Breaking Bread With The Dungeon Master

, , , | Hopeless | August 11, 2017

(Up until this point, my day hasn’t been going well. It started with a car issue where several pieces of my engine just kind of fell off, leaving me to walk everywhere in 95 degree heat. Then the tow truck driver was angry and aggressive, and the kids at my job were especially crazy. I stop on my way home at a popular sandwich shop to pick up some cheap, day-old bread for dinner.)

Me: “Hi, I hate to do this during the rush, but can I just have a loaf of day old bread?”

Cashier: “Have you ever played Dungeons and Dragons?”

Me: “Yes?”

Cashier: “Then you just rolled a natural 20. We don’t have any day-olds, so here’s a fresh loaf, and it’s on us.”

Me: *completely flustered with gratitude* “Thank you so much! This day has been pretty rough; I had major car trouble, and work was insane. I really needed something like this.”

Cashier: “Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m glad you’re safe, and I’ll always be here if you need your day turned around again!”

(I think I’ll be going there a lot more often!)

The Golden Years Are Getting Tarnished

, , , | Romantic | August 9, 2017

(I’m visiting my parents and we’re talking about our favorite things to do at the state fair. My parents are both in their mid-fifties and like to joke with each other about getting old.)

Mom: “I like looking at all the antiques they have on display.”

Dad: “You don’t need to look at antiques. You have me!”

Mom: “You’re not an antique!”

Dad: “Just junk?”

Floating Out Some Knowledge Your Way

, , , | Related | July 21, 2017

(I was talking to my parents about an unfortunate drowning that happened in the area. It should also be noted that I am a female and while I don’t have six pack abs, I’m in fairly decent shape.)

Me: “I’m an okay swimmer, but I don’t float that well.”

Mom: “Everyone floats!”

Dad: “Actually, people with low body fat and high muscle density don’t float that well.”

Mom: *looking at me* “I don’t think she has that problem.”

Looks Like They Still Haven’t Found Jesus

, , , , , | Friendly | July 8, 2017

(I am around eight or nine, at Sunday school. I have only read a few random chapters of the Bible. The pastor’s son had read it cover to cover several times. Everyone starts discussing what Jesus looked like, and I just listen at first. Everyone else is going mostly with the typical depiction: long, light brown hair, beard, wearing a “tunic or whatever it’s called,” being white, and having blue or brown eyes (this varied for people’s opinions). The pastor’s son tries to include me in the conversation because I haven’t said anything.)

Pastor’s Son: “What do you think he looks like, [My Name]?”

Me: *being the little know-it-all I was and still am* “Actually, based on the time period and geological location, he most likely had medium to dark brown skin, short dark brown or black hair, had brown eyes, no beard or a small one, and wore more of tribal-ish attire.”

Everyone Else: *awkwardly staring at me, some with mouths agape*

Pastor’s Son: *rolls eyes* “Next you’re going to tell us he wasn’t a Catholic.”

Me: “He wasn’t. He was Jewish and the first Christian ever.”

Pastor’s Son: *very, very rudely* “Well, you can go worship your black Jesus, and I’ll just stick with the real one.”

(Granted, not that much is officially known about his appearance, but shaming an 8- or 9-year-old for believing he looks different and race-shaming Jesus while in church? Come on!)

When Someone Is A Complete D*ck It’s Breast To Ignore Them

, , , , , | Friendly | July 2, 2017

(I have a summer pass to a nearby public pool, and I go pretty often. During mid-June, I notice there is a woman and her baby who are there regularly. We don’t really talk, but I do make a few comments on how adorable her little girl is. The baby couldn’t have been more than a few weeks old. I saw her breastfeeding the baby a few times, but no one ever commented until one day in early July. Her baby starts crying, so the mother begins breastfeeding her. A man goes up to her, and just watches for a few seconds, then speaks to her.)

Man: “That is so disgusting. I can’t believe you’re doing that in public.”

Mother: “I’m just feeding my child.”

Man: “Well, at least don’t pull out your f****** t*ts in public! There are children here!”

Mother: “I’m not exposing anything, and I must feed my child. Please just mind your own bus—”

Man: *interrupting her* “I can see almost your entire t*t, you wh**e. So, if you can just whip out your t*t in public to feed that thing, does that mean I can whip out my d*** in public and—”

Me: *interrupting him, and VERY loudly* “YOU FEED SEMEN TO YOUR INFANT CHILDREN?!”

(Many people heard me, and almost all of them turned to look.)

Man: “What?! No. I would ne— I– I’ve never done— I wouldn’t do that.”

(He then scurried away, looking quite embarrassed.)

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