There’s A Hole In Your Argument

, , , , , | Right | February 11, 2018

(It’s lunchtime at my school and I decide to pass some time by watching a popular YouTuber who’s known for calling herself a proud “holosexual.” A couple of my friends notice and we start to talk about her. Afterwards…)

Friend: *whispering to me* Isn’t ‘holosexual’ also term for someone who likes anal?”

(She isn’t living that one down anytime soon!)

Unfiltered Story #103835

, , , | Unfiltered | January 17, 2018

(I have just returned to work after being very sick for about a week and a half. I’d lost my voice and was unable to work for many days. A regular who favors me, an older man with a thick, possibly Spanish-influenced accent, comes to my line.)

Customer: “Where were you?”

Me: “I’m sorry? When?”

Customer: “For two weeks, I no see you.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, I was very sick.”

Customer: *gasps* “Me too!”

(We have a conversion, to the best of our ability to understand each other, about being sick, while I ring his items through and refill his cart. He pays, as always, with a $100 bill.)

Customer: “I see you next week? When do you work?”

Me: “Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.”

Customer: “I see you next week!”

Was Looking For A Dive-Bar

, , , , , , | Right | December 29, 2017

(I work as a security officer for a hotel in downtown New Orleans. I received a call about a man bleeding profusely outside of the bar, but in the lobby.)

Me: “Oh, my God! Are you all right?”

Man: “Yeah, I am fine.”

(I notice the man is bleeding badly from the mouth.)

Me: “What happened?”

Man: “I dove head first down the stairs.”

Me: “But… Why?”

Man: “I don’t know; I just wanted to.”

(I try all the usual techniques, including offering the man an ambulance. He refuses everything.)

Me: “Are you sure that I can’t call someone for you?”

Man: “Nah, man. I am okay. I used to play football. I have been hurt worse than this.”

(Reluctantly, I had to walk away, as he did appear to be able to take care of himself. However, his explanation of why he dove head first down the lobby stairs, just because he wanted to, leaving a trail of blood down the stairs still escapes me.)

It’s A Time For Taking, And That’s It

, , , , , | Working | December 22, 2017

(I’m browsing a department store in the thick of Christmas shopping season. I see an attractive wallet on one of the displays and when I pick it up to check the price, I realize it is overflowing with cash and credit cards. Confident I had just stumbled upon someone’s entire misplaced Christmas budget, I go up to one of the sales counters and ask for directions to the security offices to turn it in.)

Me: “Excuse me, I think someone lost their wallet here. Can you tell me where mall security is? I’m trying to turn it in.”

Saleswoman: *her eyes instantly widen when she sees the cash, and I immediately just get all-around bad vibes from her* “Dang! Look at all that!” *throws her hands up playfully* “Sure I’ll take it!”

Me: *assuming she’s joking, but a little uncomfortable* “I’m actually on my way out now. I figured I can just swing by security and leave it with them.”

Saleswoman: “The offices are way down on the first floor. Leave it here; she’ll probably come back for it anyway.”

Me: *increasingly uncomfortable with her insistence* “I think I’ll just go find security…” *I move to leave the counter*

Saleswoman: “MA’AM! I cannot let you just walk off with that wallet that’s not yours! That’s a customer’s and I will be making sure it gets back to the owner! Hand it over now please, or I will have to involve loss prevention!”

Me: “You mean security? That’s uh… that’s fine actually. Are they here in the store right now?”

Saleswoman: *sputtering and turning red* “I uh… I have to ask you to hand me the wallet and leave the store or uh… yes …I mean… I will call…”

Me: “I’m bringing this downstairs. Call if you need to. I’m not leaving this with a random employee, sorry.”

(I turned and walked away. When I looked back, she was huffing and slamming things down on the counter, but not calling security. I’m still not sure what she was up to, but I don’t think it was anything good.)

Unfiltered Story #100022

, , | Unfiltered | November 16, 2017

(In my sophomore year, my school ended up having to hire a new teacher for all of the chemistry honors classes. This happened during our first class with her at the beginning of the year. I should also note that my high school is ranked in the top 5 for education in my state.)

Teacher: …And that’s the syllabus! Now I have something to blow your minds.

(She walks to the board and draws a cube looking really excited)

Teacher: Length times width times height is equal to volume. Isn’t that amazing?

Class: …

(Thankfully she got a lot better as the year went on!)

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