Reply All, Also Known As “The Party Button”

, , , , , | Friendly | March 29, 2021

Pre-health crisis, my friend sends out an email to a large group of people, inviting them to a party. He includes me on the list.

Me: *Replying to the email* “Sounds great! Can’t wait.”

I hit send and then realize too late that I selected “Reply All” by mistake.

Me: *To myself* “Aw, crap. Well, can’t be helped.”

Two minutes later, I get an email from someone I don’t know.

Unknown Person: “WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU EMAILING MY HUSBAND? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY ‘CAN’T WAIT’?”

It turned out that she was married to one of the other email recipients. Rather than realizing that I’d accidentally replied to the entire group, or scrolling down to see the original email, she immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion. I made sure to avoid her and her husband at the party.

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It’s A Gamble If She Makes Her Way To Your Restaurant

, , , , , , | Right | March 24, 2021

I’m an employee in a casino’s food and beverage department. One morning, I go to the in-house fast food chain for a coffee on my break. The cashier takes my order but needs to run to the back for a moment and leaves the counter alone. An old woman walks up in a huff.

Customer: “Well? Aren’t you working right now? Don’t you work here?!”

Me: “I don’t work for [Fast Food Restaurant]; I’m also a customer here right now.”

Customer: “NO! DO. YOU. WORK. HERE?!”

Me: “In the casino or [Fast Food Restaurant]? I work in the casino’s restaurant. They just lease the space; we don’t share staff.”

Customer: *Rolling her eyes* “Well. No one is taking my order!”

Not a second later, the cashier returns in full [Fast Food Restaurant] uniform and cheerfully apologizes for the wait. She hands me my coffee and quickly begins taking the old woman’s order when she’s immediately cut off.

Customer: “Hold on! I don’t know what I want! Do you have [Famous Item from another fast food chain]?”

I shot the cashier a sympathetic glance and returned to my work area as fast as I could.

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How Dare Unemployed People Seek Jobs!

, , , , , | Working | March 11, 2021

Years ago, I was laid off from my IT job along with about twenty others. It wasn’t personal; the company was experiencing a downturn and simply didn’t have enough work for all of us. One of the nice things the company did was to connect us with an outplacement agency. The idea was that the agency would help us fine-tune our resumes and practice our interviewing skills.

Outplacement Agent: “One question interviewees always get asked is, ‘Tell me about yourself.’ This is an opportunity for you to do a thirty-second ‘commercial’ on how awesome you are. Now, you were all laid off, and even though it was due to no fault of your own, it’s something that your ‘commercial’ should include. Your interviewer will find out about it sooner or later, and it’s better coming from you.”

So, I come up with my “commercial” and I make sure that it mentions the fact that I was involved in a layoff due to my former company downsizing. I get an interview, and this is how it goes.

Interviewer: “Tell me about yourself.”

I think, “Great! Here’s my chance!”

Me: “I worked for [Company] for eight years. Earlier this year, I was part of a mass layoff due to the company having to downsize.”

I continue to speak for about twenty more seconds.

Interviewer: “Mm-hmm. Tell me about your current position.”

Me: “Um… well, my former position at [Company] was—”

Interviewer: “I said your current position.”

Me: “As I mentioned, I was part of a mass layoff earlier this year—”

The interviewer stares at me.

Interviewer: “Oh. So you’re unemployed.”

She says this with the same tone that you’d use to say, “Oh. So you have LEPROSY.”

The rest of the interview stumbles along, but it is clear that she’s lost interest in me. Then, she mentions this gem.

Interviewer: “Our employees work very hard. They never take coffee breaks, and if they take lunch breaks, they always eat at their desks and are back at work in fifteen minutes.”

Me: “…”

I desperately needed a job, and if they’d offered it to me, I would have taken it,but I can’t say that I was heartbroken when that didn’t happen. I got an offer from a different company eventually, and eighteen years later, I’m still there.

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Consider The Second One A Free Party, I Guess

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 9, 2021

My friend’s wife’s sister is planning her wedding.

Friend: “She wants a destination wedding in Cuba. This’ll be great. All of the families are going to be there, plus a bunch of friends. I can’t wait!”

Me: “Wow, sounds awesome! Take lots of photos.”

Several months later, I get to see the photos.

Friend: “And here’s the wedding.”

Me: “On the beach? So pretty! And what gorgeous weather they had.”

Friend: “Right? It was perfect. So romantic, and everyone had a wonderful time.”

Several months later…

Friend: *Grumpy* “So… my sister-in-law is getting married again.”

Me: “What? Didn’t she just get married?”

Friend: “Yup.”

Me: “Don’t tell me if you’d rather not, but why are she and her husband getting divorced?”

Friend: “Oh, they’re not.”

Me: *Pauses* “I’m confused.”

Friend: “See, my mother-in-law is very religious. And even though a priest married [Sister-In-Law] and [Brother-In-Law], my mother-in-law doesn’t think it was a ‘real’ wedding, because it took place on a beach.”

Me: “But… she was there. I saw her in the photos.”

Friend: *Sighs* “I know. But she’s absolutely adamant that she won’t accept the marriage unless it takes place in a church.”

Me: “But the expense!”

Friend: “She said she’d pay for it.”

Me: “Which date are [Sister-In-Law] and [Brother-In-Law] going to use for their anniversary?”

Friend: “Beats me.”

The second wedding went forward, and the twice-married bride’s mother was finally satisfied.

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You’d Sleep Even Better With This Nice Pillow Over Your Face

, , , , , | Related | February 23, 2021

My mother-in-law is very self-centred. When my second daughter is an infant, [Mother-In-Law] comes to stay with us for a few days, ostensibly to help with the new baby. She barely lifts a finger, however; in fact, she makes MORE work for my husband and me.

One morning kind of takes the cake, though. The baby has been up all night crying, and I am absolutely exhausted. [Mother-In-Law] comes upstairs from her room for breakfast.

Mother-In-Law: “You look terrible, [My Name].”

Me: “I bet. [Daughter] was crying all night, and—”

Mother-In-Law: *Reassuringly* “Don’t worry. I didn’t hear a thing, and I slept just fine.”

Oh, phew, because THAT was my biggest concern!

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