(I’m a new librarian, and have only been working for about two months.)

Patron: “Hi. I’m looking for the new Harry Potter book.”

Me: “Oh, okay. That would actually be in the fiction section, which is downstairs. This is the reference department.”

Patron: “But the lady said you had it up here.”

Me: “What lady?”

Patron: “The one at the desk downstairs.”

Me: “Okay… well, let me take you downstairs and I’ll show you where it is.”

Patron: “Thanks!”

(Strangely, this sort of thing kept happening repeatedly. I would get patrons looking for all sorts of random things that I had nothing to do with. Every time, they would say they were sent to me by “the lady downstairs”. I finally decided to check on this with my coworkers.)

Me: “Hey guys, does anyone know why I keep getting people who are looking for fiction or movies upstairs? They’re not even on the same floor.”

Coworker: “Oh, I’ve been sending them to you.”

Me: “But why? I keep having to bring them down here to find things.”

Coworker: “Well, I never know what they’re looking for.”

Me: “That last one was Harry Potter. That’s definitely fiction.”

Coworker: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!”

Me: “Because you work in a library…”

(I’m the General Manager of a brand-new hotel. One of my coworkers essentially became the owner’s “pet” after about three weeks of being open. She and I didn’t get along, which made things difficult as the owner would often take her side. The following is one incident that took place.)

Owner: “Where is that disc that [Coworker] asked for from the software company?”

Me: “It’s in my office. Let me grab it.”

Coworker: “No, it’s here in the garbage. Why would you put it in the garbage?”

Me: “What? No, it was on my desk.”

Owner: “Why would you put it in the garbage? You knew she needed that!”

Me: *confused* “But I didn’t—”

Coworker: “Yes, you did! See, it’s all dirty. This is how you get viruses on your computer!”

Me: “You do not get computer viruses by putting in a disc that was in the garbage.”

Owner: “Of course you do! You don’t know what the h*** you’re talking about!”

Me: “I give up. I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

(Thankfully, I didn’t have to put up with the coworker for long. She ended up stealing thousands of dollars from the hotel and got caught and arrested. When this happened, I said to the owner, “Computer virus, huh?” and she turned red and walked away.)

(It’s a particularly busy day at the movie theater where I work. My coworker and I have gone on break. We have a very strict supervisor this day who gets angry if we exceed our 15-minute break by even half a minute.)

Coworker: “Ugh! When do when have to be back?”

Me: *looking at the clock* “Well, we got in here at 4:36, so we don’t have to be back until 4:51.”

Coworker: *stares incredulously* “Are you, like, REALLY good at math?!”

(Not surprisingly, she got fired a few weeks later for consistently being late for work.)

(My coworker and I are dusting chocolate bars when this exchange happens.)

Coworker: “Man…Willy Wonka must have, like, so much money!”

Me: “Yeah, but I think that’s Nestle.”

Coworker: “No, like, look at all the candy his company makes! He must just be loaded!”

Me: *playing along* “Uh, yep. Pretty loaded…”

Coworker: “I wonder how he comes up with all this stuff? He must be a mad genius or something!”

(I can’t tell if she’s joking, so I go over and grab a box of Runts, look at the back, and confirm that it’s Nestle.)

Me: “Yeah, definitely Nestle. It says right here on the back.”

Coworker: *ignores me* “I just can’t believe how many products he’s come up with. He seriously must have just so much money!”

Me: “[Coworker], you know that Willy Wonka is not a real person right? He’s a character created by Roald Dahl for a book.”

Coworker: “What?! Are you kidding me?” *laughs hysterically* “This whole time I thought he was a real person!”

(I’ve just had minor surgery on my hand and returned to work. I am wearing a bandage and a glove over that for health and safety reasons. Note that this is Australia, where there are precisely zero bears.)

Coworker: “Why are you wearing a glove?”

Me: *lifts up arm to show her the bandage*

Coworker: “Oooh, how’d that happen? Did you… cut yourself?! Tell me!”

Me: “Nah. Got in a fight with a bear.”

Coworker: “Really? Wow!”

Me: “Yeah, I know, it was intense.”

Coworker: *completely serious* “How’d you get in a fight with a bear?!”