Better Late Than Never!

, , , , | | Healthy | May 23, 2018

(In Australia, certain medical costs are covered by Medicare for everyone and some only for specific populations. A person with a chronic disease can access some funding for allied health visits through a program colloquially called a Care Plan. Word of mouth from friends or family often makes people aware of this.)

Elderly Female Patient: “My friend told me I should ask you about family planning. “

Doctor: *taken aback* ” Did you mean family planning? Because that’s things like contraception.”

Patient: “OH! ” *laughter*

Doctor: “Oh, you meant a Care Plan!” *more laughter from both* “Unless you did want to have a baby?”

The Not Telling Is Very Telling

, , | | Right | May 20, 2018

(In our office, patients must check in at the front desk so we know who they are and how we can help them. Patients often bring family members who will come and go in the waiting room, and sometimes patients’ rides home will come in and wait without talking to us. We receptionists are usually too busy to ask each and every person who hasn’t checked in with us what they’re there for. On this particular instance, an older lady walks in and sits down without saying anything to us. We have several people in line to check in, so we don’t take any notice. After the line has been taken care of, the lady stomps up to the desk)

Patient: “I have been waiting for fifteen minutes and no one has checked me in! You mean I have to actually tell you I’m here to get checked in?!”

Me: “Well, yes, otherwise we don’t know what we need to do for you. I’m free now, so how can I help you?”

Patient: “I can’t believe I actually have to tell you I’m here to get any service!”

(No, she was not a regular, and I had no clue who she was. She didn’t even have an appointment!)

Carrot Top, Meet Carrot Bottom…

, , , , , | | Healthy | May 18, 2018

(I’m a medical student. My neighbor who is a doctor tells me this story. She has a patient with something stuck.)

Neighbor: “So, you were cleaning the kitchen naked, tripped, and ended up with a carrot up your rectum?”

Patient: *red-faced* “Yes…”

Neighbor: “Honey, I’m a doctor. This is far from the weirdest case I’ve had. I also don’t have the right to comment on people and their experiments.”

Patient: “So, when will I get this out?”

Neighbor: “After the proctologist sees you.”

You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 8

, , , , , | | Right | May 17, 2018

(I work as a customer service rep in medical billing, taking calls from people who have received bills. As with most businesses, our calls can be monitored by supervisors for quality control.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Medical Center]. May I have the account number on your bill, please?”


Me: “Hello? May I have your account num—”

(A moan and heavy breathing.)

Me: “I think you need to call a 900 number, sir.”

(Across the room, I could hear my supervisor burst out laughing. I’m just glad she found it as funny as I did.)

You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 7
You Got The Wrongest Number, Part 6

Survival Of The Fittest In Action

, , , , | | Healthy | May 14, 2018

Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. Can I help you?”

Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

Me: “I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

Patient: “Yeah, check. I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!'”

Me: *pause* “A guy at the bar?”

Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills, and it really helped.”

Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

Patient: “Yeah, it really helped, and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout. So, is there an injection?”

Me: “Hold, please.”

(At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and I explain the situation. She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

Me: “Oh. My. God.”

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