Customer: “I need an alternator for a Honda.”

Me: “Okay, what kind of Honda?”

Customer: “A sedan.”

Me: “No, I mean what model is it?”

Customer: “2005.”

Me: “I mean I need to know what kind of Honda it is. Is it an Accord, a Civic…?”

Customer: “It’s an Elantra.”

Me: “So… it’s a Hyundai Elantra. You need an alternator for a 2005 Hyundai Elantra.”

Customer: “That’s what I said, a Honda.”

I had conversations like this often.

My grandmother is a history researcher, which sometimes takes her overseas. She has taken me with her to Italy on this occasion, presumably for the experience, but probably also to carry things. After a long flight, multiple layovers, slogging through Customs, and mediocre unhealthy food, we are very happy to see a street stand selling fresh fruit. I have learned some Italian for the trip, but not this specific word. (This exchange takes place in my limited Italian.)

Me: “Excuse me.” *Points at the pears* “What is this?”

Vendor: “One euro per kilo.”

Me: “Thank you, but what—”

Vendor: “Very fresh.”

Me: “…thank you. And what is the…”

I’m jetlagged, and I kind of fumble into Spanish at this point.

Me: “…the name of the fruit?”

The vendor is clearly tired of this tourist.

Vendor: “Name? His name is William.”

Now the pear was named William, and it was two days before we could bring ourselves to eat him.

Some years ago, some acquaintances got two hamsters for their kids. The pet shop assured them that they were the same sex, but after a while, there was a litter of little pink hamsterlings in the cage.

At this point, the adults were renamed to “KateOrBob” and “BobOrKate” until they worked out which was which. Rodent reproduction being what it is, there was another litter on the way by the time they managed to get Bob away from Kate.

The pet shop, being somewhat embarrassed by their mistake, sold the hamster pups for them.

I work in accounting for a dealership. One of my main job duties is to make payoffs for trade-in vehicles. Getting a payoff quote is usually an easy and straightforward process. Almost all of the major banks have the option to do the payoff online, but only about half of the credit unions and various car brand financing companies have the online option. When that happens, I have to call and get a quote. The nice companies have an option for a payoff quote in their automated menus and will have the robot give me the quote and mailing address, and I don’t have to speak to a person at all. Then, there’s [Electric Car Brand].

A customer traded in their [Electric Car] to us with a payoff. I checked online first just in case, but it wasn’t an option, so I went to the brand’s website and clicked on the “Contact Us” option. It wanted me to sign into an account! I thought, “No way am I creating an account just to get a phone number,” so I poked around on their website a little bit, but I didn’t see anything useful. I then went to Google and typed in something like “number to call [Electric Car Brand]” and miraculously found a page with their 800 number. 

Their automated menu had no options for a payoff or to actually speak with a live person. I even tried pressing zero (a trick to bypass the menus at a lot of places) to get to an operator, but that didn’t work. It felt like this company thought there was no way anyone who bought one of their cars would ever trade it into a different brand dealership, especially before the customer had fully paid it off.

After a few layers of menus, each one starting with, “Log into your app in the car for the answer,” I eventually found the option for their financing department and got this from their robot: “Email us at [unintelligible] or press two to leave a message. Press one to repeat.” I listened to that message a couple of times until I understood the email address, but I also left a voice message.

A few hours later, [Electric Car Brand] actually called me back. I honestly didn’t think they would. I confirmed the customer and vehicle information with the representative. Then, things took a turn.

Representative: “Okay, so the payoff amount is [amount], and that’s good until [date ten days away]. Will you be wiring us the money?”

Me: “No, we’ll be writing a check. Do you have a good overnight address where I can mail it?”

Representative: “Oh, you’re mailing a check? Um, okay.”

This is actually standard for most dealerships when they can’t do a payoff online.

Representative: “I can email you the payoff quote and the address.”

My work email is fairly long. It’s my first and last name at the company site, and my parents gave me a long first name to go with a long last name. Let’s pretend my name is Solomon Zimmerman, and the name of the dealership is “Johnson [Car Brand]”. My first name really does begin with an S, which is relevant. Also, the connection was not bad at all and the woman had zero accent, so I really don’t understand what happened.

Me: “Sure. My email is kind of long, so you know. It’s Solomon, S-O-L-O-M-O-N—”

Representative: “Hold on! What was it?”

Me: “Solomon, S-O-L-O-M-O-N, and then Z like ‘zebra’, I, M like ‘Mary’, M like ‘Mary’, E—”

Representative: “Hold on! What was the first part?”

Me: “Solomon, S-O-L-O-M-O-N, then Zimmerman — Z, I, M like ‘Mary’, M like ‘Mary’, E, R like ‘Rick’, M like ‘Mary’, A, N like ‘Nancy’, at Johnson Cars dot com. That’s J, O, H, N like ‘Nancy’, S like ‘Sam’, O, N like ‘Nancy’, C-A-R-S dot com.”

Representative: “I have S-O-L-O-M-O-N-Z-I-M-M-E-R-M-A-N at J-O-H-N-S-O-N-C-A-R-S dot com. Is that correct?”

Me: “Yes.”

Representative: “Okay… And I sent the email. Let me know when you get it.”

I waited a minute and… nothing.

Representative: “Hmm… I have F like ‘Frank’, O like ‘octopus’—”

Me: “No. Not F. S like ‘Solomon’.”

Representative: “Oh, okay. Let me fix that, and please verify when you get it.”

After another minute, there was still no email. The representative read back the whole email, verifying each letter. She came up with “solomonzimmerman at johnfoncarf dot com”. And this was after she had changed the first S already, so the first email address she typed in was “folomonzimmerman at johnfoncarf dot com”. I had told her my first name several times, and my voicemail message had my name in it, so how did she get F? And how did she misspell “cars”?

Usually, people misspell my last name, but somehow, that was the only part of the whole email address she didn’t mess up. I felt a little bad for the customer, who was CC’d on all three emails and probably didn’t know what was going on.

I hope I never have to make another payoff for that company again.

Customer: “Where are your Diesel jeans?”

Me: “We don’t sell Diesel jeans.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “This is a Levi’s.”

Customer: “Yeah, Levi’s jeans.”

Me: “Exactly.”

Customer: “So, where are the Diesels?”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s another brand. We only sell our brand, Levi’s.”

Customer: “Wait, Levi’s is a brand?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “I thought it was just another name for jeans.”

Me: “Yeah, I get that, too; sometimes a brand name becomes the word we use for a product, like Band-Aid.”

Customer: “But… all Band-Aids are just… Band-Aids!”

Me: “Well, no, but most people will know what you mean when you ask for one. As for this store, though, I’m afraid we only sell Levi jeans, not anything else.”

Customer: “I don’t like the way you just spoke to me. You’re implying I’m stupid because I mixed up a brand name.”

Me: “Not at all, ma’am! I do it all the time, too! I say I’m going to Xerox something when I know I should say ‘photocopy’.”

Customer: “Well, that’s even more stupid! I don’t use a brand as a verb!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t mean to imply anything.” 

Customer: “Good! Now where is the Diesel store? Can you Google it?”