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Willkommen To The Melting Pot

, , , , | Friendly | November 14, 2022

I was at a scenic overlook in Hawaii with my family and noticed a group of foreign tourists attempting to take a selfie, but there were so many of them that they had trouble fitting everyone in the frame. I walked over and mimed taking a picture with a questioning look on my face, indicating that I was willing to take the picture for them. They agreed in a flurry of what I was pretty sure was German. I know a very, very little bit — so tiny it barely counts. I framed the shot and used my incredibly limited German to let them know I was ready to take the picture.

Me: “Eins, zwei, drei!”

(One, two, three!)

I took a few pictures and handed the smartphone back. The group thanked me.

Tourists: “Danke!”

This was followed by lots of rapid German.

Me: “Uh… um, no sprechen.”

They responded in confused German.

I began counting off on my fingers.

Me: “Eins, zwei, drei, vier, funf, danke shoen, bitte, ja, nein… sprechen… kaese spaetzle…”

(One, two, three, four, five, thank you, please, yes, no… speak… a type of German noodle dish.)

They all laughed at my incredibly tenuous grasp of their language. Then, they took pictures of my group in exchange, and we all went our merry ways.

Her Insides Will Be Nicely Moist

, , , , , , | Right | September 23, 2022

I am shopping at a popular members-only warehouse store that is known for giving samples of food items. It’s 2021, so they have recently stopped this service for sanitation reasons.

On this trip, I am very surprised to see a booth up and running. I go over, only to find out that it is for a rejuvenating hand lotion. I decide to try it since the staff member seems happy that someone has walked up, and I am delighted with the fact that the lotion smells like gummy bears, so I decide to listen to the sales pitch.

Partway through, another member comes up and picks up a cup.

Member: “What is this?”

Employee: “It’s hand lotion; it moisturizes your skin. I was just going over it with this young man. The product uses an all-natur—”

The member then licks all of the lotion out of the cup and swallows it!

Me: “Ah!”

Employee: “Weh!”

Member: “Hmmm, yeah, I, uh… I wasn’t supposed to do that, was I?”

Employee: “I’m going to go ahead and call 911.”

Member: “Appreciate it.”

A Trenta-Sized Pain In The Butt

, , , , , , | Right | September 8, 2022

I was picking my coworker up for CPR and AED training in my hometown. I arrived early with the express purpose of being able to sit down at [Fast Food Place] and eat a full breakfast and relax before picking him up. It turned out that the local [Fast Food Place] hadn’t updated their hours (a constant problem for the location) and was closed.

I briefly wondered why so many people were at [Coffee Chain], especially since the design of their drive-thru clogs the parking lot and can end up gridlocking itself due to some form of brain damage the company had when designing it. After a quick drive around the small town, I, too, ended up at the coffee shop; all the other restaurants, which hosted twenty-four-hour locations in most places, were also closed.

When I got back to [Coffee Chain], I discovered that the drive-thru issue had only gotten far worse, so I parked at a nearby drug store, walked across to [Coffee Chain], and tried the door. To my delight, the location was actually allowing indoor seating at 5:00 am. I bought tea and some very overpriced breakfast items and sat down.

One episode of “Peaky Blinders” later, a woman burst into the location, screaming so loudly I could hear her through my headphones.

Customer: “WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?!”

I craned my neck to look. She had a small specialty drink with fruits and such floating around in it.

The manager wasted no time gliding into place with a smile that read, “It’s too early for this.”

Manager: “Ma’am?”

The customer threw the drink on the counter. Somehow, it landed on its side but popped back up onto the base, throwing the lid off but not spilling a drop.

Customer: “I SAID, ‘WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?!’”

Manager: “This is a Grande—”

Customer: “Bulls***! F*** you! I did not wait for a half-hour and pay five f****** dollars for something this small!”

The manager gestured to the cup sizes on the register.

Manager: “I would be happy to remake the drink in a larger size and charge you the difference, ma’am.”

Customer: *No longer yelling* “I want the size I paid for.”

Manager: “This is the size you paid for; Grande is our sixteen-ounce serving size.”

Customer: “For five f****** dollars I want one of those!” *Points at my tea* “What the f*** is that?!”

The manager and I made eye contact, and I could hear her apologizing through her eyes.

Manager: “That is a Trenta — a thirty-ounce drink.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah? And how much is that?”

Manager: “That’s going to be in the ballpark of $7 for a spe—”

Customer: “BULLS***!”

Manager: “Well, I would be happy to refund you.”

Customer: “D*** right!”

She slapped her receipt on the counter.

The manager got the money from the register and issued the refund. The woman grabbed the cash and then very clearly tried to grab the drink, but the manager swiped it off the counter and dunked it into the sink.

The customer sputtered, pointing at the sink.

Manager: “I refunded you. You don’t get to keep the drink.”

Customer: “But—”

Manager: “Maybe if you had decided to approach the situation a little better instead of coming in here with the intention of yelling at my staff, but as it stands, I have nothing for you. Have a good rest of your day, ma’am.”

The manager turned and left. I made the mistake of laughing out loud at the conclusion of this spectacle. The woman at the counter whipped her head around and glared at me before storming out.

I laughed more.

This Isn’t The Key To Getting A Refund

, , , , , , , , | Right | September 8, 2022

I witness this exchange in the key-cutting section of a department store. 

Customer: “I need you to recut these. They don’t work!”

Associate: “Sir, you very clearly didn’t buy these here. I can cut you new ones, but I will have to charge you for them.”

Customer: “H*** no! You guys cut them wrong! I’m not paying.”

Associate: “Sir, with all due respect, these are clearly not even machine cut. These marks here—” *points at something* “—indicate that they were probably hand-filed.”

Customer: “I—”

Associate: “In addition to that, we don’t even carry this key blank in brass coloring, only silver.” 

Customer: “But—”

Associate: “I haven’t even heard of this key manufacturer before.”

The associate puts the keys on the counter. 

Customer: *Slapping the counter* “Sir! Are you calling me a liar?!”

The associate looks at the keys and then back at the man a couple of times.

Associate: “Uhh… yes.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.” 

The customer slides the keys off the counter and slowly leaves the area dejectedly, without another word. 

[Associate #2] emerges from the sports section.

Associate #2: “What the h*** was that?”

Associate: “I’m not sure.”

Someone’s Having A Long Day, Huh?

, , , , , , | Working | July 1, 2022

One of our employees managed to lock his car keys in his car and his keycard in his office. He came up to the window and was checking out a temporary badge. I had been in the building cafeteria and came back just in time to hear this exchange.

Employee: “Thank you so much. Once I get my keycard, I can get out of here.”

Coworker: *Looking confused* “Sir?”

Employee: “Yes?”

Coworker: “Forgive me for asking this, but… how is getting your building keycard from your office going to get your car keys out of your car?”

There was a very long pause.

Employee: “F***!”

Both my coworker and I jumped.

Employee: “F****** MOTHERF*****! F***! F****** F***!”

He proceeded to leave the lobby.

Coworker: “Was that my fault?”

Me: “No.”

It took four hours for roadside assistance to send a man to pop the door locks on [Employee]’s car. When he arrived, he found out that the back passenger door was unlocked.