Me: “[Frame Shop], how can I help you?”

Lady: “Hi. I have a problem with a mat I ordered.”

Me: “What is the problem?”

Lady: “Well, I wanted the mat to fit over a puzzle and on the puzzle box it says it is supposed to be 20″ by 28″, so that is what we ordered.”

Me: “Okay.”

Lady: “But I am putting the puzzle together and it is only 20″ by 23″.”

Me: “Well, if there is a problem I can always re-order the mat for you…”

Lady: “But the puzzle is supposed to be 20″ by 28″! Now it won’t fit in the frame I bought from you!”

Me: “Do you have the puzzle all put together?”

Lady: “No, not yet.”

Me: “…then how did you measure it?”

Lady: “I measured the edges!”

Me: “Are there any pieces with flat sides left?”

Lady: “Yes, but they don’t fit.”

Me: “Hmm, I see….”

(I spend the next fifteen minutes trying to explain to the customer that all of the flat pieces belong on the edges of the puzzle, without offending her or snickering.)

Customer: “Can I have the giant Yorkshire Pudding?”

Me: “Sure, would you like it served with Beef or Pork?”

Customer: “Yes, I’ll have beef or pork.”

Me: “No, would you like Beef OR Pork?”

Customer: “YES, beef or pork!”

This story is part of our Customers With Super-Vague Requests roundup!

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Me: “You’re through to [tech support], can I take your telephone number?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, can I take your postcode instead?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’m trying to help but I need to bring your account details up in my system.”

Customer: *rather angrily* “What the h*** do you want my details for? I can’t connect to the internet, you need to sort it out!”

Me: “I will do my best, sir, but like I explained I need to bring up your account details to verify what the problem seems to be.”

Customer: *screaming* “That’s it, I’m calling your complaints department. This is f****** ridiculous. I also want to speak to your manager NOW!”

Me: “Sorry, sir, I can’t do that as you haven’t verified any of your account details.”

Customer: “That’s it, I’m leaving your provider for somebody else!”

Me: “Thanks for calling [technical support]. Have a nice day!”

(Two minutes later my manager comes over and just bursts out laughing.)

Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling [Pet Insurance]. My name is Barry, how can I help?”

Customer: “I’m not happy!”

Me: “And why is that?”

Customer: “I don’t know the sort code for my bank account!”

Me: “Okay… have you tried calling your bank?”

Customer: “If I did that I’d end up talking to somebody in India! Can’t you just tell me?”

Me: “Well, I sell pet insurance, so, unfortunately, I don’t have that kind of information. I only have information on how much it will cost to insure a cat or a dog. I guess you could find it if you went to your bank’s website.”

Customer: “Oh great! Could you do that for me?”

Me: *sigh*

This story is part of our Lazy Customers roundup!

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(Some customers at our restaurant try to get a free meal by placing some hair in their food and then blaming the chef and refusing to pay for the meal.)

Customer: “Waiter!”

Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “There’s a hair in my food.”

Me: “That isn’t possible, unless it was your hair.”

Customer: “It isn’t!”

Me: “Who else’s hair could it be?”

Customer: “Your chef’s.”

(I walk into the kitchen and return to the table with our chef.)

Me: “Take off your chef’s hat.”

(Chef takes off his hat, he is revealed to be bald.)

Chef: *to the customer* “You were saying something about my hair being in your food?”

This story is part of the Lying-Customers-Getting-Caught roundup!

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