Day Of The Tentacle

, , , , , | Right | April 22, 2019

(I work in a popular discount shoe store, and I am putting stock away when a customer walks in wearing a white tank-top, a thick gold chain, and a fake fur coat.)

Customer: “Hey. Do you guys sell men’s boots?”

Me: “Yup, they’re in the next aisle over.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Hey, what’s on your necklace?”

Me: “It’s an octopus and a clock face.” *spreads the charms out to show him*

Customer: “Cool! Hey, did you know that when octopuses mate, the male shoves its tentacle p***k into the female’s brain so they literally f*** each other’s brains out?”

Me: “I’ll remember that for trivia night, sir.”

(He then went to go look at boots as if nothing had happened at all.)

The Meter Is Running Out Of Patience

, , , | Right | April 11, 2019

(A customer comes in and begins talking to one of my less experienced colleagues about a pair of shoes she bought. Knowing I’m the one who would have to do any potential refund or exchange, I go over to find out what’s wrong and help.)

Me: “Hi there. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “I was in last night and bought these shoes, but I need the half size up.”

(The customer doesn’t have her receipt, but looking at the shoes I can see they haven’t been worn, and I know from colleagues that a shoe of that style and size was sold the previous night so I offer to exchange them as a goodwill gesture.)

Me: *after checking the stockroom* “I’m afraid I don’t have a pair in the size you’re after, but I can order them in and return this pair to cover the cost.”

Customer: “Okay, but hurry up; I have a taxi waiting outside and the meter’s running.”

(I think, “Why would you come in a taxi when things like this can take a while, especially if you have no receipt?”)

Me: “No problem. Let me take some details at the till and I’ll get this sorted as fast as I can.”

(I try to take the details I need such as name, a contact number to let her know when they’re in, and a postcode so we have her on the system if she ever wants to order to home in the future.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve got your name. Can I have a contact number, please?”

Customer: “I can’t remember it.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just use the shop’s number, but you’ll have to wait until Thursday to be sure they’re here before coming as it can take two to four working days and there’s a bank holiday this Monday. Can I have a postcode, please, for our system?”

Customer: “I don’t have one. I’ll come in on Wednesday and they’d better be here.”

(I am starting to get irritated as I am going as fast as I can with her giving me nothing, even using my own postcode in lieu of hers to speed things up. All the while, she continues to tell me to hurry because the taxi’s waiting.)

Customer: “Can I order the whole size up, too, in case the half size doesn’t fit?”

Me: “Of course, but since the exchange will only cover the price of the first pair, you will have to pay the extra for the second.”

Customer: “That’s a disgrace! I shouldn’t have to pay more! I’ll just get the first ones and change them if they don’t fit.”

Me: *through gritted teeth, as I’m really starting to lose patience as she’s making this take ten times longer and she’s still complaining about my speed and the waiting taxi* “Okay, those have been ordered, and I’ve returned these to cover the cost, so you just need to pick them up.”

Customer: “Do I have to pay extra when they get here?!”

Me: “No, as I explained, the cost has been covered by the returned pair.”

Customer: “Good. It takes ages for me to walk here.” *leaves*

(By this point my colleague and her customer have come over to the till and have been watching for the past few minutes.)

Colleague: “You okay? I’m amazed you didn’t snap. Didn’t she say she had gotten a taxi here? Why is she complaining about walking?”

Me: *shrugs while taking deep breaths to calm down*

Customer #2: “You did very well. I would have screamed at her.”

Should Have Captured Her Reaction On Your Phone

, , , , , | Working | March 6, 2019

(I’ve ordered a pair of shoes to be delivered to the store and have brought up the invoice email on my phone, ready to give them the order code.)

Cashier: *scowling* “I’m not serving you if you are on your phone.”

Me: “I’m not on my phone; I have it open to—“

Cashier: *interrupting* “You young people are so rude — no manners. I’m not serving you until you put the phone away.”

Me: *smiles politely and puts my phone in my pocket*

Cashier: “Now, how can I help you?”

Me: “I’m here to pick up an online order.”

Cashier: “Well, I need to see the order number?”

Me: “Let me just get that for you.” *reaches for my phone in my pocket*

(Her face fell as she realised that that was my intention at the start of the conversation.)

Slow To Realize

, , , , | Right | March 6, 2019

(I have mild arthritis in my left leg, so I walk slowly. I am bringing out some shoe boxes for a customer, and the rows are quite narrow, so a different customer is stuck walking behind me.)

Customer: *under his breath* “Man, can you walk any slower?”

Me: “Actually, I can! I have arthritis, buddy. It is painful for me to even walk!”

(The customer looks admonished and turns bright red.)

Me: “Don’t judge people by their cover!”

(The customer apologized. He ended up buying around $200 worth of shoes and told the cashier I helped him so I would get a commission.)

Men Have Been Looking For That Department Forever!

, , , , , | Right | January 15, 2019

(I am at work at a shoe store when a customer walks in. She has a very thick accent.)

Customer: “Do you have clits?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Clits! Clits, you know, for soccer!”

Me: “OH, CLEATS! No, I’m sorry, we don’t sell those.”

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