Morphine Makes You Mellow And Mallow

, , , | Healthy | March 26, 2018

(I broke my leg and have just been loaded into the ambulance. The paramedic gives me some morphine. I get a little silly once the drugs kick in.)

Me: *to paramedic* “Oh, you smell so goooooood.”

(Once I get to the hospital, they temporarily sedate me to set my leg. I wake up as they are wrapping my leg in gauze. My leg is puffy and white.)

Me: “Hashtag marshmallow!”

Off-Cutting Remarks

, , , | Right | March 26, 2018

(I am working in the lumber department of a big home improvement store, and there is one other lumber associate helping other customers. A lady that looks to be in her 60s comes in and asks me for items to make shelves. She is really demanding, clueless, cheap, and indecisive. I take her all around the department to explain the difference between using plywood, two-inch and one-inch wood, or pre-cut shelves. I am in the one-inch aisle, trying to get her to understand the difference between pine priced per piece and hardwood priced per foot, when another customer — a man in his 50s who has been waiting patiently for a couple minutes — cuts in.)

Customer #2: “I have a quick question. Where is [type of product for which there is two types]?”

Me: “I can answer quickly, but first which type—”

Customer #1: *rudely to [Customer #2]* “Excuse me, but he was with me first. You’re really rude for interrupting us before we were done.”

Customer #2: “I’m really rude? You’re the one who is rude! I just have a quick question, and then he can go back with you, since you’ve been hogging him.”

(Both customers look at me, basically to see who I side with, and I stand speechless for a minute.)

Customer #1: “Well, where I come from, it is rude to cut in on a customer before they are done with the salesperson.”

Customer #2: *now shouting* “Listen, lady! You’re the one who is rude; any decent person would let him answer a simple question first and then go back to you.”

(At this point, they are both standing tall, and I swear they are about to come to blows. To cut the tension, I speak up:)

Me: *to [Customer #2]* “I was with this this lady first. There is someone on the back saw; he can help you when he is done with his customer, or I will help you when I am done with this customer, whoever is done first.”

Customer #2: *obviously annoyed with the lady not me* “Fine, whatever.” *walks away*

Customer #1: “Thank you. That man was really rude, wouldn’t you agree?”

(I want to say that both of them were rude, but I ignore the question and spend another ten minutes with the lady to help her decide. We finally get some plywood and take it to the panel saw to cut. While cutting, I see [Customer #2] pass by and politely say I will be with him shortly. Both customers eye each other with evil eyes. The lady repeatedly makes snide remarks about the man to me, intentionally loud enough for the man to hear. I finish cutting for the lady and end up with large scraps left over from cutting out the shelves to size.)

Me: “Do you want the leftover pieces?”

Customer #1: “What do you do with scraps if I don’t want them?”

Me: “We usually keep them on a cart and offer them to customers free if they want them. Since you are paying for the whole piece, we can’t resell them, and if there are leftovers at the end of the day, we throw them away.”

Customer #1: “Okay. You can give them away to anyone except that rude man.”

(The lady takes her cart and walks away, but the register is in sight of the saw. The man comes to the saw with some oriented strand board — cheaper than plywood that the lady got — and has apparently answered his own question from earlier.)

Customer #2: “Man, that b**** was crazy. Anyway, I need this cut to [about the same size as the scraps from the lady]. Actually, what are those scraps? Can I have them?”

(I try to figure out how to say this tactfully, and without laughing.)

Me: “Um, actually, they are from that lady, and normally we give the scraps away, but, um… She specifically said not to give them to you. However, I’ll wait until she leaves the store, and then I will give them to you.”

Customer #2: “That’s okay. I wouldn’t even want anything from her, anyway. Just cut this out of the boards I grabbed.”

(I cut for him, and he left his scraps. I ended up with a bunch of scraps that I had to throw out at the end of the day.)

Not Being Berry Truthful

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2018

(I am working the dinner rush for a popular roast beef restaurant and have just cleared out the last of the customers without incident. A girl walks in, and I can immediately tell she is upset about something.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Listen. I just came through the drive-thru and you forgot to give me my strawberry shake.”

Me: “Oh, um, we don’t have strawberry shakes.”

Customer:Yes, you do! I just came through, and there was a strawberry shake on my receipt!”

Me: “Actually, that would be impossible, as we don’t even have them on our registers. Can I see your receipt, please?”

Customer: “No! I threw it away! Just give me my d*** strawberry shake!”

Me: “Like I said, it is physically impossible for me to give you a strawberry shake.”

Customer: “I will be calling your district manager! You just don’t want to give me my shake!”

Me: “Do you want to call her at work tomorrow, or for me to get her personal number for you? She will reassure you that we could not have possibly charged you for a strawberry shake, and furthermore, if you would have been polite towards me, I would have been happy to give you a shake, as we value our customers, which you obviously haven’t been in a long time.”

(The customer then stormed out of the store muttering about a strawberry shake and flipped me off as she was getting back into her car.)

Well, They Have To Teach It Somewhere

, , , , , | Working | March 12, 2018

(I’m driving down to Tennessee to view the 2017 solar eclipse, and I’ve stopped at a hotel in Louisville for the night. When I go to check out, the computer is taking a while to print my receipt, so the clerk is chatting with me while we wait.)

Clerk: “So, where are you from?”

Me: “Lancaster, Pennsylvania.”

Clerk: “Oh, okay. Isn’t there a college there?”

Me: “Yes. F and M.”

Clerk: “S and M?”

Me: *internally giggling* F and M. Franklin and Marshall.”

Clerk: “Oh, yeah. That’s it!”

(I don’t know if he even realized what he had said, but I certainly did!)

A Picture Of Bad Parenting

, , , , , | Right | March 8, 2018

(I go into the store to pick up some photo prints I ordered online. Unfortunately, before I can get to the counter another customer beats me to the unmanned counter. As she approaches she immediately begins yelling.)


(An employee approaches the counter.)

Customer: “I ordered these prints online; I need them.”

Employee: “Okay, what name are they under?”

Customer: “I don’t know; I don’t know if they made it.”

Employee: “You don’t know?”

Customer: “I used this app and it won’t send. You need to just do it.”

Employee: “I’m sorry. We aren’t allowed to—”

Customer: *sighs dramatically* “Well, what am I supposed to do?”

Employee: “You need to click on—”

Customer: “I already did that.”

Employee: “Well, try it again.”

Customer: “There, see? Now what?!”

Employee: “So, now, you need to—”

Customer: “This is stupid! I’m just going to go back to the main menu. So, what do I do from here?”

(The employee attempts several times to guide the customer through the process, and she continues to cut her off and ignore her suggestions. The customer appears to be in a huge hurry, and is obviously aggravated. Finally, after a few minutes.)

Customer: *about the app* “This is a joke. This is a total joke. Fine. Whatever. We’ll do this on Facebook.” *she takes a few minutes to find the picture she wants, all the while muttering* “I left those kids at the park. I left those d*** kids at the park… There, this picture. Can I just crop everyone out except this one person?”

Employee: “Well, what that will do is it will still be the same size and—”

Customer: “Is there any other way we can do this?!”

Employee: “You can hook your phone up to the photo kiosk, but it will download all of your photos.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I can’t get this Internet to work. My man is going to kill me; I left those d*** kids at the park.”

Employee: “We don’t get a good connection in the store.”

Customer: “I HAVE WI-FI.”

Employee: “We don’t have Wi-Fi here.”


Employee: “You probably would have better luck in the back of the parking lot, yes.”

Customer: *stomps out while muttering* “I left those kids at the park.”

(I still can’t understand what could possibly be so important about this picture that she had to leave her children at the park to go get it!)

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