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Maw-Maw Has A Magnetic Personality

, , , , , , , | Related | January 6, 2022

Unfortunately, both my father and his brother have fallen into the hardcore conspiracy theory side of the current health crisis. Meanwhile, both of my grandparents on that side got vaccinated as soon as it was available to them in March, and they are still incredibly upset at both of their sons for their decisions.

While they do allow my father to visit them, they force him to follow the recommended guidelines and don’t let him inside. My uncle, on the other hand, lives out of state, and eventually my Maw-Maw breaks “as he is still [her] son!” and they decide to visit him in July. This is part of the conversation I have with her over the phone after she comes back.

Maw-Maw: “The moment we got there, I swear [Uncle] was trying to piss me off! He spouted some bulls*** about the vaccines making people ‘magnetic’ and then he tried to stick a magnet on me. Thing is, that couillon (fool) pushed it on me so hard that, of course, it stuck! And it hurt, too! So, I grabbed it and pushed it right back into his arm so it stuck and made sure he knew exactly how stupid he was.”

She didn’t tell me much more about how their visit went, but I took this to mean that it didn’t go very well. Gotta love Cajun grandparents, though.

Living In A Tent Made Of Red Flags

, , , , , , | Working | December 8, 2021

I take a tour of an apartment complex, and everything looks above-board to me. Several staff are in the office, and the tour itself is very professional. [Manager] tells me the rate for a one-bedroom, and I say I’ll need to think about it. I tour a few other complexes. Two days later, I give the first complex a call in the morning.

Me: “I’d like to come in and sign a lease. Would that be possible today?”

Staff Member: “Oh, yes! You can come in at any time.”

Me: “Great! And it’s $575 for a one-bedroom, right?”

Staff Member: “Oh, it’s actually $605 for a one-bedroom.”

This is the first red flag. I decide to go in, anyway. When I get there, it’s mid-afternoon, and [Staff Member] is the only one in the office. She is running between phones and trying to help tenants who come in with issues while I’m there. I end up being there for about half an hour, during which time no other staff makes an appearance.

She gives me a blank application to fill out, and I ask about the price hike. She has to hunt around for a price list and explains that the rate increases with each day that passes, which is the first time I’ve heard this. She also mentions that the rate is now $625. While she helps a tenant, I look over the application. It is generic, with no details about the specific unit I’d be renting.

Staff Member: “If you just sign that at the bottom, I’ll make sure my manager gets that and gives you a call.”

Me: “I’d prefer not to sign a blank form. The monthly rate isn’t even on here yet.”

Staff Member: “Oh, it’ll be $625. It should be fine.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d still prefer for that to be written on the form before I sign it.” *Stands up* “I’m going to have to get some info from my co-signer, too, before I finish this.”

I did not go back.

One Incorrect Pizza With A Side Of Sting

, , , , , | Working | November 9, 2021

My mother recently noticed that a new, locally-owned pizza place has popped up nearby in a direction we don’t travel very often. After some sleuthing, we discover that the place has been open for about a year, so we decide to set aside some time one Friday evening to check it out.

Things start out pretty normal at first: we’re seated and given our drinks and our orders are put in. Between the three of us, we order two appetizers and two 14″ pizzas; however, a solid fifteen minutes after ordering, our waitress reappears.

Waitress: “I’m so sorry, but we’ve run out of [signature topping for the pizza my mother ordered]. Would you like to order something else?”

My mother ends up ordering one of their vegetarian pizzas and opts to add two more veggies to it. And then we wait, and wait, and wait some more. Finally, after nearly forty minutes, our waitress comes back with some food and starts to set it on our table.

Waitress: “Here’s your meatball pizza and—”

Dad: “Uh, neither of those are ours. We haven’t even gotten our appetizers yet.”

Waitress: *Obviously confused* “Oh… I’m so sorry. I’ll be back.”

We watch her walk back to the kitchen with the food, presumably to recheck which table to bring it to. She then proceeds to bring it to a table on the complete opposite end of the restaurant. Whatever, mistakes happen.

We then wait nearly twenty more minutes with no sign of our appetizers or our waitress, so my dad finally gets fed up and goes to find out whether our order was even put in, to begin with.

Dad: “They said the appetizers are going to be out in a minute. I’m honestly almost ready to just walk out at this point.”

After more than an hour, we finally get our appetizers! But then my dad pokes into one of the appetizers and says:

Dad: “This isn’t eggplant.”

Mom: *Trying it* “Definitely not. I think it’s beef?”

We manage to flag down our waitress and explain it to her as she apologizes profusely.

Waitress: “I’m so sorry! [Dish we ordered] and [dish we got] both look almost the same unless you actually dig into them! They’re identical recipes except that one is made with eggplant and the other with meatballs.”

Dad: “It’s fine; we’ll still eat it. We just wanted to let you know that it wasn’t what we ordered.”

After our waitress has left:

Mom: “I think you’re being too nice about this.”

Dad: “It’s fine. It’s still good.”

Thankfully, our pizzas come out not much later, but the issues don’t stop. My pizza comes out fine, but for some reason, my mom’s vegetarian pizza has pepperoni on it. While she isn’t actually vegetarian, my mom definitely isn’t a fan of pepperoni so she is understandably very annoyed at this point.

Before we can decide what to do, our waitress appears holding a THIRD 14″ pizza.

Waitress: “Good news! The kitchen was apparently able to make you [the pizza my mother initially ordered], after all! Would you like me to box it for y’all?”

Dad cuts in before my mother can speak and points to the incorrect pizza.

Dad: “I’m going to be honest here: I’m very confused. But can you box that one, instead?”

Waitress: “Sure thing! And I’m sorry, sir, we’ve just hired on a bunch of new kitchen staff and they’re mostly all being trained this evening, so things are a bit hectic back there.”

Dad: *Sighing* “That’s all right. We just want to eat.”

However, it seems like the universe is deadset on giving us the middle finger this evening: upon opening one of our boxes to put away our leftovers, I notice there’s a MASSIVE WASP just chilling in it. Thankfully, none of us are particularly jumpy around bugs.

Me: *Pointing* “Uh, Dad? There’s a wasp.”

Of course, he immediately shuts the box and puts it on an empty table behind us just as our waitress comes back with our bill.

Me: “Excuse me. We got a, um, ‘friend’ in one of our boxes.”

Dad: *Gesturing to the box* “Yeah, don’t open that. There’s a wasp in it.”

Our waitress’s eyes go about as big as saucers and she gingerly picks up the wasp box.

Waitress: “Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! I’m going to throw this out in the dumpster immediately and bring you another one!”

Thankfully, that box is completely bug-free. By this point, we just can’t help but laugh at the overall absurdity of the evening.

Dad: *Studying our bill* “Well, we got that one appetizer and the third pizza for free, at least. We’ll just call it even and never, ever come back here again.”

Such a shame because the food itself was actually incredibly good, barring my mother’s incorrect pizza! The ridiculous wait and overall service were absolutely not worth it, though.

A Scammer Gets Spammed

, , , , , | Legal | October 10, 2021

Back when everything first went into lockdown here in the States, my parents’ and my shared Netflix account got hacked. We caught it pretty quickly because not only were all of our profiles deleted but the entire account had been switched to Spanish.

For some reason, however, while both of my parents were kicked off the account and couldn’t get back in, I was not. I managed to not only navigate to the settings page to turn it back to English, but I also managed to copy the new email address that had been put onto the account. 

While my parents got in touch with customer service to get the account back, I hatched a plan. I used their email to sign them up for every political, government, and military-based newsletter I was able to track down over the course of about an hour. 

Was this incredibly petty? Absolutely. Is it possible that it was just a throwaway email? Absolutely. But it was so cathartic and it made my incredibly stressed-out mother laugh when I told her, so I’ll consider it a win.


This story is part of our Best Of October 2021 roundup!

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The “RC” Stands For “Really Cool”

, , , , , , , | Working | September 28, 2021

Many years ago, when I am still in my single digits, I get a small RC helicopter for Christmas from Santa Claus. Unbeknownst to me, my dad bought it mostly for himself; he just slapped my name on it to avoid my mom’s disapproval.

On his first day back to work after his Christmas vacation time, he brings the mini copter with him. My dad works in an office with cubicles so there’s plenty of open air for him to mess with, and he and his coworkers are having a blast with the thing, when, suddenly…

Boss: “WHOSE TOY IS THAT?”

Dad: “Uh, mine?”

My dad has been sitting down the entire time so he didn’t notice when his boss walked in, and [Boss] couldn’t see who had the remote.

Boss: “[DAD], IS THAT YOU?”

Dad: “Yes, sir!”

Boss: “CAN I PLAY WITH IT? PLEASE?”

Needless to say, not much work got done that day! And my dad’s boss kindly asked him to never bring the copter in again.