Managed To Turn It All Around

, , , , | Romantic | September 13, 2017

(My boyfriend is working in the study as I’m coming out of the bathroom. I enter the study, completely naked, and stand behind him.)

Me: “Hi, I’m a distraction.”

Boyfriend: “Then I won’t turn around, because I don’t like those.” *keeps tapping away on the computer*

(Suddenly, I see a little video-screen displaying the study pop up on the computer screen. The image is clearly coming from the webcam on the computer. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for my boyfriend, my naked body is completely covered by the back of the chair. We both begin to laugh uncontrollably.)

Boyfriend: “Drat! Now I have to turn around anyway!” *turns around and gives me a kiss*

Trying To Date Sheldon Cooper

, , | Romantic | August 2, 2017

(It’s early in the evening and there’s only one guest, a woman in her early twenties, but soon a guy around the same age comes in and takes a place at her table. Since it’s very quiet I involuntarily overhear their conversation from the bar I’m standing at.)

Woman: “Hey, honey; how was your appointment?”

Man: “Crazy! That new doctor asked me if my Asperger’s is diagnosed! Can you believe her?”

(The woman bursts out laughing.)

Man: “What?!”

Woman: “You remember that time before we started dating and I asked you if you want to come to my place and watch Iron Man? You declined because you don’t like superhero movies…”

Man: “A guy can miss a cue once in a while.”

Woman: “You do realize that I’d been desperately flirting with you for almost a year at that point?”

Man: “WHAT? You were?!”

(I somehow think that new doctor was onto something.)

Unsolicited Hookups Really Get My Goat

, , , , | Romantic | July 13, 2017

(As a bit of a backstory, I am demisexual, which is on the asexuality scale. Usually leads to some interesting conversation, especially whenever I go out to a bar. As I’m enjoying my night, I get approached by this guy trying to get an easy hookup. He makes a pass and I gently turn him down.)

Me: “Sorry, I’m not into that sort of stuff. I’m asexual.” *my usual response because it’s a h*** of a lot easier than trying to explain demisexuality, etc.*

Guy: “The f*** does that mean?”

Me: “It means I’m not interested in hooking up?”

Guy: “So, do you not like sex then?”

Me: “I mean, to oversimplify it, sure.”

Guy: “Nah, that sounds f*****. You probably just haven’t had a partner that knows how to get you going.”

Me: “Considering I’m a virgin, I highly doubt it.”

Guy: “Wait, if you’ve never had sex, how do you know you don’t like it?”

Me: “Would you f*** a goat?”

Guy: *sputtering* “F***, no. That’s disgusting.”

Me: “Well, how do you know you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?”

Guy: “…you’re a b****.”

This Just Isn’t Going To Cowork

, , , , | Romantic | June 23, 2017

(I am 17 and my coworker is old enough to be my mother. One day her son, who is a little older than I am, comes to bring her lunch while I’m working. The next day…)

Coworker: “So, [Son] had a lot of questions about you last night.”

Me: “Questions? All I did was let him in the door.”

Coworker: “He thought you were real pretty! Wanted to know if I had your number in my phone.”

Me: “Was he disappointed when you didn’t?”

Coworker: *laughing* “He was. If we didn’t work together I’d be rooting for you, though. I know you’re not crazy like his last girlfriend.”

(The next week her son is in the office again and waggles his eyebrows at me, walking in my direction. Suddenly, my coworker reaches up and grabs his shirt collar.)

Coworker: “[Son], I never thought I’d have to tell you this, but you are not allowed to date MY coworkers!”

Flirtation Comes With Part Of The Package

, , , , , | Right | June 4, 2017

(This took place a few years ago when I was working for a well known cheap clothes shop. I’m usually just a cashier but I have been asked to tidy up the men’s section. A middle aged woman approaches me; her late-teens son is hanging in the background.)

Customer: “What size boxers does my son need?” *calls him over*

Me: *a bit taken aback* “Oh, uhm, what size is he usually in boxers?”

(At this point I’m feeling so sorry for her son; he looks so embarrassed!)

Customer: “Well, he’s usually a medium as he has quite a big package!”

Me: *inside I’m cringing as I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!* “The medium boxers here should fit, then! Anything else you need help with?”

Customer: “Yes, are you single? My son is such a lovely young man, you know!”

Me: “I’m sure he is madam, but I’m taken. Sorry!”

(I quickly scurried away and begged to be put back on tills! That poor boy!)

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