Egg-specting It Every Time

, , , , , , | Related | December 7, 2018

(I’ve never been able to eat eggs when they’re served on their own. It’s not an allergy, since I can eat them in baking with no problems. There’s something about the taste, smell, and texture that makes me gag. My mother-in-law has always known this about me, and yet… during a Christmas visit in 1992…)

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name], have some of this breakfast dish I made.”

Me: “No, thank you; I’ll just have some toast.”

Mother-In-Law: “Why not? I worked hard on that!”

Me: “It has eggs in it.”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh. Right.”

(During another visit in 1999…)

Mother-In-Law: “Ah, [My Name], there you are. I saved you some scrambled eggs.”

Me: “Um…”

Two-Year-Old Daughter: “Mummy doesn’t like eggs!”

Mother-In-Law: “What? Since when?”

(During another visit in 2012…)

Mother-In-Law: “[My Name], have a bagel tuna melt.”

Me: “Thank you! I love bagel melts.” *takes a bite* “Um, is there egg in the tuna?”

Mother-In-Law: “Of course!” *as though I am stupid to ask*

Me: *quietly to my husband* “Would you like mine? I’ll just have the soup.”

(It’s been over twenty-five years now, and I don’t think she’ll change. We’ve never gotten along, so I suspect that she’s “forgetting” on purpose.)

You Shall Not Boarding Pass!

, , , , , , | Working | December 5, 2018

(My husband, daughters, and I are preparing to leave for our first trip to Disney World, so we’re all very excited. I have a somewhat unusual name. For clarity’s sake, let’s say that my full legal name is “Penelope Piggott-Montmorency,” but I always go by “Penny.” We’re Canadian, so we need passports to fly.)

Employee: *checking my boarding pass and passport* “Did you know that your boarding pass says, ‘Penny,’ but your passport says, ‘Penelope’?”

Me: “Oh, I always go by ‘Penny,’ so that’s what I put when I was booking our flights. Is that a problem?”

Employee: “Um, yes. Don’t you remember the airline website telling you that you have to use the same name as the one on your passport?”

Me: “Oh, boy, you’re right. I totally forgot.”

Employee: *continues to hang on to my documents* “I’m thinking seriously about not letting you get on the plane.”

Me: “What?!” *my kids start to cry* “But we’re going to Disney World! Is there anything I can do? I didn’t mean to use the wrong name! And you can see that the photo in the passport is definitely me.”

Employee: *smirks* “Rules are there for a reason, ma’am.”

(Just then, another airport employee joins us.)

Employee #2: “What’s the problem here?”

Employee: “She’s trying to board with a boarding pass that has a different name from her passport.”

Employee #2: *glances at documents* “You must be kidding. How many ‘Penny/Penelope Piggott-Montmorencys’ do you think the world has? Especially ones whose pictures match the woman standing in front of you? Let her and her family on the d*** plane.” *to me* “Enjoy your trip, ma’am. But next time, make sure you book your flight with the name ‘Penelope,’ just to avoid this kind of hassle again.” *glares at colleague*

(Ever since then, I’ve used my full legal name every time I fly, even when it’s domestic.)

You Booze, You Lose

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 27, 2018

(My friends and I have decided to spend our Saturday night at our favourite bar. Because I’m the designated driver, I’m sticking to a soda. I’ve left my half-finished drink on my table to go dancing. I figure that it’ll be safe, because one of my friends is staying at the table. When I get back, my glass is completely empty.)

Me: “What the h***? What happened to my soda?”

Friend: *grinning* “You know that creepy guy that’s always hanging around, waiting for other people to leave their drinks unattended so that he can finish them?”

Me: “You mean he drank my soda?”

Friend: “Yup.”

Me: “Why didn’t you stop him?”

Friend: “Because he was obviously hoping that it was alcoholic. He looked really peeved that it was only soda.”

Me: “Well, that’s great and all, but now I’m drinkless.”

Friend: “I’ll buy you another one. It was worth it just to see his face.”

(I don’t know if the creepy guy changed his ways after that, but he never tried to steal one of my drinks again, anyway.)

Unfiltered Story #124841

, , , | Unfiltered | November 8, 2018

Our doctor’s office has three doctors, one of whom has just moved to this building from another clinic. The clinic used to be a bank, and has doors that open on to the street, but because there is a step and a bus stop directly in front, we have those doors locked and a sign indicating patients to use the back door, so that there is wheelchair access.
One of the patients from the doctor’s old clinic arrives for the first time at the new clinic and approaches the desk. She is rather upset.
I am sitting next to my co-worker, who is this doctor’s receptionist and I witness the following;
Patient: “Why is the front door locked? I tried and tried and I couldn’t get in! Why do you use the back door? That makes no sense!”
Receptionist: “I’m sorry you were confused, there is a sign there, and we need to use the back door to accommodate patients who can’t use stairs.”
Patient: *sighs and grumbles* “Winnipeg! Anything goes here!”
She gives her name, signs in and sits down. There is a sign asking people to please remove their footwear as the weather in Winnipeg is terrible and people wearing shoes inside makes everything a mess. This is not uncommon in Winnipeg, many clinics have places to leave your shoes. The patient sits for a few minutes, then sees the sign.
Patient: *suddenly screaming* “TAKE OFF MY SHOES?! NO ONE IS GOING TO FORCE ME TO TAKE MY SHOES OFF!! WHAT IS THIS, A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY?!?”
My co-worker and I are blown away and just sort of sit there, stunned.
Patient: “THAT’S IT! JUST CANCEL MY APPOINTMENT! I AM NEVER COMING BACK HERE AGAIN!!”
Receptionist: “Okaaaaayyy…”
The patient storms out and we cancel her appointment.
Several hours later, the phone rings.
Patient: “I MUST speak to Dr (name)!”
Receptionist: “I’m sorry, the doctor is in with patients right now and can’t take phone calls. Can I take a message?”
Patient: “I was in earlier and I left because it was so silly, why is the front door locked? I must speak to Dr. (name)!”
Receptionist: “The doctor doesn’t take phone calls from patients, ma’am. He can’t speak to you.”
Patient: “I NEED TO SPEAK TO HIM RIGHT NOW!”
Receptionist: ” You had your chance to speak with him when you had your appointment, but you chose to leave. You have been very rude. You can find yourself a new family doctor. Goodbye.”

Unfiltered Story #124493

, , , | Unfiltered | October 25, 2018

(Canada recently eliminated pennies from circulation, resulting in some pesky rounding rules. For example: $2.47 rounds down to $2.45 when paying with cash, but $2.48 rounds UP to $2.50. This man pumped $5.03 worth of gasoline.)

Me: That’ll be $5.05.

(He hands me five dollars.)

Me: Sorry sir, but do you have a nickel.

Him: What the f***, are you serious?

(He gives me the filthiest look, like I just suggested his grandmother was a prostitute for  soldiers in the First World War. I stare at him in surprise, but he leaves without further incident and I forget about the whole thing… until he comes back the next day and pumps exactly $9.97.)

Him: I was thinking about you all day yesterday.

Me: Oh. I’m… flattered?

Him: Don’t be. There’s your three cents.

(He slams a ten-dollar bill onto the counter. I process the transaction.)

Me: Thank you sir, and have a nice day. I probably won’t think about you at all.

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