“Pretending To Care” Is The First Thing You Learn In Retail

, , , , | Right | April 9, 2021

I am at work, finishing up my last shift at this job as I’ve recently been hired elsewhere. Our store closes at 9:00 and it is 8:58. As I am the only cashier, I’ve got a fairly long line-up, with one rude customer at the very front.

Customer: “You know, your [Greenhouse] is closed!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. My apologies, but we’re just about closed so they’ve started shutting down the departments and had to shut down the outdoor one some time ago. It will be open when [Store] opens at 9:00 am, though.”

Customer: “But I came all the way from [Nearby City]! I demand that you let me in right now!”

The city is less than a half-hour away.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t know what to tell you. The department is closed and there’s no one there to open it or help you. And even if there was an employee working there, they wouldn’t have clearance to open the department. Just like I don’t have clearance.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Go open it for me right now!”

Me: “Ma’am, please listen to me. I have been at this job for two months. I am one of the newest cashiers. This is my last shift, we closed five minutes ago, and there’s a line-up behind you. Now, if you really think that getting into the [Greenhouse] is so important that you can’t make the drive out tomorrow, there’s a manager here. He’s waiting for me to finish up here so he can lock the store, and he’s over by customer service. I’m sure he’ll be happy to pretend to care. Next!”

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The Couponator 25: The Cheese Explosion

, , , , | Right | April 5, 2021

I’m working my regular Saturday shift when a customer comes through the door. 

Me: “Welcome to [Pizza Place], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I have this coupon for a free pizza.”

I take the coupon and look at it.

Me: “Yes, this is for a large one-topping pizza. What topping would you like?”

Customer: “I want pepperoni, hamburger, and extra cheese.”

Me: “That is three toppings, and this coupon is only for one topping. So, which of those would you like?”

Customer: “I want pepperoni, hamburger, and extra cheese.”

Me: “Yes, but I can only give you one of those. If you want three toppings, you can just buy a pizza and use your coupon next time.”

The customer widens their eyes and looks slightly crazy.

Customer: “I want my hamburger! And don’t forget extra cheese!”

Since he is only asking for two toppings now and I want to get rid of him, I ask my manager if that is okay.

Me: “Hey, this guy is crazy and won’t leave me alone. Can I just give him two toppings so he will leave faster?”

Manager: “He wants extra cheese, so just type it in as beef—”

We call hamburger “beef,” along with the vast majority of the population.

Manager: “—and he won’t even know the difference between regular cheese and extra cheese.”

I get back to the customer who has been staring at me the entire time I have been talking to my manager.

Me: “Okay, I will give you your beef and cheese pizza.”

Customer: “I want hamburger. Not beef. Hamburger! And you’d better make sure it has lots and lots of cheese on it!”

I don’t want to keep him around anymore and am also very annoyed and slightly frightened.

Me: “Yes, I will give you your hamburger and cheese pizza.”

I try to take the coupon from him but he doesn’t let it go. I explain to him that store policy is that we need to collect all of our coupons. I am stronger and quicker, so I take the coupon and lock it in the register.

I go over to where my manager is and start making the pizza. Unfortunately for me, we have glass walls so that kids can see us making their pizzas. This guy is leaning over the glass wall just giving me the death stare the entire time, which makes me super uncomfortable. I eventually just tell my manager to make it as I pretend to grab something from the cooler.

I hide in the cooler and don’t come out until the customer is gone. While in there, I can hear him shouting:

Customer: “You didn’t put extra cheese! I want extra cheese! Give me my coupon! It’s my coupon, not yours! Mine!”

When everything is finally over and I emerge from my hiding spot, my manager just looks at me, dumbfounded.

Manager: “Don’t you ever leave me alone with him again. He is absolutely insane.”

Luckily for us, he never came back again. This was two years ago, and my manager still holds it against me that I went and hid while she dealt with him!

Related:
The Couponator 23: The Time Destroyer
The Couponator 22: Coupons Of Mass Consumption
The Couponator 21: The FINAL Sale
The Couponator 20: Coupons Of Mass Consumption

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Reply All, Also Known As “The Party Button”

, , , , , | Friendly | March 29, 2021

Pre-health crisis, my friend sends out an email to a large group of people, inviting them to a party. He includes me on the list.

Me: *Replying to the email* “Sounds great! Can’t wait.”

I hit send and then realize too late that I selected “Reply All” by mistake.

Me: *To myself* “Aw, crap. Well, can’t be helped.”

Two minutes later, I get an email from someone I don’t know.

Unknown Person: “WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU EMAILING MY HUSBAND? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY ‘CAN’T WAIT’?”

It turned out that she was married to one of the other email recipients. Rather than realizing that I’d accidentally replied to the entire group, or scrolling down to see the original email, she immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. I made sure to avoid her and her husband at the party.

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It’s A Gamble If She Makes Her Way To Your Restaurant

, , , , , , | Right | March 24, 2021

I’m an employee in a casino’s food and beverage department. One morning, I go to the in-house fast food chain for a coffee on my break. The cashier takes my order but needs to run to the back for a moment and leaves the counter alone. An old woman walks up in a huff.

Customer: “Well? Aren’t you working right now? Don’t you work here?!”

Me: “I don’t work for [Fast Food Restaurant]; I’m also a customer here right now.”

Customer: “NO! DO. YOU. WORK. HERE?!”

Me: “In the casino or [Fast Food Restaurant]? I work in the casino’s restaurant. They just lease the space; we don’t share staff.”

Customer: *Rolling her eyes* “Well. No one is taking my order!”

Not a second later, the cashier returns in full [Fast Food Restaurant] uniform and cheerfully apologizes for the wait. She hands me my coffee and quickly begins taking the old woman’s order when she’s immediately cut off.

Customer: “Hold on! I don’t know what I want! Do you have [Famous Item from another fast food chain]?”

I shot the cashier a sympathetic glance and returned to my work area as fast as I could.

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How Dare Unemployed People Seek Jobs!

, , , , , | Working | March 11, 2021

Years ago, I was laid off from my IT job along with about twenty others. It wasn’t personal; the company was experiencing a downturn and simply didn’t have enough work for all of us. One of the nice things the company did was to connect us with an outplacement agency. The idea was that the agency would help us fine-tune our resumes and practice our interviewing skills.

Outplacement Agent: “One question interviewees always get asked is, ‘Tell me about yourself.’ This is an opportunity for you to do a thirty-second ‘commercial’ on how awesome you are. Now, you were all laid off, and even though it was due to no fault of your own, it’s something that your ‘commercial’ should include. Your interviewer will find out about it sooner or later, and it’s better coming from you.”

So, I come up with my “commercial” and I make sure that it mentions the fact that I was involved in a layoff due to my former company downsizing. I get an interview, and this is how it goes.

Interviewer: “Tell me about yourself.”

I think, “Great! Here’s my chance!”

Me: “I worked for [Company] for eight years. Earlier this year, I was part of a mass layoff due to the company having to downsize.”

I continue to speak for about twenty more seconds.

Interviewer: “Mm-hmm. Tell me about your current position.”

Me: “Um… well, my former position at [Company] was—”

Interviewer: “I said your current position.”

Me: “As I mentioned, I was part of a mass layoff earlier this year—”

The interviewer stares at me.

Interviewer: “Oh. So you’re unemployed.”

She says this with the same tone that you’d use to say, “Oh. So you have LEPROSY.”

The rest of the interview stumbles along, but it is clear that she’s lost interest in me. Then, she mentions this gem.

Interviewer: “Our employees work very hard. They never take coffee breaks, and if they take lunch breaks, they always eat at their desks and are back at work in fifteen minutes.”

Me: “…”

I desperately needed a job, and if they’d offered it to me, I would have taken it,but I can’t say that I was heartbroken when that didn’t happen. I got an offer from a different company eventually, and eighteen years later, I’m still there.

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