Isn’t That Extortion?

, , , , , | Friendly | March 7, 2020

(This story takes place when I’m about six months old and going to Nova Scotia with my parents. We board the plane and notice that our seats are separated, which would leave six-month-old me alone with a stranger.)

Mom: “Excuse me, sir, but my six-month-old son is sitting next to you and I have a seat away from him. If you could go to my seat so I can sit next to my son, I would be very grateful.”

(The seats are identical.)

Man: “Nope, I paid good f****** money for this f****** seat, and I won’t have some needy b**** taking it!”

Mom: *calmly* “Well, I’m terribly sorry for this, but if you feel so strongly about this then you’ll have to take care of my son. He likes to eat food from [Brand] at six o’clock and needs to be rocked to sleep. Do not feed him peanuts, because he is very allergic to them. Do you understand?”

(The man, speechless, moves to the seat that my mom suggested to him.)

Mom: “Was that so hard?”

(The man gave us dirty looks for the rest of the flight, and once the flight was over, he started to insult us once more until my 6’1” Italian father came in and asked him to take a hike.)

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The Plane Stays Up But The Passenger Just Crashed And Burned

, , , | Right | March 1, 2020

Passengers get a choice of two hot meals and invariably we run out of one choice as we get to the back of the plane.

Customer:
“I will have the chicken.”

Me:
“Today I can offer you the beef stir fry.”

Customer:
“But I want the chicken!”

Me:
“The chicken option has all gone, but I can offer you the beef.”

Customer:
“No blanket, no pillow, and now no choice! Do you have anything I ask for?!”

Me:
“Yes, ma’am, we have manners.”

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Listening Is Life

, , , , | Right | February 14, 2020

(The plane is sitting at the runway, waiting to take off, and the flight attendant’s giving her normal pre-flight instructions, but for the most part, people are ignoring her. She continues unfazed.)

Flight Attendant: “Remember to put on your own mask before helping children, those who can’t get their own, or those who aren’t listening.”

(Surprisingly, the flight was relatively quiet.)

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Anger Rising, Just Like The Plane

, , , , , | Right | January 20, 2020

I’m moving from a small seaside town in Australia back home to New Zealand. This involves a flight from the small town to Adelaide, Adelaide to Melbourne, and then finally from Melbourne to New Zealand. There are long stopovers in Adelaide and Melbourne, meaning the trip will take the better part of 24 hours.

My partner is staying in Australia for a couple of months to finish out a lucrative contract, so we’ll be long distance for that time. To top it off, I manage to get food poisoning, so I spend the trip throwing up in airport and airplane bathrooms. I’m feeling totally miserable.

Staff have been fantastic and have moved me to the back row of the plane by the bathrooms. The back of the plane is mostly empty, and I have the entire row to myself. I’m on the final flight from Melbourne to home and they have announced that all passengers must be in their assigned seats for takeoff and landing. Being so close to done, I can’t wait to get home and into bed. 

Another passenger has moved to the row opposite me and spread out, despite the air hostess asking him multiple times to return to his assigned seat. She even promises that she’ll save the row for him so he can move back after takeoff. 

The man is getting more and more belligerent and refuses to move, wanting to know why he can’t stay. I can hear staff discussing if they need to delay takeoff and have him removed by security.  

I’m sick, exhausted, and just want to get home. So I snap. It should also be noted that I’m barely five feet tall and I’m wearing a sparkly pink jumper at this point. 

“Listen here, you f****** idiot. They’ve asked you to sit in your assigned seat for takeoff and landing because that’s when the plane is most likely to crash. The likelihood of surviving a crash is slim to none, so the hope is, if you’re in your seat and buckled in, your charred, mangled corpse will still be tethered to it. That way DVI (disaster victim identification) experts like myself can match your body to your seat number as an identification start point and maybe give your family something to bury! Furthermore, civil aviation law requires you to comply with all crew instructions. So, get your f****** a** up and back to your seat before you’re thrown off and arrested, and piss me off further than you already have!” 

The man — and air hostesses — look shocked, but he quietly gets up and moves back. 

I apologize to the air hostesses for my outburst and language. But they tell me there is no need and they can’t have been nicer, bringing me ginger ale and crackers after takeoff. 

Shockingly, the guy doesn’t try to move back to the empty row after takeoff.

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Not Trying To Be A (Buda)Pest

, , , , | Right | January 10, 2020

About six years ago, I went on a family vacation to Budapest on Portugal’s flag carrier. This happened on the flight back home.

After climbing for about fifteen or twenty minutes, the Captain made an announcement.

“Hello. Unfortunately, we will have to return to Budapest to pick up some passengers who did not board. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

We turned back, landed twenty or so minutes after the announcement, and taxied to a gate only for the doors to open and a four-member family to board. They were not famous and they were not important; they were a family on vacation in Budapest, just like mine.

Later on, we found out they made a mistake and entered the wrong bus, saw our plane depart, and spoke to the bus driver who passed the information along for everyone to coordinate the return of the aircraft and boarding of the passengers. It was nice to see that, for a change, an airline didn’t have a “Your mistake, your problem, buy a new ticket, we won’t waste our money with fees and fuel” attitude, but were rather truly interested in getting all their passengers from A to B.

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