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They Read You Like Sheet Music

, , , , , | Friendly | June 2, 2021

Five girls approach me, dressed in punk-style gear and complete with wild spiked or mohawked rainbow dyed hair.

Girl #1: “You like hip hop, right?”

Me: “Yeah!

I’m lying in hopes of scoring a phone number; in truth, I actually hate it. I happen to like hardcore heavy metal music.

Girl #1: “Cool! We’re a local hip hop group; we’re [Group].”

She introduces each girl and they shake my hand.

Girl #1: “We’re really trying to get our name out there because we don’t have an agent or promoter or anything. We have to do the legwork ourselves, knocking on every door we can, hoping someday we can finally get ourselves a record contract.”

Me: “Hey! [Music Artists] started out by selling tapes out of a car trunk, so don’t feel ashamed at all. I respect what you’re doing.”

Girl #1: “Would you be so kind as to buy one of our CDs? We’re happy to take anything you offer.”

Admiring their effort trying to make it to the top by any means possible, I paid them $10 for a CD despite the fact that I knew it was going to end up as a beer coaster next to my computer. They heartily thanked me and we went our separate ways.

About two months later, I randomly came across the CD and decided to pop it in for the h*** of it, seeing that I paid money for it anyway.

IT WAS HARDCORE METAL AND I LOVED IT! Sneaky little b***ards!

Do I Look Like I Have “Idiot” MS Paint-ed On My Face?

, , , , | Right | May 14, 2021

A man comes in with a paper coupon that looks like someone has doodled it up in MS Paint. It doesn’t mention our store by name at all; it just has the words “$1 Burger Meal” printed on it, with some clip-art of a burger and fries next to it, and the word “Valid” in one corner.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t accept this coupon.”

I’m expecting him to laugh as if it was a joke, or try and argue, but he just stands there and stares at me silently.

Me: “Can I get you anything else?”

Customer: “What are you going to do to satisfy me?”

Me: “I’m willing to sell you a burger for [our price].”

He shook his head and rolled his eyes at me before turning and walking out of the building. Sorry I’m not willing to just hand you food for not falling for your scam.

Long Story Short, The Answer Is No

, , , , | Working | April 9, 2021

Many years ago while I was driving my vintage extended-cab pickup, I noticed a newer extended cab on a dealer’s used truck lot. I pulled in, got out, walked to the truck, and checked its bed length. It was the shorter bed of that era — six and a half feet instead of the long eight-foot bed.

A salesman arrived and asked my thoughts on the truck.

Me: “Not interested. It has the short six-and-a-half-foot bed; I want an extended cab with the long bed.”

Salesman: “Oh, no! You wouldn’t want a truck that long. They are difficult to drive on city streets and in city traffic.”

Me: “Gee, I had never heard that. Are you sure?”

I know that many even longer trucks are being driven in the city daily.

Salesman: “Oh, yes! They are a real problem driving in cities.”

Me: “I’m not sure about that.”

After a few more exchanges of the same basic views, I decide it is time to give my closing declaration.  

Me: “I have been driving my truck with the extended cab and the long, eight-foot bed for thirteen years. When do you think I might finally notice this problem?”

He walked away with a deer in the headlights look on his face.

Open Carry Means Open Insults

, , , , | Right | March 30, 2021

I manage the sales department at a salvage yard — a type of recycling facility that buys old vehicles and then allows people to come in and pull parts off them to purchase.

This is currently a male-dominated field, and unfortunately, theft and aggression are an everyday issue for myself and my mostly female coworkers. Because of this, I open-carry my .380 handgun while I’m working. It’s worth mentioning that I am a female in my mid-twenties, and I do have my handgun license, even though I don’t need one to open-carry in this state.

These are just a few of the things that have been said to me, all by men, while carrying:

Customer: “That’s cute. Is it real?”

Customer: “Better not argue with her; she’ll shoot you!”

Customer: *Whispering* “I’ll bet she doesn’t even know how to use it.”

Customer: “I’d better not steal anything today, huh?!”

Customer: “How many people have you shot?”

Customer: “Can I hold it? I just want to see how heavy it is.”

What surprises me most is how offended they get when I tell them that, no, they can’t hold it. What sane person would hand a loaded firearm to a complete stranger?!

Is Intelligence (Or Lack Thereof) Hereditary?

, , , , , | Friendly | March 17, 2021

I’m talking to an old high school friend I haven’t seen in years. The discussion turns to a second high school friend that I talked with recently.

Friend #1: “So, did [Friend #2] ever have any children?”

Me: “No, he was married twice but he never had children.”

Friend #1: “I guess that makes sense.”

Me: “How do you mean?”

Friend #1: “Well, he was adopted. If his dad couldn’t have children, it makes sense that he couldn’t have children, either.”

Me: *Half-laughing* “Do you want to think about what you just said?”