Not A Healthy Childhood

, , , , | Related | July 15, 2017

(My father, a nurse, has always been of the opinion that unless you’re running a fever or near death, you don’t need to go to the doctor. Despite my pleading, he never took me in for yearly checkups or anything of the sort.)

Me: *age 12* “Dad, I really need to go to the doctor.”

Dad: “Are you sick?”

Me: “I don’t have a fever but—”

Dad: “Then you’re not going. You’re fine.”

Me: “It’s… a woman… thing… Can I please just go?”

Dad: “No.”

(Time passes.)

Me: *age 17* “Dad, I need to make a doctor’s appointment.”

Dad: “You’re not sick.”

Me: “I still need to go! I haven’t been to the doctor since I was eight and I have this lump—”

Dad: “No. End of story. You’re fine.”

(I move out and get my own health insurance.)

Me: *age 19, on the phone* “Gotta go. My doctor’s appointment is soon.”

Dad: “Are you sick?”

Me: “Honestly? Most likely. It’s not like I ever went to the doctor as a kid.”

Dad: “You never needed to. You were always healthy.”

(As it turned out, not so much. I had a slow growing cancer that had already spread, and I’d probably had it for at least a few years. And I also had a bad hormone imbalance that messed up my reproductive system so badly I eventually needed a hysterectomy — which I wouldn’t have needed if I’d been put on medication years back. There was a whole slew of other problems, all of which could have been caught and mostly prevented if I’d gone to the doctor regularly. Take your kids to the doctor, people!)

Just Wants The Decking Answer

, , , | Right | July 1, 2017

(A customer approaches my counter empty handed and asks how to go about finding the weight of a piece of wood he is looking for. I know we don’t have a scale in the store. I figure maybe we can look it up online. I call the lumber manager and ask him. He asks the customer what piece of wood it is.)

Customer: “Decking.”

Manager: “Oh. Well, the Internet won’t give us a certain weight on that because of the moisture retention of each piece. It’s all different weights.”

Customer: *annoyed* “Well, I’ll just call my telephone. It always has the answers to my questions.”

Helping Is Its Own Reward – But Cake Doesn’t Hurt

, , | Hopeless | June 30, 2017

I am 62 years old. This happened when I was 5 and I remember it like it was yesterday.

My mom and I are in the checkout line at a grocery store. I had asked my mom earlier if I could have some snack cakes. She told me no as she only had so much money for the groceries.

This older, rather grumpy-looking man has an armful of snack cakes in his hands along with a walking cane. He has such a scowl on his face that I find him a bit scary.

He is juggling the snack cakes and his cane while trying to get his wallet out of his pocket. The inevitable happens and he drops the snack cakes and his cane. Thankfully, he does not fall, but he does wobble a bit. I am the closest to him so I am able to steady him until my mom can hand him his cane. While she sees to him, I pick up the snack cakes and hold them for him until he can get to the register.

As we were leaving, he thanked us for our help. With tears in his eyes, he told my mom that she was doing a fine job of “raising her (me) right” and, with her permission, he would love to give me one of the snack cakes. My mom looked at me with pride and said yes. I ate one of the snack cakes and gave the other to my sister. That was the best tasting snack cake I ever had. I have often thought of that old man many time over the years. Even now, it still brings a tear to my eyes.

You’re Being Hysterectical

, , , | Related | June 10, 2017

(Due to health reasons, I had to have a hysterectomy. This is something well-known in my family as it was devastating to me to know I could never carry children. One day I’m talking to my mother-in-law and the topic of adoption comes up.)

Mother-In-Law: “Well, don’t you still make eggs?”

Me: “Yes… But there’s nowhere for them to go… They’d have to do surgery to get them for, like, in-vitro or whatever.”

Mother-In-Law: “What?”

Me: *in disbelief* “Uh. I had a hysterectomy?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yeah but isn’t there like some of it left?”

Me: “No.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well… we’ll just see what God thinks of that.”

Me: “…”

(Yeah. My mother-in-law believes that a complete lack of baby-making parts is just a minor obstacle… WTF.)

You Can’t Teach An Old Grandma New Tricks

, , , | Friendly Related | June 6, 2017

(My friend has brought his Catahoula Leopard Dog to a pet friendly store in his hometown. A young girl approached him.)

Girl: “Can I please pet your dog?”

Friend: “Sure! He’s very friendly!”

Woman With Girl: “Don’t touch that dog! It’s a pit bull!”

(Catahoula Leopard Dogs come in a variety of colors. This one happens to be blue merle ‘leopard pattern.’)

Friend: “No, ma’am, he’s a Catahoula Leopard Dog.” *to Girl* “But your grandmother is right; you should never pet a dog you don’t know without asking first.”

Woman With Girl: “I’m her MOTHER!”

Friend: “Oh, I’m sorry; I guess we were both mistaken today.”

(The mom and kid walked away after that, the mom in an angry huff.)

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