Welcome To Apocalypse-Mart, Part 2

, , , , , | Right | August 29, 2019

(I work in a large call center for an international grocery store. It’s my first week, and I’ve just finished helping an old lady with her query.)

Customer: “Thank you so much, young man! I have to ask though, young man, do you believe in our Lord Jesus Christ?”

(I remember back to my training, where I was told to avoid all religious discussion.)

Me: “I don’t think that’s relevant to me helping you today, ma’am. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “Now, young man! I need to know if I was helped by a Christian or by a heathen!”

(I look over to my supervisor, who’s been listening in to the whole conversation. He gives me a thumbs up and a wink.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I am an atheist.”

Customer:Heathen! You will burn in Hell if you do not accept the Lord as your savior! I demand to speak to your supervisor at once!

Me: “I’ll be glad to do that for you, ma’am. Give me a moment.”

(From this point on, I can only hear my supervisor speaking…)

Supervisor: “Yes, ma’am, I hear you have a complaint about one of my employees?” *pause* “I see.” *pause* “That’s terrible.” *pause* “I apologise, ma’am, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to terminate the call. I’ve just been told it is time for our hourly sacrifice to Satan.”

(The woman’s response is loud enough for me to hear over his headset.)

Customer: “HEATHENS!” *click*

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No Title For This One; Best Milk Pun Was Already Used

, , , , | Right | July 15, 2019

(A customer has knocked the lid off of a milk bottle and some has leaked onto the floor. She is very upset and embarrassed.)

Customer: “Oh, I’m so, so sorry! Can I clean it up? I’ll pay for it, too. It was my fault!”

(I look her dead in the eye and speak in a completely dead-pan voice.)

Me: “Hun, there’s no use crying over spilled milk.”

(My other customers laughed, and the look of relief on her face cheered me up no end!)

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Always Room For Caredigrwydd

, , , , , | Hopeless | May 28, 2019

(I have moved from France to Wales. It is the first time I have ever traveled away from home on my own. I have been accepted into a university in Wales; however, the university is located in a very small town, lost in the Welsh countryside. After successfully landing in Cardiff, I realize I have no clue how to even get to that small town. I look for some staff members in the airport in order to ask for some help.)

Me: “Excuse me. Would you happen to know how to go to [Small Town]?”

Staff Member #1: “I am afraid I don’t.”

(I have been travelling for five hours, the battery of my phone is dead, and I have no clue as to where to go. I am completely lost and panicking.)

Staff Member #1: “You know what? I think someone here comes from this town. Let me check.”

(She then calls one of her colleagues, who promptly tells her that the one working at the currency exchange does come from [Small Town]. She walks with me to find him. As soon as I ask how to go there, I see the staff member take a paper and a pen.)

Staff Member #2: “It’s a bit complicated, so I will write it down for you.”

(I watch him write to me in great details which bus to take, where to stop, and so on. After thanking him a lot, I get on the bus he told me to, stop at the train station which is no more than a platform in the middle of nowhere, and sit down. I don’t see anyone at all for ten minutes, until a woman who appears to be in her 70s arrives. I am completely exhausted and even more panicked due to the fact the train stop has no name, nor a machine to buy a train ticket.)

Old Woman: “Darling, are you all right? Where are you going?”

Me: “To [Small Town], but I have no clue if I am at the right station. I can’t even buy a train ticket; there is no machine…”

(She looks at my paper and confirms that I am at the right place, then explains to me that I can simply wait for the train controller and buy my ticket from him. This is not possible in France; you must have your ticket before boarding or you will get fined. She even goes as far as stopping two teenagers who walk past us, literally grabbing them by the collar of their shirts.)

Old Woman: “Hey, you two! Help the young lady with her luggage! Don’t you see she has two suitcases?”

Me: “Oh, no, that’s all right. I can do it.”

Teenagers: “It’s all right. We are happy to help!”

(They helped me carry my suitcases as soon as my train arrived, without ever losing their smiles. This made my day, even my whole week. I have now been living for eight years in the UK, but I will never forget the kindness of those staff members in Cardiff, nor that old woman or those two teenagers who helped a lost and panicked foreigner. Welsh people are truly amazing!)

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Cars Come With All Sorts Of Home Comforts These Days

, , , | Right | May 26, 2019

(My father is returning a kettle to a store as it has stopped working after a handful of uses. He walks up to the customer service desk.)

Dad: “Hi. I bought this kettle. Can I have an exchange, please?”

Store Assistant: *very straight-faced* “I’m very sorry, sir, but I’m afraid we can’t do that.”

Dad: “Why?”

Store Assistant: “Because this is [Nationwide UK Motoring Store]. [Household Electric Store] is next door.”

(He looked up and around, noticing the car parts on display for the first time. He’s a regular shopper at this motoring store and had walked in by habit. Needless to say, he felt very embarrassed but is still laughing at himself several days later.)

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Got Her Quirkiness Down Pat

, , , , , | Right | May 22, 2019

(I am assisting one of our regular elderly customers in trying to find a product for her pet.)

Me: “I don’t think we have any more of these pet wipes, but it can’t hurt to check…”

Regular: “Oh, hello, doggie! Aren’t you handsome!”

(Our charity shop is pet-friendly, but there is an assistance dog working beside his owner, complete with a harness emblazoned with, “ASSISTANCE DOG — DO NOT PET.” The owner, another regular customer, looks a bit uncomfortable and sick of this kind of thing, so I jump in to prevent a dispute.)

Me: “You know, [Regular], that dog’s working, so you basically just did the same as going up to a police officer and patting him on the head!”

Regular: “Oh, I have no problems doing that all the time, love!”

Me: “You know, [Regular], I believe that. I really do.”

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