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Spending Your Way Out Of Debt

, , , , | Right | May 28, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Hi there. I got these promotional cheques at 3.9% for my Visa card. I was wondering if I can pay my Visa bill with them.”

Me: “No, miss, the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. Therefore, you can’t pay the Visa with the same Visa account.”

Customer: “Why? I don’t see why not…”

Me: “Because the funds will be coming out of your Visa account. It doesn’t make it a lesser balance, it makes it a higher balance. Therefore, you can’t pay your Visa with the same Visa.”

Customer: “I think this is stupid. I should be able to do whatever I want with my cheques.”

Me: “Do you write yourself cheques with your bank account to yourself, and not have to pay for it?”

Customer: “Well, no… that’s just silly.”

Me: “Do you see how it works, then?”

Customer: “Yeah, I guess. But I should still be able to do it!”

Sometimes, Free Just Ain’t Enough

, , , , , | Right | May 23, 2008

(Many years ago, in an electronics store far, far away…)

Woman: “I just bought this computer and I can’t connect to Prodigy.”

(eMachine had offered a $400 rebate for users who signed up for a year of Prodigy ISP, but the modems in their PCs wouldn’t work with Prodigy. Doh!)

Me: “Yes, there’s a problem with some of the eMachines not working with Prodigy. I’ll put a new modem in for you and it will work. You can come back in about an hour to pick it up.”

Woman: “I don’t want you to do that!”

Me: “Uh… what?”

Woman: “I don’t see why I have to get this fixed!”

Me: “Unfortunately, your computer has a faulty modem, and the problem was found after it left the factory. However, I can replace your broken modem with a brand new one for free, and that will take care of the problem.”

Woman: “But I don’t want you messing around in my computer!”

Me: “This is my job–I install computer components all day.”

Woman: “Well, I don’t want you messing around in there breaking things!”

Me: “Replacing a modem is not that complicated. It’s like putting a new tire on a car.”

Woman: “But if I just bought a new car, I shouldn’t need to have the tires changed in order to get it to work!”

Me: “Yes, I understand that. I apologize about the faulty modem, and I’m offering to fix it for free.”

Woman: “Well, I changed my mind. I don’t want that! Just cancel my Prodigy subscription.”

Me: “…so you’d want to keep the broken modem?”

Woman: “Yes, I want to keep it. Cancel my Prodigy subscription.”

Me: “Ok, you got a $400 rebate for signing up for a year’s worth of Prodigy. If you cancel it, you’ll owe us $400.”

Woman: *yelling* “WHAAAATTTTT? I’M NOT PAYING EXTRA MONEY FOR A BROKEN MODEM! I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO PAY MORE MONEY! YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO RIP ME OFF!”

Me: “You got $400 off of your computer because you signed up for a year of Prodigy. If you cancel, then you have to pay the full price! How can you not see that?”

Woman: “THIS IS B*LLSH*T! YOU’RE TRYING TO STEAL FROM ME! I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!”

(We got her security instead.)

Just Wait ‘Till He Meets The Dwarves In The Urinals

, , , | Right | May 22, 2008

Man: “Hey! I put my card in the ATM machine over there and put in my numbers, but it won’t give me any money. Does that even make any sense?”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, the ATM is owned by that bank. You’ll have to call them.”

Man: “Oh, you would say that!”

Me: “If you’d like, sir, I can try to give you cashback here at my register, but I cannot access your bank information.”

Man: “I mean, I go to my bank and I can get out money just fine, but here… it won’t even work. I mean, does that make any sense?”

Me: “Would you like me to call my manager for you, sir?”

Man: “Oh, you’d try to save your job, wouldn’t you!”

(And then it gets weird…)

Man: “Wait!” *points at ceiling* “There used to be windows there! You people boarded them up!”

Me: “WHAT?”

Man: “Yeah! YEAH! The guys on the computers! I bet you have them up there watching me and keeping me from getting my money!”

Me: *laughing* “Um, sir, there are no people living in our walls. Go to your bank, and have a nice day!”

Man: *grumbles and leaves, turning back to look at the ceiling every few steps*

(From that point on, my co-workers who witnessed this blame everything on the ‘people in the walls’.)

Check The Pot At The End Of The Rainbow

, , , | Right | May 18, 2008

(Customers have been calling in asking for their Economic Stimulus Tax Rebate since the third week in April, even though it wasn’t scheduled to start showing up until the first weekend in May.)

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering if my $600 rebate was in my account yet? My neighbor got his.”

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like it has not been deposited yet.”

Customer: “Why not? My neighbor got his already.”

Me: “I do apologize, but the IRS has not sent the deposit to your account yet.”

Customer: “Well, why not?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir, but you can call the IRS at 1-866-*** ****, or visit their website. They can tell you when yours is scheduled to be deposited.”

Customer: “Why can’t you just put the money in my account?”

Me: “Because we don’t have it, sir.”

Customer: “Well, after it comes in, I’m changing banks!”

Me: *shakes head*

Touché, Part Deux

, , , , , | Right | May 16, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to know why I received a late fee on my statement?”

Me: “Let me check for you… I do apologize, sir. Your payment was received fifteen days after the due date, which caused the fee.”

Customer: “I see. Can you remove it?”

Me: “Unfortunately, no. You have had three removed this year already. This fee will not be removed.”

Customer: “What do you mean you won’t remove the f****** fee?! I always pay on time!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “What, are you stupid? Your god-d*** mother not educate you? Are you some kind of bank Nazi? Remove my fee!”

Me: “As I stated, this fee is valid and will not be removed.”

(This went on for about four to five minutes, his requests heavily sprinkled with profanity and insults.)

Customer: “Fine, you know what? You can take this g0d-d*** mo****-f****** Visa card and shove it up your god-d*** mo****-fu***** a**!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. My a** only accepts American Express.” *click*