I’m a freelance graphic designer. I live in a small rural village in England, and while not religious, am friends with a few neighbours who attend the local Catholic church. I’m helping them make some pamphlets for an upcoming religious service, and they’ve sent me the copy text to go into the design.

I spot something and call them back.

Me: “Are you sure this is the final copy?”

Client: “That’s what they told me!”

Me: “It’s just the text to go above the image of the priests. It says ‘let us prey’ – spelled P-R-E-Y.”

Client: “Yes, I see that.”

Me: “I think it should be P-R-A-Y. Prey as a verb is… well… probably not what they intended to go with an image of priests.”

Pause.

Client: “Oh… Oh! Yes… I see it now. Yes, I think I’d best double-check.”

Me: “Yes, I think that would be best.”

I’ve been at my design firm long enough now that I have the power to choose my jobs and clients. I have “done my time in the trenches” working for clients who know nothing about design but still insist on their very bad ideas every step of the way. We still have to deal with those clients as a company, but I don’t have to work those jobs anymore.

Most of the time, I accept a job that comes my way, but recently I have turned one down.

Boss: *Coming by.* “Why did you decline to accept [job] from [Client]?”

Manager: “They sent over their proposal, and the entire thing was written in Comic Sans.”

Boss: “…As you were.”

I’m a freelance graphic designer. The client is a small business owner who has very strong opinions… and no design sense.

Client: “So I want a logo. Something simple. Clean. Professional. Also, it needs to have a sword, a lightning bolt, a wolf, and a dolphin.”

Me: “Okay… that’s a bit more than ‘simple,’ but we can work with that. Do you have a color scheme in mind?”

Client: “Yes! Black and neon yellow. But not, like, too yellow. More like the idea of yellow. Oh, and the wolf should look trustworthy.”

Me: “…I’ll do my best.”

A few days later, I send mock-ups.

Client: “I don’t like any of these.”

Me: “No problem, what don’t you like?”

Client: “All of it. They just don’t feel… iconic.”

Me: “Can you be more specific?”

Client: “It should be the kind of logo that people remember, like Nike.”

Me: “…So you want a logo as iconic as Nike?”

Client: “Yes. But with a dolphin. And a sword.”

Me: “…Got it.”

Client: “Also, it needs to work as a tattoo. My cousin’s doing it for free.”

Me: “Of course he is.”

After three more rounds of changes…

Client: “Okay, this version is closer. But now I’m thinking the sword should be pointing up, the wolf should be howling, the lightning bolt should be behind the dolphin, and the dolphin should be smiling. But like, a sexy smile.”

Me: “…”

Client: “I think I’m being very clear here.”

Our office has a tradition where we all get drinks on a Friday after work before heading off home. Just a cheeky pint before the weekend.

Coworker: “We’re all getting drinks at albar-oh-ney.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but where?”

Coworker: “Albar-oh-ney. You know, the bar on the corner.”

Me: “Is it new?”

Coworker: “No! We go there all the time!”

Me: “I don’t think I’ve ever… wait… are you talking about All Bar One?”

Coworker: “No! I… hmm…” *Thinks a moment.* “In my defence, we’ve never said the name of the place out loud and the logo kerning is atrocious!”

The place is spelt ALL·BAR·ONE. Those dots in the middle are called interpuncts. How do I know that? We all work in a design firm specialising in logos and fonts…

I had just graduated from college, and I was looking for my first freelance job. Someone from my school was kind enough to introduce me to a local business owner.

Client: “I need this done yesterday. I need a new logo and a business card, and I need them quick! I’m only gonna pay you $100 since you’re fresh out of school and I was told you’d get me a deal.”

I was annoyed, but I needed money. I agreed.

Client: “95% of my company produces gas tanks for bigrig trucks, and 5% of it is me selling vintage guitars. So, I want my logo to be a guitar. And for my business card, I’m going to give you my work number, but I don’t ever answer it. Instead, I’m going to give you my cell phone number, but I want it to be secretly hidden in the card so only special people will know what it really is.”

Terrible ideas, sure, but he wasn’t paying me enough to fight him. I banged out a guitar logo and sent him a screenshot to see if he liked it (without giving him a copy he could steal).

Two weeks later, I got a voicemail.

Client: “Hey, this is the guy you’re building the logo for. I received our email, and the logo is looking really good. But you didn’t give me your email, so I can’t get back to you. I’m not really sure how this whole ‘paying you’ thing is going to work out.”

He didn’t understand the concept of responding back to an email.

I erased the files and blocked his number. I don’t care how new I was in the field. It wasn’t worth it.