(I go to a Catholic all-girls private high school. As I’m FTM trans, I can’t be “publically” out without risking expulsion and being forcefully outed to my parents. Despite this, most everyone I’m friends with knows and is cool and respectful about it. In my sophomore year, this happens when I decide to tell one of my newer freshman friends about it.)
Me: “So, my name isn’t actually [Deadname] but [Chosen Name], and I mostly use masculine pronouns.”
(I guess at this point she realizes that she’s been unknowingly misgendering me for the past three or so months we’ve known each other and kind of freaks out.)
Friend: “Oh, OH! I’M SO SORRY, ‘HE.’ I WON’T DO IT AGAIN!”
Me: “Sweetheart, that’s not how pronouns work.”
(Thankfully, she’s learned how to use grammar far more effectively since then!)
(My parents and I are eating out at a restaurant with my mom’s best friend. Everyone here is from Louisiana.)
Friend: “I’ve always loved Creole gumbos.”
Dad: *a born and raised Cajun* “So, you’ve never actually had gumbo, then?”
(I’ve recently started a casual, semi-survival server for my friends and me on a popular block-based game. On this day, I’m alone on the server collecting supplies underground, a fairly decent ways away from our base, when one of my friends logs on. All of this takes place through the in-game chat function.)
Friend: “Hey! Don’t be alarmed, but I am going to do some house construction.”
Me: “That’s fine. What are you gonna do?”
Friend: “I’m going to replace walls and stuff to be more open and modern, and expand some things to make a living room and kitchen. :-)”
Me: “Ooh, I can’t wait to see it.”
(There’s radio silence in the chat for about 20 minutes when…)
Chat: “[Friend] tried to swim in lava.”
(About five minutes later…)
Chat: “[Friend] tried to swim in lava.”
(Five minutes later…)
Chat: “[Friend] burned to death.”
Me: “What on earth are you doing?!”
Friend: “You’ll see! :-)”
(She was digging out the area under our base and creating a natural-looking lava pool that was to then be covered in glass. She’s so lucky I decided to turn “keep inventory” on.)
[The following takes place when my coworker is working for me.]
Front Desk Agent: [Responding to a call of a naked man asleep in the lobby elevators.] “Oh my God! Call the cops!”
[She does see a naked man passed out in the elevator, and a pile of poop next to him as well. She also alerts Hotel Security and they capture the man on the next floor up.]
Naked Man: What are you all bothering me for? I didn’t do anything!
Security: You’re not a guest here. Your clothes are in the elevator and you went to the bathroom in there. The police are on their way.
Naked Man: I didn’t DO anything!!
[He eventually picked up his clothes and cleaned his mess up after a highly angry Engineer ordered him to do so. Not quite sure if he went to jail or not after taking his clothes off and going to sleep inside of our elevators, after having gone to the restroom in them.]
(I overhear this conversation between my English teacher and one of the other English teachers before class. My teacher is holding her computer charger.)
Teacher: “So, you know, cats are like sharks. They don’t bite things to bite them; they bite them to feel them since they don’t have hands. Well, [Cat] quickly found out just how ‘spicy’ this wire was yesterday.”
