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The Tech Knows Which Cable Channel You Want Restored

, , , , , , | Right | October 8, 2020

I am waiting on hold for technical support for a cable TV/Internet outage. While I’m on hold, my girlfriend and I start talking about horror movies.

Girlfriend: “Who does the killer actually kill in all of these movies?”

Me: “Usually promiscuous teenage girls and—” *phone picks up* “—horny teenage boys.”

Tech: *Nervously* “Thank you for calling tech support; how may I help you?”

My eyes go wide as soon as I realize what happened, and then I just break out laughing.

Me: “These are the things we talk about when the cable’s out.”

Reflect On Rejection Of Rectory Reflections

, , , , , | Learning | April 20, 2020

I go to a private Catholic high school; however, there aren’t really any non-religious private schools in the area so a decent amount of the students, myself included, are just there for the education and couldn’t care less about the religious aspects of the school.

Every year during Lent, my school sends out daily Lenten reflections through our email. During my senior year, these emails come up in conversation in one of my classes.

Teacher: “Oh! Did y’all read the Lenten reflection yesterday? I thought it was so good.”

Friend: *Laughing* “No, I just delete those as soon as I see them in my inbox.”

Almost all of my classmates nod their heads in agreement with my friend. The teacher genuinely looks bewildered.

Teacher: “Wha— What? Why not?! They’re always so sweet.”

Half The Class: “I’m not religious.”

Glad We Straightened That Out

, , , , , , , | Related | March 26, 2020

(This happens the afternoon after my school’s annual career day. It’s important to note that I am very much NOT straight and my parents are fully aware of this.)

Me: *talking to my dad* “Oh, yeah, we had career day today.”

Dad: *only half paying attention* “Huh? Queer day?”

Me: “No, career day, Dad. You should know that every day is queer day for me.”

She Is Very Pro Noun

, , , , , , , | Learning | November 1, 2019

(I go to a Catholic all-girls private high school. As I’m FTM trans, I can’t be “publically” out without risking expulsion and being forcefully outed to my parents. Despite this, most everyone I’m friends with knows and is cool and respectful about it. In my sophomore year, this happens when I decide to tell one of my newer freshman friends about it.)

Me: “So, my name isn’t actually [Deadname] but [Chosen Name], and I mostly use masculine pronouns.”

(I guess at this point she realizes that she’s been unknowingly misgendering me for the past three or so months we’ve known each other and kind of freaks out.)

Friend: “Oh, OH! I’M SO SORRY, ‘HE.’ I WON’T DO IT AGAIN!”

Me: “Sweetheart, that’s not how pronouns work.”

(Thankfully, she’s learned how to use grammar far more effectively since then!)

Them’s Fighting Words

, , , , , | Related | October 9, 2019

(My parents and I are eating out at a restaurant with my mom’s best friend. Everyone here is from Louisiana.)

Friend: “I’ve always loved Creole gumbos.”

Dad: *a born and raised Cajun* “So, you’ve never actually had gumbo, then?”