(I work at a place that provides kayaks, hiking/climbing gear, canoes, and inner tubes for students at our university.)

Young Woman: “Hi, I need deodorant and a tampon.”

Me: “Um, we don’t have those here.”

Young Woman: “What do you mean?”

Me: “This is the Outdoor Center. We provide outdoor recreational equipment for students.”

Young Woman: “Well I’m a student, I’m outside, and I need deodorant and a tampon!”

(About this time my coworker looks up with a look on her face of WTF?!)

Me: “Yeah… those don’t come with kayaks or canoes.”

Young Woman: “They should!”

(I walk off to let my female coworker take over this one.)

(I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

Me: “Your… what?”

Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

(I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

Me: “…for what?”

Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

Me: “You could too if you had just hung up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

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(Two women walk up with their little babies, still young enough to be carried around wrapped in blankets.)

Lady 1: “How much is face painting for the kids?”

Me: “Three dollars, ma’am.”

Lady #1: “Could you charge us less ’cause our kids are small?”

Me: *looking for her kids, thinking she can’t possibly be referring to the babies* “How small are they?”

Lady #1: “They’re babies!”

Me: *eyes popping out* “Excuse me?”

Lady #2: “We’re HOLDIN’ ‘EM! They’re babies!”

Me: “Um, ma’am, I don’t think I can paint on your infants.”

Lady# 2: “Well, why NOT?”

Me: “Because this is heavy professional paint. It says right on the label, ‘Not for use for children under three years.’ It’ll irritate their skin.”

Lady #1: “So you won’t paint our babies?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I can’t do that. It’s not safe.”

Lady #1: “There ain’t no sign that says you won’t!”

Me: “I should think that kinda goes without saying…”

Lady #1: “So, this means we waited in that line for NOTHING?”

Lady #2: “Y’all should put up a sign or something that says you won’t face paint on babies, ’cause I thought that was y’all’s job.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’ve been doing this for years and nobody’s ever tried to have an infant painted before, so I never thought I’d have to mention it. It’s dangerous.”

Lady #1: “Well, that just ain’t fair! D***, if I knew you wouldn’t do it, I wouldn’t’ve waited in that line!”

Lady #2: “Y’all need to put up a sign or something! I thought this was for the KIDS! Aren’t babies kids?”

Me: “I’ve already explained: it’s dangerous. I won’t do it, and neither will any of my coworkers.”

Lady #2: *as they’re both walking away* “That just ain’t fair. They should have a sign.”

Me: “Have a nice afternoon, ladies!”

(I found out later that, after I left, the women came back twice to different painters trying to get someone to face-paint on their infants. Both times, they were told the same thing.)

This story is part of our dangerous parents roundup!

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(A man walks in and is very excited about getting a cheesesteak.)

Customer: “Let me get everything on that, but no tomatoes!”

Me: “Don’t worry, it doesn’t come with tomatoes.”

Customer: “Good! No tomatoes though, man. Absolutely no tomatoes! I’m allergic to tomatoes, man.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

Customer: “Good. Just make sure there are no tomatoes ’cause I’m really allergic to them and I could die. If you put tomatoes on there it will kill me!”

Me: “Okay…”

Customer: “Now let me get extra ketchup.”

Me: “…”

Editor’s note: Not Always Right is aware that it is possible to be allergic to raw tomatoes and not be allergic to ketchup. This story remains available due to the humor found in the ironic punchline. It is not intended to be used as the basis for allergen advice.

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Me: “Hi, how are you? How may I help you?”

Lady: “Yes, I’d like to return this pregnancy test.”

Me: “Okay, what’s wrong with it?”

Lady: “It came out positive.”

Me: *confused* “Okay?”

Lady: “I can’t be pregnant, so this test MUST be defective. I want to return it.”

(For anyone who doesn’t know, it is very rare for a pregnancy test to mistake a positive pregnancy. A negative, yes, positive, no.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you can’t return a pregnancy test you’ve already used.

Lady: “What do you mean I can’t return it?!? It’s wrong! I want to see your manager!”

(I go to the back to see my manager, who is a woman, and explain about the lady. We return to the front.)

Manager: “Hello, what may I help you with?”

Lady: “YES! I want to return this pregnancy test! It came out positive and I just can’t be pregnant! It’s wrong and I want my money back!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’m sorry. We can’t refund you on the test because it came out positive.”

Lady: “NO! I insist I get my money back!”

Manager: *getting frustrated* “Ma’am! I’m sorry but we cannot and will not refund you your money just because it came out positive. Congratulations on your new baby!”

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