I am a natural homebody. I like going home, I like being home, I like staying home; that’s where all my stuff is! I prefer to read or watch a movie or do some kind of craft over going to the bar or a movie theater or whatever else. My coworker just cannot comprehend this.

Coworker: “You want to come to the concert in the park with us this weekend?”

Me: “Who is it?”

Coworker: “An 80s cover band.”

Me: “Nah, not my thing. Thanks though.,”

Later:

Coworker: “I’m getting a group together to see (Movie) if you’re interested.

Me: “Eh, I didn’t like the original, so the sequel probably won’t appeal to me. What about [Other Movie]?”

Coworker: *Laughs.* “No, nobody is going to want to see that.”

Me: “Okay, well, have fun.”

Later:

Coworker: “A new restaurant opened—”

Me: “—I appreciate that you want to include me in all these things. I really am. But I don’t actually like going out unless it’s something I really want or need to do.”

Coworker: “That’s why I keep trying to get you to go! You need to get out more and learn to enjoy life.”

Me: “Maybe you need to get out less and learn to be happy in your own space.”

Apparently, this was among the most offensive things [Coworker] had ever heard, because he never invited me on another outing again. He did, however, switch to talking about how much fun these events were without me. I still don’t think I was missing out.

Some coworkers and I are in a minivan, driving to another work location for boring work-related reasons. The route takes us past Sherwood Forest.

Manager: “Hey, everyone, it’s Sherwood Forest! Where Robin Hood lived with his merry men!”

Coworker: “Where?”

Manager: “Literally all around us.”

Coworker: “I can’t see it; the trees are in the way.”

The entire minivan was silent for a good ten seconds. Until…

Other Coworker: “I guess you really can’t see the forest for the trees!”

I’m a dude in an office. I’m taking a break and checking my phone when two women coworkers come over to me, already in the middle of what seems like a heated discussion.

Coworker #1: “[My Name], do you think [Coworker #2] is sexy?”

My eyes dart between [Coworker #1] and [Coworker #2] in a quick panic.

Me: “Uh… this feels like a trap.”

Coworker #1: “It’s not! I’m just asking an honest question!”

Me: “My feelings on the matter aren’t relevant or important. Also, it’s not professional to—”

Coworker #1: “—so you do? You do think she’s sexy?”

In all honesty, [Coworker #2] is an incredibly attractive woman, with those classic Hollywood looks that I’m sure most straight men find very attractive. I didn’t want to outright lie and say “no” but I didn’t want to say “yes” in a professional setting.

Me: “It’s inappropriate to discuss this at work.”

Coworker #2: *To [Coworker #1].* “Look, he doesn’t want to answer, which proves my point.”

Me: “What point?”

Coworker #1: “That doesn’t matter! If you didn’t think she was sexy, you’d easily say so! The fact that you’re uncomfortable answering means that you do think she’s sexy, so you’re a pervert!”

Me: “Uh… what?!”

Coworker #2: “Oh my God, [Coworker #1]!” *To me.* “Sorry, [Coworker #1] is convinced that all men are perverts.”

Coworker #1: “They are!”

Coworker #2: “She thinks a man thinking of a woman as ‘sexy’ makes him a pervert, even if he does nothing.”

Coworker #1: “Men shouldn’t be thinking that way!”

Coworker #2: *To [Coworker #1].* “Do you think [famous Actor] is sexy?”

Coworker #1: “Well… yes!”

Coworker #2: *Deadpan.* “Oh my God, you pervert.”

Coworker #1: “That’s different! He’s an actor! He’s supposed to be sexy!”

Me: “Ladies, I don’t know what I got caught in the middle of here, but I was on break and—”

Coworker #1: “—the fact that you can’t just say “no” means that you’re thinking “yes”, which makes you a pervert!”

Coworker #2: “No, it means he is a professional and does not want to discuss such things in the office, which makes him the opposite of a pervert! Take the L, [Coworker #1]!”

Coworker #1: “You’re just taking his side because he thinks you’re sexy!”

Me: “[Coworker #1]! Go away now, or I am reporting you to HR.”

Coworker #1: “I should be the one reporting you to HR for having inappropriate thoughts about a coworker!”

Coworker #2: *To [Coworker #1].* “Let’s go. You couldn’t prove your point, and now you’re being bratty.”

Both ladies did eventually leave, and I tried to forget about it.

Sadly, I was called into an HR meeting a few days later. Not because I was in trouble, but because I was needed to corroborate a few stories.

Apparently, an old senior manager had introduced [Coworker #2] to another coworker as “and this beautiful lady with me is…”. Regardless of your feelings on that, [Coworker #1] had heard it and assumed the senior manager wanted to sleep with [Coworker #2], and things spun out of control from there.

She assumed that every man in the office who even thought that [Coworker #2] was attractive was a pervert, just for having the thought. She had gone around the office asking men the same question she had asked me, and some of the younger and less experienced guys in the office had said “yes” without thinking.

[Coworker #1] had then reported ALL those men to HR, hence the investigation.

Because there had been zero misconduct toward [Coworker #2], no complaints were upheld, but [Coworker #1] was given a talking to about looking for problems that don’t exist.

[Coworker #1] still works in the office, but refuses to engage with any men directly, emails only. She claims we’re all perverts and she doesn’t want us thinking about her that way.

Trust me, [Coworker #1], I’m definitely not.

I am in the staff break room, mid-shift. I’m microwaving leftover pasta when my coworker wanders in, clearly annoyed.

Coworker: “I swear, if one more customer asks me where the milk is when I’m elbow-deep restocking frozen peas…”

Me: “You are wearing the store uniform.”

Coworker: “Yeah, but I’m literally in the freezer section. The milk is thirty aisles away! They passed [multiple names of Coworkers] just to get to me!”

Me: “And you think that’s going to stop them?”

Coworker: “I just want them to use their eyes!”

Me: “I once had a customer ask me where aisle five was while we were standing in aisle five, and then refuse to believe me when I told them.”

Coworker: *Scoffs.* “Okay, you win…” *Eyes narrow.* “For today.”

[Coworker] won the next day. He got a customer asking him where the “non-ethnic bread” was when they just meant white bread.

When I worked at a local pizza delivery store, we had an older, DOS-based ordering computer system. It would print the address and each pizza’s ingredients on separate labels, which would be glued to boxes in anticipation of them coming out of the oven.

Our delivery area had a couple of apartment complexes where the whole complex had the same street address. But the building/floor/room numbers formed a five-digit apartment number that completed the address. So, with that in mind, our manager configured that field in the ordering computer to be five characters wide.

Enter our summer high school hire.

She couldn’t drive (too young), she couldn’t build pizzas (too clumsy), so she just took orders. Whenever an order came in from an office building, they would include their suite number. Instead of just putting that number in the apartment field, she would put ‘SUITE ###’. The system would accept all those characters, but the printout would only include the first five characters: ‘SUITE’.

Since this was before the cell phone explosion, if we delivered to the building, but then noticed that it was going to suite ‘SUITE’, we would have to go back to the store, look up the order, and scroll so we could see the actual suite number. I finally returned and instructed her to just put in the number, not the word ‘SUITE’.

High-School Girl: “But then how will you know not to take it to an apartment instead of a suite?”

I face-palmed so hard I may’ve knocked myself unconscious.

Thankfully, she only lasted a month.