(I’m walking the floor. A customer walks through the front door and approaches me.)

Customer: *mutters* “Where do I go to fill out an application?”

(I have a walkie-talkie and headset on. When the customer asks her question, my manager begins to speak to me over the walkie.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t quite catch that.”

Customer: *raised voice* “Where. Can. I. Go. To. Get. An. App-li-ca-tion? Don’t they teach you how to listen here?”

Me: “Yes, they do. Someone was talking in my ear, so I didn’t hear you the first time. You can pick up an application over here.”

(I walk her to the application kiosk. About an hour goes by, and I get a call on the walkie that a customer wants to see me. It’s the same customer.)

Customer: “Oh, you again. I just finished my application. Is there a manager or human resources available to talk to? Should I repeat myself again?”

Me: “You’re talking to him.”

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(I put a customer’s purchase through. The computer automatically discounts the purchase from $35 to $29.)

Customer: “I’m sorry, you’ve made some mistake. The price isn’t correct on the screen.”

Me: “Yes, there’s actually a discount on some of your items.”

Customer: “No. I added the prices as I went around. I’m very good at maths, and you’ve processed the sale wrong.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m confused. You would rather pay the full price?”

Customer: “Give me your manager.”

(My manager has overheard most of this.)

Manager: “Can I help?”

Customer: “Your staff has processed my sale completely wrong. I demand that you correct this.”

Manager: “Of course.” *bumps the price up* “The price is $35, ma’am.”

Customer: *glowering in my direction* “Didn’t hurt, did it?”

(The customer hands me a coupon that has been expired for five months.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. This coupon expired back in June.”

Customer: “I know. I was diagnosed with cancer and I went to Europe for four months for experimental treatment.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir. I do hope your health is improving. Unfortunately, I still can’t accept this coupon. Even if it wasn’t expired, it can’t be used on sale items.”

Customer: “This is a load of s***! You’re going to penalize me for having cancer?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. There is nothing I can do.”

Customer: “Don’t give me that crap. I’m going to call my lawyer. You can’t discriminate against me because I have cancer.”

Me: “Sir, there is nothing I can do. The system won’t allow me to override sales.”

Customer: “Let me speak to [Manager].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. He’s not in today. I can call another manager.”

Customer: “I know he’s here! You’re just not telling me because he’ll make you give me the discount. I am not leaving until I speak to him.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but [Manager] is not here today. Five months ago, they discovered he had a brain tumor. When they operated on him, it caused a brain bleed and he had a stroke.”

*awkward silence*

Customer’s Wife: “Well, I bet you feel like an a** now! Trying to use cancer as an excuse!”

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Customer: “Hey! This burger is too d*** hot!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it will cool down over time. Just wait a little while.”

Customer: “I want to eat it now! Why the h*** would you make it too hot to eat? Make me another one and don’t make it so hot this time!”

(He slams his burger down on the counter and stomps away. I don’t touch it, as I have to take care of the next couple of customers. A moment later, I call out to the customer.)

Me: “Sir, your burger is ready.”

(The customer comes back up, picks up the burger that hasn’t been moved since he put it down, and takes a bite.)

Customer: “There we go, much better. Don’t make them so d*** hot anymore. This one’s great!”

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(Customer calls to order some Justin Bieber-printed merchandise. We get to the checkout phase.)

Me: “Right, that’s [price].”

Caller: “I’m a massive fan. Can I get a fan discount?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Caller: “I’m a member of the fan club. I should get a discount for that or something!”

Me: “I’m sorry, madam, but we aren’t able to give that kind of discount.”

Caller: “This is appalling. You should give his fans money off! We deserve it! His fans shouldn’t have to pay as much for his products!”

Me: “Madam, I doubt anyone who wasn’t a fan would be buying these anyway. So, technically, you are getting the fan price.”

(Silence.)

Caller: “Screw this. I’ll do it online!”

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