A coworker is reading a newspaper during lunch break.

Coworker: “Our artists are dying out. We’re losing so many great artists, actors, singers… and nobody to replace them.”

Me: “Yeah, what doubles as ‘celebrity’ today is mostly known for eating gunk in a jungle.”

Coworker: “Not even that, but here, another actor dead. Every week, you hear this singer is dead or that actor is dead, but you never get to read about any being born.”

Me: “…”

I have just started working for a small company that promotes an extremely fit, healthy, and ethically-minded lifestyle. As a result, a lot of my new coworkers are these beautiful and toned Greek gods and goddesses. While I do exercise twice a week, I am the definition of “average build” compared to these people, but since I have been hired for my IT skills, no one is expecting me to have a six-pack.

During my first few days, I am told that sometimes Human Resources brings in cupcakes from a local bakery. That same day, after finishing a long work task, I see a box of cupcakes on the kitchen table from the local bakery, as described.

I help myself to one, and it’s very good! It’s a little dry, but the flavor is perfect. As I am chewing on a cupcake, one of the goddesses walks in.

Coworker: “Oh, finally! Someone is eating the cupcakes!”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘finally’?”

Coworker: “No one here really eats those. They’ve just been left out.”

Me: “Uh… for how long?”

Coworker: “I think they got them last week sometime?”

Me: “And you just left them here for people to just… eat?!”

Coworker: “Well… we all just kinda ignore them.”

Me: “Obviously!”

I was known as “Cupcake Guy” for the next five years that I worked there. Thankfully, I did not get sick from the one-week-old cupcake, but I threw away the rest. After that, every time HR came in with a free box of cupcakes, they just gave them to me directly!

I remember years ago in the store where I worked, my coworker and I were helping the owner of a local beauty salon. She suddenly turned to my coworker and said:

Salon Owner: “You would look so much better with whiter teeth! Come to my salon and I will help you!”

She kept spouting about it.

My coworker was a stunning young woman. There was nothing wrong with her teeth, but thanks to that salon owner, [Coworker] became very self-conscious about her teeth. She asked me if they needed whitening. I told her no, but she did end up going to a dentist for a whitening treatment that she did not need.

A coworker from my bakery calls me.

Coworker: “I know it’s early, but I just wanted to let you know that when you start your shift, you’ll be opening.”

Me: “But I don’t start until 11:00 am. What happened to [Manager]? Isn’t he opening?”

Coworker: “Something came up, and he can’t make it in. He asked me to check if you have keys.”

Me: “I do. Thanks for letting me know.”

I decide to head in a little early since the manager and owner are great guys and are always nice to me. When I get to the bakery, I can see a hastily written sign on the door from my manager. I am reminded that English is not his first language.

He comes in later in the afternoon, and some of our regulars keep asking him the same question.

Manager: *To me* “Why do they all keep asking me about my procedure and then smiling?”

Me: “Maybe because your sign this morning said, ‘Closed due to personal circumcisions’?”

I am talking about previous work experience with a new coworker.

Coworker: “What is the most ridiculous customer complaint you’ve gotten?”

Me: “A customer tried to get me fired because her salad portion was too small.”

Coworker: “Well, boo her for trying to get you fired, but complaining about a small portion isn’t that bad.”

Me: “It was a self-service buffet place.”

Coworker: “I take that back. You win!”