I’m a flight attendant. Mid-flight, a passenger in the upper-class cabin calls me over.

Customer: “I want another ginger beer.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we’ve run out.”

Customer: “Are you getting any more delivered?”

I just looked at him for about three long seconds and then said:

Me: “Not until we land at our destination.”

Customer: “You’re not going to get any more in before then?”

I looked at him for another three long seconds.

Me: “I’m going to let you think about that one…”

In my fifteen-year career, that was the closest a passenger has made me get to losing my cool. I’ve handled fights, medical emergencies, and drunken assaults, but that single moment of pure idiocy really set me back…

I’m in the middle of a three-hour flight. A guy in front of me calls the flight attendant over.

Flight Attendant: “Yes, sir?”

Passenger: “Could you turn the noise down? It’s too loud.”

Flight Attendant: “Noise?”

Passenger: “Yes! That humming and vibrating. It’s very distracting.”

This passenger and I are in that group of rows next to the wing and engine.

Flight Attendant: “You mean the engine?”

Passenger: “Whatever it is that’s causing that noise!”

Flight Attendant: “Sir, allow me to politely explain how airplanes work…”

I tried not to laugh as this guy got a child’s explanation of aerodynamics. After the flight attendant leaves, I hear the passenger say to his partner sniffily:

Passenger: “We’re more than halfway there, I’m sure we could just glide the rest of the way…”

I was on a flight in South Africa. The stewardess is serving lunch on the plane. As she gets to the row before me and addresses the gentleman in the aisle seat in a very strong accent.

Stewardess: “What would you like to drink, sir?”

Passenger: “A Coca-Cola, please.”

Stewardess: “Yes, sir, and would you like @rse with that?”

Passenger: *Clearly confused.* “@rse?”

Stewardess: “Ja, sir, do you want @rse with your drink?”

Passenger: “Uh… what?”

Stewardess: *Energetically stirring the bucket containing the little cubes of frozen water.* “@rse! You know… for your drink.”

Passenger: “Oh… Ice!”

Stewardess: *Triumphantly.* “Jaaaaa… @rse!”

At least I knew what @rse was when my turn came.

I’m sitting on the plane that’s going to Los Angeles. I travel a lot for work. We’ve just finished boarding, and the chief purser is giving the pre-flight announcement.

Chief Purser: “We’re lucky to have on board with us on this flight forty nurses all attending the Global Summit on Nursing Education and Practice! So, if you were ever planning on having a medical emergency on a plane, this is the one to do it!”

There are a few chuckles, and the rest of the pre-boarding announcements go smoothly.

Later into the flight, I’m talking to the chief purser, and I ask them:

Me: “You must feel less pressure when you’re working a flight that’s full of nurses and doctors.”

Chief Purser: “Oh, not doctors! Just the nurses! Two times I’ve had a medical emergency and a doctor stepped forward. They identified what the required procedure was that would help the patient.”

Me: “Oh. That’s good, isn’t it?”

Chief Purser: “And then they asked if we could ask if there were any nurses on board to perform it! All those guys did was sit behind desks and read medical journals! No, I’d rather have a single nurse on my plane over twenty doctors, thank you very much!”

I was flying alone, and this little girl, maybe about five years old or so, wandered down the aisle.

Little Girl: “Hello!”

Me: “Hello. Where are your parents?”

Little Girl: *Very matter-of-factly.* “Oh, they died.”

Me: “Oh! I’m… uh, I’m sorry to—”

Little Girl: “Yeah, a police officer is flying with me to take me to my aunt.”

My brain was not able to conjure any response at all apart from:

Me: “Uhm… sorry?”

Little Girl: “Can I look out your window?”

I moved over to the aisle seat and let her, while I’m continuously looking for a cop that she might be travelling with. She’s still babbling on while looking out of the window.

Little Girl: “Yeah, my parents were driving back from a party last week, and their car got pushed off the road by a truck into a tree.”

Suddenly I hear a woman say:

Woman: “Oh, there you are!”

There’s a woman standing there next to me, in the aisle. The little girl looks up at her and smiles.

Little Girl: “Hello, mommy!”

And she leaves with her, skipping and smiling back to her own seat. I just sat there wide-eyed the rest of the flight, going ‘WTF’ to myself over and over…