CONTENT WARNING: Gross

I am a relatively new air steward, and I have just finished responding to a customer who has been abusing the call button.

Me: “The guy in 45A has had about four gin and tonics. I think I’m going to cut him off as he’s looking a little woozy. I don’t think I could handle it if he threw up.” 

Coworker #1: “Oh, a little vomit is nothing. We get that all the time.” 

Me: “Oh, I know, they drill that into you in training, but I don’t want to contribute to it if I can help it.” 

Coworker #1: “One time, we had this guy who took a s*** in one of the sick bags so that he didn’t have to go down to the bathroom. We couldn’t find what was causing the smell and even almost considered landing the plane early as it got so bad, but the pilot noted that we were less than an hour from the destination, and landing, unboarding, and all would take longer, so we had to endure it.”

Coworker #2: “I remember that flight! We found the bag after everyone got up and left. There was some splatter on the seat, floor, and wall, too. We had to use a different plane and hazmat that one.”

Another coworker, who has been silently mixing a drink in the corner, joins in.

Coworker #3: “Oh, that’s nothing. I once had to stop one of our passengers from breastfeeding her cat.”

My eyes go wide.

Coworker #3: “I mean, I know they like milk and everything… but… yeah… That image stays with you…” 

Coworker #1: “Anyway, welcome to the airline industry!”

I work in an office building owned by a moderately sized tech company. In our employee café, we have two vending machines that have some operational issues. The machine doesn’t seem capable of doing math properly and will commonly say you have “Insufficient Credits” after buying a single $1.00 drink, even though you are pre-authorized for $5 when you swipe your card. This makes it rather hard to get more than one drink if you are trying to get something for yourself and your coworkers.

One day, I walk in just in time to witness [Employee #1] at the vending machine.

Employee #1: “NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON!”

She slams her forehead into the machine, I assume not knowing how thick the glass is. This causes her to fall backward. She ends up hitting a low bench and falling backward over it, taking out the bench, several potted plants, a rather large Christmas decoration, and one of the table-and-chair sets. She sighs, lying in the results of the chaos, and I walk up. 

Me: “Are you using the machine?”

Employee #1: “Oh, no. Please, go ahead.”

Me: “Do you need help?”

Employee #1: “I’m good down here.”

Me: “Do you need… mental help?”

Employee #1: “Don’t we all?”

Me: “What did the machine do to you?”

Employee #1: “I swiped for $5 and got one bottle of water. Then, it said I had insufficient credits to get another one. Then, I swiped again, and it went into cash-only mode, so I put a dollar in it, but apparently, when you use cash, there’s a fifty-cent upcharge. And then, it wouldn’t give me my dollar back.”

Me: “Ah.”

Employee #1: “Yeah.”

Me: “How has the rest of your day been? Been okay?”

Employee #1: “Absolute bulls***.”

She proceeds to tell me about her day, project deadlines, a manager who needs a foot up his a**, bad clients, and unhelpful IT representatives, as we clean up the mess she made and I evaluate her for injuries. 

Apparently, her manager has been overloading her. Every time someone can’t finish something or he doesn’t trust them to do it, he forces it on her with no extension of deadlines and no increase in compensation. As a result, her work quality and speed have obviously dropped, and that same manager is now threatening to demote her, fire her, or cut her pay.

She says she demanded that everyone take back their work and that the load be redistributed, but the manager replied, “That’s not within the goals of the department,” and, “Your coworkers are comfortable where they are; it would be unfair to increase their workloads.” She says it’s possible that he is playing favorites, and when she called him out on it, he threatened to fire her again. 

Somewhere around the end of her story, another employee comes in and goes to the vending machine. 

Employee #2: “Hey! Free dollar!”

He takes a dollar out of the bill accepter. We have no idea when it was dispensed. 

Me: “Oh, that’s hers!” *Gesturing to [Employee #1]*

Employee #2: “Finders keepers!” *Laughs*

Employee #1: “Is that what [Secretary] said when she stole you from your wife?”

There is dead silence in the room. [Employee #2] is very much still happily married. He silently returns the dollar to [Employee #1] and leaves the room without even buying his drink. 

Me: “Who the h*** was that?”

Employee #1: “That was my manager.”

Me: “Oh. Oh, no.”

Employee #1: “God, that felt good. I’m going to go up there and quit. F*** this place.”

I have no idea what happened when [Employee #1] went upstairs, but she didn’t quit. Rumor has it that she went up to her office, decided, “F*** it,” and phoned the owner of the company. He was shocked to learn about her gripes.

The owner then went to [Employee #1]’s manager’s manager, and they looked into everything together. Whatever they found triggered an investigation that spread throughout the company and led to a restructuring.

[Employee #1] is now in her previous manager’s position, and ever since her promotion, the second-floor employees have all been much happier. The owner of the company is now also around more, switching from a nearly pure work-from-home schedule to being in the building four out of his five working days. 

The vending machines are still there, though. 

I never got to ask [Employee #1] why she shouted, “Neil deGrasse Tyson!” before headbutting the machine, but I have a meeting with her soon, so maybe it will come up.

As the admin at my company, it’s my job to do the monthly expense reporting. A coworker stops in my office one morning to talk about a trip they’re taking. 

Coworker: “Okay, this is weird. I have two options for this flight back home from [City]. Option one: a direct flight from [City] to [Home] is about $600. Option two: a direct flight from [City] with a layover in [Home] and then going to [Other City] is about $450.”

Me: “…what?”

Coworker: “Yeah, I have no idea, either. Take the cheaper one?”

Me: “Uh, are you checking any bags or anything?”

Coworker: “Nope, just taking a backpack.”

Me: “Are the planes different?”

Coworker: “Nope, same plane.”

Me: *Pauses* “Take the cheaper option, then. Just… oops, you’re not going to [Other City], and you’re saving the company money?”

Coworker: “That’s what I figured. Thanks! I’ll send you the receipt as soon as I get it.”

If you’re wondering, the trip went fine.

I used to have a coworker who was a nice lady but a little naïve and sometimes slow on the uptake. One morning, I came into work yawning.

Me: “I didn’t sleep well last night. [Husband] was snoring, and it kept me awake.”

Coworker: “Was he lying on his back? That often causes snoring.”

Me: “Yes.”

Coworker: “Then there’s a simple solution to that. Just attach something to the back of his pyjamas, like a tennis ball. That way, when he tries to flip onto his back, it’ll be uncomfortable.”

Me: “Uh… thanks, [Coworker].”

She noticed my hesitation and got a little defensive.

Coworker: “Seriously! My mum did that to my dad. Problem solved! Why don’t you want to try it?”

Me: “It won’t work for my husband.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

I was thinking, “Why did I start this conversation?”

Me: “He, um, doesn’t wear pyjamas.”

Coworker: “Huh? Everyone wears pyjamas!”

Me: “He doesn’t.”

Neither do I, but I wasn’t about to say that.

Coworker: *Uncomprehending* “I don’t understand. If he doesn’t wear pyjamas to bed, what does he wear?”

Me: “…”

Comprehension finally dawned. She went beet-red and changed the subject.

One week later:

Coworker: “You seem tired today.”

Me: “Yeah, my husband was snoring again.”

Coworker: “I bet he was sleeping on his back. You know what you should do? Attach something to the back of his pyjamas, like a tennis ball!”

Me: *Sighs*

I work on the register at a clothing store. A coworker with whom I have a budding friendship works Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I work Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.

I come into work on a Tuesday, and my manager informs me that I’ll be handling the registers alone.

Me: “Did [Coworker] call in?”

Manager: “She quit after yesterday.”

Me: “Quit? What happened?”

Manager: “A long line of customers demanding returns without receipts who don’t understand the return policy. The stupid b**** started crying when they began yelling at her.”

I’m caught off-guard by his remark.

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re insulting her for getting upset because the customers were yelling at her?”

Manager: “Return policy means they had no argument against her.”

Me: “And did you punish these customers for making a scene? For abusing your worker?”

Manager: “Abuse? Some idiot yelling isn’t worth getting upset over.”

I was so infuriated by his blasé attitude that I quit on the spot. I called up [Coworker] and found that she had gotten a new job with less apathetic management. They still had an opening, and we found ourselves working together again.