Money Doesn’t Organ-ically Come From Nowhere

, , , , , , | | Learning | July 13, 2019

(I work in the finance office of a university. This story was told to me by my coworker. Note that this took place over the phone with a student in online classes.)

Student: “When am I getting my financial aid stipend? I need that money.”

Coworker: “It looks like your funding is scheduled for [date two weeks later]. Once that hits your account at the school, we will review any excess funding and send it out to you within fourteen days.”

Student: “Why’s it going to take so long? I need that money now; can’t you move it up?!”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, we have to adhere to federal guidelines on when financial aid funding can be distributed to your account and will not be able to move up that date.”

Student: “But I need that money. I have to pay my rent and I have medical bills.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry to hear that, but I…”

Student: “MY ORGANS FALL OUT OF MY BODY EVERY DAY; I HAVE TO PUSH THEM BACK INSIDE MYSELF! I NEED THAT MONEY!”

Coworker: *after a brief pause* “Well, I am very sorry to hear that and I hope that things get better soon. We won’t be able to move up your disbursement dates, but if you check back in with us after we’ve received the funding, we may be able to expedite your stipend.”

(The student seemed satisfied with that resolution and ended the call. When she shared this story with me later I couldn’t help but speculate, “Wouldn’t your organs just falling out of your body, I don’t know, kill you?”)

Unfiltered Story #157544

, , | | Unfiltered | July 12, 2019

(I have been sick for three days and come in for my early shift, I am not a sales associate but I have been and know the floor and products very well. I am in the frame shop and can hear the customer from the register, not an easy thing to do.)
Cashier: (over the radio) “Can I get a manager please?”
Customer: “I haven’t got all goddamn day!”
Me: (over the radio) “Yeah what are you looking for?”
Cashier: “He’s looking for a role of paper we used to carry. He brought up a small roll but wants a bigger one.”
Me: “Okay, I’ll come over.”
Me: (to the customer) “What product are you looking for sir?”
Customer (rambling): “This roll of paper, I looked over here for it.”
(He walks away so I follow him keeping a safe distance between us because he is acting very oddly and walking kind of like a duck. I ask over the radio for a manager.)
Customer: “It was over here in this aisle.”
(He leads me down the aisle which is full of our discounted seasonal items. Before I can get a word out he whips around and yells.)
Customer: “STOP FOLLOWING ME. I AM TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM YOU. FOLLOWING ME IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT. GO FIND WHAT I NEED.”
(I’m stunned as there is a good six feet between us and had not been expecting such a reaction from this man. I tell him I’ll get a manager to help look for it and I turn around, he flounces back towards the front and I shakily beg for a manager on the radio. Tears are spilling down my face as I’m already sick and have never been accused of something so serious.)
Manager: “I’m with a customer but I’m coming up.”
(Later)
Me: (shakily) “Did that man leave?”
Manager: “Yeah, he’s been in here before and is always rude.”
Me: (tears welling up) “He accused me of sexual harassment because I was following him and trying to help him.”
Manager: “WHAT?”

Their Vocabulary Is Like Their Handwriting

, , , , , , | | Healthy | June 18, 2019

I worked as a nurse in a coronary care unit. Medical professionals have their own language, and sometimes forget the average person doesn’t speak “medicalese.” One of my patients was newly diagnosed with myocardial infarction, the medical term for a heart attack. I accompanied his doctor in as he talked to the patient, telling him he had a myocardial infarction.

After we left the room, I asked the doctor if he thought the patient understood what he was told. He assured me he did. When I returned to the patient’s room a few minutes later, I asked him if he understood what the doctor told him.

He said, “Oh, yes. I’m so relieved. I thought I’d had a heart attack.”

Urine For A Real Treat

, , , , , , , , | | Healthy | June 17, 2019

My friend is a great prankster. He was in the hospital one time and the nurse came in to leave a specimen cup so they could collect a urine sample. My friend had received apricot nectar with his breakfast. After the nurse left, he poured the apricot nectar into the specimen cup. When the nurse returned, she looked at and commented that it looked pretty bad. Picking up the cup, my friend drank it down, commenting, “Well, I’ll run it through again!”

Unfiltered Story #152499

, , | | Unfiltered | May 31, 2019

(I work at a fabric store where a lot of customers come in needing us to help calculate how much fabric they need. Often it is a simple matter of math, but not being so great with numbers myself, I try my best not to judge. I walk up to the cutting table to see two women who have completely unrolled a bolt of outdoor fabric to see if it would fit over a long cushion they had brought with them. I step in to help them finish.)

Me: Hey there! What can I cut for you today?
Customer #1: Oh we just wanted to see if this fit! We’re not seamstresses or anything, so we needed to be sure!
Me: That’s fine! However it’s usually just a simple matter of math. Will you just be needing the cushion or do you need the fabric for anything else?
Customer #1: Well we need two pillows. But all the pieces should be able to fit into the width right?
Customer #2: Oh, definitely!
Me: Well let me just measure to be certain.
(I can tell just by looking that the pillow might be a little too big, but just a little. I don’t blame them for not seeing that though. The width of the fabric is 54″ and the pillow is 14″x18″. 14 times 4 is 56, which is too long to fit all four pieces into the width of the fabric. However two pieces will easily fit in the long way, meaning they will need around 28 inches of fabric.)
Me: Unfortunately the pillow is a little too big to fit all of the pieces for the pillow. The width is 54″ and you need 56″.
Customer #1: *stares at me blankly for a few seconds*
Customer #2: so it’ll fit?
Me: No. You need 56 inches. This fabric is only 54 inches wide.
Customer #1: I’m not following. We’re not seamstresses.
Me: You don’t have to be a seamstress. You need 56 inches of fabric for all four pieces. You have 54 inches. 54 is less than 56. You are missing two inches.
Customer #2: Well it looks like it will fit! (The customer takes the pillow form and rolls it down the width while counting. Even though that’s not as dependable of a way to measure as using factual numbers. Even so, she comes up short.)
Customer #1: Oh…I guess it doesn’t fit…
Me: Yes. You can do it this other way, and then have extra for the ties you want for your cushion. You’ll need 28″ of fabric.
(It still didn’t seem like they understood what I was saying, but they eventually relented. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to help people older than myself with basic addition and subtraction!)

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