A man comes up to my till with practically every variety of animal milk we carry, in every brand.

Me: “Wow, that’s a lot of milk.”

Customer: “Yes. I found a stray kitten in my garden, and he was all alone. I’ve taken him in, and I need to know what kind of milk he’d prefer.”

Me: “Oh, wow… That’s nice!”

Customer: “Yeah, he’s a fussy little thing, but the vet said he’s fine. He’s just… dramatic.”

Me: “If he knows he’s cute, he knows he can get away with it.”

Customer: “Would you like to meet him?”

Me: “I… uh…”

Before I can formulate a response, the customer turns around, and I see the face of a tiny kitten nestled comfortably in his oversized hoodie’s hood. He mews at me.

Customer: “Meet Tybalt, the bougie little s***.”

The next week, the customer only bought one type of milk. Tybalt hath chosen!

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An elderly man is shopping at my store with a large service dog. My department is right next to the store entrance, and while the man is here, a woman and her three-year-old son walk in through the front door. When the little boy spots the dog, his eyes light up, and he grabs his mom’s hand and points.

Little Boy: “Mommy, look! A woof-woof!”

Mom: “Yes, sweetie, it’s a woof-woof.”

Little Boy: “I wanna see the woof-woof!”

He runs over to the man with the dog. The man looks down at him with an amused smile.

Little Boy: “What’s his name?”

Old Guy: “His name’s [Dog].”

Little Boy: “Can I pet him?”

The woman catches up to her son.

Mom: “[Little Boy], I told you not to go running off like that. And don’t bother this nice man.”

Old Guy: “Oh, he’s no bother.”

Little Boy: “I wanna pet the woof-woof!”

Mom: *Pointing to the dog’s service vest* “You see what this woof-woof is wearing? That means he’s doing his job right now. His job is to help the nice man. And since the woof-woof is doing his job, that means this isn’t a good time to pet him.”

Everyone can see the gears turning in the boy’s brain.

Little Boy: “Oh, okay. Do a good job, Mister Woof-Woof!”

I am a manager. I was working the drive-thru earlier, but now I am doing paperwork in the office. I take customer calls in here, too.

Caller: “You guys never gave me all of my food!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Did you come through the drive-thru or did you come inside?”

Caller: “It was the drive-thru! I didn’t notice until now as I had to drive all over town before I could eat!”

Me: “Do you have your receipt?”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s right here!”

Me: “Please come back with the receipt and we will happily replace the lost products. What are you missing?”

Caller: “The bacon fries!”

I seem to recall only one person ordering that item this morning.

Me: “Sir, were you the gentleman in the red pickup truck that ordered the Hawaiian burger?”

Caller: “Yeah! That’s me!”

Me: “The one with the adorable but hungry-looking golden retriever in the backseat?” 

Caller: “Yeah, that’s… Wait…” *Sound of rustling packaging* “G**d*** it, Bernard!” *Click*

A while back, my parents moved into a new home with fancy features like a security system and a garage door app that said when the doors opened and closed. They had a problem with the doors randomly opening and closing. My mom had the following phone conversation with tech support, which she relayed to me afterward.

Mom: “Hi. I’m having an issue where my garage doors are opening and closing when nobody is home. The app is sending me a lot of notifications, and I can see them on the cameras, as well. Can you check into this?”

Support Lady: “Hmm… that’s odd. I’m not seeing any issues with the doors on our end. Are you sure nobody’s pressing the button?”

Mom: “Yes, I’m sure. There are security cameras outside and inside the garage. They would show if someone pressed the button.”

Support Lady: “All right, well, perhaps it’s because the buttons are too close together. Can you move the buttons further apart?”

Mom: “The buttons are on either side of the garage doors. It’s a brand-new house, and they were installed that way. There’s nowhere further apart to put them.”

Support Lady: “Well, if you can’t move the buttons, uh, let me see… Ah! Ma’am, I think I’ve found the problem.”

Mom: “Great! What is it?”

Support Lady: *Excited* “I think there are tarantulas in your wires! Yes, they must be chewing on the wires, which would cause the doors to open and close.”

There were moments of silence while Mom processed this.

Mom: “I’m sorry, tarantulas? In the wires?”

Support Lady: “Yes, they can live in the wires and chew them to try to get out, and this causes the doors to open and close.”

Mom: “I don’t think you understand what a tarantula is, or maybe what a wire is. Also, I’m in Ohio! There are definitely not tarantulas in my wires.”

Support Lady: *Disappointed* “Oh. Well, I don’t know what the problem is, then. Sorry.”

Mom hung up in disbelief. The door problem did eventually get fixed, although I don’t remember what the real solution was. We still laugh about the tarantulas living in the wires.

CONTENT WARNING: Pet Death

Early on a Saturday morning, I get a knock on my door and open it to find my neighbor and a cop.

Neighbor: “Hey, this officer is here because [New Neighbor] reported that my dog bit his kid half an hour ago.”

He points at a new neighbor who just moved in and is now standing on the street.

Me: “Really?”

Neighbor: “Yep.”

Me: *To the cop* “And he’s absolutely sure it was her dog that bit his kid?”

Cop: “Yes, ma’am. I need to see the dog. Your neighbor says he’s with you?”

Me: “Yep, he is in the garage.”

I then took the cop into the garage and showed him the dog. He left looking furious and went to talk to the new neighbor.

I’m an at-home vet, and I had euthanized my long-time patient — an extremely sick old dog — late the night before and hadn’t had a chance to move him from my garage yet.

Here’s hoping the new neighbor learns from what’s coming.