You’re Being Followed

, , , , , | Working | December 15, 2017

(I work on a customized double decker bus that helps people at night. One of our volunteers is notorious for having the worst farts ever.)

Volunteer #1: *farts*

Shift Leader: “ABANDON SHIP!”

(Everyone leaves to escape the gas except one volunteer who was upstairs, thinking he was safe. A minute passes…)

Volunteer #2: *sprints down the stairs and out the door choking* “IT FOLLOWED ME UPSTAIRS! I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE!”

Conspiracy Theories Caught On Camera

, , , , , | Friendly | December 15, 2017

(I’m from Germany. I’m traveling across the country on a long-distance bus and decide to use the time to watch a cartoon series a friend recommended to me. A random dude sits behind me and taps on my shoulder, so I take my headphones off.)

Dude: “Hey, do you mind if I watch that with you?”

Me: “Not at all. I even have some splitters on me. It’s in English, though.”

(The dude and I chat for about a minute about some cartoons we both enjoy while he moves his stuff to sit down next to me. Then, he just stares at my laptop blankly for no apparent reason.)

Dude: “You covered your camera.”

Me: “Yup, I did. I normally don’t Skype or anything, so it’s not like it’s an inconvenience or something like that.”

Dude: “You know that nobody’s watching you? God, if I knew you were a paranoid piece of s***, I wouldn’t have talked to you.”

(He continues to launch into a long speech, filled with insults, about conspiracy theories and how I must be completely bonkers for believing them — which I don’t — while I don’t say a word and tune him out for the most part. When he finishes a few minutes later, he demands that I explain myself and justify my “insanity.”)

Me: “My ex-boyfriend is an Anonymous hacker, and he actually did hack into my computer and my webcam. He took some pretty nice pictures of me and sent them to my friends, who kindly beat him up for me. As far as I know, he didn’t try again, and the pictures are gone, but I prefer to have my webcam covered, not that it’s any of your business. Now, either shut up and put your headphones in and watch [Cartoon] quietly without speaking to me, or shut up and leave, which I’d prefer.”

(He left. For anyone interested, my ex and I never crossed paths again and he still hasn’t contacted me five years later, to my immense joy. My friends are still awesome, and I still have no social media, nor do I open anything that isn’t sent to me by a trusted source. Not everyone with their webcams covered is a nut-job. Sometimes their exes are just psycho.)

The ABCs Of Being Late

, , , , | Learning | November 15, 2017

(My university has shuttles that transport students between campuses. [Campus A] is right across from my apartment, so I use the shuttle there to go to [Campus B], where I take another shuttle to [Campus C]. The [A-B shuttle] has been incredibly reliable for the past two years, but the guy who drives it when I go to my Tuesday/Thursday classes this semester always seems to be 15 minutes late for a 10-minute drive. At first, I think traffic is just worse at this time, but the shuttle tracker shows that he’s actually departing [Campus B] 15 minutes late. I’ve taken to asking the driver to call the [B-C shuttle] and ask them to wait, reasoning that I shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask for accommodations when it’s their fault I’m late. One day, he’s even later than usual.)

Me: “Could you call the [B-C Shuttle] and ask them to wait?”

A-B Driver: “Actually, there was an accident on the interstate, so they’re running late, too.”

(He drives to [Campus B] and arrives just as the [B-C shuttle] departs.)

A-B Driver: “All right. If you stay on, I can catch him at the light.”

([A-B Driver] manages to get [B-C Driver]’s attention at the light, and I get on the [B-C shuttle].)

Me: *to [B-C Driver]* “Sorry! I asked him to call ahead, but he said it was fine because you were running late, too.”

B-C Driver: “Not as late as him, though!”

Your Realization Skills Are Out Of Gas

, , , , , , | Learning | November 14, 2017

(I’m in college, coming back from a cross-country meet with my teammates. Our school is small, so we take two mini-buses and have our coach and assistant coach drive them. I’m on the bus with our assistant coach, only about five minutes away from home, when we run out of gas. We pull over to the side of the road and try to call our coach and his wife. Another truck pulls over and my assistant coach goes to talk to the driver.)

Assistant Coach: “Thanks for stopping; we have a bit of a problem, here!”

Truck Driver: “Hey, do you know what time the cafeteria closes at [Other College in our town]?”

Assistant Coach: “Uh, no. We’re actually from [College], but we’re kind of out of gas.”

Truck Driver: “Oh, yeah? I’m running a bit low, too. Thanks, anyway.” *drives away*

(Eventually, our coach’s wife did bring us some gas. I still wonder if that guy eventually realized we were asking him for help.)

Unfiltered Story #100066

, , | Unfiltered | November 13, 2017

(I am the customer in this story. My bus arrives and I have my pass in hand, but only then realise I bought a return ticket that morning. I get out my purse, where it should be, but can’t find it. The following is the conversation I have with the bus driver after placing my pass on the reader:)

Me: “[Street Name], please.” *sighs* “I bought a return this morning but now I can’t find it.”

Bus Driver: “Oh dear… you’re also already on [Street Name], so I can’t sell you a ticket to there!”

Me: “Ugh, sorry, [destination name] please.”

Bus Driver: “There you go.” *I begin to walk away* “Don’t forget your card!”

Me: I’ll forget to get off next!”

(Thankfully I didn’t… that would have been a long, expensive and potentially impossible journey home!)

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