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Not Always Social, But Quick Of Wit!

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | November 27, 2023

A guy from my building talks to himself a lot but not much to other people. One day, a coworker of mine asked him:

Coworker: “Talking to yourself again, [Guy]? Harharharhar!”

Without skipping a beat, [Guy] replied:

Guy: “Better than talking to you, [Coworker].”

And he just kept walking down the hallway with no other response.

And How Did Jesus Feel About Hypocrites?

, , , , , , , | Working | November 24, 2023

I am a waiter in a restaurant where every table gets a free loaf of bread to share. One busy night, we are running out of fresh bread and only have a couple of loaves left. I exclaim:

Me: “Quick, someone call Jesus!”

One of the waitresses storms off in a huff.

Waitress: “How dare you use my Savior for a joke?!”

She complains to the manager and says she can’t finish her shift because of a hostile work environment. Later, when the shift has calmed down, I am called into the office and told to “not make religious jokes” anymore. I agree and think that will be it.

A few days later, I’m discussing my weekend with another coworker. [Waitress] walks past as I say:

Me: “Yeah, it was a crazy bar mitzvah. I’m not Jewish or anything, but man, those guys know how to throw a party!

[Waitress] suddenly turns toward us.

Waitress: “You just can’t go a day without being so offensive, can you?!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Waitress: “First you curse out my Lord, and now you’re shouting about how you party with his oppressors! And I bet you timed that comment for when I walked past just to rub it in!”

Me: “I think you’re overthinking this—”

Nope. She’s out again. She can’t finish the shift due to “a hostile work environment and religious persecution”. Once again, I’m in front of the manager in his office.

Manager: “So, apparently, you were being all ‘Jewwy’ in her face.”

Me: “Wow, she said that?”

Manager: “Yes.”

Me: “How can she be so sensitive and easily offended and think it’s okay to say something like that?”

Manager: “Yeah, I’m not sure what we’re going to do about her, but maybe just don’t say anything around her that’s not work-related until we can figure it out, okay?”

Me: “Sorry, but no. I work with friends here, and I understand not cracking Jesus jokes, but I am allowed to discuss my weekends in a polite and inoffensive manner.”

Manager: “Look, just be tolerant until—”

Me: “Tolerant? Actually, no. I’ll be just like her. She referred to my Jewish friends in an offensive manner. That is creating a toxic and discriminatory workplace environment, and I simply need to go home right this instant to calm down.”

Manager: “I see what you’re doing, but—”

Me: “But nothing. Either she stops being so offended by every little thing, or I don’t come back in. Not worth it.”

I kept the job. [Waitress] stuck around another week but eventually quit when it all became “too much” for her.

Apparently, The Coworker Is Always Right In Matters Of Taste

, , , , , , | Working | November 23, 2023

[Coworker] sits next to me in the office. We have nothing in common — we’re complete opposites, in fact — but get on really well.

However, she does repeatedly try to invite me out to eat somewhere or order takeaway. When I politely refuse, she brings in the leftovers to try to get me to eat.

Honestly, it was sweet at first, but I am getting a little fed up with it. I’ve said several times that I’m in training, so I have to watch what I eat, and I can’t eat unhealthy food this month. At any mention that I’m finding it difficult, she tries to convince me to cheat on my diet — as if it wasn’t difficult enough.

It’s lunchtime. I’ve brought a layered salad I made last night. It’s not exactly on calorie, but I need a little boost today. It’s full of all my favourite veg and loads of meat and dressing. I’ve been looking forward to it all morning.

[Coworker] spots this. It’s Friday so she is ordering burgers. I know she is going to ask me what I want to order and then act surprised when I say that I’m okay. She then will say how bad she feels being the only one eating rubbish and remark on how she should probably eat better. I know this because this is what she says every. Single. Week. 

However, today, she catches me by surprise and changes up the script.

Coworker: “Oh, poor you, having to eat… that.”

Me: “This? Oh, no. This is great; it’s one of my favourites.”

Coworker: *With a condescending laugh* “Oh, poor thing. I might not be ‘healthy’, but I know what tastes good. Why don’t you order something with me?”

Me: “That’s… kind of you. But no, thanks. Really, I’m happy with this.”

Coworker: *Suddenly irritated* “Oh, don’t be silly. Come on. How can that rabbit food taste good?!”

Me: “I don’t know, [Coworker]. Some people like it.”

Coworker: *Even more irritable* “Oh, because I’m fat, I couldn’t possibly understand. Is that it?”

This again?

Me: “I think your blood sugar is off. Maybe have a snack?”

Coworker: “Oh, you would like that wouldn’t you? I eat even more and get even fatter? So you can lord it over me with your healthy food?!”

Me: “I’m not talking to you when you are like this.”

She started ranting, and it got less and less intelligible. Her manager rushed over and struggled to get her to calm down. Then, he made her go to his office.

She appeared later and blanked me completely, only talking to make snide comments about something being “someone’s” fault and how “some people” are inconsiderate.

Whatever. She could be as petty as she liked. I would not engage with her; she could calm down and apologise if she wanted anything from me.

To my surprise, she requested to move desks. Apparently, I was “not being considerate enough of her life choices,” whatever that meant. I’m pretty sure she just wanted someone to enable her.

Then, I found out where she is now sitting. She’s surrounded by coworkers who are just as health-conscious as I am. Four of them are in my running club, and one is allergic to something in her beloved burgers.

Not only will they not entertain her moaning, but she won’t be allowed to eat at her desk as she insists on doing, lip-smacking and pleasure-moaning as she eats.

Enjoy your new surroundings, [Coworker]. In truth, I won’t miss you that much, or your complaining, your emotional blackmail, or the stink of reheated takeaways.

All I Want For Christmas Is A Change Of Pace

, , , , , , | Right | November 23, 2023

I don’t celebrate Christmas — although I happily participate in festivities my friends and family invite me to — so I always volunteer to work on December 25th so my coworkers who the day means more to can be home with their families.

A few years ago, over Christmas lunch break, I discovered that another coworker did the same and actually celebrated the same holiday I did. We talked about how we were constantly getting the “I’m so sorry you have to work” speeches, but both of us would reply that we were happy to work since we didn’t celebrate; besides, we got double pay for working the holiday.

Over the next few years, we would have friendly competitions about how many “sorry you’re working” comments we got. It was our holiday, and it made us smile to help our customers during a seemingly stressful day for those who forgot things for the holiday.

There was one year that I will never forget.

My friend and I were also the standard Thanksgiving workers. This particular Thanksgiving, we were working in different parts of the store, so we didn’t see each other all shift. Almost to the end, my department’s phone rang and I answered it with our standard phone greeting.

Coworker: “It’s begun.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Coworker: “It’s [Coworker]. I just got a ‘sorry you’ll be working Christmas’.”

Me: “But it’s Thanksgiving?”

Coworker: “I know. Earliest it’s ever started. Enjoy the rest of your shift.”

Me: “You, too.”

I miss that coworker and am still amazed people were empathetic toward us that early. 

I don’t remember the exact numbers, but if anyone’s curious, he won that year’s competition by three “I’m sorry”s.

Time Functions Differently In The Ivy League

, , , , , , , , , , | Working | November 23, 2023

I once had a job at Harvard. (Yes, that Harvard.) I replaced a guy who was legally blind but refused to admit he couldn’t read a screen. He had “screen enlargement” software which he’d used to blow up text until the entire screen showed one letter, and he’d proceed to spend several minutes trying to figure out what letter it was. As you can imagine, especially for commands which would usually be several hundred characters each, this made computer programming very slow.

They were used to giving him a task to do — always “produce mailing labels to these specifications” — and it taking a week before they got results. They gave me a task, and I had results in an hour.

Me: “I’m sorry this took me so long. It took me a while to figure out the printer.”

Without even looking at my work, the boss ripped me a new one.

Boss: “You couldn’t possibly have results in an hour! I know for a fact that it should take at least a week. Go back and do it right this time.”

I took the labels back to my desk, put them on a shelf, read novels for a week, and brought the labels back to the boss. He looked at them and announced that they were perfect.

Boss: “Now you see what taking your time to do it right can do?”

So, when an employer gives me a task with a stated timeframe that is ridiculously long, I get it done and then don’t give them results until about when they are expecting results; if I do otherwise, I know they will reject my work.