Raising The Bar For Flirting

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 2, 2021

It’s January of 2009. I am a regular at a bar a few blocks from my house. One of the bartenders is absolutely eye-catching: tall, blonde, busty, leggy, and openly transgender. She gets hit on at least twenty times a night by drunk customers. I know she would resent it — and turn me down — if I were to go over to her and use spoken words to hit on her, so I devise a different plan.

I take one of my social cards — a card with my name, phone number, and email on it — and tuck it inside a written note.

My Note: “I have been admiring you and crushing on you for months. I can’t believe how well you handle all the drunks who say crude things about you. You are clearly kind, caring, patient, and good-hearted, as well as beautiful. If you’d like to contact me, feel free. My information is enclosed.”

I hand the note to the bar’s owner and tell her to pass it to the bartender in question when she gets off shift (which I know will be in a few minutes). The owner does so, and when the bartender reads it, I can see the owner pointing toward me. I leave after the game I’m watching is finished.

The next day, the owner passes me a note from the bartender.

Bartender’s Note: “If I wasn’t already in a relationship, I’d call you. Thanks for not being a jerk like the other dudes.” 

Fast forward to July of 2009. I’m sitting on a park bench watching people tossing Frisbees, kicking soccer balls, and picnicking, when my favorite bartender walks up along with a tall brunette. The brunette introduces herself as the bartender’s romantic partner.

Brunette: “Thank you for doing what you did when you did it. [Bartender] was going through a really rough mental health period, and having someone say nice things about her rather than just hearing drunks leer at her chest and legs helped get her back into a good mental state.”

As of now, they’re still together, and both are doing well now that the worst of the global health crisis has passed.

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Truly Beautiful Instant Karma

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 18, 2021

I’m in a coffee shop with my very attractive female friend. She’s the sort of attractive that if you stare directly at her you get mesmerized. A group of young men has come in to queue, and one guy has completely blocked the walkway with his body. My friend is coming back from the toilet. She gets to the back of the guy, who’s laughing with his mates.

Friend: *Cheerfully* “Excuse me, please.”

She is ignored; they don’t seem to see her.

Friend: *A bit less cheerfully* “Um… excuse me, please?”

She is ignored again.

Friend: *Raising her voice* “Erm, I’m sorry, but could I just get past, please?”

She is once again ignored.

Friend: *Snapping* “MOVE!”

The guy turns, looking all irritated.

Guy: “Listen, you stupid b****, men are talking. You could have asked nice—”

He stops, taking her in. He’s stupefied. I’m sure he’s hearing an angelic choir. His mates are looking between the awed guy and my annoyed friend.

Nearby Old Lady: “She asked nicely three times, you oblivious ignoramus! NOW GET OUT OF THE WALKWAY!”

The guy scurries into the line properly. My friend thanks the lady and rejoins me. We’re chatting and the guy rocks up with his coffee. His mates are watching and one is shaking his head.

Guy: *To my friend* “Hey.” 

There’s a really awkward pause as my friend clearly ignores him.

Guy: “You’re beautiful.”

He’s still ignored.

Guy: “I’m sorry for being in the way”

Still ignored.

Guy: “I’m… wondering if I could get your number?”

Friend: *Not looking at him* “This stupid b**** doesn’t date oblivious ignoramuses.”

Guy: “Er. I’m sorry for—”

Me: “Oh, piss off. Even your friends know you’re making a t**t of yourself. Stop giving them more to roast you with later.”

There was an awkward shuffle of shame as he headed back to his laughing mates.

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The Language Barrier Isn’t Empfindlich

, , , , | Romantic | April 30, 2021

I majored in German in college and spent my junior year living in Germany. I was extremely socially inept back then. I made friends with this guy and he came to the dorm to hang out with me. He was a really big guy who looked a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We were sitting around and he took my hand.

Friend: “Your skin is very… empfindlich.”

Me: “What does ‘empfindlich’ mean?”

Friend: “It means… easily broken.”

I freaked out and never hung out with him again. Looking back at it, I realize that he had a crush on me and he was actually trying to be romantic. He meant my skin was “delicate.”

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The Ol’ Bait And Switch

, , , , | Working | April 12, 2021

It’s a Saturday afternoon and the late shift has started. I am working and a young female coworker calls a young male coworker.

Female Coworker: *A little seductively* “Hello, I was just wondering… Do you have any specific plans tonight?”

[Male Coworker] confirms that he does not have any plans; he’s just chilling.

Female Coworker: *Sternly* “Great, so you’d better come and work your hours today, as scheduled!”

Luckily, he lived nearby and was at work five minutes later.

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Work Cuter, Not Harder

, , , , | Working | March 5, 2021

I used to have a coworker that was very pretty, slim, and tall. As we worked in a factory mainly employing men, she received a lot of attention.

While some would have struggled with the attention, she loved it. She would have pretty much strangers buying her food, opening doors, getting her coffee, taking her rubbish away, etc. To be fair to her, she never encouraged it or led the guys on, but she never discouraged it, either.

More than anything, it appeared a bit pathetic to me; men would fall over each other to try to impress her, but she clearly wasn’t interested in them.

A few months in, she admitted to me that she hated her job, but as she didn’t have to do any work, she could spend the day on Facebook.

This surprised me. Everyone in the office was stressed. We had massive deadlines and a huge amount of pressure. Many people had left the company because of stress. Some roles only had a nine-month expectancy. So, how was this possible?

I started to pay attention. She would get a task and then straight away approach one of the male workers and ask them for help. She actually gave a job to one guy and then went for a coffee with a friend.

I saw her get away with this for months until a new boss, a woman, started. Suddenly, she wasn’t able to get rid of these jobs and was expected to do them herself. Only then did she admit — in a flood of tears — that she didn’t know how; she had spent a year fluttering her eyelashes and never learnt to do her own job!

She spent six months on probation before it was understood that she didn’t have even a clue and she was fired.

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