Earlier this year, a friend of mine was getting harassing calls from a man. Apparently, a woman (let’s say her name was Monica) had given him her number when they met at a bar, so this man kept calling and asking for Monica. My friend is not Monica, nor is there a bar by that name anywhere near where she lives. No matter how many times my friend told him he had the wrong number, he refused to believe her. He was determined that she was Monica and that she was just playing hard to get. Eventually, he started getting nasty and made threats.

My friend reported it to the police, but they didn’t seem interested in doing anything and told her to just change her number. The problem was that this was my friend’s work phone. If she changed it, it was going to cost her a lot of money to reprint everything with that number on it — money she didn’t have. So, she tried blocking his number. He started calling with a withheld number. She blocked withheld numbers. He started calling with a different number each time. She blocked each one as they came, but this guy seemed to have an unlimited supply of numbers to keep calling her from.

This went on for months. I even tried taking a call from this guy and tellin him to stop, but he just laughed it off and redoubled his efforts. My friend was a nervous wreck, afraid to leave the house. Her business was starting to suffer. Enough was enough. So, I came up with a plan I dubbed “Operation: Let’s see how you like it!”

First, I signed his phone number up to every site asking for a number and every text subscription service I could find.

Next, I signed him up for quotes for all sorts of things, from a new roof to breast enlargement surgery. I also gave his number to as many shady sites as I could find.

Then, I created ads on various selling sites where I listed desirable items like game consoles, TVs, and new cars very cheaply and gave his name and number in the contact details.

Finally, I posted several romantic ads with a picture of an attractive woman and a profile that suggested she was desperate for someone to “satisfy” her. I listed his number as the contact.

Maybe he got the message, or maybe he was just too busy with constant phone calls and texts, but he soon stopped calling my friend. Either way, “Operation: Let’s see how you like it!” was a success.

My mother-in-law is the type that takes forever to learn new things, but once she does learn something, she NEVER forgets it — for better or for worse. I get this call from her because my wife’s out at the store, and she refuses to use our cell phones because “the house phone is fine.”

Mother-In-Law: “My TV remote isn’t working!”

Me: “Please define ‘isn’t working’. Is the little light flashing when you hit buttons?”

Mother-In-Law: “Yes, the batteries are fine, but I hit the top button and nothing happens to the TV.”

I know that her remote has a big “on” button that goes across the entire top/front of the remote, so I know what she means. We try some basic troubleshooting, but nothing works.

Me: “Yeah, that’s weird. Did you change the batteries or anything else?”

Mother-In-Law: “No! It was working before the man came earlier, and now it’s not!”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘the man came earlier’?”

Mother-In-Law: “Oh, the cable company had some new thing they upgraded — don’t worry, I made sure it wasn’t changing my bill first — but when he set it all up, he made it work, but now I can’t!”

Me: “The thing he set up, was it a new cable box?”

Mother-In-Law: “I think so? The thing with the clock.”

Me: “Yeah, the um, the thing with the clock. Is this a new remote, as well?”

Mother-In-Law: “I don’t know!”

Me: “Tell me something, Mom, is there one big button across the top, or are there a few of them?”

Mother-In-Law: “I’m hitting the top button!”

Me: “Is there one button, or are there a few?”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, there’s a few, but I’m hitting the top one!”

Me: “Okay, just humor me. Is one of the buttons red?”

Mother-In-Law: “Hang on… Yes, there’s a red one.”

Me: “Hit the red one, please.”

Mother-In-Law: “That’s not the top one!”

Me: “I know, but this is a different remote. Please hit the red one.”

There’s a pause.

Mother-In-Law: “The TV turned on?! Why did the TV turn on?! That’s not the power button!”

Me: “It is now, Mom. You’ll have to get used to it.”

Mother-In-Law: “I’m calling the cable company.”

Me: “W… Why?”

Mother-In-Law: “They sent me a broken remote! The wrong button is turning it on!”

Me: “No, Mom, it’s, it’s just different…”

I was still on the phone with her twenty minutes later when my wife got home, and I handed it off to her with a fifteen-second explanation. Thankfully, [Mother-In-Law] never got around to demanding that we drive the two hours back to her to “fix it” for her — this time.

The year is 1996. My dad “works from home” for a very small company, but that means that he doesn’t go to his boss’s office (or home), it means that he does paperwork from home. Most of the time, he is visiting client sites. I am at home two half-days per week, so if a delivery or IT site visit is needed, I will usually be the one scheduling it and answering the door. I also answer the phones on those two half-days.

The phone rings.

Me: “Hello?”

Boss’s Wife: “Oh, hello, [My Name], I didn’t know you’d be there. I expected the voicemail. I wanted to leave a message for your dad.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll hang up and you can call back, then.”

Boss’s Wife: “But how will you know if it’s me?”

Me: “Well, if it isn’t you, I’ll answer.”

Boss’s Wife: “…”

I get a phone call from a number I don’t immediately recognize.

Client: “I would like to order six hundred.”

Me: “Six hundred what? Who is this?”

Client: “Six hundred of those information things that fold.”

Me: “I’m still very confused. Who are… Oh! You’re [Client]! Are you talking about the brochures we mocked up for you five months ago?”

Client: “Of course! Who else would be calling you about my folding information things?! I need six hundred.”

Me: “Sir, the mockup was very rough. Do you have any edits you need made before these go to print? I don’t think all the information provided was 100% accurate.”

Client: “PRINT THEM.”

We’ll print them, but I bet it won’t take five months for him to call back and complain.

Some people I know from back home have been using my phone number for various things, such as quick loan places. I change my number, cut them out of my life, and sort it out.

Or so I thought.

Immediately after getting my new number, I am still getting random calls and messages. This time, it’s for the guy who previously had that number. I’m getting crappy job offers, hook-up offers, random requests for favors, and just a whole bunch of wildly random stuff. At least once a week, I get a call.

It’s annoying, but I keep telling them they have the wrong number and explaining the situation. I figure it will peter out soon and carry on with my day.

Imagine my surprise when I suddenly get yet another phone call. This one is from a number I don’t recognize, even from the mess of wrong numbers I’ve been getting.

I answer it, and it turns out to be the guy that previously had the number.

Me: “Yeah, dude, you need to tell your friends that you changed numbers.”

Guy: “Who called? And when? What did they want?”

Me: “Call them back and find out. And while you’re at it, tell them your new number.”

Guy: “I think you need to tell me exactly who called, when, and what they wanted.”

Me: “Okay, number one, I didn’t write any of it down because none of it applied to me. Number two, I’m not your d*** secretary.”

Guy: “I’ve been applying for jobs. Some of them might be job offers! They’re important!”

Me: “Again, not to me, and you’re an idiot if you think I would somehow magically know your new number back then. Get off your lazy a** and update your contact information.”

I hung up on him. Then, I changed my number again. Wow, was it nice not answering at least one message a week. But seriously, how entitled do you have to be to think that some random person who gets your old number is obligated to play secretary?