Good Buddies With Dill Nye

, , , , , | Romantic | April 15, 2020

My husband and I are laying in bed, awake and on our phones, but too lazy to get up.

Husband: “Oh, I had a weird dream last night.”

Me: “Oh?”

Husband: “Yeah, we got visited by that scientist guy, the one who flies around on the giant aubergine.”

Aubergine is “eggplant,” for our American friends.

Me: “What on earth are you on about?”

Husband: “You know! The science guy! Lemongrass Tyson!”

It clicks.

Me: “You mean Neal DeGrasse-Tyson?!”

Husband: “Yeah!”

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What About Daddy Cool?

, , , , | Related | April 9, 2020

My brother and sister-in-law taught their three-year-old daughter her last names and their respective names. They are showing what she learned in front of the family. In Belgium, it is not customary to take the name of your husband.

Sister-In-Law: “[Niece], what is your name?”

Niece: “[Niece’s Full Name].”

Brother: “Who is that?”

He points to his wife.

Niece: “Mum.”

Brother: “And what is Mum called?”

Niece: “[Sister-in-Law’s Full Name].”

Sister-In-Law: “Very good, honey. And who is that?”

She points to my brother. My niece speaks after a second’s delay, very upbeat.

Niece: “Daddy [Brother].”

We erupt in laughter.

Brother: *Fake insulted* “Daddy [Brother]? What other daddies do you have?”

I guess my niece considered her last name belonging to her and could not see how she shared it with her dad.

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Was “Richard” Already Taken?

, , , , | Related | April 7, 2020

My mom is pregnant with my baby brother. I am nine at the time.

Me: “So, what’re you going to name him?”

Mom: *Proudly* “Dick.”

Me: “As in… D-I-C-K?”

She nods.

Me: “Um… Mom, are you sure?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good name. You know what it means, right?”

English isn’t her first language, and Mom is very proper.

Mom: “All I know is that it’s your father’s name.”

Me: “Well… but it’s slang in English for… a you-know-what.”

I point to indicate.

Mom: “Stop being so vulgar! Where did you hear such things? It doesn’t!”

Me: “Mom, I swear it does! He’ll be teased.”

She shushed me and went on to give birth happily. Predictably, he was teased by his classmates and peers, was bullied, and had few friends. Mom ended up divorcing my dad and lamented forever that she named her kid after him. My brother now goes by his middle name.

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Meeee, Meeeself, And I

, , , , , | Right | April 6, 2020

(A young kid gets lost and my coworker is trying to help but has trouble understanding her.)

Coworker: “What’s your name?”

Kid: “Meeee.”

Coworker: “I mean your name.”

Kid: “Meeeeya.”

Coworker: “Umm, are you with your parents? Mom and Dad?”

Kid: “Yoo.”

Coworker: “Yes?”

Kid: “Yoo.”

Coworker: “No?”

Kid: *shakes head*

Coworker: “Are they here?”

Kid: “Yooos.” *nods head*

Coworker: “Okay, do you know their names? What’s your mom’s name?”

Kid: “Maanyi.”

Coworker: “Mommy? No, her name.”

Kid: “Maannii.”

Coworker: “Dad’s name?”

Kid: “Dedyi!”

(It turned out her name was actually Mia, her mom was Mandy, and her dad was Teddy. She wasn’t just a silly girl with no clue!)

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At Least The Names They Picked Had Letters In Them

, , , , , , | Healthy | March 30, 2020

I work for a vet, and I’m checking in a new patient. She was adopted from a shelter about a year ago and is now due for her annual exam and vaccines. Her entire family comes with her: Mom, Dad, and three pre-teen or teen children.

Me: “The shelter paperwork says her name is Princess. Is that still her name?”

I get five very clear negative responses.

Me: “So, what is her new name?”

Simultaneously, each from a different person, I hear the names Molly, Fluffy, Annie, Coco, and Jessie. They then fall into a several-minute-long discussion of names where they actually end up adding at least three other options. I let them continue until an exam room is available and then lead them in and put the chart on the doctor’s ready pile. When the doctor grabs her chart, he gives me a look.

Me: “It’s the only thing they all agreed on.”

The doctor shrugs and walks into the room.

Doctor: “So, this is the dog formerly known as Princess?”

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