Not Getting Any Lumber Support

, , , , | Right | December 14, 2017

(I work in the garden department of the store. I also have the new portable phones that every department has.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, do you have 16″ by 16″ pads?”

(I hate this question about concrete pads; they are for housing peers and trailer homes. When we get transferred a call from customer service they have to use their best judgement on which department to send it to, which is not outside garden.)

Me: “No, sir, that is in lumber.”

Customer: “I know you have them. You also have the landscape timbers, so the concrete pads are with them. How long have you been working here?”

Me: “A month.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s why you don’t know; get me someone who does know.”

(By this point, I am a little annoyed because I’ve had this question quite often in the month I have been here; the answer is always lumber. To make him happy, though, I ask two of my coworkers; they say concrete pads are in lumber. He still insists that they are in our department, but I tell him to hold while I get a price on them. The store recently got new phones, so I can’t transfer; I walk all the way down to lumber, and then I tell him the price.)

Customer: “Oh, so, they were down there the whole time.”

Me: *face palm*

Not “Easy” To Insult Someone With No “Soul”

, , , , | Right | December 12, 2017

(There are a two teen girls who like to give me a hard time at work because I refuse to sell them cigarettes.)

Teen #1: *smiling sweetly* “Hi! Can I get a pack of [Brand] lights?”

Me: “Do you have an ID?”

Teen #2: *scoffs* “You’re the only one who IDs us!”

Me: “Well, I’m the only one who’s doing her job properly, then.”

Teen #1: *smirking* “Do you have a soul? I heard gingers have no soul.”

Me: *without skipping a beat* “Are you easy as 1-2-3? Because I’ve heard blondes are easy.”

([Teen #2] started laughing like a maniac while [Teen #1] stomped out of the store. Neither of them have tried buying cigarettes from me or insulting me again.)

Mouth Wide Shut

, , , | Healthy | December 11, 2017

(For some reason, all of my baby teeth didn’t come out on their own, so at 13 I had to have all four of my canines removed. The dentist removes the ones on the left side without issue and I go back a few weeks later to have the ones on the right removed. The bottom one comes out easily enough but when the dentist tries to pull out the top one, he winds up roughly yanking my head forward.)

Me: *yelps but keeps mouth open* “Ow! That hurt!”

Dentist: *grasps my tooth again and tries to wiggle it* “Hmm, looks like it’s still got the root. That’s weird.”

Me: “Does it need cutting out?”

Dentist: “Nah, it just means you have to open your mouth wider.”

Me: *frowning* “It doesn’t get wider than that.”

Dentist: “Sure, you can.”

(He then proceeds to put one hand in my mouth and tries to force my mouth open wider than is physically possible. My jaw makes a loud, clicking sort of pop as he does and I shout in pain then, without thinking, I bite down on his hand. HARD. He screams and he and his assistant pry my mouth open. I’m given another shot of Novocaine and he finally RIPS my tooth out. He gives me the tooth as a souvenir and his assistant packs the holes in my mouth then sends me on my way. I can’t get out to my mom out fast enough and refuse to let her schedule a follow-up or the cleaning I’m due.)

Mom: *as we’re getting in the car* “What was that screaming? Was that you?”

Me: “Nope, I bit the dentist. And I bit him good, too.”

Mom: *shocked* “Oh, my god, [My Name]! Why?!”

(I relate what happened and she stares at me with her mouth hanging open.)

Mom: *muttering as we drive off* “We are NOT coming back here. Ever. And I’m telling everyone I know to never come here.”

(About a year later the dentist closed his practice.)

Building A Fake House Of Cards

, , , | Friendly | December 5, 2017

(We’re playing card games at a friend’s house. I’m ready to attempt a victory when he plays a card that completely ruins my hand.)

Me: *fake angry* “I was ready to win!”

Friend: “I know! That’s why I played that card. And I looked REALLY HANDSOME while I did it. When you tell this story, can I be on a horse?”

(And then he rode off into the sunset, gorgeous locks flowing luxuriously in the wind.)

Unfiltered Story #101094

, | Unfiltered | December 2, 2017

It’s approaching the end of my senior year. I’ve been cleaning out my room at home, and I gather up some things I don’t need anymore and take them to my high school.

Teacher: Oh, this is nice. *He picks up a kitchen tool I bought on impulse once at a garage sale* You don’t need this? It’s in great condition.

Me: I thought I’d use it, but I haven’t, and I don’t really plan to use it anytime soon. It’s just been taking up space. I figured someone else could use it, so that’s why I brought it here. Did you want it?

Teacher: This can be really useful. You should hang onto it.

Me: Maybe. But not for me. I don’t have any use for it. You can have it, if you want it.

Teacher: You should really hold onto it. It could come in handy. I’m just going to leave this here, so you can keep it.

He walks off, but a few feet later, he looks back with a smile and frowns when he sees my exasperated look.

I took that item, along with a few other things, to a business in the United States that takes donations for charity. Thirteen years later, I haven’t missed it or needed it.

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