Got This Parenting Thing Licked

, , , , , | Right | November 11, 2019

(My coworker tells me this story almost immediately after it happened to her. A young boy comes up to her, silently sticking out his hand for her to shake. Bemused, she lets him take her hand and shake it. He stares wordlessly at her for several seconds while doing so, and then runs his tongue up her arm. His mother comes running up, mortified and apologizing.)

Mother: “I’m so sorry; he just saw The Boxtrolls in the theater.”

(My coworker hadn’t seen the movie, so after I got over my bout of shocked laughter, I confirmed that yes, the boy had been imitating the main character a little TOO closely.)

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Born Angry

, , , , | Friendly | September 19, 2019

(My husband and I are out shopping with our toddler during our first day on vacation, stocking up on essentials for the week. We’re standing in the yogurt aisle, trying to decide whether to get a quart of yogurt or a couple of individual sizes for our son. Finally, we settle on a quart, pick it up, and go to move on to the next aisle when we notice a man standing next to us, glaring.)

Angry Man: *as we move past him* “FINALLY!”

Husband & Me: *exchanging confused looks* “Oh, sorry?”

Angry Man: *muttering under his breath but plenty loud enough to hear* “F****** oblivious. I’ve been waiting here for five f****** minutes waiting for you to move. F****** ridiculous…”

Me: *snorting in disbelief*

Husband: *murmuring to me* “He could have said something…”

Angry Man: *shoves past my husband, banging his cart and shoulder* “Move your a**!”

Husband & Me: *left in disbelief that this just happened*

(But the story doesn’t end there! Later that day, my husband was driving up to a stop sign on a side street. He had to pull up over the crosswalk to see whether it was clear to turn onto the main road. When a man came walking up with his dog, my husband reversed to allow him to cross. The man started making rude gestures and angry faces toward our car and the crosswalk, clearly trying to articulate, “How dare you be on the crosswalk, I’m trying to walk here, what is wrong with you,” etc. As he got closer, I recognized his face. I kid you not, IT WAS THE SAME ANGRY MAN. There’s no way he recognized us behind our tinted windows. He was just that rude to everyone!)

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Just Another American Tourist In America

, , , , | Right | July 18, 2019

(In Hawai’i, you pronounce the words syllable by syllable, and apostrophes are consonants — they are called okina, or glottal stops. Most Ws are the V sound. For example, Hawai’i is pronounced “Ha-vy-ee,” but Waikiki is pronounced “Why-kee-kee.” I am ten, and I’ve just arrived, so I don’t know any of this. The taxi driver is taking us on the Like Like Highway.)

Me: “The Like Like Highway? So, you can only drive on here if you like-like someone?”

Driver: *laughs* “This is the Lee-keh Lee-keh Highway. But every tourist says that!”

(I’m so sorry.)

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Disabled People Have To Stall Their Need To Pee

, , , , , | Friendly | May 19, 2019

I’m at a center that celebrates Polynesian culture. Everything is awesome until I have to use the restroom. It’s a busy day and all eight stalls are full with a line out the door. It should be noted that I’m in a wheelchair and there is only one disabled stall.

Things are going pretty quickly and I’m almost at the front; only one person is ahead of me. The disabled stall opens up. The person in front takes it.

I sit there for five minutes, saying, while getting progressively louder, “You can go ahead of me. I can only use the disabled stall.” At least a dozen people skip me until finally — finally! — that lady emerges. She won’t look at me and just walks out of the bathroom without washing her hands.

It isn’t that I wanted to jump to the front of the line, but when you have seven other stalls and I only have one, can’t you please just take the next one?

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Unfiltered Story #149681

, , , | Unfiltered | May 11, 2019

(We get these calls from U.S. Citizens, on the regular)

Me: Good morning [Government office], this is [Name], how can I help you?

Caller: Yeah, uh.. I’m going to be traveling there in the next few months, I was wondering if you could help me..?

(Because we get MANY of these calls, I already know the questions, but I still play along)

Me: Well hopefully I have the answers to your questions, what do you need help with?

Caller:  I live in [U.S. state] and I was wonderin’ if I need my passport to get into Hawaii.

Me: Well, you DO need a passport of some sort of identification to get through TSA but to get INTO Hawaii, you won’t.

Caller: But… I mean, don’t you check passports to get into Hawaii?

Me:  Even though we’re out in the middle of the ocean, Hawaii is part of the United States…. you don’t need a passport.

Caller: ….Are you sure?

Me: I’m pretty positive.  We ARE the U.S.

Caller: …Oh… ok… well, what about my [significant other]?

Me: Are they a U.S. citizen?

Caller: No they came up from [any foreign country] and cleared in from [U.S. airport], will they need their passport to get into Hawaii?

Me:  They’ve already been checked and cleared at another U.S. port, again… Hawaii is still the U.S., they don’t need a passport, they are already here, right?

Caller: Well, no… we’re in [U.S. state], we’re not in Hawaii yet…

(At this point, I repeat Hawaii is part of the U.S., tell them to have a good day and hang up)