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He Was A Zombie, She Was A Schoolgirl; Can I Make It Any More Obvious?

, , , , , , , | Romantic | October 31, 2022

It’s my freshman year of college, and I’m dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl for Halloween — I know, sooo original. I go to an off-campus dorm to hang out, and one of the college baseball players is there. We have been flirting for months, so we’re both happy to see each other.

Me: “You’re a zombie baseball player?”

Crush: “Yeah! I didn’t have a lot of time or money, so I just ripped up some old baseball gear and put some bloody makeup on my face. And you’re a…”

Me: “Catholic schoolgirl. Just seemed… fun?”

We drank a little and laughed, and eventually, we started making out. Finally, we went back to his place. I slept over and he called me a cab home. He gave me an XL baseball shirt to wear back, but I still had on my knee socks, plaid skirt, heels, and a mixture of my own makeup plus zombie makeup all over my face.

The cab dropped me off in front of my dorm… and I emerged into a huge CAMPUS TOUR for prospective students. I wanted to die.

Is This A Thing? I Don’t Think It’s A Thing. Part 2

, , , , , , | Romantic | September 17, 2022

It’s the busy holiday season, and I’m helping a man find a gift for his wife. He’s not sure what he should get her, but he’s very polite, so I don’t mind taking some time to discuss options.

After he selects a lovely (and quite expensive) diamond ring, I check him out at the register. He takes his bag and turns to leave, and then he turns back and casually asks me the following.

Customer: “Oh, also, can I have your number?”

He’s so casual that it catches me completely off-guard.

Me: “Can you… what now?”

Customer: “Oh, this?” *Gestures to the gift bag* “This is a divorce gift.”

I’m stunned speechless for a second.

Me: “A… huh?”

Customer: “I’m divorcing her.”

Me: “WHAT?!”

I look back and forth from him to the jewelry bag, trying to wrap my head around this.

Me: “A divorce gift?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

He says this pleasantly like we’re making completely normal small-talk.

Customer: “So, anyway, can I have your number?”

Me: “Ummm… NO!”

Related:
Is This A Thing? I Don’t Think It’s A Thing.

What A Weird Way (And Time And Place) To Flirt

, , , , | Right | September 13, 2022

My mother works in cardiology.

Patient’s Dad: “So, you work with hearts?”

Mother: “Yep!”

Patient’s Dad: “Oh. I wonder if you could heal a broken heart.”

Mother: “Um… I don’t know about that.”

The guy’s wife was RIGHT THERE.

This Strategy Didn’t Quite Hook Up

, , , , | Romantic | September 11, 2022

I have been modeling bridal gowns for fifteen years despite having never been married. After starting a job aboard a cruise ship, I have several men give me their phone numbers.

One man in particular has made his intentions clear; he’s looking for a hookup. He has asked me for a picture of myself. I’m not the hookup type and have told him once before, so to get my point across this time, I send him a picture of myself at a bridal gown fitting — no makeup, hair not done, and bad lighting. My line of thinking is that sending him the picture of me in a wedding dress will get him to ghost me.

Here’s what happens via text.

Man: “Wooooo, you are beautiful! That’s last night?”

Me: “That’s me in a wedding dress.”

Man: “You’re married?”

Me: “I’m not married, just wearing the dress.”

Man: “You look so beautiful!”

Me: *Out loud* “THAT DIDN’T WORK?!”

After facepalming, I told him again that I’m not the hookup type and the topic never came up again.

That’s… Flattering? But Weird.

, , , , | Right | July 29, 2022

I worked on a card set for a corporation. I sent a proof to the client, and he called me about ten minutes later.

Client: “Hey! I’ve received the proof, and I just want to let you know that you’re seriously the s***. You’re the s***.”

Me: “Oh, well… thanks. Just doing my job, but I’m glad you like it. What can I do for you?”

Client: “Send the job to production. But I was actually calling because my friend wants to know if you’re single.”

Client’s Friend: *Screaming in the background* “Girl, are you single?!”