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We Want Your Braaaiiins

, , , | Healthy Right | September 16, 2009

(A subject is speaking with me about a sleep-study we were doing.)

Subject: “So, I’ll just have to go to sleep for the study, right?”

Me:: “That’s correct. We’re just using those scanning machines to test brain function during REM sleep.”

Subject: *suddenly fearful* “You expect me to sleep with those machines cutting into my brain?!”

It’s Either Bob Barker Blue Or Drew Carey Blue

, , , | Right | September 16, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [cosmetics], this is [My Name], how may I help you today?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m looking for nail polish.”

Me: “Okay, what kind?

Caller: “Did you watch The Price is Right the other day?”

Me: “Sorry, no.”

Caller: “They had this blue car on there, and I want that color for my nail polish.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t see it. Could you tell me what type of blue this was? Perhaps a medium or bright blue?”

Caller: “It was a car blue.”

Me: “I see. I’m not sure what that means, so I can’t really help you. You could always come in and look around.”

Caller: “Well, how many blues do you have? I don’t want to waste my time!”

Me: “We have many different choices, ma’am.”

Caller: “Right, but I want the blue from The Price Is Right!”

It’s Not Like They’re Permanent Or Anything

, , , | Right | September 15, 2009

(A walk-in customer goes to sit in the tattoo chair, which is unusual before a consultation.)

Me: “How are you today?”

Customer: “Oh, a little nervous. This is my first tattoo.”

Me: “There’s nothing to be afraid of. The process is generally more annoying than painful. What sort of design are we doing for you?”

Customer: “Oh, I have to pick one?!”


This story is part of our Tattoo roundup!

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Every (Bad) Crowd Has A Silver Lining

, , , , | Right | September 3, 2009

(When I was in college, I used to work in the cafeteria. On this day, two girls are making fun of a third.)

Mean Girl #1: “Oooooh, a hamburger? So much for that diet.”

Mean Girl #2: “Are you kidding? She’s never been on a diet in her life!”

(The third girl who they are talking to is, for the record, very nice looking.)

Girl #3: *taken aback* “I… I worked out today. I need the protein.”

Me: “Come on, leave her alone. She can eat whatever she wants!”

Mean Girl #1: “Yeah, I guess you don’t have to worry about what you eat if you’re already fat and ugly!”

(One of my coworkers has been listening from a distance. He walks over, looks all three girls up and down, and then turns to the third.)

Coworker: “Excuse me, miss, but do you think I could get your phone number?”

Girl #3: “Are you serious?”

Coworker: “Completely! Who wouldn’t want a date with a beautiful girl who knows how to take care of herself?”

(This was five years ago. I’m going to be the best man at their wedding.)

A Sudden Change Of Heart

, , , , | Right | September 1, 2009

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you had a staff exit I could use.”

Me: “The main exit is just there.” *points at front doors.*

Customer: “No, I can’t go through your security gates.”

Me: “Why not?”

Customer: “I have a pacemaker. Walking through those gates will kill me!”

Me: “But you came in through the gates.”

Customer: “Well, yes, but I didn’t know they were there when I came in!”


This story is part of our roundup about people lying about their health!

Read the next story in this roundup here!

Read the roundup itself here!