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I Hear The Gossip Columns Are Juicy

, , , | Right | February 18, 2009

(A customer walks in with a very full backpack.)

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to trade you.”

Me: “Um, we don’t actually trade things; we sell food.”

Customer: “Well, I’ve got this whole bag of stuff for you.”

(He opens the bag and shows me magazines, forks, and spoons.)

Me: “Sir, you have to use money to buy the food.”

Customer: “Let me talk to your manager.”

(I call the manager, who walks over.)

Customer: “Come on, man. This magazine must be worth at least… carrots.”

Manager: “Here’s a trade for you: money for food.”

Customer: *walks out*

The Road To Yell(ing) Is Paved With Good Intentions

, , , , , | Right | February 11, 2009

Customer: “How much is this bag?”

Me: “That bag is actually part of a deal: if you purchase twenty dollars worth of product you can get the bag for an additional ten dollars.”

Customer: “That’s not what I asked. How much is the bag?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The price of the bag itself is forty dollars.”

Customer: “So why’d you tell me all of that other garbage?”

Me: “I was just telling you the deal we had going on with the bag. If you spend twenty dollars, you can get the bag for ten dollars.

(I glance at her shopping bag and notice other items.)

Me: “… and it looks like, with those lotions, you’ll be spending around eighteen dollars, so if you spent another two dollars, you could get the deal.”

Customer: “Why can’t I just buy the bag?”

Me: “You can buy the bag. It’s just a better deal the other way. You’re already close to spending twenty dollars with those two lotions, so if you reached twenty, you’d get the bag for ten.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. Any time I come into this store, you people always try to get me to buy more of your junk than I want.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m not trying to push you to buy anything… You’d just be saving a lot of money. Spending around thirty dollars and getting more items, rather than spending around sixty and getting fewer items.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t care. If I wanted to buy something else, I’d have put in in my shopping bag. This is all I want, so don’t go trying to get me to buy anything else. I’m ready to check out.”

Me: “Okay, then. I can ring you out.”

(We both proceed to the cash register, where she purchases the two lotions and the tote bag.)

Me: “Alright, that’s going to come to $61.77 after tax.”

(The woman goes to swipe her card when her daughter comes up to the register, adding a $6 lip gloss to her purchase. The woman nods, and I ring it through as well.)

Me: “And the new total is going to be $36.21.”

Customer: “Why did the price go down so much?!”

Me: “…Seriously?”


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Store – Bad Customer = Happy

, , , , , , | Right | February 11, 2009

(This incident happened right before we closed on Christmas Eve. A woman has purchased a shirt and a pair of pants. I ring her purchase and tell her the total.)

Me: “That’ll be $39.98.”

Customer: “WHAT? No, no, no. That’s not right. No. How much was the shirt?”

Me: “$12.99. The pants were $26.99.”

Customer: “NO, THEY WEREN’T! They were $12.99, just like the pants! I got them from right over THERE!” *violently stabs her finger in the direction of the rack*

Me: *sighs* “Okay, hold on one second, ma’am… I’ll check.

Customer: *to coworker* “I’m about to put this b**** on blast, you watch.”

(I read the sign and confirm that the shirts on one side of the rack are $12.99, but the pants on the other are $26.99. This is also written out on the sale sign.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but the sign says right here that the pants are $26.99.”

Customer: “What?! Well how was I supposed to know that? I saw $12.99 so I thought $12.99! I don’t read letters, I only read numbers!”

Me: “Well… our signs have both letters and numbers, and you have to read both to understand the sale.”

Customer: “No way am I paying $26.99 for these pants! Change it!”

Me: “It’s not our error, ma’am. The sign is correctly written and posted on the correct rack, even in the correct position. There’s nothing I can do.”

Customer: *slapping counter* “FINE. There’s no reason why I should have to read signs! I only read numbers, not letters!”


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Superman Goes Shopping

, , , | Right | February 5, 2009

(In my store, it’s store policy to check credit cards for signatures; if they’re not signed, we must see ID.)

Me: “May I see your card, please?”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Your card is not signed, sir, and I have to check IDs if there’s no signature.”

Customer: “I know it’s not signed, and it’s not going to be signed.”

Me: “That’s fine, sir, I just have to check your ID then.”

Customer: “Here.” *shows ID*

Me: “Okay, thank you – sign the machine please.”

Customer: “How do you know that’s me in the ID? He has glasses on and I don’t.”

Me: “Sir, it looks like you.”

Customer: “But I don’t have glasses on.”

Me: “Okay then, I’m sorry, but this isn’t valid proof of ID. I can’t take it, which means you can’t use this card.”

Customer: “Oh, well, it’s me, I was just trying to help you out.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have convinced me otherwise. I cannot take it.”

Customer: “What? It’s me!”

Me: “I know… it’s you. I was just trying to help you out.”


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Bad News On Laundry Day

, , , , | Right | February 4, 2009

(A creepy old man with dirty clothes and a scraggly beard walks into the bank.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Bank]. How are you today?”

Customer: *stares, saying nothing*

Me: “How may I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I need to take $150 in quarters from my checking account.”

Me: “Okay, I can do that for you, no problem.” *taking out a withdrawal slip* “If you can just fill this out for me, I–”

Customer: “I can’t do that.” *pushes slip across the counter*

Me: “…pardon?”

Customer: “I said, I can’t do that. Do it for me.”

Me: “Sir, unfortunately, I cannot do that, for security purposes.”

Customer: “Why can’t you?”

Me: “It’s to protect your identity.”

Customer: “My what? Just fill out the d*** slip for me!”

Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry, but you have to fill out the withdrawal slip. At the very least, I need you to put your name down.”

Customer: “I can’t do that.”

Me: “If you pardon my asking sir, why not?”

Customer: “I don’t want to.”

Me: “I’m… sorry sir, but–”

Customer: “What kind of bank makes people do things?!” *storms out*


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