Some Days You Just Can’t Win

, , , | Legal | June 28, 2019

My wallet got stolen when I was working in another city, and I went to the cop shop — only to discover that in the province of Ontario, you cannot report stolen ID without showing ID!

The only thing not with me at the time was my passport, so I asked the boyfriend to go to my place to scan my passport and email it.

He got to my apartment… only to realize he’d left his keys at his place.

I asked him to break in, but the only reachable window was through the AC — which he’d stupidly installed so it could just be pushed in — in the living room, which was facing the street!

I begged the cop to vouch to the Toronto police that my boyfriend did have permission, in case he got arrested for breaking in. Then, I put the phone on speaker and stayed with him through the sound of my home being broken into.

The cop just laughed the entire time.

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Can’t Put My Finger On Why This Is Weird

, , , | Legal | June 20, 2019

(I’m in my senior year of college, preparing to start the student teaching portion of my degree along with many of my classmates. One of the requirements to begin student teaching is to be fingerprinted for a background check. To ensure this gets done by the deadline, my professor decides to use a portion of class time to walk us down to the police station to be fingerprinted. There are a couple of officers working through 20 or so of us — an older officer and a guy probably not much older than we are. When it gets to me, I’m assigned to the younger officer. He rolls my index finger in ink then rolls it onto the paper. The officer examines the print thoughtfully.)

Officer: “You know, you have really pretty fingerprints.”

Me: “Uh, thank you?”

(He went on to awkwardly explain that they’re well-defined and it means I shouldn’t go out committing any crimes, but it remains the strangest compliment I’ve ever received!)

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Working In A Toxic Environment

, , , , , | Legal | June 7, 2019

(I work in a very rural county where there are only one high school and two stop lights, and the main highway that leads to a city across the Virginia state line runs through the middle of town and past the sheriff department. It’s one of those ‘everyone knows everyone’ kind of Southern towns. It is an early Sunday morning; a state trooper is finishing up a report at our desk from an earlier accident while I am processing a public intox just brought in by a deputy.)

Dispatch: “Communications to any unit in [Town]?”

Deputy: “Go ahead, Communications.”

Dispatch: “[Deputy], EMS [Truck #2] advises they are behind a wrong-way driver heading into town.”

(The driver is all over the roadway and has nearly run off the road multiple times. It’s a possible DWI. The deputy and trooper practically run towards the door. While our county may be rural, the highway is frequented by big rigs and the occasional wayward livestock this late at night.)

Deputy: “Communications, I’ll be in route with [Trooper].”

Dispatch: “10-4, EMS has lights and sirens on, but the driver is not slowing down.”

(The two run out the door just as my coworker comes into the office.)

Coworker: “Oh, boy, DWI?”

Me: “Yup, going the wrong way down the highway.”

(Not even a half-hour later the two return, along with the patrol sergeant, and in between them they are escorting an intoxicated woman.)

Woman: “I swear I’m not drunk!”

Patrol Sergeant: “Ma’am, you just drove nearly five miles the wrong way, flew through a red light, and almost ran over one of my deputies!”

Woman: “Oh, he’s okay. Besides, I only had one shot.”

Trooper: “Ma’am, you blew twice the legal limit.”

Woman: “Okay, so it was more than one shot of gin.”

Coworker: “Oooh, she’s in so much trouble!”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Coworker: “Her mama is a minister at the church down the street. She’s gonna get it.”

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Passed The Baton To More Civilized Times

, , , , | Related | April 13, 2019

Many years after the fact, my husband related to me and his parents a story of his first and only encounter with law enforcement.

When he was fourteen, he did one of those stupid things under peer pressure that was considered a badge of honor back then: driving a motorbike without a license, or indeed without being the appropriate age to get one. Of course, he was stopped and taken to the police station. As a minor, his parents were to be called, but there was an unofficial, alternative punishment: a couple of whacks across the buttock of the child in question. Different times, back then. It was not legal, of course, but deemed appropriate.

Given the choice, my husband without hesitation chose the alternative. The friendly police sergeant opened a drawer and gave him a choice of the tool. There was a colorful collection of batons of various materials, from wooden, to rubber, to plastic. My husband chose the least impressive, small one. The policeman said okay, grabbed the stick… and expanded it to working length. Yes, it was the first model of telescopic baton in use, and according to my husband, it stung.

Still, my husband maintains, that it was much better than what his father would have done to him, had he known about his ride without a license.

“You bet I would,” said my father-in-law, when my husband finished. “In fact, I still should!” and jokingly undid his belt.

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Teenage Dream Turns Into A Nightmare

, , , , , , | Legal | April 3, 2019

(I’m working third shift in the control room at a police department, and it’s currently one in the morning. I have my main screen fixed on my sergeant, who is outside in the dimly-lit parking lot taking a smoke break. The parking lot is completely empty except for the cars belonging to the jail staff. She’s about to come back in when two teenage girls walk across the parking lot and ask her something. The sergeant shakes her head but leads them towards the main lobby door. They take a seat as the sergeant radios me.)

Sergeant: “[My Name], call Communications and have them dispatch [Patrol Sergeant] here. Those juveniles he’s been searching for have shown up.”

(I see the girls look at each other uneasily on the camera as the sergeant takes a seat between them and the door.)

Me: “Roger that.”

(I make the call, and not a minute later I see two patrol cars come flying into the parking lot. One officer jumps out of his car before it’s even parked. I turn on a speaker in the lobby just in time to hear:)

Patrol Sergeant:Where have you two been? And who have you been with?”

(The girls pretend to ignore him before the other deputy gets in their face.)

Deputy: “HE ASKED WHERE THE H*** HAVE YOU TWO BEEN? DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED YOUR PARENTS ARE? WHAT THE H*** WERE YOU THINKING?”

(Two more cars come flying into the parking lot, and an older couple, a young man, and a middle-aged woman come storming into the lobby. The sergeant takes that as her cue and comes back into the jail, shaking her head.)

Sergeant: “Stupid idiots. What the h*** were they thinking?”

Me: “Is everything okay, Sergeant?”

Sergeant: “Those two were the fifteen-year-olds that the deputies have been looking for all night. They decided to skip school but realized they missed their ride back afterward.”

Me: “But the high school dismisses at three pm! What were they doing? Just wandering around for the last ten hours?”

Sergeant: “I don’t know. What’s it looking like out there?”

(I look at the camera just in time to see the mother of [Girl #1] throw a book bag across the lobby while the other woman and the father are shouting and waving around a cell phone. The young man is turning red, and he yells at the girls before walking back outside. Meanwhile, the deputies are standing back shaking their heads.)

Me: “I think there is more to the story, Sergeant. The families look pissed off right now.”

(The next morning we got the full story from the deputies. The girls had skipped school to spend the day fooling around with their secret twenty-some-year-old boyfriends in the next county over. The plan had been for them to get back in time to catch the bus so no would know they were gone. Unfortunately, [Girl #1]’s mother had gone to pick her up early, and when they found out she had never shown up to school, they asked about [Girl #2], who is their neighbor. That’s when they realized that BOTH of them had not shown up for school at all and were reported missing. The young man was [Girl #2] brother, who had driven up from South Carolina to help their mom look for her, during his finals week, no less. The girls did end up missing their buses back, but it was because their boyfriends got them back late. Instead of owning up to it, they tried to find someone who could give them a ride and eventually gave up. After wandering around for hours, they saw the sergeant smoking in the parking lot and decided it was time to ask for help. When the parents arrived, everyone was already stressed out and pissed off. That’s when [Girl #1]’s mother — who is very conservative — saw hickeys on her daughter, and she lost it, throwing her book bag across the lobby. The dad was screaming because [Girl #2]’s mom had unlocked her daughter’s phone and found explicit photos of them with their boyfriends. The brother, realizing he missed an important final because of his sister’s booty call, snapped and walked out before he hit her. Last I heard, the boyfriends had been criminally charged and one of the girls had been sent to a private school.)

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