(A customer brings her dog to the front desk in a panic.)

Customer: “My dog has fleas, so I need you to help me. I have been using the flea medication you gave me, but I can still see flea eggs.”

Me: “Ma’am, you can see flea eggs?”

Customer: “I have been trying to pick them off, but they seem to be stuck.”

Me: “Okay, can you show me the eggs you have been trying to pick off?”

(Customer lifts up the dog to show me the belly.)

Customer: “See! These!”

Me: “Ma’am, those are not flea eggs; they are his nipples.”

Customer: “Nipples? But he’s a male. How does he have nipples? They have to be flea eggs.”

Me: “I assure you, he has no fleas, and the ‘eggs’ you have been trying to pick off are in fact his nipples.”

Customer: “Get the vet. You don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s a male! He can’t have nipples.”

Me: “Ma’am, do human males have nipples?”

Customer: *stares blankly for a moment* “Well, s***!” *walks out*

This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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(I work in a shoe store, men’s department.)

Me: “Good morning. Just let me know if you have any questions today.”

Customer: “Thank you. I am looking for shoes.”

Me: “Well, you are in the right store. What kind of shoes?”

Customer: “Shiny grey.”

Me: “You mean a silver shoe?”

Customer: “Exactly! But let’s just call it shiny grey.”

This story is part of our Wrong Names roundup!

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Customer: “Hi, can I check your lost and found? I think I left my phone here the other night.”

Me: “Sure.” *gets out box* “Here you go.”

Customer: *rummages through the box* “Whoa!”

(She finds a very expensive MP3 player and begins to pocket it.)

Me: “Ma’am, you said you left your phone here.”

Customer: “Yeah, so? I still want this.”

Me: “But it’s not yours. Someone else lost it and will probably be looking for it.”

Customer: “Well, if they were stupid enough to lose something so expensive they don’t deserve to have it! Oh, here’s my phone!”

(She walks away with her brand new iPhone.)

This story is part of our iPhone roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling [Internet Company]. You have reached [My Name]. How can I help?”

Customer: “The Internet isn’t working again!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that; how long has it not been working?”

Customer: “Since all the weird lights last night!”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, what are the lights on the modem doing now?”

Customer: “How am I supposed to know? It’s covered in tinfoil!”

Me: “Ma’am, that a terrible fire hazard! You need to unwrap that now!”

Customer: “Absolutely not! It’s the only way to keep the aliens out! I would rather burn the house down than allow them into my computer!”

Me: “I’m sorry… aliens?”

Customer: “Yes, aliens! And those weird lights outside; I told you! That’s why it’s not working!”

(I hear her handling aluminum foil and a dog barking in the background.)

Customer: “So, are you going to get me a new modem or not?”

Me: “Certainly, just a moment.”

Customer: “That’s what I thought! Now hurry up! I need to go rewrap the dog!”

This story is part of the Aliens roundup!

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(Our laser tag equipment works on radio waves. The laser is only there to see the general area you’re aiming for. Two customers approach me.)

Customer #1: “Will these blind you if you get shot in the eye?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It’s a very low powered beam. It is a bit disconcerting when you get tagged in the eye, but that’s just your eye adjusting suddenly to the bright light in the darkness.”

Customer #1: “Are you sure it won’t hurt your eyes?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. To do any damage at all, you would have to stare down the barrel and shoot yourself in the eye repeatedly.”

([Customer #2] immediately looked into the barrel and held down the trigger.)