Piss-Poor Grammar

, , | Healthy | September 20, 2018

(Sometimes, providers fill in a prescription without proofreading, leading to gems like this:)

Prescription: “One capsule once a day to make it easier to urinate by mouth.”

No Re Mi!

, , , , , , , | Healthy | September 17, 2018

A few years ago, I was having some issues with irregular periods and had to have my first pelvic exam. It was something I had avoided for a long time, because even the idea of it put me in a panic. My mom suggested I go to her gynecologist, and I agreed, largely because she was a woman and I refused to do it with a male doctor.

So, the day of the appointment finally came and I was a nervous wreck over it, actually nearly throwing up at times. But I went and met with a nurse first, and she put me a tiny bit more at ease.

But not for long. I was taken into the exam room and handed a “gown” to change into. I was told to have it open in the front, but it didn’t even come close to fitting me, so I was practically naked. If I pulled it as tight as I could around me, there were still at least six inches of skin uncovered across my chest, stomach, and lap. Then, the doctor didn’t come in for over half an hour, and at that point I was crying out of anxiety. When she finally came in, she asked if a student shadowing her could sit in, and I’m glad now I said yes.

The doctor began by rather aggressively checking my breasts while she started singing the opening lines to the song Do-Re-Mi from The Sound of Music, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” She explained by telling me she had a two-year-old grandson who could only be calmed down by The Sound of Music when he was worked up, and she thought maybe it would help me, too. I was speechless.

I’m not sure why she thought it was a good idea to compare a grown woman having an anxiety attack to a tantrum-throwing toddler, but I’m still offended. The rest of the exam was relatively uneventful, with the student talking to me and holding my hand through much of it. I’ve promised myself that I will not let this experience scare me away from potentially necessary medical care in the future. But The Sound of Music is completely ruined for me forever.

Not On Fine Form Today

, , , | Healthy | September 16, 2018

(Our clinic gives out a Privacy Consent form to new patients, making them aware that the information given will be forwarded to their doctor when results are ready, and to medicare to claim their Bulk Billing. Our clipboards usually have about fifty forms on them, all the same. A patient comes to the desk with one and hands it to me.)

Patient: *cheerily* “Finally. Here you go.”

Me: “Thank you! Have a seat.”

(I take the top one off and get ready to scan it into his file when I notice the second is filled out, as well.)

Me: “How many did you…”

Coworker #1: *whispers* “Just let it go.”

(I flip through the forms. They are all filled out. Luckily there were only nine left on the clipboard. I’d hate to see what would have happened if there had been fifty like all the other clipboards. Not long after, [Coworker #2] is going through the draws beside me.)

Coworker #2: “I can feel your blood boiling.”

Me: “I just… I can’t. It’s… a shame. He was good-looking, as well. He’s just…. an idiot.”

Two Heads Are Better Than One

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 15, 2018

(I love my husband to pieces, but when he’s sleep-deprived, the absolute dumbest crap comes out of his mouth. Example: After working multiple night shifts as a police officer on an incredibly busy holiday weekend, he insists on coming with me to my first sonogram appointment instead of getting some much-needed rack time.)

Technician: “Okay, there’s your baby’s head! And… oh, my.”

Me: “What? What’s wrong?”

Technician: “Oh, there’s another one in there!”

Husband: *horrified* “Our baby has two heads?!”

Me: *forcing down the laughter* “No, honey, we’re having twins. I think I’m driving us home.”

Husband: *face firmly in palm* “Okay, yeah, that’s fair.”

Taking A Boob To The Eye

, , , , , | Right | September 14, 2018

(I work at an optical. In the state of Arizona it is required to update your contact and glasses prescription once a year. Also, it is illegal for an optical to sell or give out contacts on an expired prescription. We could lose our license and ability to operate. Sadly, this situation happens ALL THE TIME! A customer walks in quickly, pushing herself in front of everyone, and waves in my face to get my attention, which she already had.)

Customer: “HELLOOOO! Oh, my gosh, this is such an emergency! I dropped one of my contacts down the sink, and I’m about to go on a date!”

Me: “Well, that’s no good! Let me look it up in the system. What’s your name?”

Customer: *states name*

Me: “I’m so sorry, but it seems like you’re overdue for an exam and we need to update the RX before we can give you cont—”

Customer: “WHAT?! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! GET YOUR MANAGER!”

Me: “Sure.”

(I tell my manager the situation, and he sighs and quickly walks up. The customer is turned around doing something with her button-up blouse.)

Manager: “Hello, ma’am. What—”

Customer: *whips around with her blouse unbuttoned so low that her boobs are practically falling out* “Hi! Wow! Your eyes are super pretty! Is there any way I can get one little contact? See, it’s super-duper important!” *smiles huge and bats eyelashes*

Manager: *who is happily married* “No, sorry, ma’am. It is illegal here in Arizona to dispense an expired RX.”

Customer: “WHAT?! I KNOW THAT. CAN’T YOU DO IT JUST THIS ONCE?!”

Manager: “Sorry, no, but I can schedule you—”

Customer: “F*** YOU! YOU MUST BE GAY!” *storms out*

Me: “Uh… okay?”

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