Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “What is a pebble?”

Me: “Well, it’s a very small rock… generally smooth.”

Customer: “Fine, where do you sell pebbles?”

Me: “Right at the back of the garden section, sir.”

Customer: “Are your pebbles heat-resistant?”

Me: “I’m not sure, but I could call one of our garden specialists to help you.”

Customer: “Never mind! I need heat-resistant rocks!” *he shows me a rock* “Is this rock limestone? Limestone is heat resistant.”

Me: “I can’t tell if it’s limestone just from looking, but limestone has a lot of calcium in it, so if you dip it in vinegar and fizzes up, it’s probably limestone.”

Customer: “Forget it! You are worthless! I’ll just stick this in the microwave and see if it’s heat resistant!”

(He storms off. He came back the next day… for a new microwave.)

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Customer: “I need to return these flowers. They died.”

Me: “This appears to be a bag of soil.”

Customer: “Well, I pulled them up a week ago, I guess they fell apart.”

Me: “Okay. I’ll just need your original receipt.”

Customer: “I don’t have a receipt.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but to return plants I’ll need a receipt.”

Customer: “Your signs say that you have a one-year guarantee!”

Me: “Yes, we do, but you have to keep your receipt because the price of plants changes so often.”

Customer: “I’d like to speak to a manager.”

(I call the manager of the garden center inside, and he tells the customer the exact same thing I did.)

Customer: “Well, you should really post it somewhere that you have to keep your receipt.”

Me: “It is posted in the–”

Customer: “Where? Somewhere no one can find, I bet!”

Me: “Actually, it’s posted in the garden center immediately outside the doors. It’s to the right.”

Customer: “In tiny letters, right!?”

Me: “No, the sign is about six feet tall. It’s also printed on the back of every receipt. I’m sorry if you missed it.”

Customer: “Well, I doubt anyone can find it. I’m shopping at [Competitor] from now on!” *starts to walk away*

Me: “Sir, you left your plants.”

Customer: “I don’t need a bag of dirt!”

(The customer tries to exit through the entrance doors. They don’t open automatically from the inside.)

Me: “Sir, those doors don’t open from this side.”

Customer: “Well, they shouldn’t say ‘EXIT’ on them, then, should they?”

Me: “The door actually says ‘NO EXIT’.”

Customer: “Hmph!”

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [Cell Phone Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my phone is frozen and I can’t seem to get it to do anything.”

Me: “Seems like we need to do a soft reset. Take off the back cover and look for a little hole that says reset next to it.”

Customer: “I don’t see it.”

Me: “Okay, follow the line down to it that’s next to the battery.”

Customer: “I still can’t find it.”

(After many minutes and several failed attempts at trying to find the reset button…)

Customer: “Oh, wait a minute… I think I know why. The lights are off in here.”

Me: “The… lights are off?”

Customer: “Give me a few moments and I’ll walk to the next room.”

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(I go to a table of four, a mom and dad and two kids who are ready to order.)

Husband: “How big are your pizzas?”

Me: “They are ten-inch pizzas, sir.”

Husband: “Well how big is ten inches?”

(And before I can answer, the wife chimes in.)

Wife: “You wouldn’t know anything about ten inches, dear.”

(I stood there for a moment with my mouth open, before I ran to the wait station and started laughing hysterically.)

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