The State Of The Estate Is In A State

, , , , | Right | July 27, 2018

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My husband died, and I need to get the name changed to my account so I can pay his bills.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, ma’am. Would you like me to send the bills to his estate?”

Customer: *after a pause* “He don’t got an estate.”

Me: “Ma’am, in this instance, estate means whatever property and money the deceased had, usually controlled by his will’s executor, or lawyer.”

Customer: *after a long pause* “He don’t got an estate.”

Me: *pause* “I’ll just change it to your name, shall I?”

Do As I Swear, Not As I Do

, , , , , , | Related | July 24, 2018

(I’m driving with my mother when someone cuts me off in traffic.)

Me: “Stupid a**hole!”

Mum: “[My Name], don’t swear! I raised you better than that!”

(Later on, she is telling me about driving with a friend of the family. Said friend is close to me in age and happens to be male.)

Mum: “So, someone cut [Friend] off, and he called the other driver a ‘dumb f****** dips***.’ Ha ha! He was mortified that he’d sworn in front of me, but I told him that I just thought it was funny.”

Me: “How come when I do it, it’s terrible, but when [Friend] does it, it’s funny?”

Mum: *pause* “Well, I’m not [Friend]’s mother, so it’s different.”

Me: “Would it still be ‘different’ if [Friend] was female?”

Mum: “Of course not! Women shouldn’t swear!”

Me: “Uh-huh...”


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Don’t Drink And Parent

, , , , , , | Learning | July 19, 2018

(My sixteen-year-old daughter is taking drivers’ education at her school. The first part takes place in the classroom, followed by practical experience driving a car. Parents are allowed to attend the classroom part if they wish.)

Instructor: “Now, the law for drinking and driving for new drivers is very strict. It’s a zero-tolerance policy.”

(The mother of one of the kids raises her hand.)

Mother: “What does that mean?”

Instructor: “That means that your kids won’t be allowed to have any alcohol if they’re going to be driving within a certain timeframe.”

Mother: “I don’t get it.”

Instructor: “It’s actually very simple. If your kid will be driving within [number of hours], they can’t have any alcohol.”

Mother:None?

Instructor: “None.”

Mother: “But let’s say that my son is at a party, and he’s going to be there for an hour; it’s okay if he has just one beer, right?”

Instructor: *stares at her* “No.”

Mother:No? But it’s just one beer!”

Instructor: *starting to lose patience* “No alcohol. Period.”

Mother: “But—”

Instructor: “NO. ALCOHOL.”

Mother: “…”

(Her son looked mortified.)

The Great Golf War

, , , , , | Working | July 12, 2018

(It’s our company’s annual Golf Day. It’s a fun event. Basically, we get to golf all afternoon at a reduced price, then eat a nice dinner.)

Event Organizer: “[My Name], could you do me a big favour?”

Me: “Well, I was just about to start golfing—”

Event Organizer: “I know, but the other person organizing Golf Day is stuck in traffic, and I need help assigning everyone to their golf carts and making sure that they’re supplied with bottled water. It’ll take about 30 minutes.”

Me: “Uh… Okay, I guess.”

Event Organizer: “Thanks!” *leaves*

Me: “Wait! What exactly do I do?”

Event Organizer: “You’ll figure it out.”

(I did my best, but because I hadn’t done this before, I was slow – plus, I was unable to get everyone their bottled water before their tee-off time. Some people were visibly annoyed. I got very stressed and upset, and the people I was supposed to be golfing with weren’t impressed to be delayed. Still, it all turned out well in the end – or so I thought. Two days later:)

Event Organizer: “Uh, hi, [My Name]. I’m really sorry to tell you this, but you might be getting a call from HR.”

Me: “What? Why?”

Event Organizer: “Apparently, you missed supplying a couple of golf carts with their bottled water. One of the retirees was really angry, and she told me she was going to call HR to complain about you.”

Me: “I can’t believe this. She got that angry over a free water that maybe cost fifty cents?”

Event Organizer: “Well, she’s a retiree. Maybe she has nothing better to do with her time.”

Getting On Top Of Your Taxes

, , , , , , | Related | July 6, 2018

(There’s a little guy, maybe around 10 or 12, looking at some stuff on sale with his mum.)

Kid: “Look, Mum! Fifteen dollars! I can get it!”

Mum: “There’s tax on top of that.”

Kid: *picks it up and looks on top* “Where?”

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