Make Your Blood Run Cold

, , , , , , , | Romantic | October 31, 2017

(My boyfriend has a German Shepherd who, while playing at the dog park, cut his paw on something. We are looking at the injury on our bed, trying to keep the dog calm.)

Me: “Here, let me take the blanket off the bed so he doesn’t stain it.”

Boyfriend: “Thanks, babe.”

Me: “No problem. I have dealt with plenty of blood in my life, and I know how hard it is to get stains out of fabric.”

Boyfriend: *looks up at me in horror*

Me: “I menstruate.”

Boyfriend: “Oh…”

Cats Have Nine Lives And More Names

, , , , , , | Working | October 30, 2017

(I work at an animal shelter. We have several different buildings on our site, and different rooms for the cats to be in. Our frequent volunteers know some of the longer-term resident cats really well and notice when they are adopted or pass away.)

Volunteer: “I saw that [Cat #1] was adopted!”

Me: “No, she is right here.” *points to [Cat #1]*

Volunteer: “I mean [Cat #1] out in [Room #2].”

Me: “I don’t think we have a cat by that name in [Room #2].”

Volunteer: “With the squished face? She was moved to [Other Adoption Center].”

Me: “Oh, you mean [Cat #2]?”

Volunteer: “I call her [Cat #1].”

Me: “Okay, I was unaware of that.”

Volunteer: “Or sometimes Amanda because her eyes look like Amanda Bynes.”

Me: “…”

Very Cord-ial

, , , , , , | Hopeless | October 28, 2017

(This takes place when laptops weigh at least 10 pounds and are rather expensive. My parents pull together the money to buy me one for my high school homework. It is a big deal. We also have three cats. One cat is very young and loves all things plastic. She’s also a cord-biter. It was so bad she once bit though the cord of my sister’s alarm clock and took the electrical shock. She was fine, the clock died with a loud pop, and the cat learned nothing. I’m working on my bed with the a/c adapter cord plugged in so I don’t lose power. Because of the cat, I have buried the cord under pillows and run it to an outlet I rarely use as it is mostly covered by the bed. All is fine until the laptop suddenly dulls in brightness and the battery icon turns on. Confused, I check and the cord is still plugged into the laptop. Following it to the wall I discover the cat found it. Somehow, without my noticing it, she has dug out the cord and gnawed on it. The laptop is under warranty, but I doubt they cover kitten bites. I shut down the computer and tell my parents. They take it well and advise me to call in to see how much a replacement will cost.)

Rep: “What seems to be the damage to the laptop?”

Me: “A kitten bit the cord.”

Rep: *pause* “Your cord suffered damage?”

Me: *picking up on her tone* “Yes.”

Rep: “Okay. As you are under warranty, we will be shipping you a new cord, free of charge. Please destroy the old cord.”

(I told my parents about it and they were happy. The $80 it would have cost to replace the cord would have been a stretch for us at the time. Thank you, awesome rep!)

Leading Dogs Astray

, , , , , , | Friendly | October 25, 2017

(My grandparents have a labrador/border collie mix. Their area is mostly empty fields and few houses, and like most people in the area, they have a very large yard with no fence. Because they had trouble training him not to run out of the yard when he was a rambunctious puppy, they have decided to put up an electronic fence before their dog starts to make a nuisance of himself to the neighbors. His collar beeps a few times to warn him that he’s out of bounds before shocking him, so he learns very quickly that the beeping means to get back in the yard. My grandmother has him outside with her, and one minute he’s sitting on the boundary of the yard, sunning off, and the next he disappears while she isn’t looking. It’s very unusual for him to wander or disappear at this point, as he’s fairly obedient and the collar is now just a precaution. She starts screaming his name, wondering why he’s not coming, when she hears him shrieking in pain towards the front of the house. She runs to the front and sees a van with the back door wide open and a little girl sitting inside watching. A woman has a death grip on my grandmother’s dog and is actively dragging him out of his yard and toward her car, ignoring the beeping of his collar and his yelps of pain as he fights to get away from her and back into the yard.)

Grandmother: “Excuse me, but what do you think you’re doing with that dog?!”

Woman: “I think he’s a stray.”

Grandmother: “That is my dog! How could you not hear me calling for him, his collar beeping, or him yelping every time it shocks him? If you just take a moment to look, he’s got tags on with this address! Now, you are hurting him, so I demand you let him go!”

Woman: “But he was running loose!”

Grandmother: “He was in his own backyard, and there is no way he would have wandered this far out front on his own because of the collar. Now, let him go before I beat the s*** out of you!”

(She had to actually pull her dog out of the woman’s hands and, predictably, he ran straight back into the yard, shaking and whimpering. The woman got back in her car and sped off without so much as an apology. My grandmother is convinced that she knew he lived there and thought no one was around to see her helping herself to a free dog. He doesn’t wear the collar anymore, and my grandmother never turns her back to him when they’re outside anymore, either.)

The Uninsured Dead

, , , , | Healthy | October 24, 2017

(A few months ago we signed up for pet insurance for all four of our animals. This month, we got caught by surprise by the payment and as a result, one of the payments did not process correctly. This is the email we got regarding the payment that did not process:)

Email: “Please call us on [number] or email us quoting [policy number] in regards to your insurance payment for your pet Zombie.”

(Punctuation is EVERYTHING.)

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