Parents Have Beef With Teachers

, , , , , | Learning | September 29, 2017

(I am a teacher. There is a very quiet but sweet-natured little girl in my class. She is no trouble at all to teach, but seems to be a little sheltered and clueless about a lot of very basic things, which has lead to her being picked on by other kids. Her mother, on the other hand, is something else entirely! At this point, she is going through an extremely bitter divorce with her ex-husband, and many of the teachers at the school loathe her. Despite presenting herself as a loving woman who cherishes “all living things,” she frequently resorts to threats of violence and intimidation to get what she wants. Last year, she tried to get a teacher fired for reading “The Ugly Duckling,” which she claimed promoted “bullying and narcissism.” Word around town is that social services have been investigating her behavior and are very concerned about the child’s well being. I have just taught a lesson on different foods and where they come from. The little girl is extremely quiet throughout, but nothing seems wrong. The next day at lunch, I get called into the headmaster’s office. My heart sinks when I see the mother standing there, looking like I just murdered her family.)

Mother: “THERE HE IS! THAT’S THE MAN WHO TRAUMATISED MY BABY!”

(The headmaster looks like he wants to be anywhere but here, but reluctantly pushes on.)

Headmaster: “[My Name], did you happen to teach a class about killing animals yesterday?”

(Unexpectedly, I giggle slightly at this, because it sounds absurd.)

Mother: “HOW DARE YOU TEACH MY CHILD HOW TO KILL AN INNOCENT ANIMAL?! YOU ARE A MONSTER!”

Me: “What on earth are you talking about? I said nothing like that.”

Mother: “LIAR! MY BABY WAS UP ALL NIGHT CRYING; SHE WAS HORRIFIED!”

Me: “Sorry, I’m really confused here.”

Headmaster: “Mrs. [Mother] claims that you taught her class how to kill animals and eat them; is this true?”

Me: “Not at all, [Headmaster]. All I did was give a class on food—”

Mother: *interrupting* “He told the children about killing a beautiful, defenseless animal! My daughter was too scared to come into school today because of what she learned.”

Headmaster: “Could you please let him explain?”

(Thankfully, the mother shuts up for a moment, and I am allowed to go on.)

Me: “All I did was explain where different foods come from, such as beef coming from cows, chicken coming from a chicken, and pork coming from pigs. I also explained how milk comes from cows and eggs from chickens, and how fruits come from the trees and vegetables are grown in the ground. I never once told the kids about any murder, or that it was right to kill animals for food. I just told them basic facts.”

Mother: “No child should learn about such horrible things! What kind of school do you think you’re running here?”

Headmaster: “Right; I’ve heard enough now! These are things even you learned in school, which you know for a fact are true. What was it that [My Name] said that upset your daughter so much?”

Mother: “My daughter is too young to know about animals being killed! Frankly, I think the two of you are terrible people for allowing this!”

Me: “Look. I understand where you are coming from here, but these are basic facts your daughter has to learn. She already has enough trouble with the other kids, and I’ve had to talk to several parents already about the other students who pick on her! When she goes to high school, she will learn about history, including violent topics like World War I and World War II. If she goes to [Local Catholic School], she will have to learn about different religious viewpoints, and some biblical stories that will be unsettling, or she might read English books with more mature themes in them. While I appreciate that you want her to grow up in an environment that is pure and untainted, I feel this approach is just setting her back.”

(For the next few minutes, the mother screamed at me and the headmaster that she was “going to have our jobs” before storming out the room. Later that day, she turned up at the house of one of the members on the board of education and made a big scene about wanting us both fired. Apparently, after repeatedly being asked to leave, she only left when the woman threatened to call the cops! The next day, she pulled her child out of the school claiming she was going to homeschool her because this environment was “too provocative.” Tragically, a couple of weeks later, I heard that the mother was arrested for assaulting someone in a supermarket, and full custody was given to the father. A few years ago, I happened to see that little girl with her father and stepmother; she looked like a happy and normal teenage girl, so I’m glad there was a happy ending. We never heard about the mother again.)

Can’t Have The Cake, And Eat It

, , , , , , | Right | September 28, 2017

(It is my little sister’s birthday. To celebrate, we have booked into a favourite restaurant in the city centre, where one of my university friends waits tables. As usual, I go in about two hours prior with a birthday cake, and ask the staff if they would mind bringing it out after we finish our food. I bake and decorate the cakes myself as a hobby, and I get carried away, so they’re usually quite extravagant. I’ve themed this one around Pitch Perfect, one of my sister’s favourite films.)

Other Customer: “Excuse me, [Waiter Friend]. Could you tell me where I can order one of those cakes?” *she points at our table*

Waiter: “I don’t know about that. [My Name] makes them herself, but we do parties often, and I can recommend some oth—”

Customer: “No! Don’t fob me off. I’ll ask them myself.”

(She gets up and walks over to our table.)

Customer: “Excuse me; I am sorry to interrupt your meal, but I was wondering if you could tell me where you ordered that cake? I need one identical for my daughter’s graduation.”

Me: “I made it myself, but I don’t do this as a business. I’m sorry. I believe [Waiter] has a list of approved affiliate bakeries they use for parties. Contact one of them?”

Customer: “NO! You’re as bad as [Waiter]. You’re just saying that so I stop disturbing you.”

Me: “I’m telling the truth, but you ARE disturbing me. It’s my sister’s birthday. We are trying to enjoy it, but you’re causing a scene.”

Customer: “Stop LYING. You just don’t want me to have a cake as nice as yours.”

Sister: “Look, lady. She makes cakes for all her family and friends! Here; I’ve got photos of her making other ones.”

(My sister pulls out her phone and flips through it to show pictures of the two of us fooling around in the kitchen, making cakes. The customer watches.)

Customer: “Okay, fine. Whatever. You make them? Good. You WILL make one of those for me; I’ll pay you a reasonable amount, if I’m satisfied with the work.”

Me: “Nope, I’m not in the business. Sorry.”

Customer: “Well, you should be! I need that cake. You do understand I’m offering to pay you, here?”

Me: “People like you are exactly why I’m not. I would like for you to leave us in peace now, if you don’t mind.”

Customer: “Well, I never! So rude! [Waiter], fire her!”

Waiter: “Ma’am, she is a customer. How can I fire her?”

Customer: “Kick her out and bar her. She is so unhelpful!”

Waiter: “She is a customer; she can be as ‘unhelpful’ towards you as she pleases if you’re going to harass her. I’m going to fetch you your bill. I don’t want gratuity, and I’m knocking 25% off before you even START to quibble on the price like you normally do. Please pay it and leave, before I call the police.”

(The lady opens her mouth with half a mind to give my friend a dressing down, but shuts her mouth, pays up, and leaves. I guess she knew eventually to admit defeat.)

Waiter: “Sorry about that, you guys!”

Me: “Don’t mention it. Here, put that lady’s 25% in the tip jar; I’ll cover it. Thanks for getting her out; I thought she was gonna punch me!”

(The owner ended up giving us the meal for free, so we put the entire meal cost into the tip pool. They said that the lady was also a regular, whom they disliked and were trying to get banned, but that she hadn’t been back since our “altercation.” I guess cake can solve almost anything!)

Having Some Coffee With Their Baked Goods

, , , , | Right | September 27, 2017

(Please note that this is a small, two-sided, two-windowed coffee shop. We currently have two customers, one at each window.)

Customer: *speaking slowly* “Wow. Y’all are really busy. Man. Can’t believe you’re so busy right now.”

Manager: *laughs* “Yeah, we’re totally slammed.”

Customer: “Y’all gots a lot of cars here for a tiny place.”

(At this point, we realize the woman is serious.)

Manager: “Uh…yeah. We’re actually really slow right now. Have a nice day, bye!”

Customer: “What?” *muttering* “There’s just so many people…”

Manager: *closes window* “I haven’t seen anybody that baked since I was in high school. Wow.”

(It took the woman three minutes to pull out of the driveway and onto the completely empty street. I hope she made it home okay.)

A Shocking Piece Of Journalism

, , , , | Learning | September 27, 2017

A Shocking Piece Of Journalism

 

High School, USA

 

(I am reporter for the school newspaper. I am assigned to interview several teachers on what their first jobs were, before they finished school and became teachers. Most of the jobs are pretty standard: food service, landscaping, there was one teacher who was a live-in nanny, etc. Then I decide to interview our school’s wrestling coach. He is an older man with a big personality, so I think for sure he will have had an interesting first job.)

Me: “Thank you for letting me interview you, Coach. Can you please tell me about the first job you ever had?”

Coach: *thinks for a minute* “I was a fish shocker!”

Me: “Huh?” *thinking I heard him wrong, though what could you possibly mistake for “fish shocker”?*

Coach: “Yeah! A fish shocker!”

Me: “I… uh… I need more details.”

Coach: “I’d set up this device at the lakes, and shock the water so all the fish would float up to the surface.”

Me: “And why did you do that?”

Coach: *slaps the top of his desk and laughs* “So they could be counted, of course! They’d wake up eventually and swim away, so we had to count fast!”

Me: “Uh-huh, okay, great. Anything else?”

Coach: “Nope, that was it.”

Me: “Well, thank you. This should be an interesting article.”

(Later, while writing the article, I did some research and figured out he was talking about electrofishing. At the time, I had no clue that was an actual thing someone could do for a job. We featured the coach’s story in the article and for a couple of weeks, kids went around saying they were going to be “fish shockers” when they grew up!)

Goat Eggs For Veterans

, , , , | Right | September 27, 2017

(I work tech support for a satellite company. The customer I’m speaking with is getting a signal lost on one receiver, and we are setting up a service call for a tech. This customer has already stated to me that he’s had a few beers, but has been otherwise normal up until this.)

Me: “Would you have any special instructions for the tech? Gates, animals, hidden driveways?”

Customer: “Can he bring me a goat?”

Me: “I’m sorry. Our tech can’t bring a goat.”

Customer: “But you asked about special instructions. I want him to bring me a goat.”

Me: “He cannot bring you an animal.”

Customer: “What about eggs? Can he bring me eggs?”

Me: “No, sir. He would not have anything like that available to bring.”

Customer: “I bet if I told you I was a veteran, it would be different.”

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