Wait For It To Come While I Go

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 3, 2018

I work at a higher-end grocery store in New York on the maintenance crew. I am a girl, and my job on maintenance is to basically get into the women’s bathroom every so often and restock supplies and wipe down the counters. Nothing too bad.

I was in there today, waiting to replace toilet paper in an occupied stall. An older woman, at least in her 70s, came out and asked if I needed to get into the stall. I told her yes, and she said she would do it for me, but I told her I would get in when she was finished doing her business.

She walked out of the stall and told me just how much she had to take a dump, in detail, and how she kept walking around the bathroom as she “waited for it to come.” She also told me how much she hated doing this in public. She talked and rambled for around five minutes.

I had absolutely no idea how to respond, but was polite and listened as she was old, no matter how much I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

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Setting Them Straight About Wolf-Whistling

, , , , , | Healthy | February 2, 2018

(I am having a horribly frustrating day at this point. I’m overworked. The weather is horrible. Walking back to work, a construction worker with his mates wolf-whistles at a girl a couple of feet ahead of me.)

Me: *turning to face him* “Thanks, mate, but sorry; I’m straight.”

(The guy went red as his mates laughed. Made me feel better.)

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Slyther Into That Conversation

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 2, 2018

(I’m ringing out a woman and her daughter when I hear the daughter talking about her and her friends coming up with a Nimbus 2002, based on the flying brooms from Harry Potter. Being a fan, I chime in.)

Me: “You know, I always wondered why they never customized their brooms.”

Girl: “Customized?”

Mom: “Made them special.”

Me: “Like, the Slytherins would have green and silver, and the Gryffindors would have red and gold.”

Girl: “Scarlet and gold.”

(The mom laughs.)

Mom: “So, which house is your favorite?”

Me: “Definitely Gryffindor.”

Girl: “I like Slytherin.”

Mom: “She likes the bad guys.”

Girl: “Like Malfoy.”

Me: “Ugh, wait until my father hears about this!”

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Totally Estúpido! Part 3

, , , , , , | Friendly | February 1, 2018

(For some reason, tourists, especially American tourists, assume Portuguese people can speak Spanish, and consider it acceptable to approach someone and speak to them in Spanish — in horrible Spanish, I must say. Contrary to their beliefs, we Portuguese despise being spoken to in Spanish, as it is not our language. It is a sunny summer day. I am walking through Lisbon, and I have already been spoken to in Spanish four times. This fifth time, I have had enough. Beside Portuguese, I am also fluent in German.)

Stranger: *in Spanish* “Hello. Can you tell me how to get to Rossio?”

Me: *in English, hoping they’d catch the clue* “Hello. I am sorry. I couldn’t understand you; could you repeat yourself, please?”

Stranger: *in Spanish, once again* “Can you tell me how to get to Rossio?”

Me: *in German* “Ah, of course, Rossio. You just go straight ahead, turn left at the next…”

Stranger: *interrupting me, in English this time* “I don’t speak that gibberish. Can’t you speak in a language I understand?”

Me: *in English, before walking away* “And I don’t speak Spanish. If you’re in Portugal and need something, speak Portuguese or English!”

Related:
Totally Estupido, Part 2
Totally Estupido

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In A Rush To Make A Fool Of Himself

, , , , | Friendly | February 1, 2018

(I am standing in line at a fast food place that recently started taking contactless payment. My student card, thanks to my university’s contacts, is able to make such payments, so I usually have it on me. Suddenly, a well-dressed man cuts in front of me just before I can make my order at the cashier. Being a quiet person, I simply wave off the cashier who wants to serve me first instead of the man. There is no one else behind me, because it is after the lunch rush. The man, without an apology, rattles off his order and makes sure to mention that he is “in a rush.” Yet, when it comes time to pay, he discovers that he does not have enough paper and metal currency to pay for his meal upgrades. Irritated and mildly ashamed, he steps to the waiting line next to him. I step up to the cashier.)

Me: “Afternoon! I would like set six, no upsize.”

Cashier: “That will be $7.99, miss.”

Me: *holds up student card*

(To the man’s surprise, I only had to pay with a tap of my card, and quickly joined him. He kept his head down as I waited patiently behind him, noticing how the cashier had a big smile and was trying to hide her amusement. The man’s order came, and he quickly rushed out of the restaurant, forgetting his fries and sauces. Since he didn’t come back by the time my order arrived, the cashier placed my order on his tray, with a meal coupon tucked under my burger. Hope he reached his work on time.)

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