He’s From Iowa, But He Works In Outer Space

, , , , | Learning | December 11, 2018

(We are assigned homework to research famous people from our home state of Iowa, to give a five-minute presentation. I have totally forgotten this, and thanks to the power of the alphabet I am called up first. Panicking about getting a failing grade, I decide to take a risk and totally wing it about the only famous person from Iowa that I know of.)

Me: “Today, my report is about Captain James Tiberius Kirk.”

(I look directly at my teacher, and breathe a sigh of relief when I don’t see a glimpse of recognition.)

Teacher: “Captain? So, you’ve chosen a military figure?”

Me: “Yes, but I chose him because he was captain of a ship that was more famous for its exploratory missions.”

Teacher: “Please, continue!”

Me: “His ship was called The Enterprise. He wasn’t the first or last captain of this vessel, but he is by far its most famous captain. As I said, it was primarily an exploratory ship, but it did have its fair share of battles. His most famous known tactical move was called. ‘The Corbormite Maneuver.’ He also helped negotiate peace with a mining team who had inadvertently started excavating where the locals lived and raised their young. If it were not for him, there would have been a deadly battle between them and the natives, but he was able to make the miners see the locals as intelligent beings that were worthy of protection.”

(I continued in this vein, and easily could have gone for more than the allotted five minutes! My teacher gave me an A and was the none the wiser. I’m very thankful for inheriting my parents’ encyclopedic knowledge of fifty-year-old episodes of “Star Trek”!)

Unfiltered Story #129049

, , , , | Unfiltered | December 1, 2018

I am on the management team of a very large sporting goods retailer and it’s a busy Saturday. As I am floor managing a customer waves me down asking to be let into a fitting room. As I open the door I find one of our part-time college student sales people relaxing inside! He was always kind of a slug, and had recently given his 2 weeks notice. I got his keys and name tag and let him know his services were no longer needed. What got me was just how nonchalantly he took it in stride, like it was no big deal. Future leaders!

Black Friday Now Starts Before Black Friday

, , , , , | Right | November 22, 2018

(I am a worker at a sit-down restaurant. I seat people, and bus and wipe tables. It’s Black Friday and we open at 11:00; it’s 10:45. I am wiping tables and doing opening things to be prepared. A clueless customer sneaks in through the staff entrance that clearly says STAFF ONLY and has our times posted. She and her daughter go to the bathroom and we continue working without seeing them. I walk up to the tables near the bathroom and see them.)

Customer: “Hi. We have six people, two kids.”

Me: “Ma’am, we aren’t open yet. You can go up to wait; stand by the front door and wait until 11:00.”

Customer: “But I’m in here. I need to be seated so I have a table.”

Me: “I promise you, you’ll be first in line but we aren’t open. You won’t be helped until we are open, in ten minutes.”

Customer: “Bring me your manager! I’m gonna get you fired.”

(I brought over the manager and she said the same thing and finally gave in. We sat her and all we heard was her complaining about not being helped because we aren’t open. It was a long day.)

Unfiltered Story #124605

, , | Unfiltered | October 30, 2018

(I was just starting my shift that day, because of the lack of help, I was learning about mixing paints to help more around the store. My coworker had called me over to let me try and help a customer with him watching over. We are trying to find out if she wanted a paint with a shiny or dull coat.)

Customer: I don’t understand.

Coworker: One will be reflective and will be shiny while the other is, well, dull.

Customer: I don’t understand. I didn’t get enough sleep.

Coworker: I… I really don’t know how to explain any other way.

Me: See the paint on our wall? That’s dull paint. The shiny coat, the satin, will seem a bit brighter.

Customer; Ah, I see. I’ll take the dull paint. My boyfriend is making me repaint, I don’t want to though.

(We go off to find the base paint she needs, but realize that we are out.)

Coworker: Ma’am, I’m sorry. We seem to be out of that base. Will you be okay with the shiny coat?

Customer: I don’t understand. I want this color.

Coworker: It will still be this color.

Customer: But I still want this color!

Me: Ma’am, it will still be the color only it will shine a bit.

Customer: Oh, okay. I wish I could sleep at night.

Me: Why can’t you?

Customer: The man who lived in the apartment before me died there. I hear his ghost in the living room every night. It’s been hard since my son died.

Me: I’m sorry. What happened?

Customer: I just can’t sleep. His ghost is in the apartment too. He loves the guest room.

Me: um….

Customer: My ex-husband tells everyone I killed him, but I didn’t.

Me: (nervous laugh) I believe you

Customer: He tells everyone I killed him, but I didn’t. He killed him.

Me: How did he die?

Customer: I don’t know. He went to the hospital for 10 days and died after the ten days.

(I’m try to hurry up and finish, to get her on her way. I removed the can from the mixer and opened the lid to test if it was the color she wanted. I also had a small mallet out to hammer the lid closed when I was done. I had just opened it when she grabbed the mallet. Both my coworker and I were a little taken back from the action and slightly on edge after hearing the whole conversation)

Customer: Looks good. This is where we hit is closed again right?

Coworker: No! uh, no ma’am. We’re just going to take a dab of paint and make sure it dries as the right color.

(He slowly takes the hammer from her and places it under the counter. I rush to dry the paint with the old hair drier.)

Me: Alright seems good. Here you go.

(She smiled, said thanks and wished us a good day as she walked away)

Me: Bye bye

Coworker: Are you as freaked out as I am?

Me: I hope so. Think if I ask nicely I can take an early lunch?

Finding Fraudulent Uses For Their 3-Iron

, , , , , | Legal | October 9, 2018

(Our town is hit by a tornado, along with two other towns. This incident takes place the day after. My husband and I are walking through the streets with a chainsaw helping to cut and move fallen trees where needed, to clear roads for emergency crews and traffic, and to clear driveways so people who still have undamaged cars can get them out. It’s been a long, slow process and we’ve been at it for several hours, starting about eight am. We stop so we can grab some water from our backpacks, and we witness two people up the block hitting the side of their car with a golf club. There does not appear to be any other damage on the car apart from what they are doing.)

Husband: *sounding confused* “What is she doing?”

Me: “Probably going to try to scam her insurance for a new car.”

Husband: “Think she has actually looked at some of the other storm damaged cars?”

Me: “Probably not, or she wouldn’t be hitting the side of the car that is currently facing her perfectly undamaged house. Sadly, even though the damage is going to obviously look like it’s intentional, by the time her claims adjuster gets to her, they are probably just going to give in and not argue with her so they can get things done and move on to others.”

(The people looked around at this time and saw us standing there watching them. They immediately put the golf club in the garage and went back in the house. While there were thankfully no fatalities and only minor injuries from the storm, these frauds made me sick. I thought about the people displaced until they could get their houses tested for soundness so they could start repairs, and the handful of people who lost their houses entirely, along with the people with totaled cars. We do have relief efforts out here, along with every conceivable insurance company, but it’s going to be a long road, and we have just barely begun. I hope those people got what they deserve.)

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