I’m in line at the grocery store checkout. The customer in front of me is carefully watching as each of his items is scanned. Then, suddenly, he erupts.

Customer: “That bag of frozen vegetables is too much! Why is it that expensive?”

The young cashier looks at the bag of frozen vegetables.

Cashier: “They’re ‘organically grown’; those are usually higher priced.”

Customer: “’Organically grown’? What does that even mean?”

The cashier thinks for a few seconds and then responds in an authoritative voice.

Cashier: “It means the person who grew them had organs.”

I assume the cashier was either joking or just wanted to be done with the situation.

I used to work at a bookstore that has gone the way of the dinosaurs. We’ve all had the cell phone jerks who can’t shut up long enough to complete a transaction at the registers. However, this little memory still makes me smile.

A young man with a phone to his ear approaches the registers with a few books in his grip. He flashes me a wink and says into his phone:

Customer: “Okay, I’m at the registers. Hold on a minute.”

He sets the cell phone down on the counter, smiles at me, and hands me his purchase. He speaks to me in a conspiratorial stage whisper, gesturing to the phone.

Customer: “She won’t even notice.”

Although I can’t make out the words, I can tell that he is correct and the conversation babble from the phone hasn’t paused in the slightest.

The usual transaction conversation progresses, mostly with me trying not to laugh too loudly to be heard.

Me: “Did you find everything you needed?”

Customer: “Yep.”

Me: “Do you have your rewards card with you today?”

Customer: “Certainly. Here you go.”

Me: “Okie-dokie, your total is [total].”

He writes out a check. The babble continues from the phone. I verify that everything is on the check as needed.

Me: “Did you get your check number and total in your register?”

Customer: “Oh, shoot, thank you. I almost forgot that.”

Some long-winded rant is still winding up on the phone. After the check information is jotted down, he accepts his bag and thanks me.

Me: “Hey… I’m sorry…”

I gesture to his STILL chattering phone.

Customer: “It’s okay, I’ve perfected the art of letting my sister chatter while still getting stuff done. Even if she gets miffed, I can always truthfully say that I did tell her that I needed to put the phone down.”

He puts the phone to his ear and, without missing a beat, replies:

Customer: “Look. If they won’t, then they won’t. Find another dentist.”

I watched him leave and marveled at the efficient way he’d handled it all. If only all customers acted this way.

My brothers and sisters basically ordered my wife and me to buy their children — our nieces and nephews — expensive gifts for Christmas because, according to them, we are “well off”. We’re not really; we’re just financially responsible.

But since they asked for it, and it’s already on the budget, we decided to be vindictive this year. For the most amazing Christmas, our nieces and nephews will each get:

• Five tubs of Play-Doh — which sticks to everything
• Five kgs of multi-colored kinetic sand — which gets everywhere
• Five tubs of gooey slime — see all above
• Five packs of easy-fill water balloons
• Age-appropriate Nerf guns and safety glasses.

This should be a fun Christmas. I think this could be the start of a new Christmas tradition, depending on whether my siblings remain naughty or nice.

You demand someone expensive gifts; you get cheap and annoying ones instead. But will the children care? No, they’ll think it’s the best Christmas ever.

I work in a small collectibles boutique in a busy mall. One day, just before Christmas, a mom, dad, and three young children — including a baby that’s a few months old — come in before lunch. They look around quietly for a few minutes and leave. After lunch, the dad comes in by himself to make the family’s purchases.

Me: “Hello, what can I help you with today?”

Dad: “I want one large [annual ornament] and two small [annual ornaments], please.”

I start my usual small talk with the customer while I unbox the expensive products to check for quality before he makes his purchase.

Me: “Do you buy these each year?”

Dad: “Yes, the large one is for my wife and me, and the small ones are for each of the kids.”

I see the moment of realization cross his mind as he makes a wide-eyed “I almost royally screwed up” face.

Dad: *To himself, quietly but emphatically* “Oh, s***. I have three kids now, don’t I?”

Me: “Do you want one more small [annual ornament]?”

Dad: *Sigh* “Yes, please.”

One early winter morning, I’m walking into work. It’s slightly before 6:00 am, and it’s still dark and quite chilly out. As I’m walking in, I see one of my coworkers sitting in his car.

Me: “Hey, [Coworker], good morning! How you doing?”

Coworker: “[My Name], tell me one good reason why I shouldn’t call the boss right now and tell him I’m sick and then go back home and sleep.”

Me: “All I’ve got is that you already spent the time and energy to wake up, get dressed, and drive over here. Otherwise, I’d be right there with you.”

Coworker: *Sighs* “Yeah, you’re right.”