Boyfriends For Everyone!

, , , , | | Right | July 16, 2019

(I’m a gay man in my mid-20s and have been in a long-distance relationship for about a year. I am at work helping customers when I notice two rather small ladies — no more than five feet tall — who look to be in their early 20s, looking at some large storage sheds that require at least two people to move.)

Me: *after approaching them* “Did you two need help with the storage sheds?”

(Neither responds, so as per policy, I try again.)

Me: “Did you two need help with anything today?”

Lady #1: “Look. I’m married and she has a boyfriend. We’re not interested!”

([Lady #2] just giggles.)

Me: “Yay! I’ve got a boyfriend, as well!” *shows her my ring that’s half of a matching set I bought us* “So, once again, I’m asking if you two need any help?”

(The two of them went red in the face and shook their heads, saying they didn’t need help. About twenty minutes later, a coworker called on the radio for help getting two storage sheds, and a male coworker and I went to help. It was for both of the ladies who I’d talked to before. I didn’t say anything; I let my coworker tell them we were going to take the shed to the front, and they looked embarrassed about the whole thing. I’m hoping this was a little bit of a lesson on not making assumptions, especially when it’s a worker at a store that has to ask if you need help.)

Because Men And Women Can’t Just Be Friends

, , , , | | Romantic | July 1, 2019

(A large group of us goes bowling one night after church. There are some new people in our group, including one particular guy who has decided to follow me around all night, attempting to enter every conversation I’m in. I’ve been able to avoid being alone with him so far, but when one friend gets up to take her turn, he slides into her seat.)

New Guy: “So, you’re [My Name], right?”

Me: “That’s me.”

New Guy: “I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but you’re pretty popular around here.”

Me: “And your name is…?”

New Guy: “Oh, sorry. I’m [New Guy]. It’s my first time. Do you guys always do big group stuff like this?”

Me: “Oh, yeah. It’s more fun that way.”

New Guy: *scoots closer* “So, are you single? Because I’d love to get to know you better…”

Me: “Um…”

(In one of those rare and perfectly-timed moments, one of my guy friends hops over the bench we’re sitting on and plants himself between me and the new guy.)

Guy Friend: “[My Name], what’s up? I feel like I haven’t talked to you all night. How’s life? How’s your bowling score?”

Me: “You know very well that you’re going to kick my butt, as always!”

Guy Friend: “Let it be known that you said it, I didn’t.” *turns to the new guy* “How’s it going, bro? Don’t think we’ve met. I’m [Guy Friend].”

New Guy: “Oh, fine. I get it.” *gets up and walks away*

Me: “Has anyone ever told you that you have insanely good timing?”

Guy Friend: *laughs* “You had that deer-in-the-headlights look.”

Good-Looking People Get Whistled At

, , , , , | | Working | June 19, 2019

(I am entering the train station to take a train home after a long day of work. As I step onto the platform, I see the train is already there and about to depart. I start running, but the train whistle sounds and all the doors but one close. I sprint towards the open door and manage to get onto the train. Inside I find two female conductors: a young woman and a middle-aged woman.)

Older Conductor: *to the younger* “If you keep doing this, no one will learn the rule that they shouldn’t try to get onto a train after the whistle has sounded.”

Younger Conductor: “Yes, I know, but I just couldn’t bear to close the door in his handsome face.”

Older Conductor: *looking me up and down* “Yeah, I can understand that.”

Me: *turns a bright shade of red and shuffles off to find a seat*

“D***, Jackie, I Can’t Control The Weather!”

, , , , , | | Romantic | June 15, 2019

(When my parents are dating, my dad is very shy about trying to “make a move,” so my mom tries to hurry things along. She convinces him to go outside and look at the full moon on a cold night.)

Mom: “My hands are cold.” *moves closer to my dad*

Dad: “Why don’t you put your hands in your pocket?”

(They eventually got it together and have been married for 46 years. So, when I started dating a guy I really liked, one of our early dates was to a football game that was really cold. He had also been shy about “making a move,” so I tried moving closer and saying that I was cold. He got up and went to the concession stand for hot chocolate. We’ve been married for three years.)

Should Have Seen That Date Coming

, , , | Romantic | April 24, 2019

(My roommates convince me to go to my first college party with them. Inevitably, I meet a guy. While we’re making out on the couch:)

Guy: “What’s your major?”

Me: “Psychology.”

Guy: “Woah, you’re psychic?! Are you gonna read my mind?”

(I haven’t been to another party since.)

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