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Stick Around And Get A Free Education!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 23, 2021

Back in the 1990s, when only the police and 911 dispatch had caller ID, one of the most popular ways teenagers and adults with no lives would annoy strangers would be to call them and either sit and not say anything, ask for someone who didn’t live there, or call and immediately hang up.

At one point in time, these calls seriously became a nuisance to our home where every day, at 7:00 am sharp, someone would call and say nothing, and then at 4:30 pm sharp, they would call and ask for a “Sherry Slone.” Every… freaking… day. Picking up the phone and yelling, “F*** OFF!” did nothing but tickle the person pink and encourage them to call more often.

Then, my dad found a rather interesting solution.

Caller: “Hello, is Sherry Slone there?”

My dad pulled my science book out of my lap.

Dad: “Mitosis, a process of cell duplication, or reproduction, during which one cell gives rise to two genetically identical daughter cells. Strictly applied, the term mitosis is used to describe the duplication…”

The caller hung up. The next morning, they called again and my mother answered. They were silent.

Mom: “Oil painting is a hobby that requires both skill and patience. The supplies that I prefer using is a standard X size brush made out of—”

The caller hung up.

And surprise, all the calls stopped.

Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 5

, , , , , , | Right | July 29, 2021

I work at a bookstore. We have a usual customer who is extremely odd. One of the things he’s done is lick the books, but we’ve never actually caught him. We recently installed CCTV cameras to prevent theft, as we have other customers who try to steal our merchandise. With the health crisis going on, we’re really cracking down on people being sanitary and wearing masks. One day, I see the usual customer come in and head straight to the religious section. I follow him discreetly to see if he’ll lick the books again. Sure enough, he picks up a Bible, takes off his mask, and licks the inside cover.

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Please don’t lick the books.”

Customer: “But do you know how much fiction is in this d*** book?! Thousands of years of hatred and wars because a bunch of losers believed some guy who lived ten thousand years ago!”

Me: “Sir, that is completely your opinion, but it’s for sanitary reasons, especially in these times. Now, I have to ask you to purchase the book.”

He started ripping pages out and throwing them everywhere, and I called for security. They came quickly, and he started throwing other merchandise off of the shelves and licking some of it. About half the books in that section were damaged, and he had two options: pay and leave for good, or we’d call the police.

He didn’t like those options. He left, but not before spitting on a book about female serial killers.

We wound up damaging out over a dozen books. We sent the tape to the police, and he was arrested for destruction of property.

Related:
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 4
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 3
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 2
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction

My Mom The Old Hag(gler)

, , , , | Right | July 6, 2021

I go to a used bookstore sometimes to buy and sell books. One day, my mother, who isn’t the best customer, comes along with me to sell books. The owner goes through my books, and he sorts them into two piles, one which is significantly smaller than the other one. 

Owner: “I’ll buy these for five dollars.”

He gestures to the smaller pile. 

Me: “Okay.”

Mother: “Now, wait a minute. Why won’t you buy the rest?”

Owner: “There’s no room for them, they’re not worth much, and I have full shelves.”

Mother: “But she’s giving them to you for a decent price!”

Me: “Mom, it’s okay. We’ve been through this before.”

Mother: “No, it’s not okay. These books are worth more than five dollars! He should at least give you twenty!”

Me: “Mom, stop. These books are more than ten years old. He’s right; they’re really not worth much.”

Mother: “I still think he should give you twenty.”

Me: “Sorry about that, [Owner]. I’ll take a five.”

Not In Receipt Of Hearing Skills

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2021

I cashier at a major pharmaceutical store. I am finishing up bagging items for a customer.

Me: “Would you like your receipt?”

No answer.

Me: “Would you like your receipt?”

Still no answer.

Me: *Louder* “Would you like your receipt?!”

Customer: “No.”

If a customer doesn’t take or want it, store leadership wants us to tear the receipt in half and throw it away to avoid return fraud. I do that and hand the bags to this woman.

Customer: “Where’s my receipt?”

Like A Good Neighbor, Mind Your Freaking Business

, , , , , | Friendly | June 2, 2021

I have a close friend who is black move into my apartment. Shortly thereafter, I spend three weeks downstate for work-related purposes.

As I am making my way down the apartment hallway, I run into an elderly neighbor who is well known for stirring up trouble and constantly complaining. For instance, she once called the police on a trio of second-grade girls who were selling Girl Scout cookies door-to-door and apparently did not see or understand a posted “No Soliciting” sign.

Neighbor: “Does that black girl live in that apartment with you?”

Me: “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes — and yes, she is on the lease, so don’t even bother trying to report her because you’ll just be wasting your time.”

Neighbor: “Ho-ho-ho-ho! It’s worse than that! I don’t know where the h*** you’ve been, but that girl has been blasting rap music at all hours of the day, and there have been all kinds of people coming in and out of that apartment — day and night! I’ve already complained to the management, just to let you know!”

Me: *Cold stare* “Really.”

Neighbor: “She’s a rude little s***, too; twice I tried to talk to her when I saw her in the building, trying to ask if she lived there, and she just kept right on walking like she was too good to even look in my direction! Who the h*** does she think she is?”

Me: “Right. That’s because she’s hearing impaired. That’s not to mention she’s a painfully shy introvert who spends her time programming and blogging. So either there is some serious paranormal activity going on in our apartment, or you’re just itching for me to recruit the whole building to mob you out of your apartment — permanently.”

She stares at me for a minute and then starts walking into her apartment.

Neighbor: “I’m keeping my eye on her.”

Me: “I’m sure she’s flattered by all the attention.”