Have To Pause For “The Second”

, , , | Right | September 12, 2018

(This conversation occurs often. I accept inbound calls and have to verify personal information, including if a caller has family members who share the exact same name.)

Me: “Do you use a generational suffix with your name, such as Junior, Senior, the Second, or the Third?”

Caller: “MD.”

Me: “Yes, sir, but do you use a generational suffix like Junior or Senior? II or III?”

Caller: “MD.”

Me: *giving up* “Sir, do you have a father or son with the same first, middle, and last name as you?”

Caller: “Yes. My father and I have the same name, but we only have the same last name, different first name.”

Me: “That’ll do.”

Guys And Dollies

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 7, 2018

(I work in a vet’s office. My coworker Meredith and I have been friends since we were small children. She is not, and never has been, a feminine woman. She has short, spiked hair and almost no curves on her body, and could without much effort pass as a teenage boy. I work the front desk and she works in the exam rooms, so I am used to clients checking out and saying things like, “That young man in the room was so nice,” or, “Tell the doctor that I loved the way that gentleman handled my cat.” Meredith knows they don’t mean anything by it, so she says to not bother correcting them. If they ask directly something like, “What was that nice man’s name?” I won’t lie, because I enjoy the looks on people’s faces. One day we have a new client come in, and on his way out we have the following conversation.)

Client: “Hey, that ‘girl’–” *he actually does air quotes* “–in the room, what was ‘her’ name?”

Me: “You mean Meredith?”

Client: “Yeah, ‘Meredith.’ Is that the legal name, or just what you call ‘her’?”

Me: “Legal.”

Client: “So ‘she’ had it changed then?”

Me: “Yes.”

Client: *turns to his wife* “See? I told you; I can always spot them. That one wasn’t even all that hard.”

Me: *interjects* “It was Dolly.”

Client: “What?”

Me: “The name on her birth certificate is Dolly. But she said that made it hard to be taken seriously, so she had it legally changed about ten years ago.”

(The man turned multiple shades of red and stormed off, while his wife started laughing.)

I’m Gonna Spell It Out For You

, , , , , | Right | August 29, 2018

(There is a regular who always makes a big deal of making her order and spelling out her name in a very slow, condescending tone. When I am resolved to leave for another job, I finally have had enough of it.)

Customer: “I’ll have the [usual]. That’s the [uuuuuuuuuusual], okay? And that’s for Pam. That’s Peeeeeeeeeeeee, Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy, Emmmm—”

Me: “Hold on; slow down. B?”

Customer: *huffily* “AHEM, PEEEEEEeeeeee! Ayyyy—”

Me: “Whoa, whoa. D?”

Customer: “PEEEEEEE—”

Me: “G?”

Customer: *turning red* “P!”

Me: “Steve?”

Customer: “NO, it’s PAM!”

Me: “Oh, Pa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaam.”

(She glared at me, snatched her ticket without another word, and moved on down the line. The next time she started in, I played dumb again and wrote down her name as “Pem” with a backwards E.)

Acting Like Such A Queen

, , , , , | Working | August 7, 2018

(I am at a coffee shop. I have already gotten my order and am sitting at a table with my headphones on low.)

Barista: “Order for Elizabeth!”

(A minute passes.)

Barista: “Elizabeth, hello! Order for Elizabeth!”

(I glance up to see the barista shaking her head and no one getting the drink. Another minute passes, then I gasp as someone pulls one ear of my headphones off.)

Barista: “Hey! I said order for Elizabeth!”

Me: “I’m not Elizabeth… and I have my drink.”

Barista: *grumpily walking away* “B**** looks like an Elizabeth.”

This Ain’t Their First Rodeo

, , , , | Right | August 4, 2018

(My dad relayed this story to me from when he was in high school. He and his friends are at a restaurant waiting to be seated when this happens:)

Waitress: “Okay, and how many are in your party?”

Friend: *looking around* “Several.”

Waitress: “Um… Okay. And can I get a name?”

Friend: “Bob. We’re all named Bob. Well, this guy’s Billy Bob, he’s Billy Joe Bob, and that one’s Billy Joe Jim Bob. But you can just call us Bob.”

Waitress: *laughing* “And what do you do for a living?”

Friend: “We’re rodeo riders.”

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