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That Kind Of Prank Never Ends Well

, , , , , , , , , , , | Working | January 23, 2023

At my very first job, we used to have a girl who did bank runs, taking the cash from any cash transactions that we had over to the local bank in a deposit bag, where she would sometimes use what is known as a Night Drop.

One day, [Coworker] went out to do the deposit. Then, she was supposed to come back to help me close the store for the day. This left me to clean, because the walk to the bank was a bit of a distance — our town was very safe, so she had no worries about doing this on foot — and it normally took her a while to get to and from the location.

About twenty-five minutes later, [Coworker] called me and apologized, telling me that she would be late coming back because she had to call EMS to the bank. When she came back, I asked her what had happened, and the story unfolded as such.

[Coworker] arrived at the bank, but there was already someone using the Night Drop, so she waited. While she was standing there, a very good friend of hers saw her at the branch, parked his car, and got in line behind her without her noticing.

Once the other person left, [Coworker]’s friend put a hand on her shoulder and said, “Give me all the money!” You know… as a joke…

Well, [Coworker] whipped around and belted her friend in the face with the deposit bag. Now, this is a vinyl sack with some bills in it, so it didn’t do any damage but it did scare him, which caused him to jump back. As he jumped back, his foot rolled, and he fell down and knocked himself unconscious on a handrail.

[Coworker] had to call EMS, and the police also arrived to take statements and get an idea of what had happened. They agreed that [Coworker]’s friend was an idiot.

In order to prevent him from having to pay impound fees and such, [Coworker] asked the police if she could take his car. I’m not sure what conversation she had with them, but it ended in a “yes”, and she was able to drive back to our shop and then pick her friend up at the hospital the next afternoon when he was released from observation.

The best part was that I got like an hour of overtime because I couldn’t leave the shop unsecured since I wasn’t a keyholder.

Save The Trash Talk For Home, Buddy

, , , , , , | Working | January 23, 2023

I’m a department head in the company I work for. I was showing a presentation to our company before showcasing it to our clients. There were about thirty-five people in the video conference. 

We have an instant messenger for inside the company only. The head of another department didn’t realize they were typing in the video chat and not the instant messenger; they look similar.

Department Head: *Typing in the chat* “I can’t believe this. No one is going to sign for this. What a giant, boring waste of f*****’ time. [My Name] is an idiot who is wasting company time.”

I stopped talking and sat quietly for about twenty seconds while I took a screenshot of that.

Me: *Out loud* “Hey, [Department Head], you can get off the call now.”

Department Head: “Why?”

Me: “Because it’s a waste of your valuable time, and you should go do more productive things with it — like telling Human Resources why you’ve been kicked off this call.”

He started to stutter.

Me: “Either you can call them or I can, but either way, this meeting is not moving forward with you in it.”

He logged off, and we had a meeting the next day with HR about workplace harassment; his personal attack on me qualified. He was silent the entire time.

HR asked what my feelings were, and I said that [Department Head] owed me and the entire company an apology. He had to apologize and ended up with a week of unpaid suspension.

Customers Will Drive You To Drink, And Then Some

, , , , , | Working | January 23, 2023

I have been working at this job for upwards of two years. My store has been host to an absolute nightmare of a regular who has gotten progressively worse. He started with “accept my coupon that expired yesterday” and gradually escalated all the way up to “give me something for free because I waited in line for an hour (during a Black Friday sale)”. For whatever reason, he hasn’t been banned from the store.

[Coworker] started work a week ago, and we’ve struck up a pretty quick friendship. She’s already had her fair share of NAR-worthy customers, but today was her first experience with [Regular].

This conversation ensues after we’ve clocked out for the day and are on our way out of the store.

Coworker: “I don’t know what the h*** that guy is smoking, but I need a hit of it.”

Me: “Um, aren’t you teetotal?”

For those who don’t know, “teetotal” refers to someone who completely abstains from recreational drugs or alcohol consumption.

Coworker: “What about it?”

Me: “Whatever the h*** that guy is smoking, he has been working his way up to it for years now. If you took a hit with no prior drug experience, you would die.”

[Coworker] glances at the busy store and looks back at me with all seriousness.

Coworker: “I don’t know what the h*** that guy is smoking, but I need a hit of it.”

The Cold Really Slows Down The Old Brain Cells

, , , , , , , | Working | January 20, 2023

This happened in the late 1980s. A heavy blizzard was on its way, and management announced that the office would be closing early so that we could get home before the roads became hazardous.

[Coworker] went out to the parking lot and started his car to give the engine time to warm up. When he came back into the office, he realized he had locked his keys inside the running car.

His wife had a spare key, but she was forty miles away. He called the Automobile Club, but they were overflowing with calls and wouldn’t be able to get there for at least a few hours.

Someone got a wire hanger from the coat room and bent it into a hook. Those of us who hadn’t left for home yet took turns going outside in pairs, one person prying the top of the driver’s door just enough so that the other could slip the hook through and try to pull up the lock button. But the button was tapered, and there was no place for the hook to grab it.

Still, we persevered for over an hour. But the snowfall was getting heavier, and [Coworker] resigned himself to waiting in the office until the car ran out of gas and/or help arrived.

Just as we were about to give up, I noticed something.

Me: “Did anybody try the back door?”

[Coworker] looked in the window and then looked at me.

Coworker: “It can’t be that easy.”

Not only was the lock button on the back door NOT tapered, but it also had a hole in it. The hook slipped through the hole, and the back door opened right up.

I haven’t seen [Coworker] in years, but I hope he’s invested in a remote starter since then.

A Thriller With Vanilla

, , , | Working | January 18, 2023

I work at a restaurant with very tall, very good milkshakes. Most of my coworkers are in agreement that the shakes are exceptional… save for [Coworker #1], who is allergic to dairy, and thus feels she has no business commenting on the shakes beyond the price per volume.

[Coworker #2], for reasons I do not and will never understand, is convinced that [Coworker #1] has to try one of these shakes, allergy be damned. [Coworker #1] has attempted and largely failed to get [Coworker #2] to back off until this exchange.

[Coworker #2] approaches [Coworker #1] with a vanilla shake in hand.

Coworker #1: “How many times do I have to tell you no?!

Coworker #2: “Come on! Just try it, will you?”

Coworker #1: “If you try and feed me that shake, I will vomit on you.”

Coworker #2: “Come on! You’re exaggerating.”

Coworker #1: “No, I’m threatening you.”

[Coworker #2] abruptly went quiet, turned, and walked away.