I worked for a weekly newspaper, running a small design department of five people, and we had just lost an investor and canceled a major product, so layoffs were inevitable. The new boss called me into her office, holding a document that she tried to hide from me, but I could catch a glimpse and saw that the new suggested head count for my department was down to three.

Me: “No way we can do this job with three people, even with the reduced workload. We tried it in the past when we had the same mix of products that we have now, and three people just weren’t enough. If one person goes on vacation, it’s barely possible; if someone else gets sick, we’re dead. The bare minimum we must have for this department to run properly is four. I will not sign off on anything fewer than four people. You can try it with someone else running the department, but soon, you will be scrambling to hire a fourth person, someone who would need to be trained, and it would be a huge risk to day-to-day operations.”

Manager: “Okay… Four people it is. But you’ll still have to let one person go. Who will it be?”

Me: “It will be me. This is my one-month notice.”

She was quite shocked, but unbeknownst to her, I had just gotten the phone call two hours prior that I’d been waiting for for months: the job offer for literally three times what I was making, for an organization known to be an excellent employer, with great benefits, decent hours, and excellent job security. The timing couldn’t have been better, and I shudder to think what would have happened if I’d gotten that phone call a day later.

It all worked out fine in the end, one of my people was promoted to my post, and things have been running quite smoothly from what I gather. And my new job was truly life-changing in more ways than one; I’m still there.

I work for a local newspaper. We are doing an advertisement page for local businesses to promote themselves by posting images of their business cards. They were all told by the sales staff to send me either PDF files of their cards or scanned images — preferably the first option.

One sends me a photo of his card, which is in black and white.

Client: “Can you redesign my card? I don’t like it. And I want it in color.”

We are working on a new advertisement that is going to run in local newspapers. My client has some suggestions.

Client: “What if we add some more pop?”

Me: “Sure, what did you have in mind?”

Client: “I want something that will jump out, grab them, and really get their attention.”

Me: “Hmm, okay. We could make the headline bigger, or—”

Client: “No, I mean, literally jump out. Like a pop-up book.”

Me: “A pop-up book?”

Client: “Yeah, for kids.”

Me: “I don’t think the newspaper will do pop-ups.”

Client: “Why not?”

Me: “Well, someone would have to meticulously fold each newspaper.”

The customer sent a letter to the editor to see if they could work out the details. They refused.

As a manager and editor at a newspaper press, part of my responsibility is attending to customer complaints regarding our carriers on their motor routes.

One gentleman started a motor route with us, and after a week, numerous complaints of all varieties began to pour in about papers being significantly late or not being delivered at all, papers being delivered without a plastic weather bag and being rained on, and so forth.

After asking the team leader to speak with him, he reported that the carrier sincerely denied the accusations and was genuinely confused as to why these complaints consistently arose.

I became more perplexed when the team leader later reported to me:

Team Leader: “Okay, [Customer #1] and [Customer #2] said they never got their paper and I personally drove over there to bring them one. It was right there on the porch, nicely rolled up right in front of their door! [Customer #3] said she never got hers, but it was right in the freaking newspaper tube on her mailbox! You said [Customer #4] got his four hours past the deadline? I was at [Donut Shop] having a quick bite to eat, and I saw the carrier delivering papers right across the street where this customer lives, at 8:00 am!”

The deadline is 3:00 pm.

I was scratching my head as to why all these people seemed to be picking on this particular carrier, and why it seemed to be the same customers.

After I started receiving more serious complaints of property missing from some customer’s yards (with people claiming to have witnesses observing the carrier stealing it) and other complaints of instances such as the carrier allegedly kicking a customer’s dog and flipping off another customer, I called him into my office to have a talk with him.

When the door opened and he stepped inside, I immediately discovered the “problem”: this gentleman was an African American. Our town was notorious for being “melanin intolerant”.

Game on.

Me: *With a huge smile* “I just wanted to let you know you’re doing a great job and I appreciate your hard work.”

Carrier: “Thank you so much!”

Me: “Friday is a special edition, and people will be expecting their papers from 9:00 to 11:00 because of [some made-up excuse about a local event on TV]. On that day, I need you to start at 9:00 and be done by 11:00.”

Carrier: “Sure, no problem.”

That Friday, the gentleman picked up his stack from our warehouse. However, unbeknownst to him, I stealthily followed him through his route and had three other employees strategically posted at different points in his route to observe him. That young man delivered to each and every subscribing house on that route, and in the manner as instructed.

After he finished, we returned to the press office and waited. Lo and behold, here came the emails:

Email #1: “Customer complained he hasn’t received his paper.”

Email #2: “Customer complained carrier threw his paper unrolled on the porch and it blew everywhere.”

Email #3: “Customer complained he observed the carrier urinating on the customer’s hedges. When confronted, the carrier said, ‘F*** you, cracker!'”

Email #4: “Customer did not receive paper until 7:00 pm.”

Email #5: “Customer said carrier kicked his dog again.”

I wish you could have seen the smile on my face as I began typing the following letter.

Letter: “[Usual business greeting]. On [date], you complained that [fictitious complaint]. We would like to kindly bring to your attention the fact that we personally shadowed this particular carrier on the day in question and visually confirmed that he delivered your paper in a timely and orderly fashion and that no further actions were committed by the carrier while present at your residence. Because it appears that you have a personal issue with our carrier that is beyond our control, we have decided to terminate your subscription and refund your remaining balance. We regret having to take such an extreme measure, but we hope that you understand that we at [Business] value our hard-working staff as much as we value our customers.”

And to Mr. “Dog Kicker”, I added:

Letter: “PS: You don’t have a dog. We’re the ones who reported the story in which seventeen dogs had been removed from your squalid house and you were subsequently banned from owning another pet for the next three years, remember? Or should we alert your probation officer that you just admitted to violating a direct court order?”

Surprise, surprise, the complaints against this carrier dropped down next to zero, and he happily stayed on board with us for the next three years.

It still sickens me how bigotry will cause people to harm a total stranger who is doing nothing but simply doing his job and not bothering anyone. But at the same time, I am elated that we got to the root of the problem and snuffed it out.

Client: “Here’s the link to an article the newspaper ran about my business. Can you put the link on my web, and please remove those ugly images at the bottom?”

Me: “No, I can’t edit the newspaper’s advertising on their website.”

Yes, she calls her website her “web”.