Meeee, Meeeself, And I

, , , , , | Right | April 6, 2020

(A young kid gets lost and my coworker is trying to help but has trouble understanding her.)

Coworker: “What’s your name?”

Kid: “Meeee.”

Coworker: “I mean your name.”

Kid: “Meeeeya.”

Coworker: “Umm, are you with your parents? Mom and Dad?”

Kid: “Yoo.”

Coworker: “Yes?”

Kid: “Yoo.”

Coworker: “No?”

Kid: *shakes head*

Coworker: “Are they here?”

Kid: “Yooos.” *nods head*

Coworker: “Okay, do you know their names? What’s your mom’s name?”

Kid: “Maanyi.”

Coworker: “Mommy? No, her name.”

Kid: “Maannii.”

Coworker: “Dad’s name?”

Kid: “Dedyi!”

(It turned out her name was actually Mia, her mom was Mandy, and her dad was Teddy. She wasn’t just a silly girl with no clue!)

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At Least The Names They Picked Had Letters In Them

, , , , , , | Healthy | March 30, 2020

I work for a vet, and I’m checking in a new patient. She was adopted from a shelter about a year ago and is now due for her annual exam and vaccines. Her entire family comes with her: Mom, Dad, and three pre-teen or teen children.

Me: “The shelter paperwork says her name is Princess. Is that still her name?”

I get five very clear negative responses.

Me: “So, what is her new name?”

Simultaneously, each from a different person, I hear the names Molly, Fluffy, Annie, Coco, and Jessie. They then fall into a several-minute-long discussion of names where they actually end up adding at least three other options. I let them continue until an exam room is available and then lead them in and put the chart on the doctor’s ready pile. When the doctor grabs her chart, he gives me a look.

Me: “It’s the only thing they all agreed on.”

The doctor shrugs and walks into the room.

Doctor: “So, this is the dog formerly known as Princess?”

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Everybody’s Confused About Raymon… D?

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 29, 2020

(My husband and I are visiting our very good friends and messing with each other. My friend has been complaining that her husband has been annoying her all day. I am sitting near her husband with their baby in between us. My friend is speaking about a familial situation and mentions a name.)

Friend: “Ray-mon.”

Me: “Raymon?”

Friend: “Raymon.”

Me: *so confused* “Raymond or Raymon?

Friend: “Yes.”

Me: “…” *looks at her husband*

Friend’s Husband: *spells it* “R-A-Y-M-O-N-D.”

Me: “Oh, Raymond! You keep saying Raymon!”

Friend: “Yeah, Raymon!”

(I just stare at her at his point, confused beyond belief, and she and her husband begin to bicker about it.)

Me: “Look, you keep saying Raymon, not Raymond! You are leaving off the D!”

Friend’s Husband: “Yeah, she’s saving it for later!”

(Everything dissolved. I took the baby out of the way as my friend screeched at me to flee and proceeded to launch herself at her husband while he and I hysterically laughed.)

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An Abundance Of Weird Spellings

, , , , | Related | March 17, 2020

(My name, while common, uses one of the more uncommon spellings — for my area at least. For sake of ease, let’s say it’s Kathryn instead of Catherine. They did the same with my middle name. My dad has decided to write me a check while we’re sitting in the bank parking lot. He pauses partway through writing the check, looking at me somewhat ashamed.)

Dad: “How did we spell your name again?”

Me: *jokingly* “You had twenty years to learn this, Dad. K-A-T-H-R-Y-N.”

Dad: *laughing along as he finishes out the check* “Good thing I don’t have to put your middle name on here; I’d get that wrong, too!”

(Thanks, guys.)

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Name A Worse Customer

, , , , , , | Right | March 13, 2020

(I’ve just opened my register when a customer walks up with some cookies and other items.)

Me: “Hi, how are you? Do you have a [Store] card?”

Customer: “Yes, and some coupons. Hold on.”

(As she goes through her purse, I start ringing up her items.)

Customer: *looking at my name tag* “Your name is [My Name], huh? Funny way of spelling it.”

(My name is not an uncommon Irish name, and it happens to have the most oft-used spelling. I am multiracial, though, with more of my other ancestry prominent than my name would suggest.)

Me: “Ah, yup, that’s my name.”

Customer: “What’s your last name?”

Me: “Oh… Sorry, I don’t give that out.”

Customer: *huffy* “Well, I was only asking.”

(My coworker is signaling me for assistance in her transaction, but I sense that my customer won’t like me walking away from her, so I decide to finish her transaction first. My cashier and her customer, therefore, hear the rest of the increasingly bizarre conversation.)

Customer: “Do you know what my name is?”

Me: “Uh… No, can’t say I do. Sorry?”

Customer: “Oh, you’ll know it. Do you want to know why?”

Me: “Um, okay, sure.”

Customer: *a moment of silence* “That’s why.”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: *abruptly* “Where do you want to go?”

Me: “Go? I don’t follow.”

Customer: “What jail would you like to go to?”

Me: “Uh, no jail, actually, thanks?”

Customer: “Oh, well, I was just giving you a choice. Because that is not your name. That cannot be your name. Just you wait; you’ll be hearing from the authorities later today!” *storms out*

(I walk over to my coworker and her customer, a regular.)

Me: “Sorry for the wait.”

Coworker: “What was that?”

Me: “Apparently, my name wasn’t foreign enough for her? Really glad I didn’t give her my last name now!”

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