Was Your Brain Confiscated, Too?

, , , | Legal | August 5, 2020

I answer the phone at the investigation department at the police station.

Caller: “Hi. I’m with [Law Firm], and the son of one of our clients had his car confiscated.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me the vehicle’s plate number?”

Caller: “I don’t have that.”

Me: “What is the son’s ID number?”

Caller: “I don’t have that, either.”

Me: “What’s his name?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Do you have your client’s ID number?”

Caller: *Pause* “Let me call you back.”

He never did.

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Better A Ticket Than A Toe-Tag

, , , , | Legal | July 26, 2020

My mum is a very nice lady, but you don’t want to cross her or hurt her kids. That doesn’t mean we get away with everything; on the contrary. Her “mum sense” is very sensitive; she often knows of our wrongdoings almost before they happen. We are usually very honest in confessing, as lying often leads to a more severe punishment than the transgression itself.

One day my brother, about fifteen and fairly shy and quickly intimidated, returns home from school and tells my parents that he got a ticket going to school this morning for crossing while the light was red. He swears that the light changed when he was already on the crossing with his bike. The officer, however, bullied him into acknowledging he crossed the road during the red light and gave him a ticket.

My mum studies the ticket and ushers my brother into the car, and my parents and brother drive to the police department.

Mum: “Where do I need to pay?”

Police Officer: “Excuse me?”

Mum: “Where do I need to pay? Apparently, my son crossed [Busiest Crossroads in town] during rush hour and all he has to show for is a ticket. I’m happy to pay the ticket and not the undertaker, so where do I need to pay?”

My mum makes enough noise to attract the attention of the commissioner and he overhears the last part.

Commissioner: “Can I see the ticket, please?”

He mumbles under his breath, “[Officer] again,” before speaking to my mum.

Commissioner: “I agree, it would be sheerly impossible to cross the road there at that hour without getting hurt. You don’t need to worry about the ticket; we will take care of it.”

It later turned out that the officer issuing the ticket had a track record of very readily ticketing teenagers for real or imagined facts. I don’t know what happened to the officer, but we never heard anything about the ticket again.

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Unfiltered Story #198722

, , | Unfiltered | June 27, 2020

(I’m waiting in line for an appointment to make a witness statement. A woman and her adult son are in front of me and abusing the poor policeman while the son is rummaging in his backpack)

Woman: I said, I want to see the warrant!
Officer: Ma’am, I’ve already told you, the officer presented it to you when he called by.
Woman: HE DID NOT –
Son: Ma –
Woman: Shut up, [name]. Listen, you f***ing pig, I work from 7am to 7pm, I took a day off to sort this s*** out and you’re lying right to my face! My house was a mess and he just barged in like a [derogatory term for people who live in mobile homes]!
Son: Ma, I –
Officer: Ma’am, I’m sorry, [other officer] isn’t in a position to see you right now –
Woman: NOT IN A POSITION?! *begins ranting again*
Son: Ma! Will you listen –
Woman: I said, shut up! Go away!
Officer: Would you like to speak to the sergeant?
Woman: D*** right I would!

(Officer disappears behind a door, leaving the woman to mutter to herself. Her son, looking incredibly frustrated, finally loses it. He shoves a piece of paper at his mother and waits for her to read it. She pales, clutching the paper.)

Woman: Why the f*** did you not tell me you found it?!
Son: I tried!

(The woman crumples the warrant and throws it in the trash can, storming out, while her son trails behind, looking embarrassed. At that moment the officer comes out with the sergeant to see me and no one else in the station.)

Me: Hi! Sorry that you had to deal with that, but at least she didn’t litter!

Teenage Drug Dealers Can’t Afford To Be Touchy

, , , , , | Legal | April 26, 2020

I’m a police officer in a small town with a lot of wealthy individuals. I have just finished breaking up a drug deal and have arrested a fifteen-year-old dealer with eight grams of cocaine and we’re waiting for his father to show up.

Kid: “Man, you better let me go. My dad’s a lawyer and there’s no way you have a case.”

Officer: “Listen, kid, just wait for your dad to show up before you say something stupid. Now, turn around if you want those cuffs off.”

The officer goes to uncuff the kid who suddenly violently breaks off.

Kid: “What the f***?! Get your hands off my balls!”

Me: “He didn’t even touch you yet.”

Kid: “Oh, yeah? Well, who’s the judge gonna believe? You two idiots or my dad?” 

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’ll believe that camera.”

I point to one at the end of the hall pointed at him.

Me: “Or that one.”

I point to one literally just above him.

Kid: “Well, f*** you! You’re nothing but a bunch of podunk pigs!”

It took another thirty minutes for his father to show up, the little drug dealer screaming and cursing the whole while. Luckily, his dad didn’t see it as such a clear-cut case of innocence and took a plea deal forcing his son into a house arrest with rehab and weekly drug tests, as well as freezing access to his trust fund. He also apologized to the department and said if his son ever ended up here again, he would cut him out of the family will.

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Unfiltered Story #180378

, , | Unfiltered | December 30, 2019

(I was in the police station to get documents certified. There was a young lady there for the same reason but she wasn’t sure what she needed.)
Me: (walking forward requesting a certification and giving original documents with the copies)
Girl: oh I need what she is getting I need you to sign it!
Officer: OK that’s fine do you have the originals?
Girl: why do I need that. They are mine?!?
(They were still on that vein when I left)