What About “If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…”?

, , , , , | Related | June 25, 2020

My son is four and is learning that some truths are best left unsaid. A larger lady with close-cropped hair joins the queue behind us.

Son: “Mummy, look at that really fat man!”

Me: “Darling, that’s a lady, and you should be polite!”

Son: “So, she is really fat, just not a man?”

Me: “What would you do if someone said that to you?”

Son: “I would crash through the floor, and then through the earth, and then into the lava.”

Lady: *Having heard everything* “Then I’m taking you with me, sunshine! Better start running away now; keep you nice and slim!”

My son shrieked and laughed, and now remembers that exercise keeps you healthy. Thank you to the lady for being so understanding!

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Kimo-NO TUXEDOS

, , , , , | Related | June 24, 2020

I have an irrational hatred of tuxedos, always have had. So, I make every attempt to evade wearing one and basically destroy every photo of myself in one. My usual methods of evasion include wearing a Santa outfit to Christmas balls, talking my relatives into letting me wear polo shirts to their weddings, and even cross-dressing in a dress for my prom.

My high school was very pro-LGBT so they were “supportive of my decision to come out of the closet.” I just ran with that.

This really pisses off my parents, but the cross-dressing incident and the time when I wore a black trench coat to my Grandfather’s wedding was the last straw. They sat down with me and gave me a ridiculously long lecture so that I’d “see the error of my ways.”

Long story short, my parents’ argument boiled down to the idea that no woman would marry a man that refused to dress up for their wedding day, so I’d better get used to wearing a tux for every formal occasion.

My wife is Japanese. She was perfectly happy to have a Shinto wedding. We wore kimonos.

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God Forbid A Teenager Changes Their Mind About Their Future

, , , , | Learning | June 18, 2020

I’m a seventeen-year-old student about to do my A levels. I’m having a career consultation with a teacher from school. For impartiality’s sake, students are assigned a teacher they do not or barely know.

Teacher: “I see that you have put medicine down as your first choice. Strange. I thought that you had previously expressed zero interest in medicine.”

Me: “Things are different now. I’m now serious about pursuing medicine.”

Teacher: “Are you sure about this? I’ve had students say they want to do medicine because their parents forced them to.”

Me: “I understand, but I will have you know that I’m committed.”

Teacher: “That’s what they all say. Are you sure this is your decision? You don’t need to follow your parents’ will, you know.”

Me: “Doesn’t matter. I will admit that my parents are involved, but I agree with their decision to pursue medicine. It makes the most sense.”

Teacher: “I see here on your entrance interview for this school that you expressed an interest in accounting. Are you sure that you are willing to change that? You don’t have to obey your parents, you know.”

Me: “Yes. I selected accounting back then as it seemed like the path of least resistance. Times have changed since then. Now, medicine is the path of least resistance.”

Teacher: “May I ask what prompted you to change your mind? And what do you mean by ‘path of least resistance’?”

Me: “I haven’t found a job I particularly like, so I’m selecting the job that I hate the least. If I enter medicine, I will be able to inherit the family clinic within a decade. Then, I just need to cruise along until retirement. No need for pain or suffering. No need to worry about losing my job or being fired. As long as I don’t mess anything up, I’ll be set for life.”

Teacher: “That seems like a superficial thing. What’s your passion in life? Are you sure you can endure all that work just for a job you don’t like?”

Me: “Sir, I now realise there’s a cultural difference at play. I’m Asian. A job for us isn’t about following our passions or doing what we want. It’s about earning money. What money we earn can be spent on our passions as hobbies.”

The teacher opens his mouth to speak.

Me: “Case in point: my oldest cousin was set up to inherit the very clinic I mentioned. He completed a full medical degree and threw that all away to pursue his passion of being a dance instructor. He was literally disowned and is now destitute. I really don’t want to be disowned.”

Teacher: “But surely you don’t want to work a job you hate? Can’t someone else inherit the clinic?”

Me: “Who else will? My older cousins already have stable jobs in different fields. My siblings lack the grades to become a doctor and my younger cousins live in different countries. I’m the last one left. It’s my duty to keep the family business going.”

Teacher: “You don’t need to listen to your family. And they’re just bluffing. They won’t disown you. Surely you don’t need to do a job you don’t have a passion for. Are there any jobs you have a passion for?”

Me: “If I had a choice, I’d laze around all day doing nothing, but I don’t have a choice. My family needs an heir and I don’t want to be disowned. And yes, they can and will disown me. I’m becoming a doctor and inheriting that clinic. No matter what.”

Teacher: “Yes, but surely we can find a job you have a passion for.”

I’m really frustrated with him.

Me: “I’ve made up my mind and nothing can change it. Don’t try to convince me otherwise. No offense, but I’m going to find another teacher for career consultation.” *Gets up to leave* “Thank you for your time, sir.”

In the end, he wrote a report that, while quoting me verbatim, twisted my words the worst way possible. It severely torpedoed my medical career. It took me three years of hard work just to overcome it and get into a medicine course at university. I’m now a medical student and have since realized I like medicine more than I ever thought I would.

I get that following one’s passions is the western way, but that doesn’t mean it’s the way I want to follow. Asians have their own way, as well, but you won’t see me forcing it on others. The other teachers I spoke to were supportive of me, even if they disagreed, so how come it was so difficult for [Teacher] to do so?

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You Might Have To Use More Than Ten Percent Of Your Brain Cells

, , , , , , | Working | June 2, 2020

My partner bought a pair of new walking boots but they’re a bit on the small size so I take them — with the receipt — back to the shop to get them swapped for the next size up.

Clerk: “Yes, that’s no problem but there might be some extra to pay.”

I try to remember if they were on sale.

Clerk: “Because you used an armed forces discount on these and the trainers you bought, there’ll be a lower amount of discount on just these.”

I must look blank because she continues to try and explain.

Clerk: “See here, you bought these at £42 and a pair of trainers at £35, so you got a £7.70 armed forces discount. Because you’re only returning the boots, it’ll be less discount so you might have to pay more than £42.”

I realise that trying to explain that 10% is always going to be 10% is probably a waste of my time, oxygen, and patience.

Me: “That’s fine. Just ring it up and see how it comes out.”

The clerk rings up the exchange.

Clerk: “Oh… it came out the same.”

I smiled, took the receipt, and left before my remaining brain cells could commit suicide. The kicker is that I actually have mild dyscalculia and struggle with basic maths, but even I know that 10% is, in fact, always 10%.

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Unfiltered Story #194969

, , , | Unfiltered | May 27, 2020

I’m a receptionist at a car dealer but I usually ride my motorbike in to work. One day I’m getting into my armoured gear ready to go home and a couple of co-workers are wolf-whistling and giggling at me. (Note that my gear goes OVER my regular clothes, at no point have I undressed.) As far as we’re aware the showroom is empty since most staff have already gone.Next day the Sales Manager has the following conversation…
Manager: So that model will be £X on the road
Customer: Well [other dealer] can do it for less than that. What are you going to give me for the poor service I received?
Manager: When was this?
Customer: When I came in last night the girl on reception was trying on a new pair of trousers and two other girls laughed at me. It’s disgraceful!
Manager: (trying not to laugh himself) Our receptionist was just putting on her protective motorcycle gear, and I’m sure the other girls were laughing at her, not you.
Customer: Oh no, they were laughing at me. I can tell!
Not sure how she could “tell” since she was so far away from us we didn’t know she was there – and she still didn’t get her discount! Mind you I did have to explain to several co-workers who only got half the story that no, I was not in trouble for stripping at my desk…