Criminally Decaffeinated

, , , , , , | Legal | November 1, 2018

Me: “911 Emergency Services. Do you need police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “I need you to tell me why there are a bunch of police cars blocking the driveway to [Gas Station]; I need my coffee!”

Me: “Ma’am, there was a robbery and murder in [Gas Station] overnight. The police are still investigating what happened. I am afraid [Gas Station] is closed for business for the time being.”

Caller: “I need my coffee!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am. There is nothing that can be done at the moment. Now, if there isn’t anything else, I have other calls waiting. Have a nice day.”

(The caller hangs up. Thirty seconds later, my partner’s phone rings:)

Partner: “Ma’am, as my partner already explained to you, someone robbed [Gas Station], and then shot a customer and killed the clerk, so the store won’t be open until tomorrow at the earliest.”

(The caller says something else.)

Partner: “No, ma’am, a police officer is not going to brew a pot of coffee and bring you out a cup, even if you pay for it.”

(The caller says something:)

Partner: “Because, ma’am, that isn’t their job, and they are not just sitting around doing nothing; they all have various task and cannot leave their vehicles or posts simply to get you a coffee. Now, if there is nothing else, I am going to disconnect this call, as I have another call coming in at this very moment.” *click*

(Ten seconds later:)

Me: “911—”

Caller: “I need my f****** coffee, and I need it now!”

Me: “I understand that, ma’am, you have called us three times in less than five minutes to tell us this. We all need our coffee first thing in the morning, and can be grumpy without it, but as my partner and I have both explained to you, [Gas Station] is closed, so you will have to go elsewhere. There is a [Coffee Chain] just five minutes down the road.”

Caller: “What?! I’m not paying $7 for that swill when I can get my coffee here for 99 cents! Now if only your officers would move and let me in!”

Me: “Ma’am, you are tying up an emergency line with a non-emergency call, and as I said, this is your third call regarding this. It needs to stop, as this line is for life and death emergencies only. Now, if you don’t have an actual emergency, I have to disconnect this call, as I have other calls coming in that require my attention. Do not call back unless you have an actual emergency; doing so could result in a Abuse Of 911 System charge, and you could be arrested!”

Caller: “How dare you threa—”

Me: *click*

(Not but five minutes later:)

Me: “911 emergency. Do y—”

Caller: *screeching* “Listen to me! I have to be at work in fifteen minutes! Tell your officers to move their cars so I can come in and get my coffee! It will only take me five minutes, and then they can go back to doing whatever they’re doing.”

Me: “Ma’am, I warned you that if you called back, you would get in trouble for tying up the emergency line with a non-emergency issue. I am going to dispatch an officer to come over and talk to you.”

Caller: “You can’t do s*** to me! You work for me; I pay your salary. And if those piggies won’t get out of the way for me to get my own coffee, then tell them to bring it out to me!”

(Just then I hear someone approach the caller; it’s one of our officers on scene:)

Police Officer: “Excuse me, ma’am, but why all the screaming? Are you hurt? Are you family? Is there something I can do to help you?”

Caller:Finally! I have been talking to your worthless 911 operator for the last ten minutes. I am glad he finally doing his job.”

Police Officer: “What do you mean, ma’am? I’m confused.”

Caller: “I told your operator that since you guys won’t let me go inside to get my own coffee, he should have an officer come out to take my order and get the coffee for me!”

Police Officer: “Okay, I’m confused. Did you just say you called 911 to tell the dispatcher to tell the homicide detective and crime scene investigators to vacate the building so you can get your coffee?”

Caller: “Yes! Now move your cars so I can pull in!”

Police Officer: “No, ma’am. First, calm down; there is no reason for you to be yelling, and second, there is a gas station about five minutes down the road where I am sure they’ll be glad to serve you a cup of coffee that isn’t contaminated with blood.”

Caller: *screeching at the top of her lungs* “No! And don’t tell me what to do; you’re not my boss! I am not going to f****** [Coffee Chain] and paying $7 for a cup of coffee when I can get it here for 99 cents! Now, move your f****** cars and people so I can go inside and get my coffee and leave. I am already running late for work, and every minute you have me waiting, the later I am going to be. You will have to explain to my boss that you were the reason why I was late!”

Police Officer: “Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, ma’am, but you’re going to be even later if you don’t get into your car and leave, as you are keeping me and other officers from being able to conduct our jobs. Unless you get back into your vehicle and drive off, I will have no choice but to arrest you for disorderly conduct.”

Caller: “You can’t do s*** to me; I have done nothing wrong! Now, I demand to be let in, or I will be calling my friend, the mayor—”

Police Officer: “Ma’am, you’re under arrest.”

Caller: *shuffling in the background as the phone drops* “Hey! Heeeey! What are you doing?! Get your hands off of me now, or I am going to sue you and get you fired!”

Police Officer: “Ma’am, you are now under arrest for disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace and assault on a law enforcement officer for elbowing me in the stomach as I attempted to handcuff you.”

(After her initial arrest, a charge of abuse of the 911 system was added because she called 91 four times in less than five minutes, preventing us from answering two life and death calls that had to be rerouted to another dispatch center a few miles away.)

The Barking Mad Policeman Is Worse Than The Bite

, , , , , , | Legal | October 31, 2018

(I am attacked by a dog when I am cycling home from work. A huge mastiff jumps, and his claw slices into my arm, so I’m losing a lot of blood and I will need stitches. I need to get to hospital immediately. It is rush hour, and my car is only twenty metres away. I decide to drive myself, instead of calling an ambulance. Just outside the hospital, I see blue lights behind me. I pull over, get out of the car, and start speaking immediately.)

Me: “I’ve been mauled by a dog. I’m going to Accident & Emergency.”

Officer: “Why are you driving in the bus lane?”

Me: “Seriously? I need to get seen immediately. That’s more important than driving a bus lane. Really, now is not the time.”

Officer: “When did this happen? Where? Was anyone with you?”

Me: “Ten minutes ago on [Street], by myself. Why? Are you investigating the dog?”

Officer: “You should have called an ambulance. You shouldn’t be driving like that.”

(I’m livid at this point. The cop can see a huge wound on my arm, but he is arguing about this right literally in front of the hospital. I have had enough. Technically, he could ticket me for this, but I take my chances.)

Me: “What exactly did you observe about my driving that makes you think I can’t drive with an injured arm?”

Officer: “Nothing in particular. You can’t concentrate properly with—”

Me: “So, you have no evidence that my driving is impaired. Look at my arm. I will need stitches. Would I get stitches in an ambulance?”

Officer: “No, you—”

Me: “Exactly; an ambulance would be no better than a taxi. Also, it’s rush hour. A tiny car like this–” *points at my Smart car* “–gets me through the traffic. Now, I have more urgent matters to attend to in the hospital over there.” *points 300 yards away* “If you have any more questions, ask me during triage.”

Officer: “You can go now. This time only, you can use the bus lane for turning into the hospital.”

Me: “You don’t need to tell me.”

(In the hospital, I am given six stitches immediately. Then, the following happens:)

Me: “The cop tried to tell me I should have waited on an ambulance. You’re the medic. Would it have made any difference if I got an ambulance?”

Nurse: “Not in the slightest.”

Me: “And was I in a fit state to drive?”

Nurse: “Perfectly. Keep it dry, and the stitches out in two weeks.”

Me: “Thank you, sir.”

(Police later told me they don’t investigate dog attacks at all, even though I was hospitalised and I have the name and address. Where do these people get their priorities from?)

Halloween Roundup

Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | October 31, 2018

It’s time to carve that Jack-o-Lantern, put on your costume, and collect the candy! Or will you spend the night watching scary movies?  Having a costume party?

To celebrate Halloween, here are some of our favorite tales of ghosts and witches, monsters and creatures, the spooky and scary and weird, and things that reach out from under the bed to tickle your funny bone. These stories are sure to give you a frighteningly good laugh!

 

This Story Will Haunt You Forever — Claims of bravery may be exaggerated.

Thrill You More Than Any Ghost Would Dare To Try — A classic song for a spooky evening.

Ice Screaming Monsters — Which will give you more indigestion, the food or the monsters?

Scare Me? Not A Ghost Of A Chance! — Everyone wants their own ghost, right?

They Usually Go For Black Cats — The fuzziest kind of witchcraft.

Pray They Weren’t Watching Christine — Poor kid got honking scared!

More Daylight, Less Twilight, Part 7 — Every old school horror fan just screamed in terror.

The Son Of Mondegreen — The monsters are where?!

Halloween Has-Been — Surprise!

The Customer Is Always Fright(ened) — Must have been too fussy for that poor ghost.

The Ghost Of Theories Past — But they say it’s haunted!

Trumps All Other Scary Stories — The horror story of our times.

 

Happy Halloween, everyone!  Post pictures of your costumes!

 

To Protect And To Serve Misogyny

, , , , , , | Legal | October 30, 2018

(My old and very tricky car is hot wired and stolen, but only makes it halfway down the road before it breaks down. The thief takes my car seat covers and runs. I have to file a police report for insurance.)

Me: “Hey! Someone tried to steal my car. We found it, but I need to file a report.”

Police Officer: *laughs* “Aw, sweetheart. Are you sure it was stolen?”

Me: “Pretty sure, yeah.”

Police Officer: “Sure you didn’t just park it and forget where you left it? Girls sometimes forget things.”

Me: “Well, considering I tend to not rip all of the wiring out of my dashboard when I park it, I’m pretty sure.”

Police Officer: “Oh. Right. That makes sense.”

Driving You Over The Edge

, , , , | Legal | October 29, 2018

I’m in my car heading home from work during rush hour. Things go fine, until someone cuts me off. I slam my brakes and push the horn. I see the driver giving me the finger. Angry, I flip one back. That turns out to be a mistake.

The other driver tries to stay in front of me. If I change lanes, he changes lanes. He often brakes suddenly, forcing me to brake, as well. I am upset, but try to remain calm and avoid an accident.

The other driver then tries to push me off the road! Panicking, I do everything to stay on the road. I take an exit earlier, hoping to get rid of him. The driver takes the same exit.

While we are driving, I suddenly see the driver turn around on his seat! He makes a slicing motion across his neck, and then uses both hands to make a gun shape, making a shooting motion. Because I am baffled and panicking, I don’t think about calling the police; I just want to get out of there.

I take another exit and the driver follows me. I know there’s a traffic light coming up and I know the pattern. I slow down. The driver rushes to the light, ends up in front of me, and opens the door, getting out.

Because I know the pattern, I know when it will hit green. I keep on rolling down the hill and when the light hits green, I hit the gas and take an empty lane. I pass the driver and manage to lose him in traffic.

When I get home, I call the non-emergency line for the police. They take my story. I remembered the make and license plate; it turns out the car was uninsured, but they can’t follow up on that without a reason. I am invited at the police station. There, I am told that because I didn’t call right away, there’s no proof of this road rage. I can press charges, but in the end it will be his word against mine. Instead, I let them take note of it. If someone else makes a complaint of this person, they will have two notes, and that will make it easier to press charges for that other person.

That same night, I buy a dash-cam.

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