Teaching Sport As Performance Art

, , , , | Learning | September 6, 2018

This happened to my uncle.

A while ago, when fresh out of school, he was hired to give classes at a local secondary school. He arrived to the school and announced himself as the new teacher. The person at the school gates welcomed him and said he was going to direct him to where he was giving classes.

Now, it should be noted that people in this side of the family tend to be muscular, but also this uncle used to do weight lifting and as such, at this point of this life he was built like a truck — his friends nicknamed him Bamm-Bamm! — so the person assumed he was going to be the new PE teacher and took him to the school gym.

I can only imagine his shock when the muscular guy in front of him said, “Wait. You got it wrong; I’m here to give art classes!”

Goody-Goody Bad-Bad

, , , , , , , , | Learning | August 2, 2018

When I was in school I was pretty much the most picked-on kid in school. I never broke a school rule, I did all my homework, and I was friends with some teachers. I hated getting in trouble due to uber-strict parents, so I always did as I was told. However, I always struggled to make friends, mainly due to being such a goody-goody, so when I made a few friends I didn’t want to upset them.

One day we were hanging out in the art room and my friends were sitting on the tables chilling, whilst another goody-goody and I sat in chairs and did some tidying for the teacher. After a while the others started getting a bit rowdy and began to stand on chairs and things. As they weren’t damaging anyone’s art work, and as we didn’t want to lose them as friends, we goody-goodies left them to it.

A teacher walked by, saw them being rowdy, and hauled all of us in front of the head teacher. We all got yelled at for breaking school rules — standing on the chairs — and then the rowdy group was let go. The other goody-goody and I were then told off for not either stopping our friends or coming to get a teacher to stop them.

That’s the day I lost faith in those teachers, as I’d previously told them of people copying off me in tests and breaking school rules, only to have been told to stop being so good and let kids be kids.

Your Name Is Set(h) In Stone

, , , , , , | | Learning | May 25, 2018

(My son has a name which is uncommon but by no means unheard of. After his first day at a school the teacher calls me into the classroom for a chat.)

Teacher: “Hi, Ms. [My Name]. I just wondered if we could discuss your child for a moment.”

Me: “Ah, sure.” *a bit concerned*

Teacher: “We just want you to know that we want to support them in any way we can and if you need anything let us know.”

(I’m happy to hear this, but also slightly confused since I have a perfectly happy, healthy thirteen-year-old.)

Teacher: “If, for example, they feel they need to talk to a counsellor, or if they feel they are unable to express themselves, we just want them to know this is a safe space where they can do that.”

(Now I’m seriously baffled.)

Me: “Sorry, I think I’m missing something here; what exactly do you think my son needs counselling for?”

(The teacher gives me a disapproving glare.)

Teacher: “Ms. [My Name], you are showing enormous disrespect to your child by not using their preferred pronouns.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but my son has never mentioned anything about using different pronouns.”

Teacher: “How can you be paying so little attention to your child? They clearly have gender dysphoria!”

Me: “Okay, whoa. My son and I have discussed gender and sexual identity plenty, and he has told me time and again he is an ally of the LGBTQ community, but he is a straight male and he is very happy.”

Teacher: *with a smug face* “Then how do you explain this?”

(With a painfully-practiced flourish, she flips a worksheet onto the desk in front of me. It’s an “About Me” first-day type deal. My son has written his name, birthday, hobbies, what he wants to be when he grows up, etc. There is nothing here that would make anyone think he has gender dysphoria or needs to see a counsellor.)

Me: “Sorry, this is meant to be proof of what?”

Teacher: “Look at the name! They have signed with their preferred name, Beth! Clearly your child is transgender.”

Me: “Oh, Christ alive, his name is Seth! He just has cursive handwriting.”

Teacher: “That’s not a name! You are denying your daughter’s existence. You’re misgendering her! This is erasure!”

Me: “Look. You are misgendering him. My son is named Seth, after the Ancient Egyptian god of chaos. He should fit right in in your class.”

(I’ve had enough and leave the room with the teacher still screaming about trans erasure and how Seth isn’t a real name. I leave the school and get into the car, where my worried son is waiting to hear what he got into trouble for.)

Me: “Well, darling, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your teacher is incredibly supportive and accepting of LGBTQ students. The bad news is that she refuses to acknowledge your name.”

Son: “Okay… But we’re good? I’m good?”

Me: “Honey, you will always be good with me, whether you’re Seth, Beth, or Slartibartfast.”

(His first term assignment was to present a project on a god who is no longer worshipped… Guess who he picked!)

The Power Of Gaming

, , , , , | Friendly | May 12, 2018

(My friend has the uncanny ability to call correctly on random chance in video games. I like to joke that it’s his superpower. These are just a few examples. Playing Mario Kart 8:)

Me: “Bullet Bill, Bullet Bill, please! I need a Bullet Bill!”

Friend #1: “Nope. Banana peel.”

Friend #2: “Oh, crap, blue shell!”

Friend #1: “You’ll be fine; you’ll get a sound box.”

(He is right on both counts. Later, we’re playing a game where the characters you get are random. We’re chatting as I pull up the summon screen.)

Me: “I hope it’s [Character].”

Friend #1: “Bet you it’s this one.”

(He taps the orb before I can stop him and starts the summon. The smoke clears, and [Character] appears).

Me: “What the f***?!”

(Playing a strategy game:)

Me: *explaining my strategy* “[Character] has a 78% hit chance; this’ll kill off the boss and then I can take the castle.”

Friend #1: “She’s going to fail so badly.”

(Not only does the unit miss, the foe scores a 1% critical hit chance and kills her, forcing me to restart the level!)

Me: *laughing and pushing my friend away* “You swore to only use your powers for good!”

Nationalistic Entitlement

, , | Learning | September 4, 2017

(We are learning about the conflicts arising when Norway is in union with Denmark.)

Teacher: “What was the most important issue in the late 1700s?”

(Correct answer: Norway wanted its own university.)

Classmate: *perks up* “Oh, I know! Norway wanted its own universe!”

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