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There’s Such A Thing As Caring Too Much

, , , , , , , , | Friendly | January 31, 2023

In July 2016, my friend and I were visiting another friend’s house to drop off a birthday present and arrange a birthday celebration dinner for later in the evening.

We just so happened to have a dog with us, a Bichon Frisé by the name of Rocky and, unfortunately, we had to park on the street because there were no visitor stalls.

Upon realizing we didn’t have a leash in the car, I volunteered to stay in the car with the dog so my friend could safely leave the ignition on to run the air conditioning. While he went off and did the tasks we arrived for, I dozed off, only to be awoken by a woman rapping against my window as hard as she could muster with her ring hand.

I wound down the window.

Me: “Can I help you?”

Woman: “You can’t leave a dog in a car like this! How dare you?! I have half a mind to call the police!”

Me: “What? Ma’am, I am in the car with him and the air conditioning is running. Do you not hear the engine?”


Me: “The air conditioner is on, ma’am. And I am in the vehicle; the animal isn’t unattended.”


Me: “It really does, actually.”

Woman: “What is your name? Where do you live?!”

Me: “Who the h*** are you to be asking me questions like that?”


Me: “Yeah, and I don’t care.”

I started to wind the window up but she put her hand on it so I released the switch. (I didn’t know if a 2009 Nissan could remove fingers.) 

Woman: “I asked you who you are! I am going to report you for animal cruelty!”

She proceeded to slam her hand on the roof of the car. 

At this point, I opened the door and got out of the car. At six feet even and about 270 pounds, I was far above her size in every measurable sense.

Me: “I suggest you jog on because if anyone is going to call the police, it’s going to be me, and I can guarantee you their response will not be in your favor.”

She stared up at me for a moment before hustling away. 

About twenty minutes later, my friend came back with apologies for taking so long. 

Friend: “Sorry, did I miss anything?”

Me: “Nah.”

That Kind Of Prank Never Ends Well

, , , , , , , , , , , | Working | January 23, 2023

At my very first job, we used to have a girl who did bank runs, taking the cash from any cash transactions that we had over to the local bank in a deposit bag, where she would sometimes use what is known as a Night Drop.

One day, [Coworker] went out to do the deposit. Then, she was supposed to come back to help me close the store for the day. This left me to clean, because the walk to the bank was a bit of a distance — our town was very safe, so she had no worries about doing this on foot — and it normally took her a while to get to and from the location.

About twenty-five minutes later, [Coworker] called me and apologized, telling me that she would be late coming back because she had to call EMS to the bank. When she came back, I asked her what had happened, and the story unfolded as such.

[Coworker] arrived at the bank, but there was already someone using the Night Drop, so she waited. While she was standing there, a very good friend of hers saw her at the branch, parked his car, and got in line behind her without her noticing.

Once the other person left, [Coworker]’s friend put a hand on her shoulder and said, “Give me all the money!” You know… as a joke…

Well, [Coworker] whipped around and belted her friend in the face with the deposit bag. Now, this is a vinyl sack with some bills in it, so it didn’t do any damage but it did scare him, which caused him to jump back. As he jumped back, his foot rolled, and he fell down and knocked himself unconscious on a handrail.

[Coworker] had to call EMS, and the police also arrived to take statements and get an idea of what had happened. They agreed that [Coworker]’s friend was an idiot.

In order to prevent him from having to pay impound fees and such, [Coworker] asked the police if she could take his car. I’m not sure what conversation she had with them, but it ended in a “yes”, and she was able to drive back to our shop and then pick her friend up at the hospital the next afternoon when he was released from observation.

The best part was that I got like an hour of overtime because I couldn’t leave the shop unsecured since I wasn’t a keyholder.

Exploration Games!

, , , , , | Right | January 11, 2023

My old job was at an abandoned naval munitions storage facility turned industrial storage facility in the Lower Valley on Oahu. The property had been built and activated sometime in the 30s and abandoned in the 90s, so there were always things to find whether onsite or through information requests to the library of congress.

The coolest thing came to us through the hands of a tenant though: two entire bunkers of arcade machines, prizes, and karaoke equipment.

Keeping in mind that each bunker is roughly four thousand square feet and they were packed, wall to wall and floor to ceiling.

While I can’t discuss how or why this became something that I, as the head of security, became involved in, it took us the better part of two years to empty the bunkers and sort through everything.

We found everything from wooden arcades from the 1940’s to DDR, as well as a massive circular imported Super Mario game that was sectional, and, when fully assembled was about seven feet tall and five feet wide. Throughout the process, we would bring a generator, power up arcades, and play for a little while at a time.

Eventually, everything got sold, but it was a fun time, one of my favorite eras of the valley!

A Trenta-Sized Pain In The Butt

, , , , , , | Right | September 8, 2022

I was picking my coworker up for CPR and AED training in my hometown. I arrived early with the express purpose of being able to sit down at [Fast Food Place] and eat a full breakfast and relax before picking him up. It turned out that the local [Fast Food Place] hadn’t updated their hours (a constant problem for the location) and was closed.

I briefly wondered why so many people were at [Coffee Chain], especially since the design of their drive-thru clogs the parking lot and can end up gridlocking itself due to some form of brain damage the company had when designing it. After a quick drive around the small town, I, too, ended up at the coffee shop; all the other restaurants, which hosted twenty-four-hour locations in most places, were also closed.

When I got back to [Coffee Chain], I discovered that the drive-thru issue had only gotten far worse, so I parked at a nearby drug store, walked across to [Coffee Chain], and tried the door. To my delight, the location was actually allowing indoor seating at 5:00 am. I bought tea and some very overpriced breakfast items and sat down.

One episode of “Peaky Blinders” later, a woman burst into the location, screaming so loudly I could hear her through my headphones.

Customer: “WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?!”

I craned my neck to look. She had a small specialty drink with fruits and such floating around in it.

The manager wasted no time gliding into place with a smile that read, “It’s too early for this.”

Manager: “Ma’am?”

The customer threw the drink on the counter. Somehow, it landed on its side but popped back up onto the base, throwing the lid off but not spilling a drop.

Customer: “I SAID, ‘WHAT THE F*** IS THIS?!’”

Manager: “This is a Grande—”

Customer: “Bulls***! F*** you! I did not wait for a half-hour and pay five f****** dollars for something this small!”

The manager gestured to the cup sizes on the register.

Manager: “I would be happy to remake the drink in a larger size and charge you the difference, ma’am.”

Customer: *No longer yelling* “I want the size I paid for.”

Manager: “This is the size you paid for; Grande is our sixteen-ounce serving size.”

Customer: “For five f****** dollars I want one of those!” *Points at my tea* “What the f*** is that?!”

The manager and I made eye contact, and I could hear her apologizing through her eyes.

Manager: “That is a Trenta — a thirty-ounce drink.”

Customer: “Oh, yeah? And how much is that?”

Manager: “That’s going to be in the ballpark of $7 for a spe—”

Customer: “BULLS***!”

Manager: “Well, I would be happy to refund you.”

Customer: “D*** right!”

She slapped her receipt on the counter.

The manager got the money from the register and issued the refund. The woman grabbed the cash and then very clearly tried to grab the drink, but the manager swiped it off the counter and dunked it into the sink.

The customer sputtered, pointing at the sink.

Manager: “I refunded you. You don’t get to keep the drink.”

Customer: “But—”

Manager: “Maybe if you had decided to approach the situation a little better instead of coming in here with the intention of yelling at my staff, but as it stands, I have nothing for you. Have a good rest of your day, ma’am.”

The manager turned and left. I made the mistake of laughing out loud at the conclusion of this spectacle. The woman at the counter whipped her head around and glared at me before storming out.

I laughed more.

This Isn’t The Key To Getting A Refund

, , , , , , , , | Right | September 8, 2022

I witness this exchange in the key-cutting section of a department store. 

Customer: “I need you to recut these. They don’t work!”

Associate: “Sir, you very clearly didn’t buy these here. I can cut you new ones, but I will have to charge you for them.”

Customer: “H*** no! You guys cut them wrong! I’m not paying.”

Associate: “Sir, with all due respect, these are clearly not even machine cut. These marks here—” *points at something* “—indicate that they were probably hand-filed.”

Customer: “I—”

Associate: “In addition to that, we don’t even carry this key blank in brass coloring, only silver.” 

Customer: “But—”

Associate: “I haven’t even heard of this key manufacturer before.”

The associate puts the keys on the counter. 

Customer: *Slapping the counter* “Sir! Are you calling me a liar?!”

The associate looks at the keys and then back at the man a couple of times.

Associate: “Uhh… yes.”

Customer: “Oh… okay.” 

The customer slides the keys off the counter and slowly leaves the area dejectedly, without another word. 

[Associate #2] emerges from the sports section.

Associate #2: “What the h*** was that?”

Associate: “I’m not sure.”