Should Have Seen That Date Coming

, , , | Romantic | April 24, 2019

(My roommates convince me to go to my first college party with them. Inevitably, I meet a guy. While we’re making out on the couch:)

Guy: “What’s your major?”

Me: “Psychology.”

Guy: “Woah, you’re psychic?! Are you gonna read my mind?”

(I haven’t been to another party since.)

Women Are From Venus…

, , , , , | Romantic | April 9, 2019

(When I teach, I like to use interesting and practical examples whenever I can to keep the students engaged. We’re doing an essay on problem-solving, so I decide to show “The Martian” in class to study the character’s problem-solving skills. [Student #2] has been subtly flirting with [Student #1] all semester to no avail.)

Me: “All right, guys, make sure you’re taking notes about what problems you see and what the character does to solve them.”

Student #1: “I can’t wait! I loved the book so much!”

Student #2: *[trying to impress [Student #1]* “Uh, yeah! I did, too!”

Student #1: “Really? I didn’t think you liked to read.”

Student #2: *fake scoff* “I said I don’t like fiction, but this is based off of a true story.”

Me: “…”

(Needless to say, that romance went nowhere.)

Can’t Finnish What She Started

, , , , , | Right Romantic | March 7, 2019

(I work with an EMS group and we are taking people’s blood pressure for free. I am taking an older woman’s blood pressure. I am a young, white, blonde, blue-eyed guy.)

Woman: “Are you finished?”

Me: “No, I just started.”

Woman: “No, no. Are you Finnish? My granddaughter is Finnish—“ *points to her beautiful, blonde granddaughter* “—and she is single.”

Me: “Oh, no, sorry. I’m married.”

Customer Next To Me: “I’m Finnish!”

(I bet you $5 he wasn’t.)

That’s The Pay To Do It

, , , , , | Romantic | March 7, 2019

(My husband and I are in the bedroom. He’s very tired but he’s playing with our eleven-month-old baby on our bed so I can fold and put away the laundry. As I pull a shirt out of the basket, I see a dollar bill which I gleefully wave around.)

Me: “I just got paid!

Husband: *sleepily* “Good, now go buy yourself something nice.”

Me: *in a pretend pout* “You’re supposed to stick that into my bra when you say that!”

Falling And Failing

, , , , , , , | Right | March 2, 2019

(I’m a young woman in my late twenties — though I do look younger — walking home one evening. I pass a woman, vaguely noting there’s a boy, maybe twelve or so, behind her heading in my direction. As I walk past, the boy suddenly falls. I start to bend towards him, to help him up.)

Boy: “Sorry, I just fell for you.”

(I can’t help laughing as he stands up, thinking he’s saying it to save face.)

Me: “Very smooth.”

Boy: “So, how about it?”

(I shake my head and start to head on, now assuming it’s a joke)

Boy: “I’ll take you to [Coffee Shop]!”

(I laugh, shake my head, and keep walking.)

Boy: “F***. Why doesn’t it ever work?”

(I’m still in two minds as to how serious I thought he was being, though I’m fairly sure it was a joke. I decided not to suggest that if he is going to go for random strangers, he might want to try someone who’s not over twice his age!)

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