Good Luck Finding A Babysitter For Baby-Critter

, , , , , | Related | January 1, 2019

I’m visiting my aunt and my younger cousin who’s not quite five years old. My grandma gave me the nickname “Critter” while my mother was still pregnant with me and has called me that through my entire life, and my aunt has called me that my entire life, as well, only using my name when I am in trouble.

We realize my cousin doesn’t know my name because she asks my cousin, “Hey, can you go ask [My Name] if he’s going to stay for dinner?” My cousin looks at her like she grew a second head. It takes her a couple minutes to realize what the problem is and she just bursts out laughing.

My aunt comes out of the kitchen with my cousin behind her, points to me, and asks, “What’s his name?”

My cousin says, “Critter,” and my aunt has to grab onto the wall to stop herself from falling over laughing.

She explains to me what’s making her laugh and I fall out of my chair laughing. My cousin is looking at us both like we’re crazy, but he starts laughing at us because we’re both having trouble breathing at this point.

We have to talk to him for almost an hour to convince him that Critter isn’t actually my name; it’s a nickname, just like he has a nickname.

Even now, almost three years later, every so often my aunt points at me and asks my cousin, “Hey, what’s his name?” Now he actually says my name when she asks him, but he still only calls me Critter.

Runs In Both Families

, , , , | Related | December 28, 2018

(My parents are the first to visit me after I give birth to my son.)

Mum: “Ooh, he’s gorgeous. Have you chosen a name yet?”

Me: “Yes. His first name is [Son] and his second name is [My Dad].”

Dad: “Oh, how original. Do you know how many of your cousins have that as their second name? Oh, and your brother, too. Why don’t you just use [Husband]’s father’s name? He might like to have a grandson named after him.”

Me: “Okay, I will name him after [Husband]’s father if that will make you happy.”

(I can see my Mum biting her lip in an effort not to laugh.)

Dad: “Good. So, what is his name now?”

Me: “[Son] [My Dad], same name as before.”

Dad: “No, you haven’t changed it; you need to use [Father-In-Law’s abbreviated name]… Ohhhh. I’m a bit slow today, aren’t I?”

Mum: *bursts out laughing* “More than a bit! Did you forget you and [Father-In-Law] have the same name?”

Throw It Into A Paella Instead

, , , , | Right | December 18, 2018

(Eggs Benedict is a popular dish on the menu for breakfast/brunch.)

Regular Customer: *recently returned from a holiday in Spain* “Hmm, what will I have? I think I will have that Eggs Benidorm.”

Makes You Wonder If You Even Know Your Cousin At All

, , , , , | Friendly | December 16, 2018

(My cousin who’s working in China calls me.)

Cousin: “Hey, cuz, my debit card doesn’t work in China. Could you please buy me a ticket to fly back from Hong Kong to Singapore and I’ll pay you back later?”

Me: “Sure, just give me your passport number.”

(Since everybody calls him by his English name, I buy a ticket for Jon [Surname] without thinking about it. On the day of his flight, I get a frantic call from the Hong Kong airport.)

Cousin: “I’m having a problem checking in. My ticket says Jon [Surname].”

Me: “So?”

Cousin: “My passport says [Surname] [Chinese name].”

Me: “Dude, how was I supposed to know Jon isn’t your legal name? I didn’t even know your Chinese name!”

(Fortunately, he managed to convince the airline staff that he was the same person, and at least the passport number matched.)

Wait Until He Sees A Chromebook

, , , , , , | Right | December 10, 2018

(I walk in the doors to clock in for my shift.)

Coworker: “So glad you’re here now. A customer asked me a question about a computer that I couldn’t answer, and I told him you’d be in shortly.”

(I clock in and find the customer, a middle-aged male.)

Me: “Hi there. I was told you had a question.”

Customer: “Yeah, this [Brand] Satellite laptop — does this mean it can connect with the satellite for Internet access?”

Me: “At this price—” *something like $299* “—definitely not. Just the hardware it would need to do that would make the laptop much more than that price.”

Customer: “Then why would it have ‘Satellite’ on it?”

Me: “It’s just a brand model name; I couldn’t tell you why [Brand] decided on that model name, just like I couldn’t tell you how Chevy, Ford, and Toyota come up with the model names for their vehicles.”

(The customer gives me a deer-in-headlights look, then thanks me and walks away.)

Me: *to coworker* “You seriously needed me to answer that question?”

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