(Here in Minnesota we have strict liquor laws concerning selling anything other than 3.2 beer after 10:00 pm. If anyone sells alcohol past that time, both the cashier and the business get a very hefty fine. Imagine my grim surprise when, two minutes after closing, the door opens and a woman rushes in.)

Customer: “I know you’re closed, but I just got off the phone with the woman in charge. She said I could buy alcohol as long as it’s five minutes after.”

Me: “You talked to my boss?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(Thankfully, since my boss is cool, and I work in a small town liquor store, I’m allowed to be rude to fools.)

Me: *laughs* “You heard wrong.”

Customer: “She totally told me that. Where is she?”

Me: “She’s been gone for six hours; it’s just me here. But what is it you wanted?”

Customer: “I told her I was just going to get a pint of [Cognac].”

Me: *laughs even harder* “Ma’am, we’ve been out of [Cognac] for weeks. Well, I do have 1.75L of it left, but if you really need it that bad, it’ll cost $20,046.”

Customer: “What?! Why is it so expensive?!”

Me: “Because of all the fines we’ll receive for selling after ten o’clock, plus a little extra for me so I can find myself a new job after I sell it to you.”

Customer: *getting defensive* “Well, you don’t have to get hostile. I’ll call her back and get you fired, anyway!”

Me: *shrugs* “I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

(She angrily left, and I called my boss. Obviously, she never got a phone call from someone about coming in late. After a bit of speculation and calling around, we discovered that there was a new girl working two miles down the road at a separate liquor store, who answered the call. I saved her a massive fine.)

(A patient is getting ready for discharge and needs prescriptions. A bunch of us call and make sure we can find the cheapest prices in town. This is not an easy task, as there are quite a lot of them. While at the nurses’ station, I hear this exchange:)

Nurse: “Ma’am, this is your discharge paperwork. Here are the prescriptions your doctor talked to you about. We found them cheapest at [Pharmacy] for you; it should only run you about $50. Do you have any questions?”

Patient: “I can’t afford no $50.”

(Everyone looks dumbfounded, because her extremely expensive alcoholism is what brought her in in the first place.)

Nurse: “Well, that’s the cheapest they come, and if you don’t take them, you may end up back in the hospital.”

Patient: “That don’t matter; the government will pay for that.”

Nurse: “Still, it’s not good for your health.”

Patient: *now yelling at all the nurses present* “Y’all can’t all just pitch in and give me the $50?”

(She stayed at the nurses station for an hour until one of the nurses nearly wrote her a check out of annoyance. That poor woman. Eventually, security had to be called.)

(I drive the shuttle-bus in between the terminals at the DFW airport.)

Me: *to the passenger standing at the stop* “Good day, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “Did you say terminal C?”

Me: “No, sir. I am going to terminal B and D.”

Passenger: “So, you are not going to terminal C.”

Me: “No, but if you wait a few minutes, there will be another shuttle that will bring you there.”

Passenger: “Okay, so, where do you go?”

Me: “B and D, B and D. I am going to B and D.”

Passenger: “And not to C, right?”

Me: *trying to stay calm* “Nope, sorry.”

Passenger: “But you will go to C eventually, or not?”

Me: “You are one stop away from terminal C. If you come with me, it will take almost half an hour before we get there. The bus you need will be here in a couple of minutes.”

Passenger: *thinking* “Oh, okay, thanks. So, you are sure you are not going to C after this stop?”

(I closed the door and rapidly drove away.)

(My former boss is an incredibly high-strung jerk without any kind of time management or people skills. I receive these shrieking voicemails on my personal cell phone one day when she’s on vacation. The first voicemail:)

Boss: “I have been trying to reach you and [Colleague #1] and [Colleague #2] at the office for an hour this morning. How dare you slack off like this?! We have deadlines! Just because I’m away does not mean you get to waltz into work whenever you feel like it! There are important cases that need to be done by the time I get back! If someone doesn’t call me back in the next ten minutes, you are all fired; do you understand me?! Your a** is out on the street, and I will make sure no one hires you! I will have you and [Colleague #1] disciplined by the [Licensing Authority]! YOU WILL NEVER WORK AGAIN!“

(Her screams toward the end escalate in volume and shrillness to the point where I can’t keep the phone against my ear. Then, I listen to the second voicemail.)

Boss: “Um, someone here pointed out that it is Saturday. Please ignore the last voicemail. But I expect you to call me as soon as you get in on Monday! We have important deadlines to make, and I’m extending my vacation, so I need you and [Colleagues #1 and #2] to be on the ball!”

(And she wondered why she couldn’t keep even incompetent employees, and why she didn’t have a better reputation in the field.)

(I am checking out at a grocery store the morning of a big football game.)

Cashier: “You’re not wearing your [Team] gear!”

Me: “Well, I’d have to own some. And care.”

Cashier: *shock*