Getting The Last (Name) Word

, , , , | Working | May 10, 2018

(My last name is also a first name. We’ll pretend it’s Jane McKenzie.)

Me: “I’m here to pick up my new glasses.”

Assistant: “Okay, what’s the last name?”

Me: “McKenzie.”

Assistant: *rolls eyes with exasperated sigh* “I said, I need your last name. So, that’s McKenzie what?”

Me: *sighs* “Yes, and I heard you. My last name is McKenzie. My first name is Jane.”

Assistant: “Your last name is a woman’s first name.”

Me: “My maiden name was always getting mangled in spelling and pronunciation, so I was happy to change it to a last name that was much easier to spell and pronounce when I got married.”

Assistant: “You should change it again.”

Me: “No, I don’t think so.” *rubs temples* “Are my glasses ready or not?”

Assistant: *with heavy emphasis on my last name* “Yes, Mrs. McKenzie, they are ready.”

(After I got my glasses, I made sure to complain to the optometrist about his assistant’s behavior and insistence that I change my last name, and have never gone back to that clinic.)

A Middling Successful Attempt

, , , , , , | Working | May 8, 2018

(I work as a lot attendant at a grocery store. The produce manager there has a running gag where he will occasionally say an employee’s first name, a random middle name, and their last name, when calling them to his department over the PA. Everyone gets a kick out of it. One day when I’m inside for safety reasons due to a thunderstorm, it goes a step further.)

Manager: *on PA* “[My First Name]… [My Real Middle Name]… [My Last Name]… Come to produce, please.”

(I try very hard to contain my laughter as I make my way to the produce department.)

Me: “Hey, [Manager], what’s up? By the way, I’ll be honest: I wasn’t expecting you to get it on the first try!”

(We both burst out laughing. It turns out that was the first time in over 20 years working for the company that he accidentally got an employee’s full name right.)

A Strange Complaint, To Name A Few

, , , , , , | Right | May 7, 2018

(I’m working on the counter on a fairly busy evening, and am serving a couple of men who are very friendly. The transaction goes normally until the end, when one of the customers stares intently at my name badge.)

Customer: “Who couldn’t spell your name?”

Me: *confused* “I’m sorry?”

Customer: *looks at feedback card with my name on it, and looks at my name badge again* “Who couldn’t spell your name?”

Me: “Nobody? That is my name.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “Kirsty. That’s my name.”

Customer: *tries repeating my name but totally botches it* “What? I can’t…”

Me: “Kirsty. As in, ‘rhymes with thirsty.’”

Customer: “Kir-sty… Hmm. Weird.” *walks away*

(I’ve never known anyone to be so flummoxed by my name, and usually, if anyone has been slightly confused by my name, it’s been people from other countries.)

Naming Kids Is Not A Fairy Tale

, , , , | Working | April 28, 2018

(When my mom was pregnant with me, she kept going back and forth on names. I share my last name with a fairy tale character. I’ve changed the names for privacy, but pretend my last name is White so that the joke translates.)

Mom: “I’ve been going back and forth between Christina and Meredith.”

Coworker: “I think you should name her Snow!”

Mom: “Erm… That’s a nice name, but—”

Coworker: “It’s a wonderful name! Snow is such a pretty and light name! How could you reject a name like Snow? You know, my [relative] had the name Snow.” *keeps rambling*

Mom: “[Coworker]!”

Coworker: “Huh?”

Mom: “Please tell me. What is my last name?”

Coworker: “Huh? It’s… OH, MY GOD. Do not name her Snow! Snow is a terrible name! Never name her that!”

Uncle Sam And Auntie Sam Don’t Want The Same Thing

, , , | Working | April 20, 2018

(I’m female.)

Employee #1: “Name?”

Me: “Sam.”

(I see him write exactly “Sam” on my order ticket. After a while, “Samantha” is called. I ignore it. “Sam” is called a bit later. I walk up.)

Me: “Collecting my order for Sam, please.”

Employee #2: “Okay, here’s your [not my order].”

Me: “Oh, I ordered [my order].”

Male Customer: “[Not my order] is mine.”

Me: “Same name, sorry.”

(I start to walk away.)

Employee #2: “Wait, [my order] is under Samantha.”

(I noticed that on the order ticket, “antha,” was added, in different handwriting. I think they tried to prevent same-name confusion by assuming the female Sam would just respond to Samantha. I have never gone by that, nor is that my legal name.)

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