Someone Hates Their Job Extra Today

I never usually answer my phone for numbers I do not recognize. I am waiting for a call from my resident advisor regarding a dorming matter; he has my number but I do not have his. My phone rings and I assume it is him, so I answer it.

Me: “What’s up?!”

Scammer: “Hello, miss. We have been trying to get a hold of you for quite some time. Your computer has a serious bug and you need to act fast!”

I have nothing better to do, so let’s play along.

Me: “Really? D***. Which computer is it on?”

Scammer: “It is on your main computer. We need your details so we can log in and help get rid of the bug.”

Me: “Well, I have a couple of computers, so you really need to nail it down.”

Scammer: “Whichever one you use the most, that is the one.”

Me: “But I make sure to use them equally every day. If I didn’t, they would get upset with me!” *Whispering* “We wouldn’t like it if they got upset. You know what I mean?”

Scammer: “Um, no, I’m not really sure, but your computer has a—”

Me: “Yes, yes, a bug.” *Lowers voice* “But which ONNNNEEEEE?”

Scammer: “Miss—”

Me: “Shhh! Not so loud! They can hear us!”

Scammer: “Who?”

Me: *Practically scream-whispering* “THE COMPUTERS. THEY’RE ALWAYS WATCHING. ALWAYS. WATCHING.”

Scammer: “Okay, I’m just going to—”

Me: *Now literally screaming* “AND THE DAY SHALL COME WHEN FIRE DESCENDS UPON THE EARTH AND THE DEVIL WILL CLAW HIS WAY UP FROM HELL. ONLY THE HOLY WILL BE SPARED. THE COMPUTERS ARE BEHIND IT. THEY. ARE. EVVVVIIIIIILLLLLLLLL—”

I made sure to draw out the evil until I heard the distinctive click of the scammer hanging up. Game, set, match.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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