Hell’s Opening

, , , , | Right | January 16, 2020

(I am working for security at a college football game, and part of my job is to make sure that all drinks brought into the game are unopened. This event occurs between me and an older man.)

Me: “Is that water opened?”

Man: “No”

Me: “Okay!” *steps aside to let him pass*

Man: *steps close to me* “How do you know I’m not lying?”

Me: *trying to think of a response*

Man: “I’d go to Hell, then, wouldn’t I?” *slowly walks away*

Me: *speechless*

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Bigotry Can Take The Express Lane Out Of Here

, , , , | Right | December 16, 2019

(The store where I work has a designated checkout lane as the express lane, though we aren’t usually strict about it, and I’ve never heard anyone loudly complain when someone else comes through with more than six items. I’m currently helping a couple of customers who both sound foreign but speak English; they have many more than six items. This happens while we’re waiting for a number so I can ring up one of the items.)

Next Customer: “Are you able to read English? Can’t you tell this is six items or less?” *gestures towards my register light*

Me: “Americans have come through here with more than six items.”

Next Customer: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Me: “Don’t pick on them just because they sound foreign.”

(The next customer scoffed at me, but otherwise didn’t say anything more about it.)

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So THAT’S How It Is In That Family

, , , , , , , | Related | December 9, 2019

(After Thanksgiving dinner, my family and I always play games together. One year, my mom, my sister, two of my nieces, my daughter, and my brother and I are playing a game where you have to get your teammates to guess a word by giving clues. The category is technology and it is my turn to get my team to guess a word. My word is “Facebook.” I can’t say “social media,” and a few other things. Looking around the group, I figure this will be easy as I have the perfect clue.)

Me: “You use this to reconnect with people you used to know. Everyone at this table has one except [Brother].”

(My sister, who wasn’t even on my team, got all excited and screamed out, “Vagina!” We all burst out laughing and, of course, the timer ran out. My brother turned bright red and my sister was so proud of herself. The best part was that my sister was 50, and one of the nieces playing was her 14-year-old granddaughter who was mortified that her grandma had just yelled that.)

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Giving Voice To Stupid Complaints

, , , , | Right | November 27, 2019

(I work at a fast food sandwich shop. I come out of the back room and hear an irate customer talking to my coworker. I decide to watch, because she can get rather sassy with rude customers.)

Coworker: “Would you like anything else on this?”

Customer: “Could you not talk like that?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, I’m recovering from a cold, so my voice is a little hoarse.”

Customer: “Your voice is really annoying me.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, I can’t speak any differently until my cold is completely gone.”

Customer: “Your voice is getting really d*** annoying!” *points at me* “You, finish my sandwich. I’m done with her.”

(The customer immediately became very polite once my coworker went into the back room. I finished up the sandwich and rang her up.)

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Thou Shalt Always Have Free Cheesecake

, , , | Right | November 27, 2019

(I work in the bakery of a grocery store chain. We sell our own cheesecake and the cheesecake of a very well known “factory”. We have full cakes of both brands but only sell slices in the name brand variety.)

Customer: *walks up to counter* “Do you have any chocolate eclairs today?”

Me: “No. I’m sorry, not today.”

Customer: “Okay.” *looks around for a little bit* “Your cheesecake slices are seven dollars?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. They are from [Popular Factory].”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Well… that’d use up all my money… Wanna give me a discount?”

Me: “I can’t, I’m sorry.”

Customer: “But… I really want the cheesecake!”

Me: “I’m not allowed to give any discounts, but I can call over my supervisor. He can—”

Customer: “I just want cheesecake!”

Me: “Want me to call him over?”

Customer: “No, just give me the cheesecake for free!”

Me: “I can’t, but my supervisor might be able to do something for you.”

Customer: “You are so un-Christian!” *stomps off*

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