Not Cutting Such A Fine Figure Yourself

, , , , | Friendly | March 20, 2019

(My partner has two young boys from his previous relationship. We take them to our local park one Saturday afternoon for a walk and let them have a bit of time in the play area. My partner goes to the play equipment with them to supervise while I sit on the wall at the side just enjoying the sunshine. I’m pretty zoned out, just relaxing, when a man comes and sits next to me. I pay him no mind and carry on just chilling until he starts speaking to me.)

Man: “Lovely day, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yeah, very nice.”

Man: “Nice to get the kids out for a bit, eh?”

Me: *nods head*

Man: “I see you’ve suffered from the same problem my ex-wife had.”

Me: *confused* “I’m sorry?”

Man: *looks me up and down* “Well, you clearly didn’t get your figure back after having them two, did you? My ex-wife had the same; that’s why she’s my ex!” *laughs as if this is the most hilarious thing*

Me: *just stares at him, gob-smacked*

Man: “Better mind that man of yours doesn’t do the same, or you’ll be stuck with them boys on your own!” *winks at me*

Me: *finally regaining enough composure to respond* “Firstly, it’s none of your business; secondly, they’re not my kids; and thirdly, I think she’s better off without your judgmental a** around, to be honest!”

(With that I got up and went over to my partner, leaving that man sat on the wall looking rather shocked. When I told my partner about it, he was obviously fuming, but when I went to point the guy out he’d completely vanished. I mean, I know I’m not exactly skinny, but what on earth gives him the idea that comments like that are acceptable?!)

This Will Be Tire-ing

, , , | Right | March 18, 2019

(I work for a company that supplies and fits massive tyres on mining equipment, earthmovers, dumpers, backhoes, etc. Some of these things can be nearly six feet across.)

Customer: “I need a new tyre for [big earthmover].”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me what size you need?”

Customer: “It’s big. But not as big as the other ones.”

Me: “…”

Charity Isn’t Just For The Products

, , , , | Hopeless | March 14, 2019

(Our charity shop has a café in it, so people are extra sociable — even non-regulars — and so am I. On this particular morning, the shop is empty except for me and an occasional customer.)

Me: “Good morning. I hope you’re having fun today! Let me know if there’s anything I can help you find, okay?”

Elderly Man: *looking shocked, eyes brimming with tears* “You have no idea how much I needed to hear a happy voice; the lady at the shop down the road was so rude and cruel to me just now!” *blows his nose on a handkerchief*

Me: “Oh, no! Do you need a hug?”

Elderly Man: *after a pause* “Yes.”

(I gave him one. He stayed for a cuppa, and he comes in to put a few quid in the donation bucket from time to time.)

Those Might Not Fit

, , , | Right | March 14, 2019

(I work at a general convenience store where, on occasion, it can be quite noisy; the doors open to the street, so we have the sound of traffic coming past, and a slush machine is right next to the counter, so the whirring from that can also be a slight distraction now and again. I haven’t long been at the store — a matter of weeks — when one Sunday afternoon two gentlemen come in.)

Customer: *approaching the counter, in a rushed tone* “Tampax.”

(I am thinking, “Okay… He’s a modern gent, out shopping for intimate items for his wife or partner… but it is quite noisy in here, so I’ll just double check that is what he said.”)

Me: “You are looking for Tampax, sir?”

Customer: “Yes.”

(I direct him to where the said items are in the shop. A few minutes later, after scanning the shelves, he comes back to me and says that he can’t find them. Alarm bells are starting to tinkle gently in my mind, so again I ask:)

Me: “What is it again you are looking for, please?”

Customer: *again the hurried reply*  “Tampax.”

(I come out from behind the counter and point at said items. He takes one look, and he and his friend burst into laughter. By now, I’m very confused.)

Customer: *looks at me and, wiping tears of laughter, says* “No, dear… not T… er… those. I am looking for TENT PEGS!”

(Don’t you just wish the floor would open you up and swallow you at these moments?)

When Menthols Just Aren’t Enough

, , , , , | Right | March 14, 2019

(I’m working in a store one Sunday afternoon, behind the counter, when I see a young lad of about eight or nine enter the shop along with his father. No one else is in the store at the time. On seeing me, the young lad rushes in front of his dad and says to me importantly:)

Young Lad: “My dad is after some Golden Vagina Tobacco, please.”

(The father approaches counter; he obviously didn’t hear what his son said.)

Me: *to the father* “I understand you are looking for some Golden Virginia Tobacco?”

Father: *totally unaware of why his son is now blushing furiously* “Yes, please.”

(I served him and off they went, and then I giggled quietly to myself.)

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