(I am hosting at the end of the night on a Saturday, about thirty minutes before we close, when this customer walks in. He looks a little worse for wear and very confused.)

Me: “Evening, sir, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh… can I use the restroom?”

(Normally, our policy is to only allow paying customers to use the restrooms, but since it’s late and he doesn’t appear to mean any harm, I allow it. He returns a few minutes later.)

Customer: “You might be able to help me with this. I’m on a trip.”

Me: “That’s great, sir. How can I help?”

Customer: “Which way is Florida?”

Me: *confused pause* “Florida?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m a little lost. Which way is it?”

Me: “Well, if you get on the interstate heading east, I suppose you’ll get there eventually.”

Customer: “Go west?”

Me: “East.”

Customer: “Ah, thanks.” *mutters* “Must’ve been going the wrong way…”

(The customer left. A few of my coworkers came over to see if I was okay after he left, because I had dropped down under the host stand to hide how I was crying with laughter. We’re located in Louisiana. How far in the wrong direction did he go?)

(This happens the afternoon after my school’s annual career day. It’s important to note that I am very much NOT straight and my parents are fully aware of this.)

Me: *talking to my dad* “Oh, yeah, we had career day today.”

Dad: *only half paying attention* “Huh? Queer day?”

Me: “No, career day, Dad. You should know that every day is queer day for me.”

I’ve had regular ear/sinus infections since I was a toddler, but with one exception when I was around ten or eleven they’ve never actually bothered me. As I get examined for one in my late twenties, I begin telling the doctor about a visit to my pediatrician when I was two.

Me: “–so he keeps asking my mom if I’ve been doing ANYTHING odd or seemed even SLIGHTLY upset, and she keeps saying no, so finally she asks why, and he looks at her and says: This baby has the worst ear infection I’ve ever seen!”
Doctor: “…you have the worst ear infection I’ve ever seen…”

(I work in a well-known lube shop. We also do state inspections. If at any time a customer’s wait is too long, we offer a discount when they pay and offer a future discount, as well. It’s getting close to closing time so I am counting the till to go home. As I am in the office, a vehicle pulls up:)

Customer: “I want a state inspection.”

(My coworkers start the inspection because even though it’s four minutes to close, we do them up until closing time. All is going well, but then I have a tech walk in.)

Tech: “The customer is telling us to give him an inspection while his windshield is cracked more than is allowed. He said the manager told him ‘we got you when you come in.’”

(As I am one of the managers, I go out to try and talk to the guest about going against state rules and regulations. Keep in mind that we are able to give a rejection sticker that makes the car legal for thirty days. As soon as I get out there, I recognize the guest as one that waited too long a few weeks ago.)

Customer: *irritated* “My windshield will cost too much; just put the sticker on because you owe me.”

(I inform him of state regulations and even measure the crack to show him it’s beyond the allowed length.)

Customer: “But you owe me!”

Me: “While, yes, I do owe you a discount, I cannot break state law, risk losing my driver’s license, risk losing my location’s ability to perform state inspections, and risk accruing a $5000 fine.”

Customer: *very mad* “I will never be back! Get ready, because corporate is going to have you and your crew fired over this!”

(My boss and my boss’s boss laughed when I told them about this, and my coworker had to go out to get the signs off the curb when they were pulling out. They had a camera and flipped off my employee while trying to get a reaction. He just waved and said, “Have a wonderful evening.” Just because a company owes you, it doesn’t mean you can ask them to break the law. I just hope he didn’t get a ticket on the way home. I would love to have been a fly on the wall if he did as he complained to the cop.)

We have the extra stock of all our graphic t-shirts for men and women on a shelf in the back of the store. The shelves are not labeled so only employees know what sizes are where. Above the shelf are all the designs in display boxes showing the color and print. The full size run of these shirts are hanging on the clothing racks in the men’s and women’s section respectively.
I see a customer is looking at the display boxes.
Me: Hello! Let me know if you’d like to see a particular size in the t-shirts. (makes arm gesture towards the display boxes) Those are our extras (making arm gesture towards the shelf) so I can grab your size off the rack for you. (making arm gesture toward front of store)
Customer: (Ignoring me and pulling a shirt out of the middle of the stack, causing them to all fall unfolded to the floor) Hey, this is a ladies shirt! And there isn’t any large here! Dang, I wanted a shirt! (starts to sadly walk away)
Me: (crying inside) What size did you need, sir?