There’s A Lot A Motto With This Family

, , , , , | Related | September 12, 2017

(My dad is going over missed vocabulary words with my nine-year-old brother. My sisters and I are sitting nearby, being oh-so-helpful.)

Dad: “What’s a sermon?”

Sister #1: “A really long boring thing Mom makes us listen to on Sundays.”

Brother: *gives definition*

Dad: “Okay, what’s a conspiracy?”

Sister #2: “Aliens built the pyramids.”

Sister #3: “No, it’s Bigfoot was the reason for earthquakes!”

Brother: *gives definition*

Dad: “What’s a motto?”

Me: “Nothing, what’s a motto with you?!”

Brother: *cracks up*

Sisters: *singing* “It means no worries, for the rest of your daaaaaays!”

Dad: “I really should have known better on that one.”

Me: “Hakuna.”

Sisters: “Matata.”

Me: “Hakuna.”

Sisters: “Matata.”

Brother: “Hakuuuu-uuuuuuna Matata.” *pause* “I don’t know what a motto is.”

Need To Address This State Of Undress

, , , , | Related | September 11, 2017

(My dad tends to walk into the bathroom without knocking, and then get mad at whoever he walked in on for not locking the door. He also just walks into our rooms randomly. My sisters and I, all in our teens, keep trying to get him to stop. One day, he walks into my room while I’m changing.)

Dad: “Hey—oh, for the love of God!” *backs into hallway* “You should have told me you were changing!”

Me: “Okay, that does it. The door was closed! You have four daughters. When a door is closed, KNOCK ON THE F***ING DOOR before you just walk in!”

Dad: “Don’t use that language with me.”

Me: “Then stop barging into rooms! Doors are closed for a reason!”

Dad: “I live here! This is my house! I can do whatever I want.”

(The next day my sisters and I are all wearing really short shorts and sports bras in the kitchen.)

Dad: “What are y’all wearing?! Put some clothes on!”

Sister #1: “We live here. It’s our house. We can do whatever we want.”

Me: “If you don’t want to see us wearing things like this, why do you never knock on the bathroom door? Or our bedroom doors?”

Sister #2: “So, we decided it doesn’t matter. If you’re going to barge in on us all the time and occasionally see us in random states of undress, then why shouldn’t we be in various states of undress all the time?”

Sister #3: “If you want us to wear what you think are decent clothes, you need to learn to knock on doors.”

Dad: “That’s—”

Me: “That’s how it is. Period.”

Dad: “I’m the parent. You listen to me.”

Sister #1: “If it bothers you seeing us dress like this, maybe you should KNOCK ON CLOSED DOORS to lessen the chances of seeing us like this, hmm?”

(He tried to ground us, but Mom overruled him and sided with us. He now knocks on any closed door.)

Something In The Weather

, , , | Right | September 6, 2017

(One of my many responsibilities is collecting shopping carts from the deposit spaces in the parking lot and returning them to their designated area. One snowy day, a pickup truck parks right next to the deposit space I’m occupying. A middle-aged man steps out of the truck and immediately proceeds to flirt with me. Note that despite my long hair and slender build, I am a very heterosexual male.)

Caller: “Now, what kind of jack-a** would make a pretty little lady like you work in this weather?”

Me: *in the deepest voice I can muster* “Guess again, buddy.”

(He stared  at me for a minute in complete silence, and then slowly got back into his truck, and drove off without another word. He never even entered the store.)

These Customers Are Better Than Those Ones

, , , , , | Right | August 22, 2017

Customer: “Excuse me, are you [Store] people?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. How can we help you?”

Customer: “Do you ever have store meetings with all the workers?”

Me: *thinking she’s going to ask us to promote something* “Yes, ma’am, we do.”

Customer: “Oh, good. The girl in the shoe department was showing someone some boots and she said ‘these ones’ and ‘those ones.’ Someone needs to tell her it’s ‘these’ and ‘those,’ not ‘these ones’ and ‘those ones.’” *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “I’ll… um… all right.”

(I have worked retail for years and am a grammar perfectionist myself. I have never considered telling another adult in the workplace to correct her grammar. My favorite part was that she didn’t want me to walk right over and talk to her; she wanted me to bring this up at a store meeting in front of everyone!)

The Internet Of Dumb Things

, , , , , | Right | August 15, 2017

(A coworker and I are working at the customer service desk when a female customer comes up. She tells my coworker she wants to buy an item that she saw online. My coworker gets the item number and processes the sale.)

Customer: *at end of transaction* “I guess I could have just come in here in the first place instead of spending time looking at this online. I spent so much time on the website. I just wanted to pay cash. I was looking for the place to pay cash for it.”

Coworker: “Online?”

Customer: “Yeah. On the website. I couldn’t find where to pay with cash.”

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