I work in IT support at a secondary school in the UK. Like most places, our users cannot buy and install their own software or peripherals or anything like that.

We got this ticket today from a teacher.

Ticket: “Hi. I can see that someone is remotely logged into my account. This is so strange. Please clarify what’s going on?”

That’s definitely not enough information to help out in any way, so I asked her to elaborate. She told me that someone was opening and closing folders and windows on her machine while she was trying to teach.

We do have remote desktop software on our machines, so we checked that no one in the IT department was actually on a remote session on this machine at the time. No dice.

After the lesson was over and the teacher left the classroom, I did then remote into the machine to see if I could replicate what was happening. It wasn’t happening when I had control of the machine, but as soon as I gave control back, text started being highlighted and folders opened and closed.

I made my way to the offending PC’s classroom and logged in. I couldn’t see anything that could be causing it. The desk was pretty messy, though. As soon as I got logged in, news apps, volume control, and network connections started popping up like they were being clicked on.

I had my arm leaning on a stack of booklets covered in sticky notes with paper registers strewn under them. There were also two plastic cups at the top of this nest of clutter. I moved my arm, and suddenly, the desktop was calm — no movement at all. Strange.

I started moving the cluttered paperwork and spied something black and plastic at the bottom of the pile. I was sure I knew what it was at that point, but I kept clearing to confirm my suspicions.

At the bottom of the pile was a writing/drawing tablet. I checked, and yep, it was plugged in, and the plastic cup full of pens on top of it was constantly clicking the left-click button.

We had no idea that this department even had these tablets and had never even heard of them before this.

After “fixing” the remoting to the PC issue, I went back to the office to find four tickets from this department asking how to use these tablets.

We’re going to have a lot of fun confiscating them.

I respond to an ad that’s looking for tech support help.

Me: “What kind of tech support are you looking for?”

Client: “Iphone and computer; very simple questions. It’s a non-paying gig and you have to come to Cambridge. I will provide food.”

Obviously, I don’t reply. After two days, I receive a message from them:

Client: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello. I can’t work for food.”

Client: “You don’t eat? You must not be human! Are you must be E.T?”

Me: “My landlord has enough food, the train doesn’t take food and my car doesn’t run on food.”

Client: “Okay. Too bad. Goodbye, E.T.”

This happened at scout camp in the early 1980s. In addition to our troop, we had one scout from a different troop entirely camping with us. (I never did find out why.) He was from London, and he was constantly bragging about how tough it was there in the east end and how tough he was for living there. He’d brag about all the fights he’d won, the dangerous gangs there, and so much more. It was all he’d ever talk about when we were out of earshot of the leaders.

This camp, by the way, was in Suffolk, which is about as far removed from any metropolitan life as possible.

At one point, amidst his latest embiggening of himself, [Scout] pointed at scrawny timid me and said:

Scout: “You’d never survive one minute in Leyton. Where are you from?”

Me: “Actually, I was born there and lived there for several years.”

Everyone else laughed at him for that, and he FINALLY shut up about blasted Leyton!

My local doctor’s practice does biennial health checks on men when we pass forty years of age. The checks are part of a government initiative, so they aren’t done with much enthusiasm — or, with mine yesterday, any enthusiasm at all.

After running through some basic stuff, which includes asking about my sexuality, with the answers I give resulting in the nurse ticking a box on her computer without paying attention to what I said, she asks:

Nurse: “Do you use birth control?”

Me: “No.”

She clicks a box and reads what comes next in a bored voice:

Nurse: “Do you want advice on family planning?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: *Reading the screen* “Ask the patient why he doesn’t use birth control.”

Me: *Sarcastically* “My husband and I use the rhythm method.”

Nurse: “So, you do use a form of birth control. I’ll have to go back and change your answer.”

Me: “Honestly, you won’t.”

Nurse: “Perhaps, Mr. [My Name], I need to speak to you and your husband about the importance of… Oh.”

Me: “There we go. Next question?”

I’m currently covering a reception desk whilst trying to get a more permanent job. It’s worth noting that I’ve got ten years of office experience and a university-level education, so I’m not stupid.

My director sends me an email with the subject, “Cancelled: [important meeting]”.

Director: “Can you book [meeting room], pls?”

Me: “Hi, [Director]. This meeting is already booked in [meeting room]. Regards, [My Name].”

Director: “Hi. This is a cancellation for that meeting. Thanks.”

Me: *Out loud to an empty office* “What the actual… Why did you ask for me to book it, then?!”

I’m still confused as to how this person, with multiple letters after his name, expected me to understand his request to book a room was actually him cancelling the meeting, but I guess my psychic abilities are getting a little rusty…