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You Gotta Prioritize, Dude

, , , , , | Working | August 21, 2021

I booked a trip to Mallorca, Spain; however, it was cancelled at the last minute for obvious reasons during the current health crisis. I had spent a long, depressing year cooped up in my apartment, had been laid off from my job of eight years as my employer was teetering on the brink of bankruptcy, my birthday was coming up… I really wanted an escape!

I returned to the same travel agency from where I had booked my previous excursion and patiently waited nearly a half an hour while the only available agent was with another customer. When it was finally my turn, the agent and I discussed visiting the Canary Islands. He showed me an attractive package.

Me: “I’ll take it!”

And whipped out my credit card.

Suddenly, a fairly attractive older woman looking to be somewhere in her forties appeared in the doorway. She was sporting a plastic-foil-tight leopard-spotted dress that extended just below her butt and no further, and she was wearing more makeup than Marilyn Manson.

Agent: *To me* “Could you excuse me for just two minutes? This lady here had something booked, and she’s going to pay, sign some papers, and be right out of here. Two minutes, tops.”

Internally annoyed at being bumped back into the waiting queue even though it was clearly MY turn — not to mention that I literally had my credit card out and ready to do business — I said that would be okay, and I went back into the waiting room.

Two minutes turned into five, five minutes turned into ten, and ten turned into fifteen. I went and looked into an adjacent window to the office and observed both of them sitting at the desk, leaning forward across so close that their heads were only inches apart, and the agent had this dreamy smile on his face.

I’m sure he had that same dreamy smile on his face when he went out to the waiting room to find it empty.

He later emailed me and apologized for the “unexpected delay,” not that it benefited him at all.

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She So Didn’t Ace This One

, , , , , , | Romantic | August 6, 2021

I’m a cis female. I go with some friends of mine to an LGBT bar to celebrate my friend’s birthday, and we’re all dressed up for it. The bar is also a popular place for LGBT people to hook up. I’m at the bar to order a drink when another woman approaches me.

Woman: “Hey, listen, you’re really cute. I know you’re here with a group of people, but do you want to hang out with me, instead? See where the night goes?”

Me: “Thanks, but I’m not interested.”

The woman very quickly gets put out.

Woman: “Wait, are you straight?! Because these bars are supposed to be a safe place for gay people.”

Me: “One, I’m not making it any less safe. Two, I’m not straight.”

Woman: “You’re not straight?”

Me: “No.”

Woman: “But you’re not a lesbian?”

Me: “Bit of a jump from ‘not interested’ to ‘not a lesbian,’ but no. And I’m not bi, either, before you guess.”

The woman is looking very confused by this point, but the bartender who is returning with my drink nods to my wallet: a flag made of black, grey, white, and purple stripes.

Bartender: “She’s ace, love.”

Me: “Aromantic, as well. Shoot for the moon if you want, honey, but you’re going to be lucky if you make it to Wollongong.”

But seriously, who sees that someone who is clearly there with a group of friends and celebrating, and decides, “Surely this individual will want to hook up!”?

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Raising The Bar For Flirting

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 2, 2021

It’s January of 2009. I am a regular at a bar a few blocks from my house. One of the bartenders is absolutely eye-catching: tall, blonde, busty, leggy, and openly transgender. She gets hit on at least twenty times a night by drunk customers. I know she would resent it — and turn me down — if I were to go over to her and use spoken words to hit on her, so I devise a different plan.

I take one of my social cards — a card with my name, phone number, and email on it — and tuck it inside a written note.

My Note: “I have been admiring you and crushing on you for months. I can’t believe how well you handle all the drunks who say crude things about you. You are clearly kind, caring, patient, and good-hearted, as well as beautiful. If you’d like to contact me, feel free. My information is enclosed.”

I hand the note to the bar’s owner and tell her to pass it to the bartender in question when she gets off shift (which I know will be in a few minutes). The owner does so, and when the bartender reads it, I can see the owner pointing toward me. I leave after the game I’m watching is finished.

The next day, the owner passes me a note from the bartender.

Bartender’s Note: “If I wasn’t already in a relationship, I’d call you. Thanks for not being a jerk like the other dudes.” 

Fast forward to July of 2009. I’m sitting on a park bench watching people tossing Frisbees, kicking soccer balls, and picnicking, when my favorite bartender walks up along with a tall brunette. The brunette introduces herself as the bartender’s romantic partner.

Brunette: “Thank you for doing what you did when you did it. [Bartender] was going through a really rough mental health period, and having someone say nice things about her rather than just hearing drunks leer at her chest and legs helped get her back into a good mental state.”

As of now, they’re still together, and both are doing well now that the worst of the global health crisis has passed.

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Truly Beautiful Instant Karma

, , , , , , | Friendly | May 18, 2021

I’m in a coffee shop with my very attractive female friend. She’s the sort of attractive that if you stare directly at her you get mesmerized. A group of young men has come in to queue, and one guy has completely blocked the walkway with his body. My friend is coming back from the toilet. She gets to the back of the guy, who’s laughing with his mates.

Friend: *Cheerfully* “Excuse me, please.”

She is ignored; they don’t seem to see her.

Friend: *A bit less cheerfully* “Um… excuse me, please?”

She is ignored again.

Friend: *Raising her voice* “Erm, I’m sorry, but could I just get past, please?”

She is once again ignored.

Friend: *Snapping* “MOVE!”

The guy turns, looking all irritated.

Guy: “Listen, you stupid b****, men are talking. You could have asked nice—”

He stops, taking her in. He’s stupefied. I’m sure he’s hearing an angelic choir. His mates are looking between the awed guy and my annoyed friend.

Nearby Old Lady: “She asked nicely three times, you oblivious ignoramus! NOW GET OUT OF THE WALKWAY!”

The guy scurries into the line properly. My friend thanks the lady and rejoins me. We’re chatting and the guy rocks up with his coffee. His mates are watching and one is shaking his head.

Guy: *To my friend* “Hey.” 

There’s a really awkward pause as my friend clearly ignores him.

Guy: “You’re beautiful.”

He’s still ignored.

Guy: “I’m sorry for being in the way”

Still ignored.

Guy: “I’m… wondering if I could get your number?”

Friend: *Not looking at him* “This stupid b**** doesn’t date oblivious ignoramuses.”

Guy: “Er. I’m sorry for—”

Me: “Oh, piss off. Even your friends know you’re making a t**t of yourself. Stop giving them more to roast you with later.”

There was an awkward shuffle of shame as he headed back to his laughing mates.

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The Language Barrier Isn’t Empfindlich

, , , , | Romantic | April 30, 2021

I majored in German in college and spent my junior year living in Germany. I was extremely socially inept back then. I made friends with this guy and he came to the dorm to hang out with me. He was a really big guy who looked a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We were sitting around and he took my hand.

Friend: “Your skin is very… empfindlich.”

Me: “What does ‘empfindlich’ mean?”

Friend: “It means… easily broken.”

I freaked out and never hung out with him again. Looking back at it, I realize that he had a crush on me and he was actually trying to be romantic. He meant my skin was “delicate.”

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