Customer: “Do you have any books on ghosts and demons?”

Me: “Fiction or non-fiction?”

Customer: *Almost offended* “Non-fiction of course!”

Me: “We have a few, such as a history of ghost sightings and the paranormal.”

Customer: “No, do you have anything specific to demonic possession? I just saw that Conjuring movie, and I had no idea that it was a real thing!”

Me: “Well… those movies might be based on real people and what they claimed they saw, but they’re extremely exaggerated, and I wouldn’t use them as evidence for what is real.”

Customer: “But it said it was based on a true story!”

I have also recently seen the movie.

Me: “I think it actually said it was inspired by the case files of Ed and Lorraine Warren, which allows the filmmakers a bit more… creative license.”

Customer: “Well, that’s disappointing. I wanted to learn about demonic possession!”

Me: “Well, we still have books related to the subject that you might find interesting.”

Customer: “Oh, good. My new neighbors have been bugging me for weeks, so I wanted to curse them.”

Me: *Lost for words* “That’s… interesting?“

I bring him to our small section on the paranormal and leave him to it. Ten minutes later, he’s leaving the store, shouting over to me: 

Customer: “Useless! None of them are about haunting your neighbor with a demon!”

About a year ago, I was delivering for a pizza place, and I had to deliver about twenty pizzas for a last-minute order during a football night in town.

I was already annoyed because they made me help make it even though we had plenty of people in the kitchen and three other deliveries that needed to be taken, as well. I knew my way around the kitchen but had no clue how to portion properly because, you know, Not My Job. But I guess I made the five specialty ones wrong, and they had to be remade, which was another twenty minutes because we were very busy.

Well, those twenty minutes turned into almost two hours because I “was needed here”. Okay. Don’t blame me when we get angry calls.

After a bit, I was finally free to do my actual job and deliver the pizzas. After all this hassle and my stressing about angry people, I saw a whopping three-dollar tip on the ticket and a twenty-minute drive on my phone. Needless to say, I used some fun words on the road that day.

One twenty-minute drive later, I pulled up to a house with about eight cars parked in the already small driveway and in the yard. As I was carrying the first of two large bags to the door, suddenly, a wild Fratboy popped up from a truck bed — similar to how the WWE wrestler Undertaker would sometimes get up if that helps anyone visualise. Undertaker got up, hopped out very excitedly, and walked up to me.

Undertaker: “I’ll help!”

In hindsight, letting a clearly drunk man carry ten pizzas fifty feet wasn’t a good idea, but $3 doesn’t get my full effort.

I went to my car, grabbed the second bag and the receipt to get the company-mandated signature, and headed up. Who answered the door?

That’s right: ANOTHER COMPANY’S DRIVER. We shared a glance before he helped me set my pizzas up in the kitchen area. Undertaker came in.

Undertaker: “Pizza man and pizza dude!”

He was followed by about thirty people who basically just kept tipping us like it was a cover charge to a bar.

Pizza Man and I went our separate ways with free drinks and a good amount of cash as a prize.

I still think about Fratboy Undertaker sometimes!

I went to a client’s office to install some apps for a telemarketing platform they wanted on their server.

Me: “How can I put the apps on your server? Would a flash drive work?”

Client: “Sure, bring them on a flash drive and plug them into the external contractor’s PC so I can transfer them to the server where you’ll install them.”

I went there the next day and plugged in the flash drive. Nothing happened, so I went to [Client] and asked him about it.

Client: “Oh, security blocked all our USB ports and CD readers on our PCs. You may have to download it from the webpage, instead.”

The webpage was blocked, as well as almost every other website we tried to visit. 

Client: “That’s bad. Just send them to me through email.”

And that’s how [Client] and I learned that any email that was not from an address at “[Client] dot com” would have its attachments purged, no matter the file extension.

There’s security, and then there’s THIS.

My time in Tokyo had come to an end. My buddy was helping me bring my luggage to the airport, going through various train stations along the way. At one point, we were near the top floor of a station and needed to get to the ground level, so we headed to the elevator.

The elevator had just let a group of people off and we could clearly see the interior. It had an extra set of buttons in the back corner and was otherwise empty save for an old lady on the opposite side. As she saw us approaching this woman promptly lunged toward the buttons in the back and mashed the “door close” button.

She was long gone from our sight after we had to wait for the elevator to make an extra round. I feel like I should’ve been offended by her action, but honestly, seeing how rapidly she moved to close the door on us was a sight to behold.

My sister is shopping for her own car for the first time and is nervous about dealing with salesmen, so she brings me along for support. Please note that any names in this story are definitely fictitious.

Sister: “I just know they’re going to pressure me into buying something today, and I feel so awkward saying no!”

Me: “So imagine they’re somebody that you don’t feel awkward saying no to. Like that one guy at your work who thinks he’s smarter than you, and you have to keep shutting him down.”

Sister: “You mean Ollie?”

Me: “Yeah, Ollie. So, whoever the salesman is, just tell yourself he’s Ollie. You know how to say no to Ollie.”

We wait a little while before a salesman comes over to us.

Salesman: “Hi, ladies, nice to meet you. I’m Ollie!”

We both burst out laughing. The poor guy looks very confused, but goes into his pitch and shows my sister a couple of cars. As we are getting ready to leave, he tries to bring in some backup…

Ollie: “Let me see if my manager can help you get what you’re looking for. Hey, Ollie, do you have a minute?”

Yes, the salesman and his manager both had the same name, and it was the same as my sister’s workplace rival! She ended up buying her car somewhere else, but most of her first-time jitters were gone, and all because of a name.