I am working at a coffee shop in London, and I am serving a customer with a US accent.

Customer: “Can I have some half-and-half with that?”

Me: “We don’t have half-and-half over here, but I know what you’re asking for. In the UK, the half-and-half equivalent is two-thirds single cream and one-third milk; will that be okay?”

Customer: “No! I want half-and-half!”

Me: “That’s a product of the USA, not the UK, so I can’t—”

Customer: *Narrows her eyes and focuses on my accent* “Where are you from?”

Me: “Argentina, madam.”

Customer: “Then what would you know about what we have in America?“

Me: “Well, I know that you and I are both Americans.”

Customer: “No, I am the American!“

Me: “My country is in South America. It’s literally in the name. Canadians, Argentinians, Mexicans — we’re all Americans.”

Customer: “There’s only one America, and it’s where I am from!”

Our coffee shop luckily has a giant cork world map on the wall, where small bills of foreign currency are folded into little flags and placed on the countries they came from.

Me: “Madam, please tell me the names of the large continents you see here on the left of the map.”

The customer sees, clear as day, in all caps: “NORTH AMERICA” and “SOUTH AMERICA”.

Customer: “Well… only my America counts!”

Me: “At least I know the true definition of American, and that what you were trying to say was you’re from the United States Of America. Now, would you like me to pour you something that is almost indistinguishable from half-and-half?”

Customer: “I’m going to go find a place that knows how to serve an American!”

Me: “I’m an American offering you a solution.”

Customer: “You’re not a real American!”

I point to the southern tip of Argentina (just north of Antarctica on the scale of the world map) and then slide my finger all the way north to Alaska.

Me: “That’s 15,000 km — literally all of it America. Have a great day!”

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 19
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 18
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 17
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 16
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 15

It is 2010. A customer comes in looking pretty flustered.

Customer: “I need a video game for my husband. He lost his pre-order in another shop and he’s really upset.”

Me: “What’s it called?”

Customer: “Something weird and foreign. Like… Mila Kunis?”

Me: “Like… like the actress?”

Customer: “Maybe? Is she Japanese?”

Me: “Is it Ni No Kuni?”

Customer: “Yes! That’s the one! Nina Kunis! Do you have it?” 

We did. We hope the husband enjoyed playing Mila Kunis!

A customer comes into our petrol station looking a little grumpy.

Customer: “You’re charging me 50p to use the air pump! 50p! I remember when it used to be 20p!”

I look at the customer directly in the eyes. Did he really just set me up for this? I can’t believe I actually get to say it.

Me: “Well, that’s inflation for you.” 

The customer stared back at me… and ever so slowly, a smile crept across his face. He walked out giggling, leaving me amazed that the universe had gifted me such a perfect setup.

I am working as waitstaff at a hotel that’s hosting a conference.

Guest: “Can I have a cup of tea?”

I bring her the cup, and then she gets some paper towels and starts dipping them in the tea and throwing them away. She keeps doing this to the point that I have to ask:

Me: “Is there something in the tea?”

Guest: “Oh, no, I am just trying to soak all the tea flavour out so I can put my own tea bag in it.”

Me: “Would… would you like some hot water instead? For your own teabag?”

She thinks about this for a scarily long amount of time.

Guest: “Yes, that might be better, I think!”

I work in a call center for a cable company that also sells digital TV recording boxes so that customers can record programmes on broadcast TV (similar to TiVo in the US).

Caller: *Upset* “My box is only 60GB!”

Me: “Yes, sir, that is the standard size of the set-top boxes. You need to pay extra for an upgrade.”

Caller: “Well, I am running out of space, and I need to record the football tonight! I’ll upgrade!”

Me: “I can process the upgrade, sir, but we would need to send you a replacement box. It would take up to five working days.”

Caller: “Can’t you just send me the extra gigabytes over the phone?”

Me: “No, sir.”

Caller: “You must not be a football fan!” *Click*