(I’m a hostess seating a very attractive couple and their adorable nine-month-old baby.)
Me: “Do we have anything to celebrate tonight?”
Wife: “No… Well…”
Me: “Yes?”
Wife: *as if divulging a great secret* “Well, I’ve been on a cleanse since I had my baby, and I’m only allowed to eat on certain days. Today… I get to eat DINNER!”
Me: “Uhm…”
Wife: *nervous giggle*
(Our store has a hot lunch station, which includes soup made in-house.)
Customer: “Is there a schedule for the soups? Like, is it the same thing week after week?”
Me: “It is right here.” *pointing to this month’s soup menu*
Customer: “It seems like the soups lately have all been kind of, well, leftish fringe. All red lentils and stuff.”
(He scrutinizes the menu, muttering to himself.)
Customer: “Ha! ‘German Sausage and Potato.’ That’s normal. Who knows what the h*** is in ‘Thai Curry.’”
Coworker: *on phone* “For a turtle? No, ma’am, we only have those for cats and dogs… I’ve never heard of that before, but if they exist, we don’t carry them… I’m sorry, I’m a cashier and I’m not allowed to make those kinds of decisions… Okay, you’re welcome.” *hangs up phone*
Me: “Did she want a pet carrier for a turtle?”
Coworker: “Yeah, and when I told her that we don’t have them, she asked if we would carry them if she invented one.”
This story is part of the American States roundup!
(The restaurant is near a Navy base and therefore, sometimes, sailors and officers off-duty come to eat. A man and his girlfriend come in. They haven’t reserved a table, are rude and snotty with my coworkers, complain a lot about the food, talk loudly, and sometimes mock the other customers. My manager decides that enough is enough when the man lights a cigarette after requesting his bill.)
Manager: “Sir, you can’t smoke here.”
Customer: “Yes, I can.”
Manager: “Sir, you’re in a smoke-free zone. Either go away or put out this cigarette.”
(The customer gets up. He’s clearly taller and larger than the manager and glances at him.)
Customer: “Buddy, listen. I’m a Navy’s lieutenant, so I’m not going to take crap from civvies. Just shut up and let me smoke.”
(At this point, I decide to call the police when I notice another customer with his family getting up and going straight to the troublemaker.)
Customer #2: “Did I hear you’re in the Navy?”
Customer: “Yeah, so?”
Customer #2: “You work at the base here?”
Customer: “What? Get the f*** out, you d*** civvie!”
Customer #2: “You know [Name]?”
Customer: “Who the f*** are you and what the f*** do you want?”
Customer #2: “Do you know [Name]?”
Customer: “[Name] is my superior!”
Customer #2: “Well, I’m HIS superior, and as soon as I’m out of here, I’ll make sure he lights your a** up.”
(The second customer pulls out a military ID and shows it to him. The troublemaking customer goes white, apologizes profusely to the manager and the customer, pays his bill, and storms off with his girl WHILE SOBBING. Turns out the man showed him his military ID, and he’s a Navy’s rear-admiral. Needless to say, we gave a huge discount to the officer.)
Me: “Hello, this is [Company].”
Caller: “Hi, who just called me?”
Me: “I’m not sure. You’ve reached general reception.”
Caller: “Well, someone just called me from this number.”
Me: “Sorry, but there’s no way for me to tell who called you, as this is the general number.”
Customer: “What are you?”
(I explain the company.)
Customer: “I didn’t understand anything about what you just said. Why did you call me?”
Me: “It could be a wrong number.”
Customer: “Ugh, fine. Stop wasting my time by calling me if you don’t know who you are, please!”
