Bit Off More Than It Could Chew

, , , , , | Friendly | February 20, 2019

(I overhear this conversation between my English teacher and one of the other English teachers before class. My teacher is holding her computer charger.)

Teacher: “So, you know, cats are like sharks. They don’t bite things to bite them; they bite them to feel them since they don’t have hands. Well, [Cat] quickly found out just how ‘spicy’ this wire was yesterday.”

Finally Registers Where You Are

, , , | Right | January 25, 2019

(The way the store is set up, when you walk in the front doors, registers three through six are immediately along the front wall to the left, with the customer service station and registers one and two in front of them. There’s one line for all registers starting just behind the customer service station and snaking toward the side wall and back to the opening between registers one and three. I am on register one. A woman walks in with a return when I happen to be away from my register cleaning, but mine is the only one with a light on.)

Security Guard: “She’ll take you on register one, ma’am.”

(The woman looks around at all the numbers, confused, and walks up to register three.)

Security Guard: *pointing* “She’ll get you on register one.”

(As I thread my way back around toward my register, the woman walks up to register one, looks up at the lighted number, PASSES IT, and starts winding her way down the line from the registers to the start of the line.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m on one, right over there.” *points*

(The woman continues down the line to its start, getting to the “enter line here” sign just as I get behind my register, then turns and looks at me expectantly.)

Me: “I’m on register one, right here.” *indicates the counter in front of me*

(She looks like she finally gets it for a second and starts to walk out of the line around the customer service station, which is the shorter way to go, but halfway around starts looking confused again, checking the numbers above the registers. But since there’s really only one way to go at this point, she ends up in the right place in front of me, which was exactly where she had started when she walked in the door.)

Customer: “Oh, THIS is where it is. I didn’t know that. Someone could have told me. I wouldn’t have had to walk all around if someone had told me.”

Me: “…”

Wish You Could Flush This Experience Down The Toilet

, , , , , | Right | October 23, 2018

(A teenage boy of about fourteen or fifteen comes out of the bathroom and approaches me.)

Boy: “Um, ma’am, there’s a problem in the bathroom.”

Me: “Okay, let me take a look.”

(I am thinking I’ll just have to plunge or something. I walk in, and my eyes grow wide. The entire floor is covered in poo water. A HUGE ball of paper towels full of poo has clogged the entire toilet — not just the drain, the whole bowl — and some is hanging out of the toilet. Several more pieces of paper towel are strewn on the floor. The empty paper towel roll is laid on the counter. Yes, there is an ENTIRE ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS in the toilet.)

Me: “What happened?”

Boy: “Well, there wasn’t a lot of toilet paper left, so I tried to use the paper towels.”

Me: “You needed that many paper towels to take care of yourself?”

Boy: “No. I mean, I used the first bit, but then it wouldn’t flush down, so then I just kept shoving more in there thinking it would fix it. I’m really sorry; this is so nasty.”

(I look at him, and then, in silence, I walk out and fetch his mom. I bring her into the bathroom to take a look. She peeks in, and as she does, the boy says:)

Boy: “I’m so sorry, Mom. I didn’t know what to do.”

Mom: *with a blank face she responded* “Oh, honey, it’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed; this happens.”

(In my mind, I’m screaming, “NO, IT DOESN’T! THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN. THIS IS NOT A THING PEOPLE DO. PEOPLE DO NOT SHOVE ENTIRE ROLLS OF PAPER TOWELS DOWN THE TOILET. THAT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT JUST ‘HAPPENS.’ WOULD YOU BE SAYING THAT TO HIM IF HE DID THIS AT HOME?!” But I keep my cool and I stay silent. The mom looks at me.)

Mom: “Okay, let’s go, Son. Or did you want to ask about that book?”

(I’m standing in a puddle of her son’s poo water, staring. The boy looks at me and says:)

Boy: “Oh, yeah. Do you have Bram Stoker’s Dracula?”

Me: *still staring* “No. No, I don’t have that one. Or any more paper towels.”

(The mom laughs. The boy laughs. I do not laugh.)

Mom: “Okay, have a nice afternoon!”

(The mom and boy walk out. I’m still standing in the middle of poo water in the bathroom. I stare at the mess around me, dumbfounded. I call my landlord and ask her to send a plumber over. I begin cleaning. The plumber arrives, and he gets to the bathroom, opens the toilet, and exclaims:)

Plumber: “OH, MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?! THIS COULD CLOG A SEWER! THIS IS NOT TOILET PAPER!”

(Yes, yes, I know. $95 and two hours of cleaning later… Moral of the story: I now understand why there are signs in public restrooms stating, “Do not flush anything down the toilet that isn’t toilet paper.” We’ve removed all paper towels, napkins, and hand towels from the bathroom and put them outside.)

Should Have Said You’re From Middle Earth

, , , , , , | Working | October 17, 2018

My friend and I were in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. We are both New Zealanders. We met up with my American cousin and we were having a few drinks. We went to a different bar, and my friend and cousin went to order.

Shortly afterwards, my cousin came back to me saying I needed to go help at the bar. I went up and saw that the bartender had my friend’s passport and was arguing with her. Turns out the bartender thought it was fake, and was yelling at my friend about how our country isn’t real. I stepped in, showed her my passport, and got the same response. We Googled New Zealand on our phones and showed her, but she still refused to believe that our passports were legit or that New Zealand exists.

We decided to go elsewhere and the bartender wouldn’t give the passport back, still going on about how it was fake. I leaned over and wrenched it off her and ran out before she could call any security. Who knows? The security might never have seen a world map, either!

Tag, You’re It

, , , | Right | October 16, 2018

(I am working as the fitting room attendant. My job is to count garments as people come in, hand them a tag with the number, and count them again as they leave with the tag as a reference. This particular day I have a lady with a single item come through. As she leaves, she shows me her single item, but does not return the tag to me.)

Me: “Do you have your number?”

Customer: “It’s in there.”

Me: “Could you go grab it for me real quick?”

Customer: “You want me to walk all the way back in there?!”

Me: “Yes, please?”

Customer: *stares at me in disbelief for a moment* “You want me to walk all the way back in there?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Customer: “I only had one item. I’m showing you the one item.”

Me: “I still need the tag back.”

Customer: “But you see my one item. Why do you need the tag back if you see my one item?”

(I am thinking, “A: Do you know how many people I see in a day? Do you really think I remember what you had? B: So I don’t have to clean up after you.”)

Me: “Everybody has to bring the tags back out. That’s just the procedure.”

(She steps around to read the sign with the check-in procedure which, admittedly, tells customers to hang their items so I can count them on the way in, but does not actually tell them anything about me checking them back out.)

Customer: “This doesn’t say I have to bring the tag back.”

Me: “No, it doesn’t, but I do need to you bring it back to me.”

Customer: “You didn’t tell me I needed to bring it back. Why didn’t you tell me I needed to bring it back?”

Me: “I thought it was kind of obvious.”

Customer: “I want to see where it’s written that I have to bring the tag back out.”

Me: “Do you want to see a copy of the fitting room handbook?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: *pauses* “Okay.” *on radio* “[Manager], I have a lady here who would like to see a copy of the fitting room handbook to see where it is written that she needs to bring the number tag back out of the fitting room.”

Manager: *on radio* “Do you need me to come back there?”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Manager: *sighs* “Okay, give me a sec.”

Me: *to the customer* “He’s on his way.”

Customer: “I’m not trying to be petty with you. But I think you’re being petty with me.”

Me: “I’m not being petty with you. Everyone has to bring the tag back out.”

Customer: “I can’t believe that you want me to go all the way back in there to get the tag out. I think you’re being petty with me.”

Me: “I’m really not. Everyone has to bring the tags back out.”

(As I say this, a gentleman comes out of the fitting room with his single item, which did not fit, hands me the shirt, and starts to walk away.)

Me: “Sir, do you have your number?”

Customer #2: “Oh, no, I’m sorry. I forgot.”

(He immediately goes back into the fitting room to get his tag for me. As I place the tag back in its holder, I resist the urge to ask the lady, “Now was that freaking hard?” Instead, I turn to her and smile.)

Me: “Everyone.”

(While we wait a minute longer for the manager, she ends up going get the tag, still grumbling about me being petty with her, then mutters something about not waiting, and starts to walk away just as the manager comes down the aisle. I call after her that this is the manager, and they have a conversation just out of my earshot. After she leaves, the manager comes over the radio again.)

Manager: “Some people just…. are so stupid they just…” *devolves into a string of curse words*

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