A Not-So-Bella Notte

, , , , , | Legal | May 3, 2021

We recently got a new German shepherd puppy named Bella. We live in a decent neighborhood, but there have been several instances of pets going missing. To avoid that, someone is always with Bella.

One day, my mother was alone with Bella in the front yard, and Mom went inside to use the restroom. When she came back, Bella was missing. Mom searched for hours and we joined her when we got back. Mom cried because she felt so guilty, and we were angry with her for leaving Bella alone. 

Then, we got a call from one of our nicer neighbors saying he’d seen Bella and she was with another neighbor whom we did not like and who did not like us. 

My dad and I went to confront the nasty neighbor, and we saw Bella right away in his house, barking her head off. My dad rang the doorbell and the nasty neighbor answered.

Neighbor: “What do you want?”

Dad: “Give us our dog back.”

Neighbor: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He kept playing stupid. My dad would have punched the dude, but I held him back and called the police. A police car came a few minutes later and we explained the issue. She went to go talk to the neighbor and then asked us to provide proof that Bella was our dog. We showed her the pictures and Bella’s rabies tag, and she ordered the neighbor to give us our dog back. She asked us if we wanted to press charges, and we said yes. Our neighbor was charged with stealing our puppy and lying to police for telling the officer that the dog was his. Now he glares at us every time we’re out, and we’re more careful about watching Bella.

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We Can Only Draw One Conclusion: SHE’S A WITCH!

, , , , , , | Learning | April 21, 2021

My two best friends and I are in sixth grade — age twelve — and have a mandatory art class. We are spending a week drawing houses. Our first assignment is to draw our own house.

[Friend #1] draws her house, but she forgets to draw one of her parents’ bedroom windows. That night, it storms very badly, and a tree falls in such a way that the window she forgot to draw is broken by a tree branch crashing through it.

The next day, we are supposed to draw a house that exists and that we wished we lived in. [Friend #1] draws [Friend #2]’s house, but she forgets to draw the garage. The previous night’s storm had affected the soil of the hill beside that house, and [Friend #2] comes home to find that a tree has fallen on the (empty!) garage. 

The next day, we are supposed to draw the house of a friend. 

Friend #1: “I guess I’ll draw your house, [My Name].”

Me: “Nope! Not allowed! No, thank you, please! I like my house perfectly intact and how it is, thank you very much!”

Friend #1: “But I already drew [Friend #2’s] house!”

Friend #2: “Yeah, and look what happened to it! And what happened to your house! If you forget to draw anything at [My Name’s] house, we won’t be able to go to her sleepover this weekend.”

Me: “Hey, weren’t you friends with [Former Classmate] before she moved?”

Friend #1: “Yeah, why?”

Me: “My mom’s coworker bought it, and Mom said they’re tearing it down so they can build their dream house! So if you mess it up with your weird drawing power, it won’t matter!”

Friend #1: “I don’t think I had anything to do with the garage or the windows, but fine, whatever.”

[Friend #1] draws [Former Classmate]’s house, forgetting to draw the sizable front deck. That house is on a very busy road, right across from a T-intersection. As my mom picks me up from school, she tells me we are taking a different way home than usual.

Mom: “Yeah, it’s a good thing [Former Classmate] moved! Someone crashed into her house and destroyed the deck.”

I call [Friend #1] when I get home and relay the information. 

Friend #1: “Okay, you know what? Fine. I thought you and [Friend #2] were just being weird about all this, but I guess I have to believe you. I’m drawing made-up houses the rest of the week.”

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Make Your Bloodwork Work For You

, , , , , , , | Healthy | April 15, 2021

I have a coworker who brags about never answering her phone if she doesn’t recognize the number. I’m not sure what the big deal is; if it’s a telemarketer just hang up. Also, she says she never listens to voicemails because if it’s important they’ll call back.

Recently, she went to her doctor on a Friday because she had been feeling terrible for a while. The doctor took bloodwork and she went home.

The doctor’s office then spent the rest of the weekend trying to call her and tell her to go to the emergency room based on her test results. However, she didn’t recognize the number so she didn’t answer it.

Finally, they were able to call her next of kin, and he called her to go to the ER.

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Heavy Accusations

, , , , , | Right | April 13, 2021

I’m working part-time as a cashier for some extra cash in my second and third trimester of pregnancy. I work nights and happen to be the self-check “cashier” on this night. We are supposed to watch customers and our computer to make sure things are being rung out correctly, all items are scanned, etc.

We have handheld devices to scan heavier stuff so the customers don’t have to lift them out of their carts, just as a courtesy.

[Customer #1] has a twenty-four-pack of bottled water on the bottom of the cart.

Me: “Ma’am, would you like me to scan your water for you so you don’t have to lift it?”

Customer #1: “Sure! Thank you!”

I scan it for her and go about my normal duties. [Customer #2] has walked up to a machine at the machine directly next to [Customer #1]. I say hello to [Customer #2] and walk back to my station and turn to watch the machines.

I notice that [Customer #2] has a bunch of packs of soda on the bottom of her cart.

Me: “Oh! Ma’am, I’m sorry, would you like me to scan those for you so you don’t have to lift them?”

Customer #2: *Curtly* “No. I already did it. Go ahead and check.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. I was just trying to help a little.”

I go back to my station and all is well, until…

[Customer #2] pays and starts to leave. I smile and tell her to have a nice night, and she shoves an extra basket with stuff she didn’t want at me.

Customer #2: “There. Now you can put all that back since you thought I was stealing.”

Me: “Excuse me? Ma’am…”

Customer #2:B****, you heard me! I wish that had hit your stomach, you racist b****!”

Me: *Trying to stay calm* “That wasn’t my intent. I was trying to help.”

Customer #2: “What the f*** ever. You were staring at us the whole time!” *Storms out*

My jaw drops and I start tearing up. [Customer #1] pops back up.

Customer #1: “Don’t worry, honey; you did nothing wrong. Here, take this cold water I got for the ride, and I’ll be calling management in the morning and explaining the whole thing. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything. I was too stunned and it happened too fast.”

Thank you, kind lady.

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Not That Kind Of Loyalty Card

, , , , | Right | March 29, 2021

I work at a high-end salon as a receptionist. I get a call from a customer who hasn’t been in since 2018, but he’s still in the system. All I need, since this is a very high-end salon, is a card number to add on file. This is policy to protect the stylists, and we make no exceptions.

Customer: “I’m not putting no d*** card on file! I’m a loyal customer! Look at my file; you’ll see thirty or forty visits! I never paid with a card! Always cash!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, sir. I can contact the owner for you, but I can’t reserve the spot.”

Customer: “Go ahead and do that! And no matter what, I will be there at 2:00 tomorrow!”

First, I looked at his profile. He had been here all of nine times over two years ago. I called the owner, and he said not to worry about it and that I’d handled it correctly. So, let’s wait and see if he shows up tomorrow!

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