So That’s How He Ended Up On So Many Hundreds…

, , , , | Right | September 21, 2020

When I am at a physical therapy session, two of the other patients start a political debate. I know better than to get involved, but I do hear this gem.

Patient: “Look at Benjamin Franklin! He invented the printing press, then he could get all the money from making the printing press and pursue his life’s work, like inventing the lightbulb.”

I was vastly amused, after I got done being appalled that a woman in her thirties could be so ignorant.

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Wish You Could Chew This Customer Out

, , , , | Right | September 12, 2020

Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. How may I help you?”

All I hear are very loud chewing and crunching noises. I wait for a half a minute, in case the caller was just finishing up a quick snack before they called.

Me: “Hello? Are you there? Can you hear me?”

Nope, still eating. I wait another half minute. The whole time, the caller doesn’t say anything but keeps eating. The sounds are making me feel nauseated, but I don’t want to just hang up on them.

Me: “Would you like to call back when you’re finished with your lunch?”

The caller chews faster and then swallows very audibly.

Caller: “No, thanks, I’m done now!”

The phone number to this office doesn’t have a hold queue, and most of the regular patients, including the one who called, are aware of this. I get that people are busy and can only call the doctor during their lunch break, but there is no excuse for calling while you’re in the middle of eating.

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The Incredible Squeaking Dad

, , , , , | Related | September 7, 2020

There’s no way to say this without sounding like a sadist, so I’m just gonna say it: it is REALLY FUNNY to cause my dad pain. I’m not talking serious injury here — that’s never funny — but rather small things like poking, pinching, or pulling out splinters. That sort.

When you do that to my dad he will immediately jump, shriek, and then — if it’s one of us kids — scream in near falsetto things like, “Don’t do that!” or, “Stop that!” or, “I don’t LIKE that!” while ineffectively flailing and trying to hit his aggressor.

For years, our whole family laughs at him whenever this happens, which just makes him angrier and his voice goes even higher, which makes us laugh harder. He also seems to be convinced that we are the only people on Earth who find his “genuine throes of distress” hilarious.

Then, one day, he calls me out of the blue.

Dad: “Okay. I admit it.”

Me: “Admit what?”

Dad: “It’s pretty funny how I react to pain.”

Me: “It is. What brought this on?”

Dad: “I just got back from physical therapy. They gave me a massage and I would yell every time they poked me where it hurts. By the time they were done, both the therapist and nurse were laughing. And apparently, the rooms aren’t very soundproof, because when I went out to the waiting room, everyone out there was giggling, too.”

Me: “That’s amazing.”

Dad: “Yeah, so I guess it is pretty funny. I still don’t like it when you poke me, though!”

Me: “Completely understandable! Love you, bye!”

Yes, I do bring this up every time he’s complained that I’m being a sadist ever since.

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It’s An Emergency! But It Can Wait.

, , , | Healthy | September 7, 2020

I have a concerning problem and decide to ask my insurance’s nurse advice hotline if I should go to the ER. This is what happens at the end of our conversation.

Nurse: “I definitely think you should call 911 and have an ambulance take you to the hospital. But before you do that, would you mind answering a few survey questions about my performance today?”

Me: *Incredulous pause* “No.”

I hung up, pretty shocked. I could not believe that she did that. An online survey later, sure. But in a situation urgent enough to call 911?

As for my medical issues, a new medication was causing serious complications. Reversing the medication, plus a few other things, solved it. I should be fine.

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Attention-Seeking Isn’t Always A Bad Thing

, , , , | Healthy | September 5, 2020

This happens when I am sixteen, almost seventeen. My mom is out of town on a business trip and I insist that I am fine to stay home while she is gone. I haven’t been feeling well for a few days, so I go in to see a doctor. My regular doctor isn’t in that day so they send me to see a different doctor.

The doctor comes in and starts to look over my medical history. While he’s doing so, we have the following conversation. 

Doctor: “What seems to be the problem?”

Me: “My stomach really hurts and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for a few days. The pain keeps getting worse, and then I throw up and the pain gets better for a while, but then it gets bad again.”

Doctor: “Can you describe the pain and where it’s located?” 

Me: “It’s sharp and right here.”

I point to the lower right part of my abdomen.

Doctor: “Uh-huh.” *Looks up from the computer* “Well, just get plenty of fluids and rest and you should be fine in a few days. Nothing to worry about.”

Me: “I really don’t feel good. It feels like something is wrong.”

Doctor: “Well, I can see from your medical records that you’ve been seeing a therapist for the past year and are on antidepressants. I’m putting in your file that you are having attention-seeking behavior. There is nothing wrong with you other than a stomach virus. I will follow up with your therapist.”

With that, he left the room. 

I called my mom and told her that the doctor said it was just a stomach virus and that it should go away soon. My mom got home late the next day and checked on me. I still wasn’t feeling well and we made another appointment for me for the next day. I woke her up at two am because something felt wrong. The pain was gone but I couldn’t get warm. She took me to the ER; my appendix had ruptured. I ended up spending a week in the ICU with an infection and it took another month to fully recover.

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