They Need A Hot Slice Of Shame

, , , , , | Right | December 15, 2017

(One day during lunch I’m serving a group of about a dozen, and as I’m taking everyone’s drink orders, it becomes clear from the conversations that this is a business lunch. As I’m making my lap around the table getting each person’s food order, this happens:)

Woman #1: “I’ll have a small specialty pizza, please.”

(I see a couple of people moving around, changing seats, so I decide to ask to keep myself organized before it gets to be confusing.)

Me: “Oh, will this be all separate checks or one bill?”

Man #1: “Oh, it’ll all be on one. I’ve got it this time.”

Woman #2: “Oh, you don’t have to do that!”

Man #2: “Yeah, we can all get our own! That’s too nice.”

Man #1: “Don’t worry about it, everyone. It’s nothing.”

Me: “All right, sounds good to me.” *as I’m about to move on, [Woman #1] pulls me back to her*

Woman #1: “Actually, if that’s the case, can you make mine a large pizza, instead? I’ll just take some extra home later. Also, an order of wings… for the table.”

(I was secretly very glad she wasn’t in charge of paying the bill or the tip, since she seemed pretty cheap. I just can’t believe she changed her order so blatantly in front of everyone.)

“Ready” To Make A Meal Out Of It

, , , , | Right | November 27, 2017

(I’m in a cashier’s line behind two others, [Customer #1] is a woman on her phone who looks like she’s in a hurry, buying frozen TV dinners. [Customer #2] is an older woman who appears to have nothing to purchase.)

Cashier: “That’ll be [total], please.”

Customer #1: *on the phone* “Yeah, yeah, I’ll have 15 minutes to get there.” *to cashier* “Thanks.”

(Just as she’s bagging, [Customer #2] interjects.)

Customer #2: “How could you do that to yourself?!”

Customer #1: “Excuse me?”

Customer #2: “Those food trays! Do you know how many horrible chemicals are in those? So many preservatives! They’ll kill you!”

(The bagger starts helping her bag faster.)

Customer #2: “How can people eat that stuff? I would never poison myself like that.”

([Customer #1] rolls her eyes and leaves.)

Cashier: “How can I help you?”

Customer #2: “Three packs of [Cigarettes] and a bottle of tequila, please.”

The Projector Was Only Mostly Dead

, , , , , | Working | November 15, 2017

(I’m really thrilled to be going to the 30th anniversary showing of “Princess Bride” at our local theater. Over half of the large theater is filled with eager customers. Unfortunately, about thirty minutes into the movie the screen goes black. Employees are alerted and after about ten minutes the movie resumes where it left off. However, another sixty minutes into the movie the screen goes black again. Another wait of about fifteen minutes and we are told by management that they cannot fix the projector, but our money will be refunded.)

Woman Near The Front Of The Theater: “Everyone! On three! One… two… three!”

Entire Audience: *shouts* “INCONCEIVABLE!”

How Do I Put This Deli-cately

, , , , | Working | November 15, 2017

(I work customer service at a grocery store. One night, a girl who looks to be in her mid-20s comes up to the counter and asks for a job application. I hand it to her and have the following conversation.)

Girl: “Thanks. I really, really need to find a job. Can I borrow a pen and fill this out now? I really need to find a job right now, any job. I’m desperate.”

Me: “Well, I don’t know what to tell you about all departments, but I do know that the deli is hiring right now.”

Girl: *drops the pen in horror* “The deli?! I can’t work in the deli! No way!”

(She turns and runs out of the store. Behind me, the deli supervisor breaks out laughing.)

Me: “Guess she didn’t really, really need a job that badly, after all.”

(Coincidentally, a job in another department opened up next day, but since she hadn’t bothered to fill out the application, she never knew.)

You Can’t Rebrand Stupid

, , , , , | Right | November 5, 2017

(I work in a bulk grocery store that caters mostly to the foodservice and restaurant industry. Our company has recently undergone a “rebranding” and, as such, a lot of our product packaging has been changed. The following happens after a customer inquires about one of those items.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir? Do you all still carry the already-made mashed potatoes in the six-pound tubs?”

Me: “Sure do! They’re right over here.”

(I escort her to the product and explain to her that it’s now packaged differently.)

Customer: “Oh, that’s not what I’m looking for. Do you have the ones in the tubs?”

Me: “No, ma’am. They’ve changed to a new packaging, so they’re now in these five-pound pouches instead of the tubs. It’s still the same product, though.”

Customer: *after looking the product over* “Hmm… Well, do you have any tubs left over in the back?”

Me: “I’m afraid not. The changeover happened about six months ago, so the tubs are long gone. The pouches are all we have anymore.”

Customer: *looks the product over even more before handing it back to me* “Well, thanks, but no. I’ll come back some other time and see if you have more tubs.”

Me: *face-palm*

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