Them’s Fighting Words

, , , , , , | Related | October 9, 2019

(My parents and I are eating out at a restaurant with my mom’s best friend. Everyone here is from Louisiana.)

Friend: “I’ve always loved Creole gumbos.”

Dad: *a born and raised Cajun* “So, you’ve never actually had gumbo, then?”

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Crafting A “The Floor Is Lava” Room

, , , , , | Friendly | August 22, 2019

(I’ve recently started a casual, semi-survival server for my friends and me on a popular block-based game. On this day, I’m alone on the server collecting supplies underground, a fairly decent ways away from our base, when one of my friends logs on. All of this takes place through the in-game chat function.)

Friend: “Hey! Don’t be alarmed, but I am going to do some house construction.”

Me: “That’s fine. What are you gonna do?”

Friend: “I’m going to replace walls and stuff to be more open and modern, and expand some things to make a living room and kitchen. :-)”

Me: “Ooh, I can’t wait to see it.”

(There’s radio silence in the chat for about 20 minutes when…)

Chat: “[Friend] tried to swim in lava.”

(About five minutes later…)

Chat: “[Friend] tried to swim in lava.”

(Five minutes later…)

Chat: “[Friend] burned to death.”

Me: “What on earth are you doing?!”

Friend: “You’ll see! :-)”

(She was digging out the area under our base and creating a natural-looking lava pool that was to then be covered in glass. She’s so lucky I decided to turn “keep inventory” on.)

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Unfiltered Story #146848

, , , | Unfiltered | April 10, 2019

[The following takes place when my coworker is working for me.]

Front Desk Agent: [Responding to a call of a naked man asleep in the lobby elevators.] “Oh my God! Call the cops!”

[She does see a naked man passed out in the elevator, and a pile of poop next to him as well. She also alerts Hotel Security and they capture the man on the next floor up.]

Naked Man: What are you all bothering me for? I didn’t do anything!
Security: You’re not a guest here. Your clothes are in the elevator and you went to the bathroom in there. The police are on their way.
Naked Man: I didn’t DO anything!!

[He eventually picked up his clothes and cleaned his mess up after a highly angry Engineer ordered him to do so. Not quite sure if he went to jail or not after taking his clothes off and going to sleep inside of our elevators, after having gone to the restroom in them.]

Bit Off More Than It Could Chew

, , , , , | Friendly | February 20, 2019

(I overhear this conversation between my English teacher and one of the other English teachers before class. My teacher is holding her computer charger.)

Teacher: “So, you know, cats are like sharks. They don’t bite things to bite them; they bite them to feel them since they don’t have hands. Well, [Cat] quickly found out just how ‘spicy’ this wire was yesterday.”

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Finally Registers Where You Are

, , , | Right | January 25, 2019

(The way the store is set up, when you walk in the front doors, registers three through six are immediately along the front wall to the left, with the customer service station and registers one and two in front of them. There’s one line for all registers starting just behind the customer service station and snaking toward the side wall and back to the opening between registers one and three. I am on register one. A woman walks in with a return when I happen to be away from my register cleaning, but mine is the only one with a light on.)

Security Guard: “She’ll take you on register one, ma’am.”

(The woman looks around at all the numbers, confused, and walks up to register three.)

Security Guard: *pointing* “She’ll get you on register one.”

(As I thread my way back around toward my register, the woman walks up to register one, looks up at the lighted number, PASSES IT, and starts winding her way down the line from the registers to the start of the line.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m on one, right over there.” *points*

(The woman continues down the line to its start, getting to the “enter line here” sign just as I get behind my register, then turns and looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “I’m on register one, right here.” *indicates the counter in front of me*

(She looks like she finally gets it for a second and starts to walk out of the line around the customer service station, which is the shorter way to go, but halfway around starts looking confused again, checking the numbers above the registers. But since there’s really only one way to go at this point, she ends up in the right place in front of me, which was exactly where she had started when she walked in the door.)

Customer: “Oh, THIS is where it is. I didn’t know that. Someone could have told me. I wouldn’t have had to walk all around if someone had told me.”

Me: “…”

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