Good Thing They’re Not Driving

, , , , , | Right | November 1, 2018

(I’m the customer in this one. Our local bus station has multiple routes that leave from the same stand. They often go in similar directions at first, but their ultimate destinations can be very different. The route number and destination are always clearly labelled on the front and side of the bus.)

Customer: “Excuse me, is this the 13 or the 14 bus?”

Driver: “Umm, it should say on the side; it’s the 14.”

Customer: “So, is it going to [Destination of the 13] or [Destination of the 14]?”

Driver: “…It’s going to [Destination of the 14].”

Customer: “Oh…”

(The customer gets off the bus. I’m next to get on.)

Me: *pretty loudly* “Remember when people were able to read?”

Driver: “Heh, yep.”

Next Customer: “Excuse me, is this the 13 or the 14 bus?”

A Busload Of Entitlement

, , , | Right | October 13, 2018

(I overhear this from the back of my private school bus. The company runs a public service, also. We pass a broken-down bus from the same company, and they hail us down.)

Customer: “Excuse me. We need to get on this bus. I need to be at my job in five minutes.”

(The nearest bus stop is over 15 minutes away.)

Bus Driver: “Sorry, madam, but this is a school bus to [School]. You can’t be on here for safety regulations.”

Customer: *getting irate and red faced* “Don’t make a fool of me, young man. You are going to let me on this bus; it clearly says, ‘[Bus Company],’ on the side of the bus.”

Bus Driver: *trying to stay polite* “I know, madam, but I cannot let you on to this bus; you need to wait for the next public bus to get on.”

Customer: *barges past driver with smug face* “Well, you have to take me now; otherwise, all these children will be late for school!”

Bus Driver: “Madam, please get off the bus; I need to take the bus elsewhere.”

Customer: “No, and if I’m any later for my job and get fired, I’ll come here and steal yours, just like you steal jobs from the good English people of my country.”

(The bus driver is of foreign descent.)

Bus Driver: *reluctantly* “Fine, you can stay on the bus.”

(The woman stayed on until her stop and left, but not before flipping off the bus driver.)

Every Bus Has That One Weirdo

, , , , , | Friendly | October 9, 2018

(This is, more-or-less verbatim, a weird conversation I hear on the crowded bus:)

Giant Guy: “Oh, you can sit next to me. I don’t bite. I’ve got nine kids.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, okay.”

Giant Guy: “Where are you from?”

Young Female Student: “Vietnam.”

Giant Guy: “Oh, yeah? I met a guy the other day that served in Vietnam during the war. He said all he had to do was, ‘ratatatat.’” *makes shooting motion*

Young Female Student: “Oh.”

Giant Guy: “I always felt bad about what we did there, though.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “So, how old are you? My eldest is 39, you know. Man, how time flies.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “What are you studying? I can tell you, all you need education-wise is the Bible.”

Young Female Student: “Yeah.”

Giant Guy: “I guess you have to have a degree these days, but Christ is king, you know. You can have all the book smarts in the world, and if you don’t have street smarts, you can’t make it. I know because I’m hustling everyday.”

Young Female Student: “Mhmm.” *nods head*

Giant Guy: “Yeah, man, I got saved when I was 32 because I put a gun to my head and I heard a voice that said, ‘Don’t do it, man,’ and I knew that was Jesus.”

Young Female Student: “Oh, wow.”

Giant Guy: “Yeah. It was nice talking to you and all. I knew it would be, because I can read people, you know? Do you know what that means?”

Young Female Student: “Yes, uh-huh.”

(Thankfully her stop and my stop was next. She made sure he wasn’t following. This is why you keep your headphones on and stare at your phone.)

Unfiltered Story #121007

, , , | Unfiltered | September 18, 2018

(I’m currently on the city bus as it approaches the transfer center. The bus is running late so rather than keep the other buses late, the driver radios that he has no transfers for them so they’re long gone before we arrive. I stay on the bus while two women approach the driver)

Woman: Can I get a transfer slip?

Driver: …what?

Woman: I need to take the [other bus line] to [popular store].

Driver: All the buses have left. I asked three times if there were any transfers and nobody said anything so I told the buses they could leave.

Woman: Oh…so what do I do now?

Driver: You’re going to have to wait an hour to catch the next bus. I asked three times if there was anyone transferring. Didn’t you hear me?

Woman: I didn’t know what you meant.

(Yet she knew to ask for a transfer slip… The kicker was the woman behind her wanted a transfer slip for a third bus line)

Not Talking Turkey This Thanksgiving

, , , , , , , | Friendly | September 15, 2018

This happened in the 1990s when tokens were the main way to pay for public transit.

A friend of mine got on a bus around Thanksgiving. After he got on, a weird-looking guy carrying a huge frozen turkey got on the bus. He dropped a token in the slot ostentatiously, announcing, “This one’s for me,” and then did it again, saying, “This one’s for the turkey.” Then he sat down and put the turkey in the seat next to him.

As the bus went along its route, it started to fill up. At a certain point, there were no empty seats left. A lady went up to the guy and asked him to move his turkey so she could sit down. At that point, the guy said dramatically, “The turkey pays, the turkey stays.” The bus driver confirmed that the man had paid for the turkey’s seat, so there was nothing the lady could do about it.

Frankly, I think he was brilliant for buying a seat for his turkey — carrying a frozen, 20-pound object on your lap would not be fun!

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