Making You Feel All Kinds Of Blue

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Right | November 25, 2016

(I’m a graphic designer but I take on some freelance jobs outside of my regular job. A client contacts me, looking for a brochure design for his upcoming art show at a small gallery. His work is very cool and I decide to take on the job. After receiving multiple e-mails from him freaking out about how “It just doesn’t FEEL like my art. It needs to FEEL better!” I decide to meet with him to go over it in person.)

Me: “So, what aren’t you liking about the current design? We’ve discussed all the changes and up until this point you seemed ok with it.”

Client: *touching the print out* “The FEEL is all wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong!”

Me: “Okay, can you explain a bit more? What about the feel isn’t right?”

Client: “You know! The FEEL!” *start rubbing the piece of paper on his face and flinging it all around in the air*

Me: “Do you mean the paper? This isn’t the final paper stock we’re printing on, just regular printer paper.”

Client: “Oh, okay. Good because this s*** is NASTY!” *throws all the papers on the ground and points at my computer screen* “But also, this colour here is just so WRONG!”

Me: *collecting papers* “All right, we can change that. What colour were you thinking?”

Client: “A bright blue! Oh, wait… maybe a dark and moody blue.”

Me: *makes changes on screen* “Do you like either of these?”

Client: “Are you an idiot!? Neither of those are blue! How can you call yourself a designer if you think THAT’S blue!”

(The client is now kneeling on his chair and flailing his arms in the air while screeching at me.)

Me: “Okay! Why don’t you go through the colours here and see if there’s something you like better!”

(The client calms down and scrolls for a solid 15 minutes through the colours while practically lying across the table.)

Client: “This one! It’s PERFECT!”

Me: “Umm… all right, then.”

(We settled on a lovely Forest “Blue” and concluded the project after printing. The kicker? I went to his show the next week and found that he didn’t use my design but decided to make all new brochures by finger painting them and handing out still wet pieces of paper at the show.)

Ugly By Design

, | Las Vegas, NV, USA | Working | June 18, 2015

(We do design and printing for various bars and restaurants around town. I’ve only been working here for about a year. I’m assigned a job to create a ‘Now Open’ banner for a tropical-themed bar, but the sales rep has returned the job with vague changes.)

Me: “Hey, [Lead Designer], I don’t understand what these changes mean. Can you take a look?”

Lead: *looks at my design* “Oh, wow! That’s so pretty and presentable! It must not be ugly enough. Sales reps like things big and ugly.”

Me: “So… change it so the text is ugly and impossibly big and crowds out the logos and background?”

Lead: “Yeah, that should do it.”

(I make the text so ridiculously huge and cramped you can’t even tell what it’s for anymore. I submit the job and the sales rep approves it.)

Me: “…”

Hungering For A Change

| USA | Working | May 12, 2014

(I’m emailing a client about edits to a letter I’ve typeset for her.)

Client: “Take out the whole sentence ‘May you use it in good health.'”

Me: “How about changing it to ‘And may the odds be ever in your favor!’?”

Client: *facepalm*

Overtime Crime

| San Francisco, CA, USA | Working | October 21, 2013

(I am in my first full-time job after just graduating. I’m taken advantage of a lot, but I’m new so I just put up with it. My friend and I have been working 18+ hour work days, plus weekends, for the past two weeks to design a book for an important client. My friend is hired for temporary help while I’m their only employee. My boss doesn’t know how to use a computer, so we’re left to do absolutely everything. They also live in the same building as the office so they can just take an elevator to go home while my friend and I have to commute. It’s about 2 am; the bosses have been out of the office for about an hour, possibly eating, taking a shower, or sleeping while we’re working. It’s the day we need to send the file to the printer to get the book done.)

Me: “This is so incredibly unfair.”

Friend: “Yeah, your bosses are unbelievable. You need to find a new job.”

(We finish up the project and the file is being uploaded to the printer’s server at 3:30 am. My bosses are chipper and trap us in a really pointless long conversation while my friend and I just want to sleep. I eventually have to cut the conversation short.)

Me: “Okay, well, [Friend] and I need some sleep. Good night.”

Boss: “Okay, thanks for the hard work. We have to catch up on all of our other projects, so could you come in at 10 am?”

Me: “I guess I’ll manage with five hours of sleep. Sure…”

Friend: *whispers* “Are they serious?”

Me: “FML…”

(My boss comes running once I get to my car.)

Boss: “There’s an error with the upload.”

Me: “Like what? If it timed out, you can just upload it one more time.”

Boss: “Oh, I don’t know how to do that. Can you come back and fix it?”

Me: *sighs* “Yeah, okay.”

(My friend and I fix the error, everything uploads correctly and all that is left is to buy a copy of the book. It’s 5 am. We’re driving home and I’m 10 minutes away from my house when I get a call.)

Friend: “Who is it?”

Me: “F***! It’s my boss…”

Friend: “Don’t answer it.”

Me: “Oh d*** it; I have to.”

(I put it to speaker phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Boss: “Hi [My Name].”

Me: “Hi. Is something wrong?”

Boss: “Um well, we don’t know how to order the book…”

Me: *dumbfounded* “Have you ever bought anything online?”

Boss: “Yeah.”

Me: “…do the same thing.”

Boss: “But this is so confusing!”

Friend: *whispers* “Are you kidding me?”

Me: “Okay, are you on the page to order the book?”

(I give a step-by-step detailed walkthrough of how to order the book, including telling them that they need to enter their credit card number in the field that says, ‘credit card number.’ I get home and I’m still on the phone.)

Boss: “Okay, everything looks good! Thanks for taking the time to work on this and being flexible. And thank [Friend] too for your guys’ determination and dedication. We really appreciate it and…”

(They go on forever.)

Me: “Yeah, no problem. I need to sleep.”

Boss: “Oh right, well, [Partner] and I decided that we should take the day off tomorrow. You must be pretty exhausted from all the work.”

(My boss laughs. I clench my fist and cut the conversation short.)

Me: “Yeah, thanks. I’ll see you guys Friday. Good night.”

Friend: “Thank god for overtime.”

Me: “I don’t get paid for overtime…”

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A Heady Proposition, Part 2

| Hialeah, FL, USA | Right | June 18, 2011

(A customer comes in with a photo of her daughter. She wants to include it in a business card.)

Customer: “So you guys are able to take this picture, put it on to the computer, and then fix it up nicely?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Customer: “Okay, here you go.”

(I’m given the picture, and I notice her daughter is facing completely to the right. Not a big deal, so I go ahead and scan the picture. It appears on screen.)

Customer: “Okay. I need you to turn her face towards us.”

Me: “Uh…that’s not possible.”

Customer: “But you said you would fix it up nicely.”

Me: “I can clean the picture up and make your daughter look nice. However, you can’t scan a picture and then turn it around like it was in 3D.”

Customer: “But computers are the reason 3D exists. Now turn my daughter’s head!”

 

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