You’re Killing Me Here

, , , , | Healthy | January 28, 2018

(A lady comes in with a cat in a very bad condition. After a short examination, I have to tell her that the only thing I can do is to euthanize her cat.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, but the kidneys have completely stopped working. The only thing we can do is release that poor cat from her pain and suffering.”

Lady: “Oh, that’s a shame, but if it’s the only option…”

Me: “Unfortunately, it is.”

Lady: “Okay, but is there any homeopathic euthanasia you can give? You know, all these chemical things are bad for her health!”

Me: “Um, do you know what ‘euthanasia’ means?”

Falcon Royale

, , , , , , | Right | January 26, 2018

(I am a small child. I am with my family at a country park in the grounds of a castle on a warm summer day. There are some groundskeepers from the castle staff putting on a falconry display. They are flying them into trees then calling them back, having them chase a fake rabbit, letting the kids handle some of the smaller ones, etc.)

Falcon Handler: *indicating to the falcon’s leg* “Okay, see this little thing around his leg? Can anyone tell me what that is?”

(Silence from the crowd of young children, all looking a bit confused.)

Falcon Handler: “I’ll give you a clue. It’s in case he flies away and won’t come back. What do you think this does if he flies away and won’t come back?”

(One child of about six or seven years old slowly raises his hand, looking very uncertain.)

Falcon Handler: “Yes! You! What does this do if he flies away and won’t come back?”

Child: “Explode?”

(Turns out it was a tracker and not a lethal explosive escape deterrent.)

The Crap That Comes Out Of Your Mouth

, , , , , | Healthy | January 24, 2018

(We have just finished working with a cat who was so scared of being at the vet that she soiled herself, and then got it everywhere. I have finished cleaning the treatment area but have yet to wash my hands. As with all health fields, it’s common knowledge that anything on your hands will eventually end up in your mouth if you don’t wash them.)

Vet: “Would you like to look at her ear slide?”

Me: “Sure. Let me just wash my hands first.”

Vet: *jokingly* “You mean you don’t want to end up eating poop?”

(I start giggling.)

Me: “It’s not that I don’t want to ingest poop; I just don’t want to smell it on my hands!”

The Pinky Makes You Red

, , , , , , | Working | January 23, 2018

I am 15, so my dad always comes with me when I go to the pet store to buy food for my pets. I need to get a few dozen crickets for my two lizards, and two pinky mice for my adolescent corn snake hybrid.

Unfortunately, it can be a little confusing for some of the employees because they use the same boxes for the rodents sold as food as they do for rodents sold as pets.

A cheery clerk, who looks about 16, serves me, notices the box, and asks, “And what are you going to name this little cutie?”

My dad says, “Breakfast and lunch.”

The poor girl looks like she’s just seen someone kick a puppy when she realizes what they are!

Don’t Unleash The Angry Green… Lizard?

, , , , , | Right | January 23, 2018

(We often have professional athletes come into our store, mostly just to look, but occasionally they buy from us. A professional football player adopts a lizard from us. He is very polite and pleasant all the times we do business with him. He lives in California, but is in Massachusetts during the season. When he returns to California, he has trouble bringing the lizard with him, so we board her for him, even reducing the typical price since it is likely going to be for a while. He pays us up-front for the entire first month. However, when we call after the second month, hoping he can pay us what he owes us, things aren’t as pleasant.)

Coworker: “We were hoping you could pay us at least some of what you owe us.”

Customer: “There’s a problem there. I can’t keep the lizard. My dog will kill it.”

Coworker: “Are you sure you don’t want to at least try? You really loved this lizard. We feel bad.”

Customer: “It’s just not going to work.”

Coworker: “Well, we’re sorry to hear that. We can place her in a new home. We just need you to pay what you owe us up until now.”

Customer: “That’s a problem.”

Coworker: “Why is that?”

Customer: “I don’t want to pay it.”

Coworker: *pause* “And why is that?”

Customer: “I don’t want to.”

Coworker: “But we’ve spent all this time caring for her and feeding her. And the lights we use for the set-up cost us money in electric bills.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why I should pay. I don’t want the lizard anymore.”

Coworker: “We can reduce the price, if you could just pay us at least [price].”

Customer: “I’m not happy with this. You’ve only seen my nice side up until now. You don’t want to see me when I’m angry.”

(He really couldn’t seem to understand why he should have to pay us for the services we provided. He argued with the owner, who threatened legal action. Eventually, he paid what we asked, still giving us major attitude and arrogance. We haven’t heard from him since.)

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