Apparently, I left my office desk drawers unlocked when I was last in the office a few months ago. I find that they have been ransacked and anything of perceived value has been taken.

Luckily, it was mostly company stationery, but I did have some food stuff in there. It’s beyond annoying, and I’m pretty sure I know who it was.

Me: “Oh, no! My drawers!”

Coworker #1: “What happened?”

Me: “Someone has stolen all of my things!”

Coworker #1: “What?! Some people are scum in this office.” *Glares at [Coworker #2]*

Me: *Dramatically* “Oh, no! They’ve taken the food, too.”

Coworker #1: “Don’t worry. We can buy some more.”

Me: *Loudly* “No, I mean it was really out of date. Like months. I had been meaning to throw it out for ages.”

Coworker #1: “Really?”

Me: “Yeah, I hope they didn’t eat it. That stuff can be toxic when it goes off.”

Coworker #1: “Come on. Let’s get some more stationery for you.”

When we returned, [Coworker #2] was nowhere to be seen. Later, he went home feeling sick. The joke’s on him; none of it was out of date. It was just his paranoia and guilt making him sick.

I did make sure to buy more food and offer [Coworker #2] some when he came back in. Surprisingly, he declined.

My coworker is packing up her things to leave when our supervisor emerges from her office.

Supervisor: “[Coworker], I’ve noticed you often leave a few minutes before 5:00.”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s okay. I don’t mind.”

Supervisor: “Uh, no, you need to stay until 5:00.”

Coworker: “No, really, I don’t mind!”

Supervisor: “We’re paying you to be here until 5:00.”

Coworker: “It’s fine. I don’t mind!”

Supervisor: “We need you here until 5:00!”

Coworker: “No, it’s okay. I don’t mind!”

[Coworker] cheerfully leaves. Frustrated, [Supervisor] turns to me.

Supervisor: “You get it, right?!”

[Coworker #1] is a bit deaf but won’t admit it. Everyone else is wrong, whispering, or “doesn’t know how to talk properly.” It’s not really a problem, but it can be a nightmare if you have to work with him, as you end up having to yell the whole time. Ironically, he can’t hear the background noise so he doesn’t talk nearly loud enough.

Management has offered him free hearing tests, and he would qualify for free hearing aids, but they can’t force him.

One day, I get to work, arriving late after a booked appointment.

Me: “What’s everyone doing outside?”

Coworker #2: “Fire. Sounds like a small one, but we’ve been evacuated.”

Me: “Okay. I’d better let them know I’m here and let [Coworker #1] know; he is probably trying to get me reported for being late.”

I find my boss and let him know I’m here. After a while, I go back to find him again.

Me: “Is [Coworker #1] working today?”

Boss: “Yes, I saw him earlier.”

Me: “Well, he isn’t anywhere; I can’t find him.”

Boss: “Oh, s***.”

He went to let one of the fire marshalls know, who let the firemen know. It turned out that [Coworker #1] couldn’t hear the ear-piercing siren and didn’t notice that no one else was around. He was at his station working away!

After that, the company forced him to get his ears tested and he was given hearing aids. Suddenly, [Coworker #1] could hear us properly again, even though he swears the hearing aids don’t do anything.

My husband and I are expecting our first baby and just found out we’re having a girl. I am talking with a coworker who is also pregnant and having a girl, as well.

Me: “We just found out we’re having a girl!”

Coworker: “And you’re happy about that? You didn’t want a boy first?”

Me: “Not really. I’d be happy either way, but I am really excited to be having a girl.”

Coworker: “Is your husband disappointed?”

Me: “Uh, no. He’s thrilled. He was actually really hoping for a girl; he’s probably more excited than I am.”

She didn’t say much after that but I got the impression she wasn’t happy about having a girl.

To put it mildly, my coworker is a selfish idiot who lacks basic self-awareness, which results in her looking like a massive hypocrite. Today, she is really on a roll.

Example #1:

Last summer, she bumped someone’s hours from forty hours a week to fifteen hours to nine hours during a global health crisis. Today, these words come out of her mouth in regards to an intern not minding taking the day off.

Coworker: “We cannot just tell him not to show up! He is depending on those hours!”

Eight hours versus two-hundred and fifty — seems fair.

Example #2:

[Coworker] will send me text messages two minutes before the meeting starts and then ask me if I saw the text message. Rather than just asking the question, she will derail the entire meeting to repeatedly ask if I saw her text message, despite me telling her no. One-hundred percent of the time, the question is something that can wait for after the meeting and is not a huge secret that no one else can know about.

Coworker: “[Instant Message Service] is a huge distraction. It is like text messages!”

So, you admit you do this to be a jerk?

Example #3:

[Coworker] has it in that insane little head of hers that, if I am in the office, then SHE is in the office. Therefore, I always need to be in the office. I have a doctor’s appointment and won’t be in until later.

Coworker: “Someone needs to be in the office at all times. It looks bad if we aren’t.”

This is the same woman who spent every Monday for six months claiming she was going to the dentist and then cancelling it each time after sending out mass texts announcing she was at the dentist and wouldn’t be available. God forbid I get my anxiety meds to deal with this woman.

She is the absolute worst.