Turning You Into An April Fool

, , , , , | Right | November 1, 2018

(I am going to a new doctor’s office.)

Me: “Hello, my name is Amber [Last Name], and I’m here to see [Doctor].”

Secretary:  “Okay, April, we have some forms for you to fill out.”

Me: “Sure, but my name is Amber.”

Secretary: “Sorry about that.”

(After I finish filling out the papers, I walk back to hand the secretary my forms.)

Secretary:  “Okay, April, I will tell the doctor you are here.”

Me: “Okay, and my name is Amber.”

Secretary: “I am sorry about that, Amber.”

(After I have seen the doctor, I go past the secretary’s desk.)

Secretary: “Have a good day, April.”

Me: *annoyed sigh*

Blame Canada

, , , , , | Related | October 29, 2018

(My dad is an immigrant and a visible minority. Given his age, he’s also out of touch with modern pop culture. He goes by the name “Timothy” for the sake of convenience. Usually, it’s his coworkers, bosses, and acquaintances who call him by this name.)

Dad: “So, I have a nickname at work.”

Me: “Really? What do they call you?”

Dad: “They call me Tim or Timmy.”

Me: “Dad, that’s nothing new. Many people named Timothy are called those names.”

Dad: “Okay, but the people who call me Timmy say it in a really weird way.”

Me: “Weird, how?”

Dad: “They usually shout it loudly, with a raspy tone. Like, ‘TIMMAAAAAAY!’ They also flail their arms around, for some reason.”

(I almost lose my composure from his demonstration, which is very uncharacteristic of him.)

Me: “Uh, wow, that is weird.”

Dad: “I’m not sure why they do this specific action. And it’s not just one person; it’s actually several people doing this.”

(I’m still not sure if I should tell him about South Park. I’m afraid that it’ll raise more questions than answers.)

The Treaty Of Versailles Was Very Unfair To Goths

, , , , | Right | October 21, 2018

(I am the supervisor of an employment resource office, in a small non-profit agency which helps largely indigent and homeless people. This particular client is not the worst I’ve had, but he’s definitely one of the weirdest. He comes in occasionally to utilize the computers and fax machine, have us mail things for him, and apply for jobs, and he almost always says something bizarre.)

Me: “Hi, [Client]. How are you doing today?”

Client: *signing in* “Are you German?”

Me: “Uh, yes, why?”

Client: “I just think it’s funny. [My Name] is a very German name.”

(I get this comment a lot.)

Me: “Oh, it’s actually traditionally an English name! And mine is short for Fitzwilliam, which is Mr. Darcy’s first name in Pride and Prejudice. I am German, though.”

Client: “It’s a very German name.”

Me: “It’s not, though; it’s English. I mean, I guess I can see how—”

Client: *irritated* “No, it’s a German name!

Me: *giving up* “If you say so.”

(After a few minutes of silence.)

Client: *seriously* “Your people were treated very poorly by the Treaty of Versailles.”

Me: “Uh… I wasn’t there, but I guess that’s true.”

(He resumes his job search in silence for the next twenty minutes or so. As he is getting ready to leave, I look up to find him staring at me intensely.)

Client: “Have you been through your gothic stage yet?”

Me: “My what?”

Client: “Your goth stage.”

Me: *caught completely off guard* “I guess… I was kind of a goth in high school, maybe? Why?”

Client: *laughing* “Of course you were. I knew it; I can just tell that about you. Well, have a good day.” *leaves*

(Thanks for the uncomfortable half-hour! I’m already dreading the next time he comes in.)

Not So Hippy Dippy

, , , , | Right | October 20, 2018

(I had only been working for a couple of months, and had already heard lots of odd things from customers. On this day, a customer comes up to my register and notices my name tag.)

Customer: Oh, [My Name]?

(I’m used to hearing comments about it, since I’m named after a state capital that’s also a Native American tribe, and is spelled the same. I’m used to comments about the spelling, whether I’m from there, or how many they’ve known. I wasn’t prepared for this customer, however.)

Me: *prepares for a usual response, just in case* “Yes.”

Customer: “Your parents must’ve been hippies.”

Me: *slightly shocked* ”Um… “No, sir. My dad is just southern.”

(I’ve still never figured out why my parents must be hippies for my name, and a year later I’ve never been asked it again, but my mom got a laugh out of it!)

Probably Too Dangerous

, , , , , | Right | October 18, 2018

(I work at a Chinese restaurant as a manager. A lady is getting a take out order.)

Me: “What kind of sauce would you like?”

Customer: “I would like suicide sauce.”

Me: *confused* “Do you mean soy sauce?”

Customer: *getting upset* “No, I want suicide sauce!”

Me: “We don’t approve of suicide, so if suicide had a sauce we would not obtain it for our customer consumption!”

(The lady thought about the situation and agreed to soy sauce. Now I’m curious if there is something called “suicide sauce“.)

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